This was inspired by "Alvin's Comedy Hour" by Chipmunksforlife. Keep in mind, you may not understand some of the sounds Alvin makes. I'll just clear this up, he often makes strange sounds like "Aaaaargh", not like a fricken pirate, but to emphasize when someone he's imitating sounds stupid. Also, those of you who aren't exactly smart will not understand a lot of these jokes. Anyways, enjoy!
:)

The audience claps and cheers as the comedian leaves the stage and the announcer takes his place.

"Hello again, ladies and gentlemen! You're all in for a treat. Our next guest is the world famous rock star, Alvin Seville, here live at the Berlin Olympic Stadium!", the announcer exclaimed as he began walking off again while clapping for the red-clad chipmunk that bounded onto the stage and jumped up, grabbing the mic from it's stand and landing gracefully.

"What up Berliiiiiiiiiiiin!", Alvin yelled to the massive, screaming audience.

"That's what I thought peeuhpole! How are you all doing tonight!"

The crowd screamed out for the little chipmunk. Alvin tried saying something but was drowned out by the cheers.

"Alright, your ruining the show.", Alvin said, making the audience die down to a chuckle, "Alright. So, if you haven't seen me do comedy before, I am not good live. The order of my jokes are very random and abrupt. Just a heads up. If I offend anyone tonight, I apologize, that's not my intention. I'm not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is, I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have one."

The crowd chuckled loudly as Alvin continued.

"So, as most of you are aware, me and Brittany are now boyfriend and girlfriend. Took long enough.", the audience laughed, "She usually says to me every time I go on stage, 'Have a good show Alvie, break a leg!'. This is what she said to me before last weeks show in San Francisco, right before I walked on stage she asked, 'Hey, do you ever worry about getting shot while your out there?'. And I was like, 'What the heck is wrong with you?!'. She followed it with, 'You should move around more.'. Uhhh, you should go back to reading your own magazines. I should move around more? As if a sniper would get frustrated, like-"

Alvin then pointed the bottom end of the mic at the audience like a rifle and started waving it side to side, making the crowd laugh hysterically.

"Baaah! I can't keep up. He lives!", Alvin sighed and just stood there for a second, thinking, "I saw a homeless man start skipping yesterday, bottle hit him right in the dome. He forgot the rules! And he'll remember next time, yeah, I threw it."

The audience began laughing again.

"I don't care, why is he happier than me? He shouldn't be, I'm rich!", Alvin stopped to think again while the crowd was burning up the laugh fuel he'd given them, "Have you ever heard a girl say this to you? Brittany said to me once, 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.'. Then I said, 'Well I'm not honest, but you're really interesting.'."

The audience lost it that time, laughing uncontrollably for the next minute. Alvin began to get annoyed.

"Alright, quiet, QUIET! Yes...yes...I know I'm amazing. Funniest comedian alive, I know. I'm the best because I have enough time to cram in hundreds of jokes every time. Now let me tell my next joke!", Alvin quickly walked to the side of the stage and picked up a small water bottle and took a sip. He set it down and walked back center stage, "Being human does have it's perks doesn't it? You women actually have boobs. I asked Brittany once, 'Would you wear shoes if you didn't have feet?'. She answered, 'No, of course not.'. Then I said, 'Then why do you wear a bra?'."

Everyone began chuckling again.

"Yeah. I had to keep a bag of ice in my shorts for a week after that. No wonder women are better at soccer than men.", Alvin turned to the other side of the stadium, "I am all for women who decide to get plastic surgery. It allows the rare opportunity for you to make your outer appearance reflect your inner appearance. Fake."

Everyone busts out laughing.

"Which is a positive joke for women unless of course you have fake boobs. Lets face it, you're not bright enough to get that joke! Heheh, how's that feel, whores! Yeah, just keep telling yourself you did it so your shirts would fit better. You did it because you're a whore! You forgot because you're stupid!", the crowd continues laughing as Alvin rambles on, "Enjoy your free drinks! I'll buy, I love big boobies! Aaaagh! Yeah! You got big boobs? Top shelf! Small boobs? Mmmm, beer in a can."

Alvin walks off to the side a bit while waiting for the crowd to regain their bearings.

"Ever been to a third world country? Not a boob job in the bunch, yet they still find happiness. And that's discouraging because they're tough to look at. Nonono, I know you have a hair lip, but why not work on that rack first! Heheh! I'm from America, don't speak your burga burga language! By the way, I hate soccer!"

