The first time that Serena expected to hear from Bernie was the evening of their very public row. She had been so embarrassed to do that in front of the staff, as it was so unprofessional, but she had been desperate to make Bernie see that she was supposed to stay with her, in Holby, taking steps forward on this journey.
Instead, Bernie had torn herself away and rushed from the hospital, unable to even look at her. And that had been the thing that had cut Serena to the core. After she had put all her feelings out in the open, after she had given Bernie the means to eviscerate her, she still hadn't expected to have exactly that happen.
Raf had been there, like the knight in shining armor he was, and had kept the wolves at bay whilst she had tried not to have a complete breakdown in her office. And then, he had popped into her office, offering her a cup of coffee and an apple. "You need to eat, Serena. Don't forget to take care of yourself, even when you're hurting. We need you more than ever on AAU." Setting the peace offering on her desk, he reached out and rubbed her shoulder affectionately, and she, much to her consternation, had leaned into the touch, needing the comfort of that moment.
"She's going to Kiev. I asked her not to leave. I told her I didn't want her to leave, but she chose to run. Why was I so stupid?"
"Because love makes us do stupid things. I know you probably don't want to hear this bit of advice right now, but if I were you, I'd go after her, one last time. Try and talk to her."
Serena sighed as she picked up her cup, bringing it to her lips as she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.
"And allow her to thresh my heart even more?"
"At least then you'd know where you stood with her. And if she'd be worth waiting for."
That sentence took her aback, as she hadn't given thought to that. Giving him a wide eyed look, Serena knew that she was close to crying once more. Raf's head tilted to one side as he turned his lips down.
"She's worth everything in this world," she whispered, unable to stop the words tumbling from her lips. "Oh, go on and leave this pitiful old woman to her misery. You don't need to wallow with me."
"You are hardly elderly, Serena. Especially around Bernie. Chin up, then, and go to her. Find the closure that you need before she heads off to Kiev for however long she's assigned there."
Serena nodded before taking a long drag on her coffee, watching him leave. There was some truth to his words, she did need to find some closure or else walk around with an open wound until the New Year. And that wouldn't do at all. Rubbing the apple against her blouse, Serena took a large bite, remembering the last time she had seen an apple. "Are memories of Bernie going to assail me at every turn?" she asked angrily to herself before she took another large bite of the fruit, devouring it quickly.
Her mind made up, Serena packed her bag up before stalking from her office and making her way out to her car. It was hard to ignore the people whispering about her, but she did her best, fixing a flat stare on her face as she strode out of the hospital. A tiny part of her hoped to still see Bernie's convertible parked close to hers, because she was nothing if not a hopeless romantic, but those hopes were quickly dashed. Shaking her head, she slipped behind the wheel of her car and pulled out of her spot, merging into traffic as she guided her car to Bernie's flat.
The long drive did little to settle her feelings, and she found that she had started crying once more by the time she turned into the drive. Bernie's car was parked beneath a cherry tree, and Serena fought the urge to park next to her, not wanting to be too obvious. And still, she sat behind the wheel of her car for five long minutes, trying to gather up the courage to approach Bernie's door and knock. The sun started setting rapidly, the warm colors of dusk spreading across the building, and that was what finally galvanized her into moving.
Getting out of her car, Serena drew the halves of her jacket closed around her chest, finding herself cold to the bone. She knew, instinctively, that it was a nervous reaction, but that didn't mean it felt any less real to her, and she shivered all the way up to the doorstep. She drew in a deep breath as she raised her hand to press the buzzer, hundreds of thoughts racing through her mind as she anticipated being able to come in, to talk to Bernie, to reason with her, and convince her that the last thing in the world she wanted was for her to run away to Kiev and be apart from her.
Serena listened to the noise of the buzzer as she pressed it, and her heart began skipping beats as she waited for Bernie to answer her. Still, her toe began to tap anxiously as she waited for the sound of the door unlocking, letting her in so that she could head up. When three minutes had passed, and there still was not the accompanying reaction, she sighed a little and shook her head.
"Maybe she fell asleep and didn't hear the buzzer," she whispered as she reached out and pressed the button once more. This time her heart began to hammer in her chest as she waited, and a part of her worried that she wouldn't be received.
Five minutes went by that time with no response, and it was then that Serena knew she was deliberately being ignored. That feeling hurt more than anything she had ever experienced, even when she had broken things off with her last partner.
"You stupid, stupid, woman," she muttered as she turned on her heel, not knowing at that point if she was addressing herself or Bernie. Maybe that didn't matter, maybe they were both stupid, and she stumbled back to her car as the too present tears began to slip down her cheeks, clouding her vision.
Before she got into the vehicle, she looked up at the window she knew to be Bernie's and caught a faint flutter of curtains. Staring for a beat longer than necessary, Serena was treated with the glimpse of one beautiful hand pressed to the glass, as if reaching out for her. It was too little, too late, however, and she shook her head slowly as her face crumbled into sorrow. Turning from the sight, she got behind the wheel and started the car, pulling out into the early dusk and driving away from the person that was currently holding the other half of her heart hostage.
