Arrival
Tuesday
Last week I received a letter from my elder sister Zecora. She had been residing in this "Everfree Forest" for a long time now, I suppose she decided now was a good a time as ever to invite me over.
According to her letters, Equestria is in stark contrast to our own homeland. The conveniences I have always taken for granted are daily chores for the pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies. In the province of Ponyville (a small town neighboring the Everfree Forest) the residents change seasons through hard work and cooperation. They don't just control the temperature either, but when it rains, snows, even the time and place a rainbow will show up. Strange, I wonder why the weather is the same in every place EXCEPT Equestria. Is there some kind of magical barrier that separates the nation's boundaries from everything else? If that is the case, why go to such trouble? Maybe it's just a way of forcing the races into working together. Doesn't really matter, my sister has certainly gotten used to it.
In fact, she's embracing the foreign world's methods. Even though she lives in a simple hut on the wooded outskirts of Ponyville, she has collected quite the assortment of friends. All of which greatly vary in personality and physical appearance, good for her.
Making friends hasn't really been a problem for me. I guess because our breed isn't very "multi-colored," so you know, we can't really make fun of each other that much. So it blows me away, that these ponies can even talk to each other when they're so different.
One detail has been disturbing me for a long time now. Turns out, Equestria is co-ruled by two princesses. So why the HELL are they still princesses? Wouldn't QUEENS be the appropriate title? It would make more sense if their parents were still alive, but NOBODY knows if they even exist! How come they were NEVER mentioned at all? Did their king and queen just bail on them? That's HORRIBLE!
Whatever, I'm leaving for the train station.
Wednesday
So I'm writing this while waiting for the train. You will not believe this.
It took FOREVER to find the express to Ponyville. You'd think it wouldn't be hard right? Not many towns named Ponyville. Well guess what, every fucking place is a GOD DAMN PUN! I can't make this shit up journal! Look at this, fucking CANTERLOT that's great, that's good stuff. Oh wait, wait, FILLYDELPHIA I have never seen something so stupid in my existence. Oh this is grade "A" material, MANEHATTAN! I get it, their ponies! That doesn't mean every god damn city has to be a fucking pun! Are you kidding me? Can't even comprehend, I cannot believe…that's new. STALLIONGRAD! Aw hell naw. This is just retarded now. If my train doesn't arrive in the next five seconds I'm going to fucking lose it!
Thursday
I've been stuck in this train FOREVER! This has been the longest day I've ever had. Seriously, let me run you by this crappy day.
So there I am, minding my own business, looking out the window. And these ponies…are just STARING at me. WHY are they staring at me? At first, I thought that I possibly had some snot hanging out of my nose or something. It couldn't have been my clothes; all I had on was a couple of rings and a hood. Then it hit me, it was because I'm a zebra.
Ponies think I'm a god damn terrorist! You see, what I don't understand is…why are zebras discriminated against? We're black and white, woopty fucking doo!
Some of these freaks are BUTT NAKED! I've seen ponies that are orange, pink, yellow, purple, tangerine, so why the fuck am I the pariah? After making this realization I tried getting some much needed sleep. Not that I would be able to, the train track is so damn rickety, I just didn't want to risk glazing over any one of these racists.
But then…hehe, this little filly is poking my head from the seat in front of me. Almost blew my fuse until I looked into her huge, adorable eyes. My entire wrath evaporated instantaneously when her innocent voice met my ears.
"Hi…" She choked.
That was so cute I just had to reply. I said "Hello, what's your name?" in the nicest tone I could muster.
Oh my god, I mean holy shit…she said the most racist comment in the history of time.
"Why don't you rhyme?"
ARE YOU SHITTING ME! So just because I'm a zebra means we all automatically fucking RHYME, that was the last straw man.
Here's what should have happened. I should have grabbed her neck, broke the window, and threw her out. No remorse.
However, I was somehow able to contain myself after that god-awful question.
"No, I don't rhyme." I informed the dumb kid.
She says "I thought all zebras did that."
Oh my lord. Almost punched that idiot in the face, we do not rhyme all of the time! Okay granted, I can rap pretty well, I could definitely spit some mad rhymes if I wanted to. Because you know I'm a boss. But that's not the point! It's times like this when I wonder what my sister has been doing here. What kind of impression was she leaving on these ignorant ponies?
The filly's folks had FINALLY taken notice of their daughter's heckling me and shushed her. I am grateful for that. I'm looking forward to meeting my sister in Ponyville's town square. As long as I can survive another day, that is.
Friday
Everything I once believed about these ponies has been proven dead wrong. They are not the benevolent creatures Zecora had made them out to be. They are spastic, unreal, and somehow a bit cartoony.
The pink one is on drugs.
The yellow one is a doormat.
The lavender one is a geek.
The orange one is a hill-pony.
The pale one is a bitch.
And the blue one is a lesbian.
