Joker's Wild
"Fifteen seconds until the bomb goes off, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley Quinn, gazing at clock in terror. "We're gonna die!"
The Joker was staring in panic at the series of wires in front of him. "I…I dunno which one to cut, Harley!" he exclaimed. "If I pick the wrong one, we're gonna be blown to smithereens!"
"We're gonna be blown to smithereens anyway in ten seconds!" cried Harley. "Unless a miracle happens!"
At that moment, the door was kicked down and a figure stood in the doorway. "Batsy?" gasped Joker.
"Better," said Jonathan Crane, striding confidently forward. "I'll take those, thank you, Joker," he said, grabbing the wire cutters from him.
"Hurry up, Johnny, you only have five seconds!" shrieked Harley.
"Calm yourself, my dear," he said, bringing the pliers to the red wire and cutting it. The clock immediately stopped counting down, and both Joker and Harley let out a sigh of relief.
"Johnny, you…you saved our lives!" gasped Joker. "How can I ever repay you?"
"I want you to leave Gotham and never come back," said Crane.
Joker nodded. "You got it!" he said, racing out the door. Crane turned to face Harley, who was gazing at him in adoration.
"Oh, Johnny!" she gasped. "You're incredible!"
He approached her, grabbing her firmly around the waist and bending her over backward as he pressed his lips onto hers in a passionate kiss…
And that's when Jonathan Crane woke up, to Harley's shrieks of pleasure from the the nearby cell. "Oh yes, Mr. J! Oh God, puddin'! Oh, you're incredible!"
He groaned, sitting up in annoyance and rubbing his eyes. "Good morning, Jonathan!" said Jervis Tetch cheerfully from the neighboring cell. "Pleasant dreams?"
"It was," agreed Crane, taking the cup of tea from his friend between the bars of their cells. "But then you have to wake up to a reality not nearly so pleasant."
"Well, they'll probably be finished soon," said Tetch, checking his watch. "And guess what arrived this morning?" he exclaimed, disappearing into a corner of his cell and reappearing a moment later holding up a record. "My 1966 recording of The Mikado performed by the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company!"
"With John Reed as Ko-Ko?" asked Crane, excitedly.
"The very same," said Tetch, beaming.
"That's splendid!" he cried. "We must listen to it first thing after breakfast!"
He took a deep gulp of tea. "Oh Jervis, you must never cure yourself!" he said, happily. "It would be absolutely unbearable in Arkham if you weren't here."
"Well, no chance of that," said Tetch, smiling. "I daresay we are both as incurable as the Joker."
"As long as that's the only thing I share with the Joker, I'm satisfied," retorted Crane.
"Oh, puddin'! Yes! Oh God, yes!" shrieked Harley.
"Or…perhaps not quite satisfied," muttered Crane.
"Puddin', harder! Oh, Mr. J! That's it! That's so good! Oh, pudd..."
A car door slammed outside suddenly. "They're here!" shouted Joker, and they heard Harley shriek, and then a thud as she fell to the ground. An instant later, Joker raced out of the cell.
"Woah, too slow there, Johnny!" he shouted, shoving Crane out of the way as he dashed down the hall ahead of him. "One side there, Harv!" Joker shouted, catching up to Two-Face and knocking him out of the way. "Just you and me now, Pammie!" he chuckled, as he ran head to head against Poison Ivy.
"There is no way I'm letting you win!" hissed Ivy, picking up the pace. "No way!"
"Aw, life's full of disappointment, Pammie!" chuckled Joker. "Get used to it!"
He shot out a foot, tripping her up. Ivy shrieked as she hit the ground. "You cheating bastard!" she cried, shaking her fist after him.
"All's fair in love and war, Pammie!" giggled Joker. "And Donut Day definitely falls under the heading of love!"
He burst open the doors to the cafeteria, grabbing a plate and promptly holding it out to Dr. Leland. "Sprinkles for me, thanks, Doc."
"This is a new record time for you, isn't it, Joker?" asked Dr. Leland dryly, opening the box and handing him a donut.
Joker shrugged. "I dunno, Doc – I don't keep track. This isn't a competition, after all."
"Pamela, what happened to your leg?" asked Dr. Leland, as Poison Ivy stumbled into the room, being supported by Two-Face.
"J happened," she growled, glaring at him. "There are enough donuts for everyone, you moron! You don't have to get here first!"
"You're just jealous that you didn't win," sniffed Joker, eagerly devouring his first donut and holding out his plate for more.
"Where's Harley this morning?" asked Dr. Leland, looking around. "Isn't she usually with you?"
"Yeah, she was," he agreed. "But when I heard the donuts arrive, I shoved her off the bed and stepped on her foot so she couldn't follow me. Couldn't have her dead weight clinging to me and weighing me down – I'd have lost the race!"
"I thought you said this wasn't a competition," said Dr. Leland, dryly.
"It ain't," he retorted. "But I'm not about to let those losers win it, am I?"
