Cammie's P.O.V
It was just after Thanksgiving, yeah, it was black Friday day, and I was in Nevada with my mom, Mr. Soloman and my grandparents. No, Zach wasn't with us, sadly. Last year Zach came with us, but he couldn't this year. He was...busy. He and I are still dating, but right after we graduated from Gallagher (technically) last year, Zach joined the U.S. Marines. I hadn't seen since a week after we graduated when I was crying, saying good bye.
The last words of his he said to me "Don't say goodbye Cam, say farewell. Goodbye means we'll never see each other again. Farewell means see you again" then he gave he a hard, love-filled kiss. While we were kissing my tears were running down his cheeks and his tears were running down my cheeks. Then he left in the car waiting outside the Gallagher Academy.
I was just so sad because I don't have Zach to be with and to share joy and happiness with. Every year after I first met Zach, he would tag along when my mom and I when we went to Nevada, to go to my grandparents for Thanksgiving and a few days after. The few days we would stay after Thanksgiving we would take all the fall decorations down and get our Christmas decorations up. Zach loved to help. He never really celebrated Christmas with his mom when he was younger. But when Zach was with my family helping my mom put the ornaments near the top on the tree, or helping my grandfather put the wreaths and lights up outside, or helping my grandmother in the kitchen – there always was a light that would glow in his eyes. He was always really happy. I was the only one that could bring that light into his eyes if we were anywhere else other then my grandparents' house.
But this year, house has lost its happiness. My family is sticking to the tradition of getting the house decorated for Christmas, but it just seems to be lacking the happiness.
I'm sitting, all curled up in a comfy chair in the corner on the living room looking through my music on my iPhone. I have my ear-buds in and as I hit shuffle a Christmas themed song comes on, Christmas When You Were Mine by Taylor Swift. It basically tells my life story right now. I let it play on repeat for the rest of the few days that I'm going to be in Nevada until my mom needs to go back to The Gallagher Academy.
Please take down the mistletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell
My grandfather put up mistletoe, like he does every year, he grabs my grandmother and gives her a kiss. My mom puts her hands to her hear and smiles at them. My heart breaks a little, wishing that was Zach kissing me. I really wish we could take that down. I know I shouldn't think about him like that at this time, but my heart aches not knowing is he is safe every day. I hate not knowing that he may not be waking up every morning like I am. I really hate knowing that he is so far away, I cant just walk into the other room and wrap my arms around him, even though I wish to.
I look away from my grandparents, they're holding each other and smiling. I wish I was that happy. I look out the window next to me as I turn a bit in my little chair, there is a nice layer of snow covering the small town my grandparents live in. I look back at my grandparents, they've broken apart, my grandfather is walking away to the garage door, smiling. My grandmother and my mom are talking quietly in the open kitchen. They both look over at me with concern in their eyes. I can't take their sappy sympathy, so I quickly get up from my cozy chair and walk out of the open living room/kitchen and to the closet where my jacket and bearpaw, fake uggs were. As I slip on the tan faux uggs and grab my black northface I think of my mother in the kitchen worrying about me and how I'm acting without Zach. Putting the northface on it almost brings tears to my eyes. It was never mine, Zach gave it to me when we went to watch the football game of the colleges University of Alabama and Auburn University a while ago and I got cold sitting in the stands so Zach took off his jacket and gave it to me. Its been mine ever since. After my memory flashback, I zip up the coat and head out the door. I walk into the main part of the small, quint town my grandparents live in. I stop in a little shop called 'Mars', basically its a mini Wal-Mart but a lot nicer. I go to the office/school supply section and buy some loose leaf paper with a cute Christmas border. I pay my three dollars and fifty cents and head to the small Starbucks next door. Yes, even a small town like this has a Starbucks. I order a small pumpkin spice latte and I sat down at one of the tables there. I opened the pack of the new paper I bought and found a pen in my right jacket pocket and I started writing.
