Contains mild spoilers for ME2, and it's Garrus/FemShep-centric. Planning for this one to be pretty long. Read and review if you like.

I loved Mass Effect 2 so very much. Go buy it!

I don't own Mass Effect or its characters. BioWare is my religion.


Reflections

Life certainly loved throwing him for a loop. The last 10 years of his life, he could just imagine it all being some big cosmic joke that he wasn't privvy to. The only thing he ever wanted was to make a difference, a real difference; to help those who could not help themselves.

As with all Turians, he was trained in the military at the age of 15. He was among the best of the raw recruits. Graceful, fast, and an incredible marksman. His commanding officer often told him he would go on to do great things. He worked hard, and was offered a position as a potential Spectre. It was one of the proudest moments of his life, and he was barely into adulthood.

He remembered rushing home with the news to his father, expecting him to be proud of his son, but instead he received a lecture on why it was a foolish thing to do. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely, Garrus," his father had said. "You'd be better off serving C-Sec, making a real difference within the confines of the law. Do things right, or don't do them at all." And so, Garrus had decided not to join the Spectres, and instead became a C-Sec officer like his father.

In hindsight, he realized most of his life's choices had been made to please his father, who was just impossible to please. Even as a C-Sec officer, he was never doing things the way his father wanted him to. Garrus was young, impatient, and rash, not the qualities a proper C-Sec officer should have. The Saren Arterius investigation was his big break, and he knew as soon as the file came across his desk that this would be the defining moment of his life.

Not only was Saren a Turian, but he was also the most respected and famous Spectre in Citadel space. If Garrus could bring him down, not only would his father be immensely proud, but he'd be doing something that really mattered. Saren was working with the Geth and attacking human colonies. Saren's stance on humanity as a whole was clear from the beginning, he was one of the most outspoken anti-human Turians.

Garrus never understood why so many seemed fearful, or even outright hostile, toward humanity, he'd seen nothing but immense willpower and the ability to get things done. Humans reminded him of a squishier version of Turians, and if the Relay 314 Incident had taught them anything, it was that humans were to be respected as a formidable ally. Not the kind of race you'd want as a foe.

Humanity as a whole rather fascinated him. He'd spent most of his downtime reading their brutal and bloody history, intrigued that among all this in-fighting they had somehow managed to come out of it united, and with some of the most beautiful works of art. Asari loved human music, and Garrus himself was rather fond of the era they called "Baroque." They were also genetically diverse, moreso than any other known species. For such a small planet, Earth housed several different sub-races of humans. This was a unique trait that also seen in Earth's animal population. And more than just genetic diversity, they also had many different languages. Turians had a few different dialects, but not on the scale that humans did. Earth was a galactic community unto itself, and it was so incredible.

Garrus admired the humans as much as he did his own species, and was always quick to befriend the humans who came to work for C-Sec; which is exactly why Executor Pallin had chosen Garrus to head the investigation of Saren. He was a Turian that was well-liked by his human peers, and it was a sound diplomatic move. It also helped that Garrus was a damn good cop.

Unfortunately, the Council stonewalled him at every turn. Everything Saren was connected to was classified, and the man himself was impossible to find. Garrus was overcome with frustration, and argued vehemently with Executor Pallin, and this was the first time he saw her.

Three human marines approached the two arguing Turians, and Executor Pallin excused himself. Garrus took a moment to size them up. A man and woman stood behind another woman, who he correctly assumed to be Commander Annabel Shepard. He had, of course, read everything he could on the young marine beforehand, and it was hard to go two steps among humans without hearing her name, or rumours of her deeds.

She stood a full head shorter than he, with brilliant red hair like a sunset on Palaven. Her eyes were the same shade of green as the fields that covered the Presidium, and she had skin so pale it was almost translucent. She looked fragile, but in this case the looks were most definitely deceiving. She had survived the raid on Mindoir by Batarian slavers when her entire family had perished, and instead of losing herself in red sand or alcohol as so many others do, she instead joined the Systems Alliance and rose through the ranks with astonishing speed. It seemed she was forever destined to be at odds with the Batarians, though, as she held off the Skyllian Blitz single-handedly. She was a hero, and a living legend among her people, even a few high-ranking Turians voiced their respect of her. She was a testament to her species' ability to adapt and overcome.

"Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren."

Shepard crossed her arms as she gave him the same look he had given her, she was sizing him up. "Sounds like you really want to bring him down."

"I don't trust him," he held her gaze for a moment before continuing. "Something about him rubs me the wrong way. But he's a Spectre, everything he touches is classified. I can't find any hard evidence."

The man behind Shepard interrupted their little exchange. "I think the council's ready for us, Commander."

"Looks like you're right, Lieutenant. I suppose we shouldn't keep them waiting. It was nice meeting you, Officer Vakarian." She smiled as she said this, and Garrus felt his mandibles twitch with surprise. She was a pleasant person, far moreso than any of the other Alliance marines or human politicians he'd met.

