I used to think that maybe it was the little things I liked; maybe I liked how you ruffled your hair, or I liked the way you talked; maybe I liked that I thought I was just lusting over you?
Now I know that it's definitely you. It's definitely the little things, like the smirk you give, and the clothes you wear, and the way you touch my hand. But I'm sure it's the big things; like how you're kind and loyal, how you know I'm frightened and just need you near, how you say exactly what I want to hear; the whisperings in my ear.
I know I'm definitely head over heels. I know I should tell you how I feel. I'm definitely in love.
There's just one thing I don't know definitely.
What if you don't feel the same? What if I'm making up that you care for me? What if I'm making up all of the inside jokes, the coy smiles, the chocolate and the coffee? What if I'm making up that there's a connection between us? What if you don't care for me the way I think you do and it's all just a trick of the mind? There's no spark between us, it's a lie. You definitely don't feel anything. You don't. I'm an idiot for thinking so. I shouldn't tell you.
I've made up my mind. I know it's you, I've realised I'm insane for believing that I could ignore my feelings. I know I should definitely tell you. I'm going to do it. I've made up my mind. Why deny it? It's true. It's you. You're the one. I should tell you.
I'll say how much I love the way your tongue pokes between your teeth when you're really concentrating. I'll say I love how you give death grip hugs after an anomaly, how I love that I know it's you coming down the halls because of the clicking of your shoes. I'll say I'm mad about your smile and your eyes, about your nose and your toes, about your arms and legs.
I'll say that I want to spend my nights with you wrapped around me and me around you, that I want to wake up every morning next to you. I'll say I'm in love with you, that I don't ever want to lose you.
That's it. That's what I'll say. I'm sure it's you. It's definitely you. Now's my chance, all I have to do is say it.
"Hey Becker, can you sign this form for me?" you look up at me from under your lashes and your shy smile drives me forward. I'm going to say it.
"Sure, Jess," I smile back as I sign and you take the forms. I watch as your hips sway as you walk down the hall. Why didn't I say it? I need to say it, I should say it.
"Jess!" I yell and I watch you jump. I run towards you, "I forgot...are you free tonight? I'd like to take you out to dinner...on a date?" I'm panicking. I can feel myself starting to sweat, my heart is pounding in my chest; so loud I'm sure you can hear it. Oh shit, what if I was wrong, why didn't I say all of those things I planned to? Then I look at your face, and your smile is wider than I've ever seen, and your cheeks are pink. I know my face is showing fear. Oh please say something.
I should have told you, but I didn't have to.
"I'd love to!" and your grin makes it all worth it. I'm sure mine is exactly the same.
I'm glad you said it.
God I'm glad I said it.