Tetch entered the room a moment later, followed by Crane, who was carrying Harley tenderly in his arms. "Mr. J, I know you love your donuts, but can you at least finish what you start?" she asked, angrily.
"I always do, Harley girl!" he giggled, devouring his second donut. "Jelly one this time, please, Doc," he said, holding out his plate for another.
"Wait until everyone else has got one, jerk," muttered Ivy, shoving in front of him. "These are made from artificial flour, right, Dr. Leland?"
"Yes, Pamela," sighed Dr. Leland. "Do you think I want another riot on my hands?"
"Thanks for carrying me, Johnny – you're sweet," said Harley, beaming as Crane deposited her in the donut line. She kissed his cheek, and then hobbled over to the Joker, throwing her arms around his neck and leaning against him.
"No…no problem...at all, uh…Harley," stammered Crane awkwardly after her. He gazed in a mixture of anger and bewilderment as Harley cooed over the Joker, feeding him pieces of her donut.
"What on earth does she possibly see in that abusive bully?" he growled as Tetch handed him a donut.
"Best not to ask questions like that – they don't have straightforward answers," retorted Tetch. "And it's not the type of nonsense I like to discuss. Come on, let's go put on The Mikado. That'll cheer you up!"
It was true that a 19th-century satirical operetta was usually the type of thing to cheer Crane up. But there were some things Gilbert and Sullivan couldn't remedy, no matter how sharp their satire. Crane was still brooding on Harley's mad infatuation when the door to the Rec Room opened and Edward Nygma strode in.
"Ah, riddle me this, Eddie!" chucked Joker, glancing up from the TV. "What are you doing back in this dump?"
"The answer to that is simple, Joker," retorted Nygma. "What's got a cape, a cowl, and a brain the size of a peanut?"
"No, you answer my riddle first!" snapped Joker.
"Actually, mine was a rhetorical question," said Nygma.
"Is the answer a helicopter?" asked Joker.
"It's Batman!" snapped Nygma. "Batman brought me back, obviously, you uneducated dullard!"
"Geez, Eddie, you don't have to be so touchy," said Joker, shrugging and returning his attention back to the TV. "And if you're gonna tell riddles, you shouldn't give away the answer. It totally ruins the fun."
Nygma growled, heading over to where Tetch and Crane were seated in the corner. "Welcome back, Edward!" said Tetch. "We're just listening to The Mikado if you'd like to join us. We're not very far in – just at 'Three Little Maids.'"
"Hey, that's a perfect name for you three!" giggled Joker. "I'm gonna call you that from now on!"
"Oh, for God's sake, Joker!" snapped Crane. "How do you know none of us has ever had a woman?"
"Have you?" asked Joker.
"No, but that's besides the point," growled Crane. "You presume far too much about our personal lives…"
"You wouldn't be so touchy about it if it weren't true," interrupted Joker. "And that's what makes a good joke, moron! Don't you know anything?"
"I am not a moron!" shouted Crane. "I'm Batman's most intelligent rival!"
"Well, let's not make that into a contest, Jonathan," snorted Nygma. "Because we all know that obviously I'm Batman's most intelligent rival."
"I would contest that," muttered Tetch.
"Let's prove it, right now!" snapped Crane. "I'm getting the IQ tests!"
He headed over to the shelves, selecting the Trivial Pursuit game box and opening it. He pulled out several thick packets of paper, and brought them over to Nygma and Tetch. "Let's determine who's the most intelligent person in here once and for all," he growled. "We have twenty minutes from when I start the timer."
"Can I play?" asked Joker.
"It's not a game, Joker," retorted Nygma. "It's a carefully constructed standardized test to determine your intelligence quotient."
"Fine, if you're gonna be snobbish about your little game, we're all gonna play a game over here without you guys!" sniffed Joker. "Let's play 'Who Would You Do?' And the answer is obviously not any of those nerds," he chuckled.
"I've had sex with a woman," spoke up Nygma.
"Oh, you have not, Edward," retorted Tetch.
"No," agreed Nygma. "But I've seen a woman naked."
"Shut up, Edward, no, you haven't," growled Crane.
"I have!" he insisted. "And if you're so desperate, Jonathan, why don't you just sneak into that room next to the showers when the ladies are in there? There's a hole in the wall about halfway down. That's what I do. Uh…would do," he corrected, hastily.
"That's disgusting," said Tetch.
"Well, at least I've seen a naked woman now!" snapped Nygma. "More than you have, Jervis!"
"I'm starting the timer now!" announced Crane.
"All right, guys, who would you do in here?" asked Joker loudly. "What about you, Harley?"
"You, puddin'," she purred. "Only you."
"Harley, the point of the game is to name someone you're not actually doing!" snapped Joker. "Play it right!"
"Uh…ok, puddin'," she said, looking around. "Uh…I guess…Johnny?"
Crane was about to press the timer, but stopped with his finger halfway to the button. "Excuse me," he said, standing up suddenly and heading over to where Joker and Harley sat on the sofa.
"Ah, that's my Harley girl!" chuckled Joker, patting her on the back. "Giving the poor guy a sympathy vote! What about you, Pammie? Who would you do?"
