He chuckles at my response to his suggestion. It was what he predicted – though not what he hoped. He wants nothing more than to be able to kiss me in front of everyone. He tires of being my secret boyfriend. I know I'm lucky that he's been so patient with me. I don't deserve him and I worry about scaring him away – or just pushing him until he loses patience, but he must really love me because he's still here – he's still trying.

I'm afraid that he thinks I'm ashamed of him, because he's a nurse and I'm a doctor – but I'm not. I don't care about that – he is what he is and I wouldn't want to change him for the world. I still feel incredibly guilty about making him 'pretend' he was a doctor at the surgeon's dinner, I don't know why I did that. It wasn't right.

The truth is I want to kiss him in public, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's never been me – but then I've never had anyone who cares about me like he does. I think that's what scares me, because I don't understand how he can feel that way about, - or why. I'm not important. I'm insignificant – a good doctor at times, but nothing else to shout about. Nothing at all.

My Dad didn't care about me – he was more interested in alcohol and my brother has never cared about me either. He's more interested in drugs and I wasn't enough to make my Mum want to live, so why does Jay care so much? It's me I'm ashamed of.

My life has always been dark. I've had dark thoughts and sometimes I've done dark things, but when Jay arrived in the ED, everything lit up. I liked him straight away – and I wanted him to like me, but it never occurred to me that he would. I'm not a nice person and I don't deserve a man like him.

When he agreed to accompany me to the surgeon's dinner, I honestly believed he was doing it for the money – not because that's the kind of man he is – he's not. If anything he's the opposite. I felt that it was the kind of behaviour I deserve. I didn't believe that I deserved his time and I still don't really understand why he thinks I do. When he gave me the money back, I felt awful, because I realised how it looked to him – how it made him feel. How hurt he was.

When we spent the night together after the surgeon's dinner, I thought he was being 'over-zealous' in his duties – or that he was just giving me what I wanted. I never wanted to hurt Jay. I can understand why he was angry – he had every right. I can understand why he wanted to wash his hands of me. I can't blame him, but when he said he wanted nothing else to do with me, the clouds just came over. The light had disappeared and I panicked.

Jay helped me again, but after I lost the rotation, I found out that he had been told about my suicide attempt and was clearly worried that I was going to try again. I didn't want his pity. I wanted him. It wasn't until he said that he'd watched me sleep that I realised how he felt. It was the way he said it – the way he looked at me when he said it. I knew, beyond all doubt that he loved me as I loved him – but I didn't understand why. That's why I yelled at him to 'get out'.

I knew Jay was worried about me as I sat on my own that evening and I could feel the dark thoughts overtaking me. He was right – I didn't want to be alone. He's my light and I need him. Without Jay, the darkness takes over, so I turned up at his door. He looked so relieved to see me. I wasn't ready to admit how right he was – at least not with words, so I claimed I was there to keep him from staying up all night worrying. It was kind of true – he probably wouldn't have slept for worrying about me. I've got a feeling he stayed up half the night watching me sleep anyway, but his arms are warm and he was happy knowing that I was safe. I felt safe with him and I probably wouldn't have slept without him there either – it's the security I've always longed for. Just me and Jay. I feel like I can achieve anything when I'm with him. Almost anything.

I'm too ashamed of the person I am, to publicly acknowledge our relationship. Even after we spend another night together, I make him hide behind a bush and insist we go into the ED separately. He can't seem to take his eyes off me though, in the department and the paranoia makes me flip when he brings me a cup of tea. It's silly really – he was just being caring.

So when I rebuff his suggestion in the pub, and then respond to his next comment with "Who says you're being invited to my flat.", I wish more than anything that I could just forget my feelings of not being good enough for him and kiss him the way he wants me to – the way I want to.

Jay knows what I am – how I am and for some reason, he loves me anyway, so instead, he holds out his hand against my knee, under the table and away from prying eyes. His own eyes have a pleading look in them. I give him a nervous smile and put my hand in his – silently telling him that I want this. I want him. I love him. He strokes my hand with his thumb. It feels nice and we sit like that for a while – undisturbed, while he drinks his lager.

Then Toby arrives and Jay moves to sit with him and the F2s. My hand feels cold now that his is gone. I really want him to come home with me to my flat. The thought of going back without him seems so cold and empty, but he's got better things to do now – and better company, so I sigh and pick up my bag, before leaving the pub, alone and dejected.

Jay chases after me. "Hey, wait for me!"

"You've got better things to do. Don't let me stop you." I comment, trying to sound like I'm not really devastated that he'd rather be somewhere else.

"What I want to do, Dr Winters, is spend the evening with my girlfriend." He answers, leaning down and gently kissing my neck. The sensation makes me shudder every time."Hey, don't worry babe – there's no one here." He chuckles as I glance around nervously.

"Ok, come on then." I say, taking his hand. As he said, there is no one about, so we go home together again.

I could get used to this.