Author's note: So, I'm really enjoying exploring this relationship. As always, any feedback is greatly appreciated. It's nice to hear you're being received. May be a good week between updates, but college work regrettably comes first.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I still do not own any of the Glee characters; I just enjoy playing with them. All credit to the genius creators of Glee, those sexy people.
Chapter 1
Jarring awake, Kurt could not fathom what was happening. Last night, Finn had asked Kurt to tell him that he loved him, which was confusing enough in itself, but after they had spent a good half an hour sitting on Kurt's bed hugging, with Finn sobbing into his shoulder, Kurt was scared and positively dumbfounded; he knew that Finn was incredibly sensitive, but in spite of that he was also supposed to be the strong one and it was always so worrying to see him lose control. This fear hadn't been aided when Kurt had asked Finn to expand on whatever situation he was in and Finn had simply murmured a thank you, and a sorry, and edged his way over to his bed, collapsing like a lumber-jacked tree into an instant sleep. Kurt decided that it probably wasn't the best idea to pursue anything; Finn could hardly be considered lucid at the best of times, let alone sleep deprived.
Kurt couldn't let himself get his hopes up. The mention of the word love, and the way that Finn seemed to desperately call for his the night before, didn't mean that Finn needed his love the way that Kurt wanted to give it to him. He thought that Finn must have meant it in a brotherly way; he was most likely just really upset about Rachel or Quinn and hadn't let anyone in to help him recently. Kurt knew better than most how introverted Finn could be and, from extensive experience, Kurt recognized that he would have to ask Finn what the matter was head on to draw him out a bit before the issue had any chance of getting better. As Kurt worked his way around the bedroom, he decided that he would take Finn out on a long walk to uncover the mystery that last night presented because Finn was fond of long walks, so he selected his leather military boots to wear as it was cold out; worry was no excuse to let up on fashion sense and wear unsightly footwear.
Climbing the stairs, Kurt caught a glimpse of his alarm clock and realised for the first time that it was well past 10am. Last night's consoling must have really taken it out of him; Kurt rarely slept past 9am, even on weekends because he simply had too much to do, whether it was rehearsing for a Glee assignment or reinventing his decor. At least getting up this late meant that Finn would have had the time to eat his enormous fill at breakfast, meaning that Kurt could drag him out of the house at a time of his choosing rather than having to amuse himself with something else whilst he waited for Finn to empty the cupboards. During the short trip up the stairs, Kurt began readying himself for the personally anti-climatic reason that was going to be causing Finn's sadness by following his daily routine of suppressing his feelings towards the other boy, breaking his own heart a little bit more every time that he repeated to himself that the problem would be some kind of girl issue that would only end up reminding him of how much an impossibility the idea of he and Finn truly was.
Painting a smile on his face, Kurt stepped out into the rest of the house. He couldn't risk letting Finn see how much last night had affected him, otherwise Finn's guilt would swiftly put a stop to a heart-to-heart chat before it had even begun. It did strike Kurt as he walked towards the kitchen that if Finn did mean love love, not brotherly love, when he said that he knew Kurt loved him, then that meant that Finn knew that Kurt had feelings for him. A flush of nerves moved through Kurt as he decided that that wasn't necessarily a good or bad thing; it was bad in an obvious kind of way because that information had the potential to make so many things awkward now that it was out in the open, what with the two boys sharing a house and bedroom, but it was also good because Kurt would never have to actually tell Finn how he felt about him as he already knew. Kurt thought that that was good because that meant his feelings could be known without him having to make the both of them mutually uncomfortable by physically vocalising his feelings to Finn and possibly ruining their relationship by mentioning something that really shouldn't have been mentioned. Kurt knew that he was getting carried away though due to nerves; Finn hadn't meant love love, he hadn't, he'd just chosen some rather ambiguous words to express himself with.
Kurt faltered in the entrance to the kitchen when he realised that only Carole was sat at the table, reading the newspaper. When she noticed that Kurt was stood there, she folded up the paper, clasped her hands together on top of it and smiled in his direction.