People can be seen rolling on the ground with their hands on their sides, hysterical grins on their face.

"And we wonder why other countries think we're a train wreck, and we have shows like The Swan, Extreme Make over. I don't wanna develop a personality so I'm better off with you cutting my face!"

Alvin walks up closer to the audience and makes a ridiculous frown with his lips curled back.

"'A-am I happy? This is the expression I ordered, happy'...put me on extreme make over. I'd like a vagina under my arm! Yeah, that's extreme! I don't even know if they can do this surgery, whatever, I signed the waver! Lets go doc, drill! You know how I like it, five sixteenths and juicy like a star burst!", Alvin begins chuckling to himself too, "This joke gets worse! Hang in there, alright? Then Ryan back at school is like, 'You look different.'"

Alvin raises his arm into the air, "Heheh, ohhhhhhhaaaaAAAH! Oh man! Are you ticklish? Huh? Come guys, two fingers, Aaaaagh yeah! That feels sooo good, now I know why I call you best friend forever!"

Alvin sighs, "I bought a special car designed just for me. It's got an elevated seat and levers that connect to the real petals so I can use the gas, brake and other things, oh it's sooo cool! Anyways, I was learning to drive in my junior year. I was on the freeway once and I looked over and saw a guy with his bear foot sticking out the window!", the audience still can't stop laughing, "Can we agree that that's disgusting? So I pulled over to scream at him when I realized it was an amputee making a left! I know, but I'd already started yelling like, 'AAAAHOOohPfftttt, your...blinker's out! And he waved...or kicked. Received the information..."

Alvin takes another sip of his water as the crowd keeps chuckling at his joke.

"I think people are forgetting what pedophilia is. Like, my brother Simon told me about a news article he read once about a mid forties, male elementary school teacher that had been tying up his entire class and molesting them. Yeah, and he'd been getting away with it for over ten years.", everyone starting Ooohing with there hands up to there mouths, "Of course everyone was horrified. However, when a woman does this, it doesn't become an issue. Like what if a hot, female teacher bangs a fourteen year old student, and nobody in society seems to have a problem with it. They all say the same stupid joke, 'Uuh huh huh, probably made the kid more popular, Aaaargh'. That's disgusting. She's a pedophile, she should be in prison forever. I dated a teacher in my senior year, yeah. It didn't make me cooooler. And a lot of you were like, 'Well that's because you were home schooled.'."

The audience busts out laughing hysterically again as Alvin continues.

"Va-valid point! Doesn't mean I'm a bad chipmunk, just means statistically I'm smarting than you are. And I had game."

Alvin turns to the other side of the crowd.

Alvin waits a moment to think, "A leopard can carry two times it's body weight into a tree...I don't have a joke for that yet, but it is accurate so If you don't like my stand up, at least you can go home saying, 'You know what, I learned something. That guys like a darn Snapple.'. Alright, you might not like the flavor, but once you pop the top your like, 'Ooooh, the sun is hot! Forty five million degrees Fahrenheit, it feels warmer!'. Georgia's south of Florida? Bullcrap Snapple! Then I saw the globe, I was like, 'Oh, I'm sorry Snapple. You were always right!'."

Alvin drinks his water again and walks center stage. Everyone is just settling down as he continues.

"We've gotta seal up the borders in America, that's for sure. Yeah. I'm not talking about mexico either, I love mexico. Beautiful beaches and fifty dollars never bought me so much toaster waffles. Sure, it had some sand in it, but I had a garbage bag, I was king for a day!...I'm talking about Canada, stay in your own yard! I'm sooo sick of these Canadians down here, always complaining, 'It's nice, but I couldn't live here, I love seasons too much. I love seasons.', so do I! That's why I live in a place that skips the cruddy ones! Because I love seasons. Why don't you ice skate you butt back to your log cabin...and enjoy that ten month dead period!"

The crowd, of course, if holding their guts again, trying not to hack up a lung.

"Where you get to stay inside, day after day, after day. And eventually you have to stab your wife to death just so you can see some color! That's my favorite season where your wife is lying dead on the floor...those reds, am I right? It's like maine! We should get lobster."

Alvin walks a bit closer to the crowd.

