If Only For Tonight: Part 1
I The Sunken Flagon
Lana retired to her room at the Sunken Flagon, wearied to the core. Sir Nevalle's visit still hung in the air like death. She couldn't take another minute of her companion's well meaning advice or condolences. Worst of all was the consternation she saw cross Casavir's face at the pronouncement she must become a squire and serve one of Neverwinter's knights.
The irony of a rogue—and a darn good one—having to pledge herself to the duty of squire was churning in her thoughts. She paced her room like a caged tiger. Lana muttered to herself, Accused of murder, and an entire village at that?! Preposterous! To have to become a squire? ME?! Years of sneaking, hiding in the shadows, thumbing my nose at those I now am being forced to serve. Now I must give my loyalty and life to them to save my life? Lana threw up her hands in disgust. Somehow though, the worst part of it all was the solution foisted upon her.
Her thoughts suddenly changed, unbidden, as she recalled all that had occurred this evening. She remembered the pain in Casavir's eyes at the pronouncement that she must become a squire. She sighed and sat down on the bed, relieved at the change of direction her mind chose to take.
Her thoughts became more introspective, calmer. "I wish he could trust me more. Anyone with the gift of sight can see something is eating him up. What happened to cause so much grief? To change a paladin—someone dedicated to serving their country and their god—into this brooding shell of a man? Do they now expect me to bow down and serve those same tyrants that crushed him so?"
Lana recalled what little Casavir had revealed concerning why he was at Old Owl Well and the reasons that had brought him there. She knew he had left Lord Nasher's service without permission but not much more. She understood he needed time, but thought she lacked the patience to wait. She was used to not being trusted by most, but earning his trust had become paramount to her. There was more to him then an uptight, rigid paladin as so many believed of all paladins. There was honestly, compassion and a kindness Lana sought. She hungered to be near him, to be accepted and maybe someday, loved by him. She yearned for something more then friendship and thought he might also. She had seen him watching her- the gift of stealth came in handy for more than being a good pickpocket. She saw him looking at her as a man looks at a woman, longingly. She knew she had to give him time to heal, but heal from what?
The next morning came all too soon. Lana had to report to Brelaina's office to meet the knight that was willing to "allow" her to serve him. Sand and Shandra were the only two in the common room when she finally forced herself out of her room.
Odd, just these two this morning. I wouldn't expect Bishop to miss such a golden opportunity for a snide remark. Lana thought. She had hoped to at least see Casavir before going to seal her fate to this knight. Lana understood that Casavir's presence meeting the knight would be uncomfortable for all involved. Lana snorted in disgust at her line of thinking. Swear an oath of fealty to some pompous knight to save my bacon. Hells! She squared her shoulders and stalked off to the City Watch.
After what seemed an eternity to her, Lana entered the Sunken Flagon after making her pledge- along with a long-winded lesson on knighthood and all it entailed. All of her companions were present, waiting for her. Bishop stood, leaning against the fireplace mantle. He looked lithe, always appearing to be on the prowl for something or someone to hunt. He smirked as she entered. Was that a permanent feature? No one knew with him and it was best not to ask.
"… So, did you pledge your undying love to Tyr and country? To faithfully oil your knight's armor and shine his weapons until the day you die?" Bishop sneered at her.
Damnit, how does he make everything reek of innuendo? Lana thought.
"Of course I did. What other choice do I have?" Lana retorted.
"You could run away with me. We could hide and use those Rogue skills of yours" Bishop said suggestively, looking her up and down like a piece of tasty meat.
"We all know this is just a formality. Anything to keep those filthy Luskan dogs away is worth a try." Sand snapped. Sand had that gleam in his eye he got whenever he spoke of anything to ruin Luskan's day.
"Well, on that we can agree," sneered Bishop.
Grobnar, always wanting to lighten the mood interjected, "And I have just the tune! A little ditty that's been floating in my head!"
Lana inwardly groaned and turned toward the bar to get a drink. As she did, she noticed Casavir sitting quietly alone at a table. He had a mug clutched between his hands, staring at the drink as if trying to unlock the secrets it might contain in its depths. He slowly looked up, and his piercing blue eyes locked with Lana's. His intensity was almost too much to bear. Lana met his gaze and held it. She stared back, silently willing him to speak, look away, to move...anything. It was as if the world had melted away, leaving only the two of them, locked in this eternal gaze.
