I was sitting in my dressing room and then this really hot guy in a mask came yup to my mirror and was like, "Um, hi, Christine, do you kinda wunna go down here and listen to music and stuff."
And I was like, "Sure!"
So we went down the steps, and rode a horse, played in the boat, and bet on a sumo wrestling fight, and then we got to his apartment. It was totally cool, cause there like candles, and water, and cupcakes everywhere.
I could feel my eyes drupe and said, "Hey, I'm kinda like tired, can I go home?"
And he freaks out. He's like "NO! Don't go. I mean you've now got here, and you can spend the night."
And I was like, "Ok!"
So he picked me up and took me to the bed. And I was like, "Hey, where are you gunna sleep?"
And he looked around and said, "Nowhere."
And I was like, "Okey dokey!"
And I went to sleep.
When I woke up I noticed that my tights were gone and I was kinda in my underclothes. So I run out of the room and bump into the hot guy; then he starts getting indecent on me. Yelling things like, "Crack Whore!" and "SlutMuffin!" and "Why didn't I finish college?!"
Then I was like, "Whoa! Usually you have to pay extra for that stuff."
And he was like, "ok whatever, I was glad with last night, after what I poured into your drink."
"But wait," I said, "I didn't have a drink last night."
"OR DID YOU!?!?!"
"I dunno, did I?"
"I dunno. Hey, wunna go watch tv?"
And I was like, "Righto!"
So we went to watch tv.
And I saw him sitting in the room, staring at the wall.
"You want I always wanted, Christine," he said to me, not letting his glance leave the wall, "I always wanted to be a pirate."
"A pirate?" I said shocked.
"YES! A PIRATE!" He shouted and jumped up on the bed upon which he sat. "I WANT TO BE A PIRATE!!!" his voice echoed off the stone walls. He sounded angry, yet there was no reason for which I could see.
"Why are you telling me this," I asked after his episode was over and he had stuck a heroic pose.
"Because, Christine," he said oh-so calmly and jumped off the bed and walked over to me. "I told you because…" he broke off.
"Why. Tell me why." I said eagerly.
"Because," it seemed so difficult for him to say, "Because Raoul is gay!"
"What?"
"Yes, he's gay. I saw him and the stagehand going at it the other day. I couldn't say anything because I knew it would crush you. But he's gay. As gay as they come. I mean, he and the stagehand were all over; rolling on the floor and I think there's a hole in the wall from where they – "
"Stop!" I held up my hand. "I've heard enough." My eyes watered and I turned away.
"I'm so sorry for your loss, Christine," he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"Oh well, I knew it anyway."
"Great!" Silence. "So how much do you usually get paid for your escort services?"
"Oh, about 2 shiny nickels a month."
"Do you live anywhere?"
"NOPE!"
"Then why were you upstairs?"
"I'd rather not say, but that's how I got this shiny dime!"
"So what do you say to a life living down here, and a half-eaten chocolate bunny?"
And I was like, "Yep-i-doodle!"
So that's why I am buying all these birth-control pills, doc. Cause me and the hot guy, and Michelle just like it that much.
