Overdramatic Disclaimer: This game and these characters belong to Atlus and only Atlus. They do not belong to me. I told you, they're not mine! No! Please—please don't hurt me, I'm begging you, PLEASE—! NOOOOOOOOO…

Author's Note: This is a retelling of the game…but it's no ordinary retelling. Because...this fic is also the place where I dump all my headcanons! This fic will include even more adventures, including: an extra palace; an encounter with the Phantom Thieves' American counterparts; lots and lots of references to things like Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale, Zelda, Hamilton, EarthBound, and too many others to list here; and so much more! Also, in my mind, the protagonist has ADHD and actually needs his glasses (he's nearsighted.)

This is my first fanfic I've ever published, so please go easy on me! I tried to go for a balance of serious and fun, like the game did, and I think it came out pretty okay. I hope you all enjoy! Feel free to leave a review if you think it needs tweaking! Thank you!


WARNING: This file is the property of the Public Security Intelligence Agency. Contents may be disclosed only to those who have been permitted access to it by the Public Security Intelligence Agency.

This file contains top secret information regarding the case of the Phantom Thieves. It includes a firsthand account written by Kagetsuki Akira, the founder and former leader of the group.

Do not, under any circumstances, read, copy or share this document unless you are specifically required to do so.


Entry 1

April 9th, 2016

This is it, everyone. The collapse of civilization. At least in Japan. Possibly in other places, too. Not many other people seem to have noticed. (Correction: probably no one else has noticed.) But I have. I've experienced the signs.

I probably sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist. But please hear me out!

This is my story.

For my whole life, I've lived in Ise, on the far outskirts of Tokyo. Pretty small town. Population of around a hundred thousand people. Everyone knows each other, and everyone does their best to help each other. It's a tightly knit community. A safe little bubble. Sure, there always have been tourists who come to visit the shrine during holidays like New Years, but they've never disrupted our lives. And I knew that there was suffering in other places, like Syria and North Korea and the Middle East, but surely our country was doing something to help? At the very least, Japan's government won't become corrupt itself, right? Of course not. Our government is run by smart, kind leaders who have always had the people's best interests at heart. Politicians are essentially social servants. They have to use their power responsibly, or else the voters will kick them out...right?

That's what I believed. Imagine how betrayed I felt when I discovered the truth.

It was a Saturday evening in mid January of this year. As I walked home, I heard shouting further down the road. Two voices - a slurred male voice and a panicked female voice.

"Jus' get in th' car!"

"Stop it!"

"Get in the car!"

"Please stop it! Just let me go!"

I saw them up ahead. As I deduced from their conversation, the bald guy was trying to force the girl into a vehicle. I broke into a run. I might be able to save her. I might be a hero.

"And perhaps," you say, "you believed that your mother and father would reunite because of how proud of you they would be." Thanks for reopening that wound, my imaginary reader. Guess I'll have to write about that later this entry. Anyway...

I'd been replaying Kid Icarus Uprising at that time, and my worldview was saturated with the game's idealism and optimism. I saw everything through a lens of "good always defeats bad and light always banishes the darkness." So, being the naive kid that I was (and still am), I intervened. Not by attacking the guy, just by gently pulling them apart.

The guy definitely smelled like strong alcohol, like whiskey or bourbon or something. When I put my hand on his shoulder and pulled him away from her, he stumbled backwards, pivoted dizzily around, and then fell on his face, leaving a huge scrape on his forehead.

I called the police, and they came and arrested him. The girl was safe, and before I knew it, I had become the town hero.

I also stopped climate change, gave enormous wealth to impoverished countries, stopped all the wars, and cured all diseases. And also, unicorns suddenly became real.

Oh, that was sarcastic, by the way. None of that happened.