Lana again wondered, as she was almost lost in those pools of blue agony, How much could one man bear before it crushes him?
After what seemed an eternity, Casavir dropped his gaze back to his hands.
He muttered, "Is the deed done? Are you a squire?" Lana took this as an opening to draw closer, if only in conversation. She pulled out a chair and sat unbidden, putting her back to the others; an unspoken plea to be left alone.
"Yes, for what it's worth," Lana replied, a wince crossing her features.
"Is this all a farce to you? This pledge is not something to be taken lightly," he replied, looking up from his clenched hands.
"I understand, but you must see the ridiculousness of the situation, Casavir. I'm a rogue! You know, a trained thief. Does it not make you laugh at the irony?"
Casavir resumed staring into his mug. "There is much good in you. Tyr has need of you."
"Curse Tyr! I don't worship him or need him. I'm no paladin pledging my life and all I am, to do his will. This is Tyr's sick joke, most likely!" Lana shot out hotly.
Casavir looked up, the look on his face as if someone had struck him a blow. "You mean as I did." It was not a question, it was a statement meant to strike out at her.
Lana bit her lip, not sure how to respond. She didn't want to argue with him or cause him to retreat again. "I'm sorry, Casavir. I meant no disrespect." They sat in uncomfortable silence a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Lana broke the silence.
"Casavir, I don't want to sound like I'm prying," Casavir's jaw clenched in anticipation as she continued. "But if there is anything you could share…anything to make this all easier to understand, to make some sense of it all…" she trailed off.
His gaze fell again to his drink. Lana thought she had pushed him too far, was sure he would not respond. His voice came low, almost too quiet to be heard. "Years ago, I took these same oaths to become a squire. I believed in those words and what they meant. I trained, lived, and breathed them as any young squire would. I believed in serving my lord knight in all that he asked. It was my duty and my joy, to be so lost in service." He paused, the shadows of remembrance flickering across his face. He continued, "To become a paladin is not an undertaking to be assumed lightly. It is your life and you must give your soul. Many do not understand that and mock it." His eyes shot to Bishop. "I had the power in my hands, in my soul. It was so easy to lose myself to unquestioning duty."
Lana asked tentatively, knowing part of the answer but hoping for more, "And did something change that?"
Casavir sat, staring at her, through her. A choked "Yes" as he paused again. "When we met at Old Owl Well, I saw in you a light I had lost within myself. I had become bitter, determined to lose myself to the greater cause and regain my faith, my loyalty. Sometimes I wished to die, yearned for it. I searched for those impossible battles and yet would come away always victorious. I believe it was what you called 'Tyr's sick joke'?" he said with a slight quirk on his lips. Lana wiggled a bit uncomfortably in her seat, as a blush crept across her cheeks.
He continued, "You have asked me before of what occurred before Old Owl Well. It is as I said… that some battles must be fought alone. Thank you, Lana, for leaving me to fight that battle in peace. Your friendship and leadership have become an example to me."
Lana gazed at him as she replied, "I only do what my heart tells me is right. I do what must be done. Seems no one else will."
A slight smile played on Casavir's lips. "And that, my lady, is why you must go through this next step. You must be there for the people. Not the politics or the nobility but for the good of all. You give the people balance and fairness, without personal agendas. Do not treat this as a farce."
Lana gulped. The pain was gone from Casavir's eyes, replaced by something different. His eyes bored into her. It was as if he was staring into her soul. Casavir stood abruptly. As he did so, he placed his hand within a breath of hers. "We need you, my lady." It was as if a cold blast shot up Lana's spine yet she felt warm under his gaze.
Casavir held her eyes locked with his intensity. He slowly turned and looked away. He walked away, turning his back to her. She watched as he went alone towards his room, saw his shoulders slump like someone had piled full plate onto them. Lana stared after him, longing for whatever was left unspoken between them. She rose to gather her bedroll and other gear for the night ahead, alone.
