Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

-Albert Einstein-

HellfireSupremacy: Let's face it folks. Some people are dumb. Really dumb. Isn't that right Matthew?

Matthew: Uh…why am I here?

HellfireSupremacy: (whisper) You're my muse of comedic mischief. Just play along.

Matthew: Oh, hell's yeah, lots of stupid people in the world. People like Bartre…

HellfireSupremacy: …and Paris Hilton…

Matthew: …and Dozla…

HellfireSupremacy: …and that guy at the drive through who never gets your order right…

Matthew: …and Boyd…

HellfireSupremacy: Lots of stupid people, the world is just full of idiots. Especially the world of Fire Emblem…

Matthew: ...Which is why Hellfire decided to put together a collection of unrelated one-shots illustrating the sheer stupidity of various FE stooges, one character per chapter…

HellfireSupremacy: …And at the end of each chapter me and Matthew get to proclaim that said character is a fucking moron for all the world to hear. Inspired by the Newgrounds flash video series YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON.

Matthew: Thanks for the inspiration Newgrounds!

(Cough) I don't own Fire Emblem (Cough)


Chapter 1: Lyn is a Fucking Moron

Alright, we all know how this story starts. Lyn finds a tactician collapsed on the plains. Said tactician helps Lyn kill Batta the Beast and some nameless brigand with his uber tactical skills.

LYN: HAALLLPPP, I CANT THINKS ON MAH OWN! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

TACTICIAN: SHANK THIS MUTHA FUCKA!!

BATTA: NOOOOOEESSS, MAH BEASTLY AWESOMENESS! U CAN'T HAVES!

LYN: (STABZORS)

BATTA: (DROPS DEAD)

So let me get this straight, Lyn can't beat two noob bandits without a tactician shouting out commands? Truly this is phail on a level never before seen by humanity. Let's do that again, this time with me being the tactician. Therefore, the tactician is now a complete dick and takes great pleasure in watching stupid people phail at life.

"Mr. Hellfire, help!" Lyn screams. "I need your awesome genius to fight these bandits!"

"No you don't."

"Huh?"

"You're facing two brigands. You have superior stats, a weapon advantage, and two healing potions. I'm sure you can figure this one out on your own.

"Ummmm…."

"Come on Lyn, this isn't brain surgery. It's just two bandits. Two." I hold up two fingers.

"But I'm a sword fighter!" Lyn whines. "I'm not supposed to think and plan and stuff."

"Zero thought required Lyn, this is the fucking prologue. A psych ward escapee on hallucinogenic drugs could figure out how to kill Batta while having a nice conversation with George Washington in a speedo and a shape-shifting alien named Elvis."

"But…"

"Well, I'm gonna go knock back a few brewskies with Matthew. Good luck!"

"Noooo, Don't leave me! I need you to think!"

So Lyn goes out and tries to kill the bandits on her own. Naturally I don't help her. Because I'm a dick. She tries to do the prologue on her own with no tactician and doesn't get very far.

Lyn attacks the first noob bandit and lands a hit. He tries to hit her on the counterattack but, she dodges. Lyn attacks the noob bandit again and he dies. Afterwards Lyn heals up and goes on to face Batta…

…and loses. Lyn actually fucking loses on the prologue. She takes a swing at Batta with her sword. Batta swings back with his axe. Both attacks hit. Batta hits her again during the enemy attack phase and Lyn goes down like the stupid little cunt that she is.

And I'm watching the entire thing laughing my ass off. Because Lyn just died on the prologue. Normal people have to TRY to suck that hard.

LYN: OWW…OWWWWWW! MAH BACK! I GOTS AXED IN MAH BACK!

"Time out! Time out! None of that shit actually happened!" a really pissed off Lyn screams at me. "I dodged Batta's last attack and downed him with a sword critical. My plan worked. I'm smart enough to beat the prologue without a tactician!"

"That was on Easy Mode. You had RNG hax to compensate for your complete lack of intelligence. This is what would have happened if the fight wasn't fixed.

I clap twice, Batta pops up behind Lyn and plants his axe in the back of her neck. Gheb then appears out of nowhere and smacks Batta upside the head with his massive wang. Batta drops dead from blunt-force trauma to the head. Gheb proceeds to buttsex his corpse.

HellfireSupremacy: And what have we learned today Matthew?"

Matthew: We learned that Lyn of the Lorca is a FUCKING MORON!