So I was writing some random stuff while trying to figure out another story and this kind of just happened so I figured I'd share it with you all rather than let it just sit and collect dust on my hard drive.
The first time Kara loses her powers is not in a crowded city.
She doesn't watch a man die.
She doesn't have a gun pointed at her.
She doesn't save anyone.
The first time Kara loses her powers she is alone.
She is alone, and everything she's ever known is gone.
And everyone she's ever loved is gone.
And the world is too loud, and the sky is too bright, and it is all just too much.
So she runs.
She runs until she is as alone as she feels, until the world around her is no longer a blur, until time slows down again, until the first drops of rain hit her skin.
And it's there, standing in the middle of an empty forest with her arms open and her head tilted to a sky full of unfamiliar stars, Kara finally manages to feel something again.
Because all at once there had been nothing. Nothing but the quiet vacant blackness and the ghosts she carried with her. And then all at once there had been everything. A new world, a new language, an overwhelming cacophony of sounds and sensations so immense that they were indistinguishable from each other.
And so she tries to memorize all the things she has seen but never felt before.
The steady rhythm of the water, the impossible lightness of the cool air.
She lies down on the wet ground and lets the damp earth seep into her clothes as she runs her fingers through the pitch-black soil.
She listens for every sound she can hear and names every color she can see.
She thinks of how she would explain them if she could to the people she will never see again.
She wonders which flowers would be her mother's favorite and what names her father would give the constellations.
She falls asleep cold and tired and shivering but for the first time she dreams something other than the image of her planet's destruction and for the first time she wakes up to something other than the memory of miles of empty space.
And when Jeremiah finds her in the morning she finds that she is still trying to memorize everything she can.
The rough callouses of his hands, the cadence of his steps.
She listens to the quiet music playing in the background as they drive and lets her fingers tap out the still unfamiliar rhythms against her leg.
She feels the steadily growing warmth on her arms as the sun rises and the rush of wind that lifts her hand as it sticks out the window.
She doesn't want it to end. She doesn't want to give up this calm for the chaos she has known since coming here.
But it does.
The sounds start to fade into one and other. The world again moves in and out of focus. Everything she touches becomes harder to feel. But before it's all gone, she lets Eliza hold her and lets Jeremiah kiss her forehead and she finally feels what it is to be comforted again — to be anything but alone again.
The first time Kara loses her powers is not in a crowded city.
She is no one's hero.
She isn't even anyone's daughter anymore.
The first time Kara loses her powers she doesn't even know it.
It's only now, a new lifetime of firsts later, that she understands what had happened that day, but she is still thankful that it did. Because Kara knows there are things she will never be able to feel again, see again, hear again. Her father's touch, her mother's laugh, even Rao's light is gone now. And she knows nothing on Earth can replace these things or take them from her, but because of that day, she knows what the rain feels like, she remembers the feeling of Jerimiah's hand in hers, she remembers how soft Eliza's sweater was, and from those things she slowly started to build a home for herself.
The second time Kara loses her powers she is still scared but she is no longer alone.
And this time she cries not for a home she has lost, but for one she is not sure she can protect.
And this time the quiet is no longer a comfort.
But still she tries to remember.
And despite the pain and fear and the feelings she wishes she could forget, she finds that she can still be grateful.
Because for the first time she holds Alex as hard as she can. Holds onto her until she memorizes the feeling, until she is sure she will never forget it, until the tears run down her cheeks.
Because she finally knows what it feels like to hug her sister.
Because now in the moments that she is desperate for someone strong enough to hold her she will always be able to remember the weight of Alex's arms around her.
And that is enough to make her always try to remember. To accept the strength she has to feel again. Even when the world is too loud, even when it is too quiet, and especially when she is powerless against it. Because whether out of the dust of one planet or the rubble of another she knows that there will always be something worth feeling — some small piece of love or comfort worth every other bit of pain and darkness
So that's the first one. The others will focus on specific sensations/emotions that Kara experiences. Let me know what you think...comments, feedback, and ideas, all appreciated.
