For all of you who read the first posting and were disappointed: I'm sorry (grovels)! I have reposted this Random Bit, and I hope it's up to par. Let me know how I did! Enjoy!
Random Bits 16 - Chapter 1
Moonflow- North Bank Road - Not far from Guadosalam.
"Not again!" Yuna whimpered as Bahamut's Mega Flare fizzled out with a pathetic 'fssss!' and a wisp of smoke.
"Why does that keep happening?" she demanded as the Aeon dodged the Ochu's attack. It had been happening a lot lately, Yuna reflected. Poor Bahamut just couldn't seem to get his Mega Flare up when he needed to. She had heard, in various whispered conversations between her male Guardians, that it was probably some sort of 'performance' problem. Whatever that meant.
Although she liked to think that her companions' thoughts were pure, Yuna had the deep, disturbing inkling that 'performance' was some kind of innuendo. Especially since it was immediately followed by sniggers, and by the way that you could practically hear the quotation marks (which are quite hard to do verbally and is only achievable by the really dirty-minded).
"Maybe it's a reptile dysfunction?" Rikku ventured from the sidelines.
The Al Bhed teen waited expectantly (insert classic humorous drum sequence). Because the gods like a joke as much as the next divine entity ,a man in a red pin-stripe jacket and a straw hat popped out of the bushes and honked a small horn in a humorous fashion. "'A Reptile Dysfunction'. Anyone? No?" Rikku's fellow Guardians watched her politely as the punch line fluttered forlornly in the air, unable to find a receptive mind. The horn honked encouragingly, but to no effect. "Guess not." Rikku muttered, giving up. The man's shoulders sagged in defeat and he disappeared back into the bushes.
Bahamut finished off the plant fiend with a few solid punches and hovered over to his Summoner. He landed and gave her an embarrassed look while twisting the end of his tail in his claws. Yuna quickly Dismissed him to save the poor creature further humiliation.
"Everyone okay?" she called, turning to her Guardians.
"What was that? Some kind of Super Ochu?" Wakka grumbled, pulling out a Hi-potion.
"I think we are all fine, except Auron." Lulu said, jerking her head to where the older Guardian was staggering around after Tidus, sword carving unsteady figure eights in the air. "He's a little Confused."
Yuna looked over as Tidus ran towards his companions, Auron bellowing behind him. Everyone has heard the saying 'Safety in Numbers', and in nature greater numbers offers security. This is not because your group will protect you, it's because the more of you there are in a group, the less chance you have of being picked off. This is why college students step out into traffic in a large mob. Drivers aren't usually willing to run through a large herd of people and risk damaging their car, or having the survivors point them out to authorities. They are more likely to run though the stragglers, or those who decide to cross on their own. The fewer there are the easier it is to pick off the survivors who might turn them in.
The other thing about Safety in Numbers is that if you have Danger chasing you, the Numbers aren't going to stick around. Tidus found this out as he tried to return to the safety of the group. His companions scattered as they dodged the unsteadily swinging blade, little white numbers floating into the air on the occasions when Auron missed his target and hit himself. Tidus looked around wildly, arms and legs twitching as they tried to pull him in five separate directions at once before running off blindly in a random direction. The Confused Guardian alternated between madly pursuing anything that moved and swatting at the little gold stars orbiting his head.
"Anyone got any Remedies?" Tidus inquired, jumping away from Auron's flailing weapon. "I'm all out." There was a chorus of 'me too's and 'same here's .
"White Magic?" Kimahri suggested, batting the muddled Legendary Guardian aside with a massive paw.
"Sorry. We Mages are all out of Mp." Lulu replied.
"I'm out of healing Items, but I could probably mix something up." Rikku said, ducking behind a boulder.
"Hurry!" Tidus yelped, leaning back matrix-style to avoid the arching sword.
The sword sheared the air above Tidus barely missing the tip of his nose. He rolled out of the way and fled, the sword slicing through the top inch of Wakka's 'do' on the backswing.
"Awww man!" came Wakka's tortured cry as the severed hair fluttered to the ground.
"Okay! Here it goes!" Rikku crowed triumphantly, chucking the mixture at Auron. Because it was the first attempt, it failed as all first attempts do. Its just the way the Universe works. Its supposed to build suspense and make the next attempt that much more appreciated.
The Universal Laws switched on and Auron found the sudden urge to crouch, the concoction missing him by mere millimeters to land squarely on Kimahri.
"Sorry!" Rikku squealed when the smoke cleared to reveal Kimahri, hairless from the neck down.
"I'll try again." the small Al Bhed teen said quickly, her friends eyeing her warily. This time they quickly crowded behind her.
"Okey-dokey, let's see…um, a Grenade…Shining Thorn, Wings of Discovery…uh, no,no.no,…" she muttered to herself.
"What are you putting in there?" Tidus asked in growing alarm as he watched Rikku grab Items at random and swirl them together.
"Oh, a little bit of whatever. There! Ready for round two."