"Dear Zach,
I don't know where you are, and I don't know if you'll get this in time, but I just want to let you know I'm doing fine. Really I am. If you were wondering
My grandmother even baked a pumpkin pie. I don't know why. I guess she had just gotten used to it,
We all miss you, you know. My grandmother, grandfather, my mom, even Mr. Solomon. He came along with my mom this year. But most importantly I miss you Zach.
How much longer is this going to be?
It's really hard…for me and I know it's hard for you too
I'll miss you at Christmas
Marry Christmas
With love,
Gallagher Girl"
As soon as I stopped writing I folded up the note and put it in my pocket along with my pen. I grabbed my packet of paper in one hand and my still-warm latte in the other and left the building with tears threatening to spill. I didn't want people to see me like this, especially in a small everybody-knows-everybody town.
I was outside in the snow, it started snowing when I was in Starbucks. As I walked down the streets all I was was happy people. No one around me shared my pain right now. No body else really thought about having your loved one out fighting somewhere miles away while everyone else around you was all happy and all they thought about was what was in the glittery wrapped cardboard boxes?!
I found a slightly snow covered bench right out of the main part of town. I sat down and pulled out my note I had written to Zach. It was wet, with my tears. By the time Zach gets it, it will be dry and the paper with be wrinkled in spots. I folded the note back up after I had read through it several times and it went back in my pocket. I sat on the bench or a minute, feeling the cold snow seep through my jeggins. Then I just broke down. I was balling. After quite some time I felt a light touch of a hand on my back I turned around hoping Zach came to surprise me, and I saw no one. I need to stop getting my hopes up. I mean, I'm sure Zach doesn't have nights where he couldn't fall asleep because he was thinking of me and how much he missed me.
After a bit of calming down, I collected myself enough to go back into the main part of town, and I went to the post office. I bought a stamp and an envelope, quickly wrote down Zach's post box address and sent the note off in it's sealed envelope. I tucked the packet of new Christmas-y paper under my arm, took a sip of my latte and walked out.
As I stood outside, feeling lost I went back to Mars and bought a picture frame. I then went to a jewelry store across the street and bought a nice expensive men's watch.
I must have looked like a flustered young girl when I walked into the jewelry store!
After my shopping experience I took a slow, cold, heart-breaking walk home. Knowing my mother was in the kitchen with my grandmother worrying about me, I didn't even bother to go to the closet to out my jacket and shoes away. I avoided the kitchen and made my way to the back set (they're near the back of my house) of stairs and went up to my room.
For the rest of the evening, I slowly wrapped Zach's Christmas gifts. I also put a picture of our first kiss in the picture frame and wrapped that as well. After I finished I sat on my bed, just thinking. Thinking about how Zach rarely writes me back, thinking how I can never tell his emotions. I was thinking about how I can never hear the sound of his voice through a letter. Thinking about his like this makes me miss him even more. I get a shiver and I wrap Zach's Northface around me even more then before. It still faintly smells like him.
Oh how I wish he was here.
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine
I pull out my iPhone again and start listening to my music again and the Taylor Swift Christmas song I was listening to before. Another, brief line in the songs comes up and it really hits me hard again. Taylor Swift was singing about how Christmas time shouldn't ever be a lonely time in someones life, but I have an empty feeling in the bottom of my heart. Zach isn't here, and everyone else around is happy with someone else and I have no one to cope to or anyone to just be with. Everyone else has their significant other, but I don't. And the song is right, there was other Christmases when he was mine. I remember how we'd cuddle on the couch and use each other to stay warm with love. But ever since Zach left for the Marines...we haven't spent any Christmases together. We don't write to eath other anymore, I just miss him and I still have the jealously worry of her found another girl while out and away from Virginia. I just want his arms wrapped around me, I just want to feel his warmth from his chest on my back when we stand together looking out at the falling snow. I want to feel the cold window glass on my hands while Zach leaves light kisses on my neck saying 'Merry Christmas' in-between each kiss.
I just want Zach.
