When you're wrung out and nothing short of broken, you chase highs. You lace your dreams with chemicals and hope to ease the nightmare of your life. You run from one place to another, hoping your demons will not catch up with you. (They do). You misplace your desires on doorsteps and hopes your heart isn't trodden on when it's discovered, but you never stay long enough to find out. You only go where the sunlight won't find you. You only hope in vain to never see yourself as you are – chipped, used, and forgotten, bent out of shape by the sins of your own making.
And he looks at you like he could save you, this Trafalgar Law with his eyes of storm.
x x x
He woke up to the sound of machines beeping his life signals, an unfamiliar, intrusive sound that sent his heart racing into panic as he sat up in back, reeling back from the sudden rush of blood to his head and his arms frantically mooring him to the hospital bed by holding onto the railings on either side. Immediately, he could feel the frenzy of movement in the room as uniformed personnel quickly took their places to calm him down, and he knew this in his mind even when his heart wouldn't allow it to happen, knew he had to come down from his panic –
And then he walks into the room.
When Luffy first met Law's eyes, he felt the world was trembling to a stop to accommodate the moment for them, that Law demanded, commanded the attention and scrutiny and the very breath in Luffy's lungs to stay still and just notice him. His movements, so carelessly graceful, just hinted at the energy of the older doctor as he looked down at his notes once, before looking up at Luffy with his lips drawn into a solemn line and said. "Calm down, Mr. Monkey, we're taking care of you."
And then he moved across the room into Luffy's space and Luffy was just too – awestruck? surprised? – that he stopped moving and just looked up at Law silently, drawing an approving smile that didn't quite reach his eyes from his Doctor, and then Law was checking his vitals and telling him he was going to be fine, they'd saved him, they were going to call in for his psychiatric counsel today and Luffy remembered, oh, he'd tried to kill himself, and Law didn't judge, just warily looked at Luffy with eyes that were a myriad of emotions Luffy couldn't read, and then he walked out of the door leaving Luffy feeling empty, empty, empty.
Choking up, Luffy laid back in his bed and curled in on himself, letting the sobs wreak over his frame and feeling the hot, salty tears fall down his face into his white, shiny bed covers and then he felt arms, hands around him and knew the closest thing he had to a family was here, that Nami was holding him and telling him he was going to be fine, and he knew she'd been the one to call them and he didn't know to hate her or love her for it for not letting him die.
x x x
They seemed to love writing up notes on prescription pads about him but he wasn't at all interested in knowing what was in there, he barely had the will to even get through the day and Luffy spent most of his time wondering where he had gone wrong, feeling helplessly hopeless every time he thought about dying and knew he couldn't, not now, not yet, because Nami looked so broken up and he hadn't spoken to her since he'd woken up, but he hadn't really spoken to anyone either and the only conversation he seemed to be having was the one in his head.
Until his Doctor came, walking into his room while he'd been asleep, waking him up with one finger pressed against his pulse and looking down at him in worry, letting out a sigh and pulling up a chair to sit with him. And Luffy realized it was late and he must be getting out of his shift, and didn't understand why he was spending time here. Law talked, and Luffy slipped in and out of consciousness but was glad for the warmth of this strange presence that kept him from losing grip as he was so close to doing. With morning come, Law was gone, but he was back again that night, and the night after that, and Luffy started finding strength in his solid presence the way he couldn't in Nami's soft breaking against his shores like she was an ocean full of worry.
x x x
When Luffy's discharged, it's been three months since he was brought to the hospital in an ambulance with a very frantic Nami holding onto his shirt and essentially saving his life in ways he hadn't asked to be saved. The road to recovery had been slow, biting, stumbling, but he'd gotten better enough for his psychiatrist to deem his safe to return home, although he still felt so misplaced, like everything he'd ever lost could be felt tumbling around inside of him where he couldn't find it as hard as he searched. He'd started speaking about a month and a half into his hospital admission, his first words had been asking for water from the Doctor that so patiently visited him every night, and then it had been a struggle to recovery there, but they told him later that as hard as taking that first step was, he had decided to live, chosen to chose himself, and that was good, that was good.
He still had to remind himself that was good, that choosing life wasn't a mistake. There were still things he couldn't explain, things he didn't want to disclose, couldn't because of the shame or the guilt, but they told him his therapy sessions were over and he'd be seeing more of his counselor Robin, that he was going to have to figure it out eventually, that he didn't need to have all the answers just yet. He wanted to believe them, but the feeling was so belated and it didn't feel true to his gut, but goddamn, he was trying, wasn't he? And that was good. That was good.