As the concoction smashed over Auron everyone closed their eyes in apprehension, just in case Kimahri's fate befell their older friend. The Legendary Guardian was enshrouded by a small mushroom-shaped cloud of greenish smoke. It was followed by a blast of stench that hit with the force of a well thrown brick. It was one of those smells that should be accompanied by a warning, usually along the lines of 'Don't go in there just yet' or 'You might want to leave the window in the bathroom open for a while'. The Mixture had removed the Confusion, but had left behind the worst stench ever to sear a nostril. It was so strong that it was able to physically manifest itself as a putrid green-brown miasma.
Auron blinked and peered around in puzzlement, unable to smell the reek. Kind of like college students who want to save a few bucks on their utility bill… by not showering (aka. saving water), and 'recycling' clothes (saving water and electricity) for two months. The nose just gives up after awhile in self-defense. "Where's all this smog coming from?" the middle aged Guardian asked, striding towards his fellows, waving an irritable hand at the cloud which only served to waft it around.
Something was wrong, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. His eyes were drawn to the Ronso. "Why is Kimahri bald?" he asked, his gaze immediately fixing balefully on Tidus. Instinct and Experience told him that if something weird was going on, Tidus was the cause.
"Don't look at me," Tidus snapped defensively, "I didn't do it!" The teen pouted. The 'old people' in the group (Auron (35), Kimahri(32), and Lulu (22, technically young, but mentally going on 40) were always blaming him for everything. They would blame him for original Sin if they could. Wakka was excluded from the 'old people' category because, though 23, was mentally only around age 10.
Auron glanced at Lulu and received an imperceptible nod of affirmation. Auron grunted, surprised, but let the matter drop. He shot a glance at the sky just to make sure the sun was still up there, no snow was falling, and checked to make sure his feet weren't cold, a sign that the Farplane had frozen over. He was having a hard time believing that Tidus hadn't had anything to do with Kimahri's hairless state (and his own smelly state, which he will find out about shortly).
"Uh…" Rikku said in a small voice. " It was a Mixing accident." Auron paused, just now noticing that when ever he took a step forward, his so called friends took a step back. He slowly lifted a foot and watched them carefully. Every one of them slowly moved a leg back. He returned the foot to its original position. His friends leaned forward again.
"What's going on." he demanded in a put out growl.
"You got Confused during the battle, and afterwards we were all out of MP and healing Items, " Yuna began, coming to her cousin's rescue. "So Rikku Mixed some Items together. It took care of the Confusion, but…" Yuna trailed off as her brain searched for the file marked "How to Tell Your Friend He Stinks (And Not Hurt His Feelings)"
"Now you stink like a rotting corpse in a restaurant dumpster on a hot and humid day" Lulu finished for her (someone had to say it). "The first Mixture missed you and landed on Kimahri."
"It's no that bad!" Rikku said in a tiny, guilt-filled voice. The grass at Auron's feet began withering. Rikku did what most people do when faced with spirit crushing guilt: trying to make the victim feel better by comparing their misfortune to someone else's. Despite all common sense she said, "It's better than being bald, right?" A passing bird flew through Auron's smog of stench and fell out of the sky with a feathery thump and a strangled squawk. The Unsent Guardian rolled a baleful eye and gave the teen a look that suggested that being bald was preferable.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Rikku wailed miserably in answer to Auron's frown.
"Let's just get to the nearest Item Shop." Aruon grumbled, stalking off towards Guadosalam, his cloud trailing behind him like a polluted pyrefly. "Do we have to walk with him?" Tidus whispered loudly to Yuna. He was answered with the wimpiest Hand of Justice ever. "I was just asking." he said reproachfully, raising a hand to return the 'plap' (harder than a pat, but weaker than a slap). Tidus' early warning system went off, sensing possible Death by Ronso. His eyes darted around of their own accord and spied Kimahri's naked bulk standing right beside him with one meaty fist raised. Tidus gulped, catching the cold glint in Kimahri's yellow eyes that clearly said "Kimahri smash."
Tidus tried to come up with a witty comment, but failed. He had learned that the only thing you could call a hulking, predatory humanoid capable of disemboweling you with one swipe, was 'Sir'. Tidus lowered his hand.
"Of course we have to walk with him!" Yuna gasped, appalled. "We don't abandon our friends. Sir, Auron," she said brusquely, turning in a swishing of skirts, "Lets go." She walked up to the odiferous Guardian and stood right beside him. The Sisterhood immediately crowded around, despite the rancor, and marched off with Auron in their midst.
Wakka, Tidus, and Kimahri exchanged disconsolate glances. "Auron smell bad." Kimahri rumbled, the closest thing to a whisper a Ronso could get. The Brotherhood slowly shuffled forward.
"I know he's been dead for ten years, but now he smells like it!" Tidus grumbled, Wakka and Kimahri nodding in agreement. They took their time catching up, seriously reconsidering their vows to always follow where their Summoner led.
Better, or Worse? You decide!
