Cordelia's Muse


When I was little I would dig holes. I never got really far because I was little and small and weak and insignificant and couldn't do much without hurting myself or needing help. I remember hating that so much… it was that very fact that made me go on digging and digging until my hands were bloody and my heart was pounding.

There was something comforting about the darkness of my dug holes. There would be a damp kind of moisture in the air that hung over me like a mask. I would revel in it, the simplicity of being in the earth and away from the people, away from the complications.

I didn't have to hear daddy yell, I didn't have to see mommy helpless and emotionless to his anger. I didn't have to see Perdie and Merdie be so damn perfect…

The dark is where I would hide. It's where I could be alone, be happy with myself and no one else could ruin and taint it.

I vaguely remember not having an exact goal. I just wanted to dig; it was the mechanical, mindless movements that made me love it so much. I was ten, a mere girl but the world was already too much to bear. I hated people. I hated my mother, my father, my sisters. Grace, Carol. They lived in this perfect world in such a way that made me think they were either completely ignorant or completely idiotic. I couldn't understand… why were they so complacent?

I wanted, so badly, for something to go wrong. I wanted a disruption, someone to show me that we aren't just all little conformists.

But then I met Elaine. There was something about her… she was like me. She was lonely, she wasn't like the others. She didn't mindlessly follow me, every time I told her to do something she would hesitate, she would resent me for making her do it. She wasn't under my control.

Elaine became my goal. She was the one I wanted to win over, she was so difficult, I revelled in the very mental challenge. I would bring her down and raise her back up just to drop her again. It was twisted, it was dark, it was terrible but it kept me sane for as long as I was.

But within the mind games I would dig. The physical exertion, the deep burning in my muscles were refreshing with the dampness and darkness of being underground.

The dark was safe, the dark was comforting. And darkness is relative, after all.

I was almost happy in my misery.


Quick little Cat's Eye fanfiction.

Whaddaya think? ;)