The first person to find him was Nami, in the small apartment they shared, she crowded into him on the couch and held him in silence until they fell asleep. He'd spoken to her barely in the past few months, once to say he'd forgiven her and the other, to ask if it was really okay for him to live, and he knew that she loved him insanely and that he was the light in her life and it wasn't fair for her, to live without him. And he understood, in the strange way that only he and Nami would understand, that as fucked up as their lives were they only had each other to count on. Prostituting themselves out to barely get by, getting high on drugs and binge drinking alcohol, living in the murkiest shadiest neighborhoods and barely getting by, at least they had each other to do that. Nami was the only solid thing in is life ever since he can remember, growing up on the streets in this filthy rich country that didn't give a second thought to beggars.
So he kissed her on the forehead when he thought she was sleeping, and apologized so many times his throat hurt, and then he let sleep take him away.
And in the morning, when insistent knocking woke them up, the last person he expected to see on the doorstep was Dr. Trafalgar Law.
x x x
He doesn't ask if he can come in, just barges in like it's his business, his unreadable eyes looking around the room and taking in the narrow space with the cluttered furniture and dirty dishes that needed doing and cracks in the walls and in the foundation and the smell of the sewage from nearby pipes nearly overwhelming, but they'd gotten used to it because it was all they knew. And then he looks at Luffy with eyes that looked angry but weren't, and Luffy thought they could hold lightning at the intensity of it, and Nami excuses herself and goes to the bathroom where they could hear her snorting coke and then Trafalgar Law crosses the space between them until he's standing right next to Luffy, looking down at him and Luffy holds his breath, because Law is so near, too near, and then Law reaches up a hand and brushes a hand down Luffy's cheeks and Luffy closes his eyes and lets the tears fall. And then Law takes Luffy into his arms like he had never been allowed to in the hospital room, and Luffy lets the fears and the worries and the sadness overwhelm him, feels it wash over him so completely he's exhausted and worn out when he's finally stopped shaking from the sobs that wrecked his small frame, and Law is still there holding him so tightly Luffy can't breathe – but he can, he can, because Law has made it easier to and Law smells like hospital and spice and Luffy buries his head further in Law's chest and inhales.
x x x
Law settles into their life slowly, starting from take-out meals on their dirty floor cracking jokes and telling them long stories about the hospital, to getting Nami a job at a nearby cinema working at the counter that pays small but well enough to keep her from going back to prostitution. For Luffy, the reintegration into society takes longer and Law is patient, he just stands and watches Luffy sometimes and Luffy can feel something in his stomach, like a ghost of a longing that was always too fleeting for him to remember to look for it. Law makes sure Luffy goes to therapy, and some days, if the end of his shift coincides with the end of Luffy's therapy sessions, they go to Law's place and curl under the warmer blankets and fall asleep, Law's arms wrapped protectively around Luffy's body and Luffy's back pressed against Law's solid chest. Luffy learns the feel of Law's fingers between his, the smell of Law's neck, the feel of Law's hair against his face, but they never fuck, they don't even kiss, and Luffy is eternally grateful to Law for understanding that the last thing Luffy could do was feel.
Law even starts cleaning up their apartment in his free time, without permission, with a determined air they knew not to argue with, and Luffy could tell Nami was growing increasingly comfortable with this new fixture in their life, even if he kept insisting she stop doing drugs. Nami was only going to try, but Luffy knew it was going to be harder for Nami, and when he felt the tension between the two of them increase, he moved to hold Law's hand and Law understood, and he moved to stand close enough to breath Luffy in, and he calmed down, and they changed the subject and he took them out to dinner and they would have a nice night.
Once, he woke up and Law was watching him, grey eyes warm and open and wanting, and he'd bit his lips and looked away. Luffy could feel a blush coloring his cheeks, and then Law was nuzzling his neck and asking him what he liked, and Luffy couldn't remember what he liked to do before the emptiness took over, so he was silent. He felt Law go still, and knew he'd worried him, and then Luffy had gently sighed and deadpanned that he couldn't remember the last time he did anything for pleasure, and Law had looked at him with eyes that bordered on pity but weren't, and had instead brought Luffy closer to a hug and kissed his forehead – sending shivers down Luffy's spine – and telling him they can figure it out together.
And thus started Law's single minded journey to find something Luffy liked, which included experimental trips to the carnival, going on crazy rides that sent Luffy's heart racing, trying out different kinds of food together, watching series curled up in each other's arms, stolen nights on rooftops they had no right to be on. And Luffy found his heart laughing and his mind easing up with this charming young man who'd come out of the blue and found him interesting, when he'd always been this side of bland, and so when he kissed Law he was surprised by how earnestly and how hungrily Law kissed back, like Luffy was everything he could and had ever wanted, and Luffy had melted into his arms in two heartbeats, his fingers in Law's hair. Law's hands on his cheeks had moved down to his neck, and Luffy had arched his head back to give Law access and Law had left his bruises and marks where Luffy had wanted him, and they'd panted against each other's mouths when they'd run out of breath, too afraid of leaving too much space between them. And Luffy had said that maybe he liked this too, and Law had smiled like the sun had just come out from behind the cloud and Luffy had never noticed how vibrant and beautiful Law truly was until then.
