I heard a slight cough from behind me, disturbing me from the datapad I was reading. I turned, surprised by the noise. It was Shepard, standing with his head high and his feet shoulder width apart, hands clasped crisply behind his back. I felt my breath catch in my throat and I moved to embrace him but my body held fast.
Shepard looked exactly like he did that first day when Anderson introduced him to the crew. Hair efficiently short, piercing blue eyes, and slight stubble lining his jaw. Everything was just how I remembered, even down to his characteristic grimace, like everything he witnessed irritated him. I hated that arrogant look with a passion but seeing it again in front of me... I didn't...
I opened my mouth to whisper his name but no sound escaped. I felt like water was filling my throat and everything around me.
Before my eyes I watched as Shepard's expression slowly morphed into a grimace. It was like time stopped, everything stopped but him. Glowing threads crisscrossed across his cheek and forehead before turning jagged and spiderwebing together. His face became more sullen and his eyes, those icy blue eyes, began to glow a fierce red. The last Shepard I ever saw, terrifying but charismatic.
His lips parted and in a gentle exhale I heard those words, those last words he ever spoke to me. But they were distorted, morphed into the screech of a banshee. I was soundlessly drowning.
You better be there when I come back.
I gasped, jumping in my harness, a choking sound escaping my throat. The noise caught Vega's attention and he looked over from where he was seated in the Kodiak. His face was full of sympathy and it made me swallow hard. My jaw locked and I looked down at my clasped hands, gauntlets still on. I watched as a tear fell from my face and landed on the seat between my legs, soaking into the fabric.
So that's why my throat was so tight.
The last few days I'd been running on a few hours of sleep, and that was if I was lucky. I shouldn't even be on this mission in my sleep-deprived state. Liara and James knew that, hell, I knew that, but nobody had the heart to speak up. If Dr. Chakwas was here she would have, no problem locking me in the med-bay until she was otherwise satisfied, no second thoughts. But Dr. Chakwas was stationed where she was needed most, at the refuge in California where more wounded piled in by the hour.
It had only been three days since Shepard... gave his life to defeat the Reapers. Three days, which have felt like a lifetime or two. Every hour was utter chaos. A flurry of soldiers, civilians, anyone able to carry themselves, searching through the rubble and tending to the wounded. Humanity was trying to get its bearings, to get back on it's feet. The burden was on everyone, not just me.
I could see it in Liara's eyes as she gazed blankly at the wall, one hand holding onto the handle above her head. I could see it in James' restless hands, the way he cleaned and checked every single gun before repeating the process again.
His usual light banter seemed to have died with Shepard.
The data pad I'd been holding had dropped when I dozed off and was still on the floor. I stooped and swiped it up, pulling myself together. Reviewing the mission intel... that was something productive I could get lost in. Despite myself, I smiled softly at the flashbacks the thought brought on.
Shepard would always bury himself in any intel he could find, just to take off the pressure of defeating the reapers for a few moments. I scoured through the data for different reasons, but it was the same at the core.
The data pad beeped, informing me of a priority alert. There were two. The first, an update on our current mission. A few mercenaries had hijacked a medical supply shipment intended for a nearby medical facility in Las Vegas. The Normandy was the nearest military ship, so Cortez took us out in the Kodiak.
The update had the most recent coordinates, which I forwarded to Cortez. The second alert informed me that my flagged dossiers had been recently updated. I scrolled through the list. Jayden Blight, one of my biotic students was no longer MIA.
Jayden was not the first confirmed death, and he was most certainly not the last. The pain I felt in my chest from those few words of text was so dull that I could almost ignore it. I had an urge to laugh but it faded as soon as it had appeared. At this rate, when that final name on the list was confirmed I would no longer be a man, just a body with a pumping heart.
My eyes flirted down the list although I knew nothing would be different. I shook my head as my thoughts were confirmed. Hope is a funny thing, funny in a sad way. A pathetic way. Every second on the Normandy it eats us away, every single one of us.
