This is my first fanfiction in a long time, and my first in The Avengers-verse entirely. I have a full outline for this conversation, but a sequel may follow where Darcy acts upon information received (if I muster the courage). I like to read this with Darcy and Natasha's voices in mind, so here's a prompt to do that if you so wish. Hope you enjoy! *bites nails nervously*
"So I heard that you can tell how good a man is in bed just by looking at him."
Natasha's eyes paused momentarily, and flicked up from her book. Well, that was not the most obvious thing you'd expect to be accused of over a late-night cup of tea. She smiled, and put the book down on the bench. "Where did you hear that?" she asked smoothly.
"The internet," Darcy shrugged and made her way over to the stool next to Natasha. She nabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and took a large bite.
Natasha leaned back slightly, a smirk still tugging at her lips. "Ah, so then it must be true…"
"Your Wiki page – before it was taken down by SHIELD – was mostly speculative, but surprisingly comprehensive for a spy. I reckon nerds who were very keen for accurate information wrote it." She paused for a moment to take another bite of her apple. "So… is it accurate?" She asked, her eyes gleaming rather mischievously for someone with a mouth full of half-chewed fruit.
Natasha paused, and took a quick inventory. "Mostly."
"Mostly?" Darcy swallowed.
"I've found I'm right about… ninety nine per cent of the time."
"Gee, talk about a bad strike rate. Glad you went with 'mostly' there." Her sarcasm practically dripped onto the bench.
Natasha smirked. "It wouldn't be fun if there weren't a little room for surprises. But yes, I'd like to think that I can get an accurate measure of a man."
"So…" Darcy said as she pondered her apple. "Is it too personal to ask if that data is an extrapolation or based concrete statistics?" Her eyes glanced back up to Natasha.
Natasha smiled briefly before taking a sip from her cup. "Probably. But my data is concrete."
"Good for you!" Darcy exclaimed, playfully punched Natasha's arm, which earned her a look of mild bemusement. "I'm impressed. You're doing well for an older gal."
"I'm going to assume that label also comes from my speculative Wikipedia page, and not intended as a personal comment on my appearance," Natasha replied with narrow eyes.
"Well…" Darcy grinned. "Mostly."
"Cука."
Darcy's grin widened. "That's a Russian insult isn't it?"
"Absolutely."
"Awesome." Darcy left her apple on the table and jumped up to make herself a cup of something hot. With her back turned to Natasha, she called out over her shoulder, "So, go on then!"
"'Go on', what?" Natasha responded, confused.
Darcy turned back around, placed a few things on the kitchen bench, and began piling chunks of Tony's best chocolate into her mug. "You can't just say that you know how good a man is in bed just by looking and then not tell me who the best lay in The Avengers is." She paused and looked at Natasha. "That'd be rude."
"Well, I would have thought that was obvious." Natasha said, and sipped her tea.
"Really?" Darcy asked, slightly thrown. "Who?"
"Me, of course," Natasha smirked from behind her cup, her eyes twinkling.
Darcy snorted and poured boiling water into her mug from the tap to her right. "Come on, you know what I mean! Out of those of the X-Y chromosomal persuasion here in Stark Tower, who should I be jumping?"
Darcy turned to the fridge and took some milk out, pausing to check the date on the top before she opened the lip and sniffed cautiously.
"Well, that's a bit of a different question…" Natasha started thoughtfully, as she looked down at her cup.
Darcy had evidently decided that the milk was worth the risk, as she walked back over to the bench, and poured a small amount of milk into her mug. "Yeah, I just ruled you, Jane, Pepper and me out." She took out a teaspoon and began to stir her brew.
Natasha idly tapped her fingers on the rim of her saucer. "Yes, but you also ruled someone else in who wasn't in your original question. 'In the tower' is not the same as 'in The Avengers'."
Darcy narrowed her eyes in thought, and continued to stir her hot chocolate. "In the Tower, but not in The Avengers…" There was a moment's pause, and then Darcy stopped and looked back up at Natasha with a frown on her face. "Loki?"
"Mmm."
"And that would make a difference to the answer?"
"Most definitely." Natasha replied and drained the remaining contents of her cup.
Darcy threw her teaspoon in the sink and placed both hands on the bench. She looked at Natasha seriously. "The answer to 'which guy is the best fuck in The Avengers' is different to 'which guy is the best fuck in the building'?"
"Yes."
"Loki is the best fuck in the building."
"Almost certainly."
"Holy. Shit."