Here's what really happened. The dude turned out to be this really powerful politician, and the girl turned out to be his secretary. "Th' police're my bitches!" he slurred at me. The guy told the girl to call the police and tell them that I had "assaulted" him and knocked him down. And to my surprise, she did. When the cops picked me up, I was sure they would side with me, not some random guy from out of town. My best friend's dad is a cop, so they know me personally, and I've never done anything against the law. But they were still all, "He's never seemed like the type who'd beat someone up... But oh well. Drunkass-sama over there said so, so it must be true. Lock him up!"

And so they did, without even questioning it.

However, that wasn't the worst part. This was the worst part: the fact that when I told Okāsan and Otōsan the truth, not even they fully believed me. I know they'll never forgive their son for attacking a complete stranger on his way home from school - even if that wasn't at all what happened.

But enough about me for now. Zoom out. Think of the implications of this incident, not just for me, but for society as a whole. These are the people leading our country. They make the rules. We, the people, let them do what they want, because in our culture, we have to be super polite towards whoever's in charge, or else. So, when we catch a politician in the act of raping his secretary, we don't call the police. Instead, we slowly back off, whispering "We should just politely go away. Wouldn't want to interfere." Which leads to things like my current situation.

In theory, thanks to the efforts of America after the Second World War, we the people are the ones who hold the reins of the government. But in practice, we're not doing a very good job steering! We're all doormats. Everyone's a doormat. The rich and powerful walk all over the lower classes, and we let them. The more we let them, the more they take advantage of us. In all honesty, society hasn't really changed since medieval times, when samurai on horseback were allowed to trample peasants who accidentally got in their way. And if we don't take steps to change our society, in ten years, we might be letting a fascist dictator run the country. The famous "politeness" of the Japanese will be Japan's downfall. If we keep not doing anything, our society will fall, as they say, not with a bang but a whimper.

Now here's some more about my life:

My parents did manage to convince the authorities to lessen my punishment. My sentence had originally been a year in juvenile hall, but now it's just a year on probation. I'm still nervous and sad, however. Starting today, I'm going to be staying with a complete stranger, Sakura Sojiro, going to a completely new school with kids I've never met before, and living right in the middle of huge, bright, loud, overwhelming Tokyo.

"But Akira-kun," you say, "you've been to Tokyo multiple times before! You've even lived in Los Angeles for an entire summer! Los Angeles, of all places! This should be a walk in the park compared to LA, right?" My dear nonexistent reader, you forget that I was accompanied by Otōsan during that summer, and even though Okāsan and Mori-chan weren't there, we texted and called each other every day. Back then, it still felt like we were a family.

In a way, it was kind of like our last gasp.

As the months passed, the gap between them widened and widened. They shouted at each other. Never at me, but always at each other.

They should've been shouting at me, though. I was trying desperately to keep them together, but no matter how hard I tried, I was still the one who tore them apart in the first place.

But since that night in January, Otōsan and Okāsan have, for the most part, barely even spoken to me. We never laugh together anymore. Otōsan rarely comes home from his work anymore. Okāsan is so cold towards me, frost covers the windowpanes when she enters my room.

This morning, Okāsan dropped me off at the train station, muttered "do your best," and drove off without another word.

This is my punishment for tearing my family apart. If you were there when I committed my "crime," dear pretend reader, you might say I don't deserve it. No, I don't deserve to be punished for trying to save that girl. But I do deserve to be punished for what happened during that summer in America... and what I did afterwards.

Their silence is almost worse than their shouting.

I've been kicked out. I am not their son anymore. With their silence, they've disowned me.

And now, here I am-alone. I'm riding into Shibuya, the busiest part of the most populous city in Japan, and I have never felt so alone in all my life.

Wait... I'm not completely alone... I have you, imaginary reader. I always have you.

...Haha, who am I kidding? Look at me, talking to a fucking notebook. Like it can hear me. I'm a weirdo. The only 16-year-old boy in Japan who still has an imaginary friend.

(But I still like to imagine that my nonexistent reader has a deep sexy voice. Sometimes I give him a towering top hat. Occasionally he has these enormous black wings.)