Joker was the worst at hiding it. Every time his eyes met mine I'd feel myself want to believe. I'd feel my heart swell for only a second before the Citadel explodes behind my eyelids again.
I'm in London, gazing deliriously up at the sky. All around me, soldiers are cheering and screaming, celebrating with tears in their eyes. They're like white noise in my ears. My head pounds familiarly, steady with my heartbeat. A side effect of my L2 implant, a good friend. I'm still watching the skies, although my heart screams for me to look away. I want to look away but I know I can't. Pieces of the Citadel are still raining down and burning up in the atmosphere. They leave soft orange trails, like shooting stars, like the scars that map John's face. The face of my nightmares.
I could hear his voice as I watched the sky that night. You better be there when I come back. I hear it every time I see the stars, every time I close my eyes.
...And there it was.
John Shepard, MIA.
The data pad said it all. What did I expect? I could get frustrated like the first time I lost Shepard. I could drink myself numb. I could curse the world and it's unfairness, curse everyone, everything that ever stole time from him, from us. I could curse the Creator for taking him away from me.
There's something about the second time though. Maybe it's the fact that the world is hurting just as much as I am, or maybe it's deeper than that. Maybe I've finally realized that Shepard was never actually mine. I don't know where this sliver of wisdom came from. I can almost imagine what Shepard would say if I told him my thoughts. He'd say its the white hair I'm getting. I know that if he were here, with his crew, he would understand, regardless of his arrogant and shallow attitude.
It's the way everyone holds silence when we are seen off the Normandy. Everyone stops what they are doing, stands at attention, and breathes not a word. Not just the Alliance, every being we come across. And that sound of silence, it's so pure, so beautiful.
There are no words to express what Shepard has done for us, all of us. His sacrifice, his struggle, his pain. In the end, it broke the man. No, even before the end. But what Shepard took on had to be done and it was too much for any soul, even someone as strong as Shepard. Shepard was our martyr, our chance to be reborn. His sacrifice runs so deep, that every soul stops to pay their respects to us, as if he'll hear it. I hope that somehow he knows.
You better be there when I come back.
"Five minutes." Cortez voices from the cockpit, shattering the silence and my thoughts.
I unstrap my harness and stand, holding onto one of the handles. I toss the datapad where I was sitting and reach for my pistol. Vega had cleaned and mounted it back in its place maybe four times this trip. We were all restless. I could feel how utterly exhausted I was, like my armor weighed twice as much as it normally did. My eyes felt like bricks.
The shuttle rocked as Cortez swerved into a proper landing. Liara and James joined me in a standing position, weapons at the ready. Liara seemed much more present. We all did. This we were familiar with, this was strangely comforting. For a moment, I understood why the crew made no move to keep me from this mission.
I winced as a light throbbing picked up in my head. It was my migraine, reacting in the anticipation of the use of my biotics.
"Major?" James asked quietly, concern hidden in his nonchalant tone.
"I'm fine James." I assured him, running a hand through my hair quickly before pulling my helmet over my head and tapping it twice for good luck. Old habit.
Liara and James followed suite, checking their thermal clips as well. James rolled his shoulders in anticipation.
"Careful you three." Cortez chided, like he always does, before sliding the doors open.
James and Liara hopped out as I realized I had forgotten my extra thermal clips and turned back to grab some quickly. I silently cursed my exhausted state. The data pad beeped beside me and I couldn't help glancing at it. Another alert. I quickly opened the data pad, scrolling through the list to see the update.
John Shepard, London Medical Tent 16, Critical Care.
I closed the data pad and turned to hop the short distance from the hovering shuttle to the ground, quickly joining Liara and James behind cover.
"Move out." I ordered as they fell into step beside me, splitting up and crouching at their Navpoints.
"You better be there when I come back." This time I was hissing the heavy words through my gritted teeth.
He promised. He never broke his promises. I felt my eyes brimming with tears and I quickly shook my head, swallowing the clay in my throat. I brought myself back as I ordered Vega to flank the entrance from the opposite side. As soon as the mission is done...
The mission always comes first. John wouldn't want it any other way.