"Hi honey, you ok?" Carole asked him sweetly. Kurt smiled a response to the question; he had absolutely adored Carole from the moment that he had introduced her to his dad, even during those few months when he was painfully regretting their living arrangements did he not once regret introducing them. She was a lovely person, clearly showing where Finn got his most redeeming qualities, and she made his Dad the happiest that he had been since, well, since his Mom had died. For that reason alone Kurt would have had to of liked her, even if he hadn't done already. Kurt walked over to the small table and settled down opposite Carole, glancing around to see if he had missed anyone.
"Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Um, where is everyone?" Kurt asked generally, trying to mask the fact that he was only really interested in one particular person's whereabouts.
"Well, your Dad is at the tire shop, he had a client booked in early this morning, and Finn is over at Puck's house," she said, finishing with the backs of her hands propping up her chin, her elbows on the table, "Are you going somewhere?" She asked, observing Kurt's thick cardigan and boots.
"I was going to see if Finn wanted to go for a walk, I know how he likes them and I have to burn off your dinner from last night somehow," Kurt finished jokingly. He couldn't see any reason to lie to her; she would have more of a reason to be suspicious if he started making things up on the spot, looking like he was trying to avoid mentioning Finn somehow. Besides, she had no reason to suspect that something was wrong in the first place. It was probably just a figment of his imagination, but Kurt felt that Carole took slightly too long to reply and stared at him slightly too intently to just be considering their present conversation, she seemed to be contemplating something.
"Oh, sorry about that love, he left quite early this morning, I was only just out of bed myself," she said with an indistinguishable, tantalising tone in her voice, "Was Finn alright last night? He seemed to leave the table in quite a hurry, and neither of you came back up?" Carole asked, standing up and walking to the worktop, "Tea?"
"Yes, please, and he was fine. I think that he just really needed to catch up on some sleep, that's all," Kurt informed her. It was only a white lie, and Kurt was certain that Finn wouldn't appreciate him telling his Mom his multiple ideas of what was really going on, considering that Kurt wasn't exactly sure of any details. Watching Carole busy herself with the kettle, Kurt found himself under the distinct impression that she was kind of going through the motions, in that she was asking all of the right questions and not pushing too hard for any information. With each strangely staged second that passed, Kurt was growing more and more certain that Carole had her own ideas of what was wrong with Finn, and he was extremely tempted to try and find out what they were, to see what her thoughts could be, but he couldn't think of a way to ask her without arousing suspicion. Therefore, Kurt decided to simply thank Carole for the tea when she returned to the table, and to sit there quietly, waiting for her to say something first.
"Well, he must have caught up; otherwise he would never have been up so early on a Saturday," Carole chuckled lightly.
"Hmmm, yeah," Kurt replied lamely as he started to consider the real reasons why Finn would have darted from the house so early. He realised himself how uncomfortable he sounded, "Thank you again Carole for all of the help that you gave Finn this week, what with his costume for the theatricality project and all. He was really happy yesterday when he wore it to stand up to those buffoons," Kurt said, trying hard to keep the conversation flowing.
"It was my pleasure Kurt; I could see how much standing up for you meant to him. Finn doesn't talk to me much about feelings, that's just the way he's always been, so I knew it must have been important because he opened up to me about it," Carole stated confidently, taking a sip of tea, "That's why I think he left the table last night, because he was embarrassed about us praising him, especially your Dad. Finn really cares about you," she finished, and it felt to Kurt like her words had given him an electric shock. Carole smiled that same slightly sly smile that sometimes overcame Finn when he was attempting to be devious as she stood and walked into the living room. The only difference was that she did not attempt to hide it. Kurt sat at the table as he considered what Carole had said; all of her thoughts seemed highly logical, and she obviously knew her son very well, no matter how reclusive he tried to be. Kurt felt some quiet satisfaction at the knowledge that he had thought similar thoughts about Finn being embarrassed last night; it meant that his feeling that he knew Finn inside-out wasn't a fabrication of his own mind; he actually did know Finn. However, Kurt had to return to that last thing that Carole had tagged onto the end of her musings.
