Ok, I don't know where this came from. I just heard this letter being dictated to me and I wrote it. It's very sad, I warn you. Set right after Sirius is found, tried, and thrown into Azkaban.

"Enigma"

I…I can't believe he would do this. His best friend… that he'd hand James and Lily over to the Dark Lord without turning a hair. And his own godson as well, had Harry not somehow survived. Sirius…what have you done?

How could you? Was it all pointless then? Was it all just an act? All the time we spent together. The tricks we all pulled. The laughter you and James shared. We were the four Marauders. We were a team.

And all those nights, Sirius. The nights we shared. Exploring Hogsmeade as animals. The grand adventures we had, though I feel guilty for them.

And then there were the other nights, Sirius, the ones just we knew of and shared. The countless hours we spent. Laying beside each other. Staring into each other's eyes just for the sake of staring. Exploring each other's hearts, minds, and bodies. Drawing intricate maps not of the castle, but of each other. Damn it, I can still feel you in my fingertips, hear your breath catch. And the whispers, Sirius.

I can still hear the thousands of whispered conversations we had in the darkness. The three words we spoke over and over to each other, punctuated by how many stolen kisses in the night? The words I continue to hear echoing in my head. The promises. The confidences. The confessions.

The confessions.

Sirius, how could you? And why didn't I see it? Was I just blinded by your grace and charm, caught up in my love and the thought that someone could actually love me, despite the fact I was a werewolf…the despicable?

Did you love me, Sirius? Did you ever truly love me? Was it just a lie, like everything else?

I don't know why I'm writing this. Why I'm bothering to try, anyway. The parchment's soft and wet from the tears I'm not going to try to hide anymore. I want to howl like the wolf I am supposed to be in my agony, but can't bring myself to do it. So I grieve in this letter for Peter. For James and Lily and for little Harry, now an orphan.

But also for you, Sirius.

I grieve for the friend and lover I have lost, the man who died with my three other dearest friends the night he murdered them. The only person who ever truly knew my heart sometimes better than I myself knew it. The only person who knew how to aggravate and electrify me. The man who melted my heart the minute he first spoke the words I'd so longed to hear from his lips.

"I love you, Remus."

I feel like I'm dying every minute you are away, every second I realize what you've done, every moment I know that you're sitting in Azkaban prison.

And every instant I realize that you belong there.

I shall miss you terribly, Sirius Black, the other half of my soul. I shall miss the touch of your hand, the feel of your lips, the warmth and weight of your body. And as I nurse the pieces of my shattered heart I know I shall miss the glow that you always managed to give it.

I wish you could know how much you still mean to me, Sirius. How much, despite the hurt and pain, I still love you. That I'll always love you, Sirius.

Hello, Remus.

This is your mind.

The Sirius you knew…and loved…is gone.

Provided he ever truly existed at all.


With much sorrow,

Remus J. Lupin