"And you, Shepard. Good luck, maybe they'll listen to you." He watched her leave to meet with council, and shook his head. She'd get stonewalled the same way he did, regardless of how personable she was.

Garrus smiled at the memory, not an ounce of prejudice in her even at the beginning. She'd always treated him as her equal and nothing else, which is why he admired her so much. Eventually they had found the evidence needed to convince the Council of Saren's actions, and Commander Shepard was named the first human Spectre. He'd jumped at the chance to join her crew aboard the Normandy, it was the opportunity of a lifetime. He could do something that really matter for once.

He quickly became enamoured with her battle prowess, and she was an incredibly powerful biotic, something the extranet had failed to mention. He treasured the time that she spent in the cargo hold with him, talking about their pasts and the mission at hand. He'd opened up more to her than any other person before, and was rewarded with rare glimpses of who she was beneath her diplomatic marine shell. While most people only saw her cool logic and level-headed diplomacy, he knew she was also witty, charming, and prone to angry outbursts. He'd once seen her punch a reporter right in the mouth, a memory he still cherished.

She brought him along on all of her missions, and he'd watched with envy as her and Kaidan Alenko became close. They were so taken with each other, he imagined it had something to do with the fact that they were both biotics. He'd always wanted something like that, what the two of them had, but he'd never had the time for it. Kaidan never fully trusted Garrus, but they'd gotten along well enough. He'd heard a bit about Kaidan's tumultuous past with a certain Turian, and couldn't begrudge him his mistrust.

The mission had been hard, and they'd lost Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams on Virmire, but they were ultimately successful. Humanity had come through for the galaxy, the Council was saved, Sovereign defeated, and all was well... Sort of. The Council denied all existence of the Reapers, claiming that Saren and the Geth were the only ones involved, and then sent the Normandy and her crew into the Terminus Systems to flush out and eradicate the Geth. Not a single person onboard was happy with it, the Reapers were out there and a threat to all organic life. The Council was blind, and their blindness would have catastrophic consequences.

Like right now. Garrus stood completely still in Councilman Anderson's office as the haggard former marine relayed the worst news possible.

"The Normandy was destroyed, twenty servicemen are unaccounted for, but the majority of the crew made it out safely," Anderson rubbed his forehead with one hand, heaving a sigh.

"Did-" Garrus' breath hitched in his throat, and he cleared his throat, trying to find the courage to ask. He didn't want to know, but he had to. "Did Shepard make it out?"

Anderson kept his head down, wondering how best to answer the young Spectre. He knew the Turian looked up to Shepard, he was training to become a Spectre because of her, and he knew that whatever he said now was going to break his heart. Best go for the truth, then, he decided. "I'm sorry, Vakarian. Commander Shepard gave her life to ensure her crew made it out alive. She's a damned hero in my books, but the Council would like to keep her death on a strictly need to know basis."

Garrus looked at the human Councilor, completely silent. His mouth dropped open, his mandibles shook slightly, and he closed his eyes.

"Look, I know you were close with her. She considered you her right-hand man, and you impressed the hell out of not only her, but the entire Alliance military. I have the utmost respect for you and everyone else who took part in bringing Saren down, so if there's anything, anything at all, that I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask." Anderson came around his desk and laid a supportive hand on Garrus' shoulder. "The galaxy has lost something irreplacable."

Garrus finally opened his eyes to give what he hoped was a look of thanks to the older man. He was Shepard's mentor, he knew the councilor had to be hurting just as much. Shepard was gone, the most important person in his life, the closest friend he'd ever had. She was gone. He took a deep, shaky breath. Green eyes twinkled with humour as she offered Garrus a hand out of the puddle, "Only a Turian could make falling on his ass seem graceful."

He backed away from the councilor, one step. Red hair bounced across the cargo hold toward him, and he couldn't help but smile as she joined him for another late-night discussion. He secretly loved these sessions with her. Two steps. The way her face lit up when she caught him listening to Vivaldi caught him by surprise. He could only watch with bewilderment as she began to hum and play an air violin. He turned and fled from the office. He couldn't be here, he couldn't be around this place right now. He found an empty closet and shut the door, somewhere quiet to grieve in peace. He sagged against the wall and let out a cry of pure anguish. It rumbled through his entire body, leaving him raggedly gasping for breath as he collapsed in a quiet heap on the floor. He'd allow himself this one time to wallow in his feelings.

What was he supposed to do now? Where was he supposed to go? He'd had this grand vision of him becoming a Spectre and working with Shepard for the rest of their days, flying across the galaxy and righting wrongs together, but now... His home was taken from him. He could continue his training, but would he be able to endure it? No, probably not. Too many ghosts. You can never go back, things are never the same. He rested his head on the cold floor and closed his eyes. Just this once...