"Not you," she retorted, keeping her eyes fixed on her magazine.
"Ok, but the game's called 'Who Would You Do,' Pammie, not 'Who Would You Not Do'," retorted Joker. "So who would you do?"
Ivy sighed, looking up from her magazine. "Harvey," she snapped.
"Again, someone you're not already doing," he retorted.
She sighed heavily, looking around again. "Harley," she said, looking back down at the magazine. "No offense to the other guys in here."
"That's pretty offensive – you'd change your sexual preferences before you'd sleep with 'em!" chuckled Joker. "What about you, Harvey? Who would you do?"
"Harley," agreed Two-Face, not looking up from his book.
"Johnny, who would you do?" asked Joker, grinning at him.
"Uh…um…well, naturally, in a purely hypothetical situation, it would have to be…uh…Harley," he stammered, gazing at her.
"That's three votes for you, pooh!" giggled Joker, kissing her. "Guess they're all jealous of me!"
"It's really flattering, Mr. J, I ain't gonna lie," said Harley. "Thanks, Johnny," she said, grinning at him.
"Loser!" exclaimed Joker, putting his finger and thumb to his forehead. "Loser, loser, loser!"
"What about you, Joker?" asked Crane. "Who would you do?"
"What, in here?" asked Joker. "Gotta be Pammie. Plus she secretly wants me, and I aim to please."
"In your dreams," muttered Ivy.
"Outta here, it's gotta be Bats," Joker continued. "Just to say I have, y'know? Plus it's what the fangirls have been craving for years."
"What fangirls?" asked Crane.
"My fangirls," he retorted. "Some of us have 'em, Johnny, and some of us don't," he giggled. "Loser!" he repeated.
"Jonathan, come back here so we can begin the test," said Tetch.
Crane stormed back over to them, fuming. "Oh, actually Joker, I did have some news for you," said Nygma, lightly. "I heard a rumor when I was out that they're going to demolish your little casino."
"What casino?" asked Joker, puzzled.
"You must remember this, J – even I remember this," said Ivy, looking up from her magazine. "I was sitting right next to you when it was announced. This guy built a casino called Joker's Wild using your image, and you were gonna sue him, and then kill him, but instead you broke outta here and tried to blow it up, but Batman stopped you?"
"Oh yeah – that vaguely rings a bell," said Joker, nodding.
"Anyway, the building's been abandoned since then, but they want to redevelop the property now – turn it into some sort of strip mall," continued Nygma. "So it's gonna be demolished."
"That's kinda a shame," said Joker, thoughtfully. "Seems like a missed business opportunity on my part. I mean, there's already a casino built in my image – there's no reason why I shouldn't take it over."
"What, you run a casino?" asked Ivy. "Like a legitimate businessman?"
"Oh please, Pammie, casino owners aren't legitimate businessmen!" chuckled Joker. "They're big crooks, just like I am! Taking advantage of people's addictions in order to make a profit. It's actually…fiendishly clever. I'll do it!" he exclaimed, standing up suddenly. "I'm going to reopen Joker's Wild under new management - Joker's management!"
"How are you going to do that stuck in here?" demanded Ivy. "Plus the moment the Bat hears about this, he's gonna beat the crap outta you and drag you back here!"
"Oh Pammie, you're so close-minded!" sighed Joker. "Haven't you ever heard of bribery? It's how Penguin went straight – pay off a couple of elected officials and the cops, and they leave you alone. And Batman can't touch him now. I can make good just like he did, and wouldn't that be a great joke? Batsy knowing I'm doing wrong but not being able to lay a finger on me! Oh, it's brilliant!" he giggled. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this earlier!"
"Can I be a part of the casino, Mr. J?" asked Harley, hopefully.
"Of course you can, pumpkin pie!" he exclaimed. "You can be my secretary!"
"Secretary?" said Harley, wrinkling her nose. "I was hoping for something a little more glamorous."
"Like what, topless dancer?" asked Joker. "Nobody would pay to see that, Harley! Pammie, on the other hand…Pammie, you wanna be a topless dancer at my casino?" he asked.
"Wow, y'know, J, as much as it would fulfill a lifelong dream of mine to be nothing but a mindless piece of meat to serve the lusts of men, I'm gonna have to refuse you," retorted Ivy, sarcastically.
"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, most guys have seen it all anyway!" chuckled Joker. "I mean, even Eddie spies on you in the shower."
Ivy's eyes narrowed. "What?" she demanded, glaring over at Nygma.
"I…I don't," stammered Nygma. "I…don't do that."
"You sick little creep!" shrieked Ivy, jumping to her feet and racing over to attack Nygma. She was beaten to the punch by Two-Face, who struck him a blow that sent him flying. As Ivy and Two-Face started beating Nygma mercilessly, and Tetch and Crane rushed to try to pull them away, the guards hurried in to break up the fight. And they were so distracted by that task that they didn't see Joker and Harley quietly and carefully sneaking out of the window to freedom.