"Finn really cares about you."
She had said it plainly like it was an obvious matter of fact, like the statement could never come under any doubt, no matter how hard somebody tried to scrutinise it, and that smile had all but confirmed that that is what she meant. Kurt was growing more confused and open to possibilities as to what was wrong with Finn with every passing moment, which was dangerous to his self control. He had to talk to Finn and force him to explain what exactly was going on, so Kurt reached into his bag and took out his cell; if Finn had gone to Puck's as a means of escape, Kurt was not going to allow him to get away with it.
-Are You Happy?-
The bleeping of his cell phone distracted Finn for only a moment, but that was all the time that Puck needed to brutally slaughter his video game character. Finn was annoyed; he had been doing so well.
"Yeah, laugh all you want Puckerman, you know I was beating you," Finn murmured as he moved over to his backpack, feeling that some of the stress that he had just expelled was about to make an unwelcome and premature return.
"Whatever dude, maybe next time," came Puck's jolly reply as Finn read the name on his cell's display. With a lump growing in his throat, Finn clicked open the text message from Kurt:
'Hey Finn. I'm sorry if you don't want to, but we need to talk about last night. I need to ask you about what you said. And I'm just worried about you. Text me back please. Kurt. XXX'
It was the message that Finn had been expecting, and the only thing that surprised him about it was that it took this long for it to be sent to him; he had made sure to leave the house unrealistically early so that he could avoid a usually early rising Kurt, and now it seemed to have been a waste of good sleeping time if Kurt had only just got up. Finn decided that it probably wasn't worth worrying about as he wasn't exactly doing much, and he conceded that as much as he didn't want to right now, as was the reason for his whole trip to Puck's house, he had to give Kurt a reply; it wasn't fair to keep Kurt in the dark after what he had done for him last night. Finn grappled with himself as his feelings of duty to Kurt clashed with his unwillingness to explore the feelings that he had discovered within himself last night so soon afterwards, but in the end, the dutiful, reasonable Finn won out and he quickly tapped out a reply to Kurt before he lost his nerve:
'I'm ok Kurt. I know we have to talk and we will, but I need some time. I'm sleeping round Puck's tonight but I'll see you tomorrow,' Finn breathed in deeply to settle himself before writing the last sentence, 'Thank you for last night Kurt. Finn. X'
Finn felt a dash of excitement shine through his cowardice as he uncharacteristically wrote the kiss on the end of his text. It seemed like a ridiculously small thing to get so excited about, but after last night, the tiny admission of any feelings he had towards Kurt felt like a mini victory. As Finn tossed his cell back into his backpack and returned to Puck's sofa, he started to reengage his carefully ignored memories of last night, remembering primarily the emotions that he had experienced. Finn knew that it was the truth; he had felt what he had felt running to Kurt's aid yesterday at school, he had felt what he had felt the day before that when Kurt had tapped his knee, and he had definitely felt the realisation of those feelings and his desperation for Kurt's love last night. He couldn't ignore all of that, no matter how hard he tried, but that didn't mean that Finn couldn't shy away from dealing with it for a while. After all, his whole perception of his very person was changing over reasons that he could not begin to understand, and to Finn that felt like a justifiable reason for wanting some down time. Finn realised that was probably why he had chosen a day of hanging out with Puck; it was menial, it was familiar and Finn could use the excuse of trying to bridge gaps with Puck as a cover story whist he took the time that he needed.
Despite that though, Finn hated running away from the situation, especially considering that it was entirely his fault. He hated himself for being so dense and for not being observant enough, even of his own feelings; he had dealt with the situation horribly. He had basically used Kurt's compassion last night for his own comfort and then dropped Kurt again as soon as he had reached his capacity for letting his walls down, with seemingly little concern for Kurt's emotions. Finn recognised with strong guilt that he must have upset Kurt to some degree last night, and now he had run away to satisfy his own need for closing himself off. Finn was dazed and simply couldn't work out what to do, especially considering that he didn't exactly know what was happening in the first place.
