I was freaked out at first when I found out that no one could hear me or see me. It was like a nightmare come true. That feeling of shock paled in comparison to the way my stomach nearly fell out of my ass when I saw my body lying there. It was MY body. You don't get much freakier than that. Not to mention that I was dying. Eventually, something happened that snapped me back into my body, and I still don't feel right about how sudden that was. I'm not stupid, I know what happened wasn't a coincidence. Sammy doesn't get why I'm not mourning. Oh, hell, I am. If only he knew how much. I mean, we both watched our father die in front of our eyes, and I'm not only mourning for that, I'm mourning for Sammy too. He found Dad. The thing is, Sam's the emotional one, always has been. I have to be strong for the both of us. It's hard as hell, though, to be strong without him. He was my strength. Admitting to myself that he's gone might just kill me. Some day, when Sam gives me those puppy dog eyes and asks me what's wrong, I'll crack. I'll crack and all these emotions I'm holding in will run out of me like the freakin' Mississippi. I'm not naïve I know it has to happen eventually, but as we watch Dad burn (we had to salt and burn him, it was what he wanted) Sam tries to fight back tears and I know that I can't crack. Not today, no matter how much I want to, no matter how broken I am. Sam is the only other one who has ever made me feel like that. He's the only other one who has ever made me want to crawl into a corner and drown in tears the likes of a damned chick flick. I stayed strong then, I'll stay strong now. Sammy and I have each other, it's all we have now, but I know it's enough. So I'm gonna crack eventually, but not today. Not today.