I do not own Hot Wheels: Battle Force 5, it belongs to Mattel. Neither do I own the character Lex O'Rourke. He belongs to Dragonstar78 from DeviantArt, and has yet to make an account here. I also do not own the song which is used here, which is "There, Right There!" by Legally Blonde (the Musical).

"EW! Are those ANCHOVIES? How can you stand those things?"

"I thought we already had this conversation a couple of months ago, big bro."

"Oh… right…"

Despite their never-ending efforts to talk about and maintain a normal life, the Battle Force 5 always seem to be veering into the topic of Red Sentients- whether they like it or not. Even worse, they always seem to be talking about the Multiverse at the completely wrong times.

"Ok, then. So…" Vert said.

There was a long and awkward silence at that table in Zeke's Diner.

Agura banged her hand on the table to put out her frustration. "That's IT!" She cried a little too loudly. "We've been trying so hard to not talk about these things outside the Hub-"

"A Hub?" Asked Grace out of nowhere.

The BF5 looked up and saw Grace with a plate of pizza in one hand and a notebook in the other, looking curiously at them.

"Uh, no!" Zoom replied quickly. "We were, uh, talking about a tub!... Yeah, a tub, that's right!"

"Alright then…" Grace said skeptically, and walked away to take orders from the other table.

"A tub? Seriously?" Vert whispered loudly as soon as Grace was out of range.

"You try coming up with something convincing, then!"

But by then Vert wasn't listening- He was watching a particular somebody in the far corner of Zeke's Diner.

"Guys!" He said. "Check out Lex over there…"

Lex O'Rourke, the newest member of BF5, was standing beside the counter, humming to himself as he twirled a lock of long hair. He wasn't paying any particular attention to the BF5, besides taking small glances at them sometimes.

"Yeah, what about our newest member and my best friend?" Stanford asked with a hint of pride in his voice.

Vert looked at everyone nervously before continuing. "Well, don't you think he's kind of… sort of… might be… have any of you noticed… he's kind of- "

At that moment, Sapphire stormed into the diner, with a dangerous look on her face. She plopped into her seat without even a "hey" and started muttering cuss words with her eyes closed . Naturally, Spinner inched away from Sapphire in fear.

"Um, are you-"

"Don't ask," She retorted.

Lex chose that moment to suddenly walk up to the BF5 from his usual dusty corner with for no apparent reason, with a friendly smile on his face.

"Hello Saph! I've been waiting for ye!" He greeted a little too happily.

Sapphire looked up to Lex like he was a piece of gum on her shoe. "I don't need disgusting optimism right now, thank you very much." She growled.

Lex looked very hurt. "But honey, do you nae remember-"

"HONEY?" Sapphire screamed. "Since when did I become your HONEY?" She made her way up to Lex and was about to kick him in a particular spot between his legs when Vert stood between the two.

"Enough!" He shouted in his commander voice. "Now Lex, can you tell us what's going on here before Sapphire blows up?"

"Well, how do ye say it…" Lex all-too-happily replied. "Sapphire and I… are dating!"

"WHAT? YOU BI- mmph!" Sapphire struggled as Sherman cuffed her in the mouth.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Zoom interrupted. "So, let me get this straight… you and Sapphire… have a thing?"

"Yes, it's true," Lex replied. "But th' lassie obviously won't admit it."

Sheman was now stuggling to hold Sapphire in place, with her wild kicking and muffled insults at Lex.

"Guys, a little help- OW!" Sherman screamed as Sapphire bit his arm hard.

"LET GO OF ME SO I CAN KILL THAT LITTLE BAS-"

"Calm down, will you?" Stanford hissed. "We're getting an awfully lot of unwanted attention, if you haven't noticed!"

By now, everyone in Zeke's Diner was staring at the BF5, taking the whole scene in with their mouths open. Even Grace stopped working to see what was going on.

"We're taking this outside!" Vert shouted, and dragged everyone (and receiving a desperate bite from Sapphire ) out of the diner.

Once they were outside, Sapphire gave Lex such a deadly glare that he covered his eyes with his hands.

Spinner looked at them both. "What sweethearts!" He muttered sarcastically.

Meanwhile, Vert was staring at let with an appalled yet excited look in his eyes. He rounded everyone up except for Lex and Sapphire, so Sapphire was totally free to do her thing.

"OWWWW!" Lex wailed as he sank to his knees and fell to the floor, suddenly covered in mysterious bruises.

Agura exchanged dumbfounded looks with Stanford, not getting the situation they were in at all.

"Sapphire? Dating LEX?" She loudly whispered. " She would rather date Zeke than him, she hates his guts!"

"Guys!" Vert interrupted suddenly. "I totally get it now! Lex CAN'T be dating Saph!"

"Why not?" Stanford asked.

"Because he's GAY!" Vert announced in an exasperated voice. "Don't you get it? The long hair. The transparent socks. The pointed shoes!"

The others just looked at him like he was from Mars.

"WHAT?" Stanford cried. "How can you be so sure? I'm his best friend, and even I don't know anything about his sexual life!... Not like it's a nice topic to discuss or anything… Anyways, you can't just back up something like this with clothing and shoes! You need real, solid evidence!"

Vert raised an eyebrow. "So you want real evidence, don't you? Well then, I'll give you some evidence!"

Background music popped out of nowhere, and Vert started to sing-

VERT- There, right there!

Look at that tan, well tinted skin

Look at the killer shape he's in

Look at that slightly stubby chin,

Oh please, he's gay

Totally gay!

Stanford sighed and rolled his eyes. "He can solve the hardest puzzles, let me tell you that," Stanford thought to himself. "But he can't see what's right underneath his nose!"

Didn't his leader know anything about the way things work where he came from?

Stanford- I'm not about to celebrate

Every trait could indicate

The totally straight expatriate

This guy's not gay, I say

Not gay!

By now, the entire BF5 (except for Lex, who was crying in pain and Sapphire, whose head was throbbing in angry pain) had joined in the song-

That is the elephant in the room

Well, is it relevant to assume

That a man who wears perfume

Is automatically, radically gay?

"Well, it is true he wears perfume…" Spinner remarked, sniffing the air.

"Exactly!" Vert exclaimed.

Vert -But look at his coiffed and crispy locks,

Spinner- Look at his silk, translucent socks!

Stanford looked at them with disbelief and anger.

Stanford- There's the eternal paradox,

Look what we're seeing!

"What are we seeing?" Vert challenged.

"Is he gay?" Stanford questioned.

"Of course he's gay!"

"Or European?" Stanford countered with a smirk on his face.

The 6 BF5 members looked at him in realization.

"Ohhh!"

Gay or European?

It's hard to guarantee

Is he gay or European?

They all stopped singing to stare at Stanford.

"Well hey, don't look at me!"

Agura was thinking through it again and again. Finally, she realized it made sense!-

Agura- You see, they bring their boys up different

In those charming foreign ports

They play peculiar sports

"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!" The others finished.

Gay or foreign fella?

"The answer could take WEEKS!" Zoom hissed.

They will say things like "Ciao Bella"

While they kiss you on both cheeks

"Oh please…" Stanford muttered, rolling his eyes.

By now, the group was pondering very hard about this thought-provoking question. IS Lex gay? Or is he just European?