"Hey man, what's the haps wit'chu?" Puck laughed in his most wannabe-gangster tone, throwing his jumper at Finn's head. Finn broke out of his trance at the surprise and blinked until his eyes had refocused, faux laughing at Puck to keep up appearances. He shrugged it off, making some excuse about being tired, and the two boys resumed playing on Puck's Xbox. They didn't speak much; Finn couldn't really find anything to say as this was the first time that he and Puck had spent any extended time together since Finn had found out about Quinn and Puck's affair, and Puck seemed content just to sit there and allow Finn to direct the situation. Puck had sounded understandably surprised when Finn had rung him up this morning to ask him if he wanted to hang out, and now as Finn sat in this most surreal of moments as he took a few cursory glances over at the best friend who had betrayed him, he wondered at how he didn't seem to care that much anymore. Of course, being the insecure person that he was, Finn was always going to be affected and feel hurt at being stabbed in the back by Puck and Quinn, and angry that she had toyed with his emotions by tricking him into believing that the baby had been his, but the raw pain that he had experienced from the ordeal appeared to be dying away, to be replaced by a wonderful feeling of acceptance, and the thought that perhaps it had been for the best. Finn wasn't trying to down play the scars that he would forever carry due to their actions, or let them off the hook, but maybe it could be considered for the best as he realised with great surprise that he didn't feel for Quinn anymore, or Rachel for that matter. The transitions that were occurring inside of him were confusing for sure, but they couldn't be all bad if they were helping him to get over the only two girls he had ever had feelings for, and the two girls that had both screwed him up something chronic.
"Hey Puck," Finn sighed, placing his Xbox controller on the arm of his chair, "can we talk for a minute?"
"Yeah, sure Finn. Whatever," Puck answered nervously. Finn did take some solace in the fact that Puck looked very uncomfortable; at least he could make Puck squirm for just a moment before he said what he had to say, and Finn cruelly took a couple of extra seconds to arrange himself before his conscience gave in. He couldn't be sadistic if he tried, much to his disappointment.
"Look Puck. I need to tell you that, I think I'm ready to forgive you for what you did with Quinn," Finn began, noticing that Puck was for once actually shocked into silence.
"Oh, wow, Finn I-," Puck gabbled.
"That's because," Finn interrupted, holding up his hand, and to Puck's credit he did shut up instantly, "that's because I've really missed this, justushanging and stuff. We've been best friends since forever. But I need you to know how much you hurt me dude,you really did," Finn finished, making sure that he was pouring as much conviction into his voice as he could. Finn couldn't remember the last time that he had seen Puck look truly apologetic, but he did now, and even before he had started talking Finn knew that he was genuine because Puck had never been good at acting.
"I am so sorry man, I really am, and you know I don't apologise for anything," Puck grovelled, trying to inject some of his trademark humour, "I was mega stupid, even for me. And I just want you to know, if you still care, I am really serious about taking care of Quinn and the baby dude, if she'll let me. I'm not gunna drop her, that's my Dad, that's not me," Puck finished and Finn could tell that his old friend was being sincere; he only mentioned his Dad when he had to. Knowing that the baby would be cared for did comfort Finn slightly, after all, none of this was the baby's fault and Finn smiled at Puck, earning a sheepish smirk in return.
"Good for you man, I know you mean it. Now, I'm not saying that we're gunna be fine from now on, but we're getting there, and I think I'm gunna need a good friend real soon, so I'm happy with that," Finn concluded, thinking of how useful having his idiot of a best friend back would be on days when he just wanted to slob around and escape his small world for a bit; Finn knew that a few of those days were only around the corner.
"Why, is anything wrong man?" Puck asked, genuinely concerned. Finn sat and considered the many replies that he could have said, including answers that referenced the fact that he thought he was strangely connected to another boy, that he had no idea what he was going to do about it, that he was churning inside and all he foresaw in his immediate future was pain and confusion. In the end though, Finn settled for a simple no; all of that would have probably been too much to pile onto Puck seeing as they had only just reconciled their friendship, so Finn took up his Xbox control again and the two boys recommenced their play, a welcome feeling of camaraderie returning to them.