(I swear I'm not crazy. I'm just weird.)

Hopefully, no one ever actually reads this.

This is my stop...


I'm back! It's now nighttime. I'm sitting in the dusty, cluttered attic of Cafe Leblanc on an old, creaky bed. (I spent most of the day cleaning. It didn't do much to help.) This is where I'll be staying for a whole year.

A couple of really weird things happened today when I arrived at the chaotic sea of people that is Shibuya Crossing. First of all, an app that I didn't download popped up on my phone. I have no idea what its purpose was or how it got there. But there it was, sitting in the middle of my screen and blocking the map I was using. It pulsed at me...kind of mockingly? Like it was taunting me, daring me to press it.

The icon was a red eyeball with a star shape for its pupil...super creepy.

I strongly hope it's not a virus. (It probably is.)

I took the risk of tapping on it, trying to make it go away, and that was when the second weird thing happened. I looked up from my phone and everything, everyone, had just...stopped. Like time had been paused. I felt a presence looming over me, like a sinister god watching me from the sky, and then a pillar of sky-blue flames erupted on the other side of the vast crossing. And...there was a figure, vaguely humanoid but too tall to be human, wreathed in the blue fire. Enormous flaming wings erupted from its back. It was too far away for me to clearly see it, but it looked familiar. The...thing...looked at me and grinned like a maniac, and its eyes were literally glowing yellow. A deep, sexy chuckle echoed from the figure's throat.

I realized with a shock that the creature's face was my own.

A dull roar began in my ears, and for a split second, I could feel myself pushing through threads, like the feeling of walking into a spiderweb, but...weirder. Like I was becoming threads.

When I blinked, the vision disappeared. Time moved again. The roaring had left my head. The threads had vanished.

I slid the app into the trash can icon at the bottom of my screen.

You know what? Thinking back, it must have all been a waking dream - that weird app, time standing still, the blue flames, the shadowy figure standing in them, its eyes burning yellow. I did get up at like 5:30 in the morning today, and I had been playing Fire Emblem: Fates in bed last night till like 11:00-ish, just to take my mind off my situation, so I guess I was (and still am) pretty sleep-deprived...

"But," you say, "you've been more sleep-deprived than this before, and you didn't start seeing strange visions. Could it have been something more mystical? A premonition? An omen? Or what if the app actually did stop time and summon a strange creature wreathed in blue fire?"

Maybe, dear imaginary friend. More likely, it's the combination of stress and anger and worry that I'm experiencing as a result of the my circumstances. An innocent, idealistic 16-year-old boy from a smallish town in the middle of nowhere, falsely accused of committing a crime, rejected by his family and community, exiled to the big city to live with a strange man who doesn't like him. Maybe all this is making me go insane...?

Oh, guess what? The app's back again! I deleted it, but it just popped back up...

Confirmed. It's a virus. Time to delete the stupid thing again. Or try to, at least.

I hate my life.

Actually. You know what?

Screw this. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself any longer. I'll find a way to make the best of my new life in Tokyo. I'll show everyone that I'm a good person. I won't just try to do well in school-I'll excel in every subject. Even math. I'll aim to become the smartest, most proficient student, the kindest, most charming friend, and the boldest, most confident leader. And...when I see a stranger or acquaintance in need of help...I guess I'll just have to try and mind my own business.

...Maybe I can think of ways to help people without drawing attention to myself. Hmm...

Well, I've decided. I swear to myself that from now on, even though we've all doomed ourselves with our cowardice and hesitation, I will OWN my situation. Within the boundaries of my probation, I'll rise from my ashes and become the Naruto of modern-day Tokyo.

Now that I think about it, Naruto and I are actually kind of similar. Naruto has a demon fox spirit sealed within his body. I have ADHD sealed within my brain. And both of us have to work hard to restrain it in order to be a functioning member of society.

But I'm not backing down.

Bring it on.

And on that note...I'm going to sleep.