"Anywhere you live, there's risk. I live in California now, and we have earthquakes, mudslides. And the rest of the country's like, 'Ha! That's what you get for building your homes on the side of cliffs!'. Heheh, that's because we've got stuff to look at, Tulsa! Why don't you shut your mouth and enjoy that new strip mall! I hear they're gonna put a Chilis in it, that's gonna be super sweet! On Thursdays, they're doing two for one appetizers.'I'm gonna go pizza popper, you get the spinage artichoke dip. I wanna get chicken fingers, your getting a chicken caesar salad, it's a different kind of chicken!'. Heheh, that joke was long and worth it."

Alvin waits out the audience's profusive laughing by getting a drink of water again. He wipes his mouth and continues.

"Poker's a sport? Then put it in the olympics. And you can only play with what your country's worth. How great would that be, being an American! 'Looks like Costa Rica's all in with fifteen coconuts!'. Heheh!", Alvin sighs, "Parade or fireworks, which do you go to? Fireworks. I don't even have a joke for the moron that yells, 'Parade! I would go to a parade, I'm here alone because I make horrible decisions!'. You don't even know when a parades finished, like, 'Man, is that it? Can we go? I'd like to wash the gay off me!'. Fireworks, you know when they're finished. The finally? It's pretty impressive, parades could learn a thing or two. They need a finally, my recommendation, one more lap, sixty times the speed. All bands in a full sprint, floats going eighty, midgets flying off cause they have little fingers, they can't hold on. So kids in the side lines are catching them, 'Mom, can I keep him?', 'I don't see why not. They're not real.'. They're not! They can't even vote in my country! Ok, they can vote, but they have no clue who they picked. They're jumpin' up grabbing levers. And that's the story of how president bush won the election! Heheh, yes I did! Aaaw, that joke had a happy ending."

Alvin turns again to the other side of the stadium.

"Heheh, you humans have a weird sense of style. His jeans are faded, her jeans have holes in them, yet they're not that old, that's how you bought them. That's ridiculous. I say give them brand new to the homeless, let them age it, then take it back, wash it, sell it. That way we can clothe the homeless, but we can still look down on them because they're not in style. Heh, we need classes, know your role.", and now the crowd's laughing with their hands to their mouths.

"I assume you all know how much of a trouble maker I am. You should know this from the three movies I've been in so far. I play practical jokes on my family constantly. I got Brittany sooo good one time, I replaced her pepper spray with silly string! Anyways, that night, she got raped. She called me the next day going, 'You son of a bitch! You little jerk, as soon as I started spraying him in the face, I was like, 'Alvin?! This is gonna really hurt!'.'. I had to wear the ice pack for another week as you can imagine."

The audience is completely losing it at this point.

"A lot of people complain that their girlfriend or wife takes too long to get ready when they go out at night. I've never had that complaint, and I think...it's because I never want to go anywhere. So I couldn't care less how long it takes Brittany to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't wanna kill myself. Yeah. She'll take an hour an a half to get ready and come over to the door like, 'Oh my goodness! You were sooo patient!'. I'll be like,'For what? You look disgusting!'. Now she's crying, whatever, I bought my self an extra two hours to watch the game. Heheh!"

The crowd chuckles while Alvin goes for another drink of water.

"Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet in reverse. 'We're listening.'. It's nice right? You can turn around and lean on the tank. 'I'm gon' be here for uh while.'. Yeah, the people who are clapping right now are like,'Ok, all kidding aside, he is a genius. Nononono, it's the simplicity of it! I've been sitting on that thing my whole life, you're telling me I can turn around? Have a bowl of cereal, set the alarm ten minutes later? Multitask!'. Ok, nobody should eat while on the toilet. 'But I'm lactose intolerant and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins with whole milk!'. It's more of an almond milk cereal but live your dream. Somebody emailed me recently saying,'Hey rat, I which for the record is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your emails.'. Oh lets see what this nice fan has to say! 'You had me at hello. You know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards.'...Touche! Alright, so I didn't research, it's a pre shower dump. Agreed? Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail?! Do you ever have a post shower dump? Aaaagh, may as well go back to bed and start your whole day over! Things are wrong! That's not the order of events! There's a glitch in the matrix! This worlds not real! MOM! Wipe me! Heheh, you guys have been great. Goodnight!", Alvin exclaimed as he set the mic by the stand and picked up his water while waving at the crowd as he walked off stage.

Thanks for reading! Make sure to review, telling me what you thought of the jokes!