AMATEUR NIGHT

By ... Steve Lucky

GETTING_GREG'S_GOAT, THE_TREASURE_OF_SIERRA_AVENUE, THE_CINCINATTI_KIDS had THE_POSSIBLE_DREAM
of being HAWAII_BOUND after being declared THE_WINNER of AMATEUR_NIGHT.

The first act, PETER_AND_THE_WOLF, had TWO_PETES_IN_A_POD played by KELLY'S_KIDS. Mike,
THE_PERSONALITY_KID, was in THE_DRIVER'S_SEAT and Bobby, THE_IMPRACTICAL_JOKER was his
understudy.

BOBBY'S_HERO was SERGEANT_EMMA alius DEAR_LIBBY. The MAIL_ORDER_HERO using
THE_POWER_OF_THE_PRESS had solved THE_GREAT EARRING_CAPER, THE_SLUMBER_CAPER, and
THE_TEETER_TOTTER_CAPER. THE_PRIVATE_EAR listened to CONFESSIONS,_CONFESSIONS and would
TELL_IT_LIKE_IT_IS.

Unlike THE_HERO, Bobby rigged MIKE'S_HORROR-SCOPE saying he would go KATCHOO, suffer
THE_BIG_SPRAIN, and then CLICK, LIGHTS_OUT. When the fraud was discovered, Mike challanged
THE_HUSTLER with A_FIST_FULL_OF_REASONS to punish him for his LAW_AND_DISORDER.

"WHAT_GOES_UP..." he began but Bobby cut him off.

"Just CALL_ME_IRRESPONSIBLE," he said. "EVERY_BOY_DOES_IT_ONCE, MY_FAIR_OPPONENT."

"THE_SHOW_MUST_GO_ON??" snapped Mike to a person off stage. "Am I MY_BROTHER'S_KEEPER?
Um..AND_NOW_A_WORD_FROM_OUR_SPONCER."

The next act, THE_DRUMMER_BOY, would WELCOME_ABOARD Johny Bravo, THE_VOICE_OF_CHRISTMAS, who
knew HOW_TO_SUCCEED_IN_BUSINESS. BRACE_YOURSELF, THE_DROUPOUT made THE_UN-UNDERGROUND_MOVIE
about THE_BABYSITTER and her FATHER_OF_THE_YEAR taking a trip to THE_TIKI_CAVES during
FRIGHT_NIGHT at GHOST_TOWN_U.S.A. and played PASS_THE_TABU until realizing
KITTY_KARRYALL_IS_MISSING.

"EVERYBODY_CAN'T_BE_GEORGE_WASHINGTON," said Johnny. "YOU_CAN'T_WIN_THEM_ALL but
TRY,_TRY_AGAIN because YOU'RE_NEVER_TOO_OLD and NEVER_TOO_YOUNG for A_ROOM_AT_THE_TOP."

Johnny kept TOP_SECRET the BIG_BET about GOING,_GOING...STEADY with MISS_POPULARITY at
the COMING_OUT_PARTY, but she was GETTING_DAVY_JONES the QUARTERBACK_SNEAK who said
JULIET_IS_THE_SUN. ADIOS_JOHNNY_BRAVO.

Johnny, GOODBYE,_ALICE,_HELLO. Alice was THE_NOT_SO_UGLY_DUCKLING even seen through
THE_NOT_SO_ROSE_COLORED_GLASSES of her peers. Knowing about LOVE_AND_THE_OLDER_MAN she
debated whether TO_MOVE_OR_NOT_TO_MOVE where THE_GRASS_IS_ALWAYS_GREENER. After THE_ELOPMENT
and THE_HONEYMOON to her BIG_LITTLE_MAN, CYRANO_DE_BRADY, THE_UNDER_GRADUATE with
CARRER_FEVER realized A_CLUBHOUSE_IS_NOT_A_HOME WHERE_THERE'S_SMOKE_AND_FIRE and moved.
ALICE'S_SEPTEMBER_SONG : DOUGH_RE_MI was cancelled.

"ALICE_DOESN'T_LIVE_HERE_ANYMORE," is all people will say about THE_HAIR_BRAINED_SCHEME.

The toughest act to beat was SNOW_WHITE_AND_THE_SEVEN_BRADYS performed by THE_BRADY_BRAVES
for THE_LIBERATION_OF_MARCIA_BRADY execpt JAN,_THE_ONLY_CHILD threatened by HER_SISTERS_SHADOW.

"VOTE_FOR_BRADY," said Marcia. "and A_CAMPING_WE_WILL_GO."

Despite this, MARCIA_GETS_CREAMED due to Jan's childish games of LOST_LOCKET,_FOUND_LOCKET
and EENIE_MEENIE_MOMMY_DADDY."

"MY_SISTER,_BENEDICT_ARNOLD," screamed Marcia. "WILL_THE_REAL_JAN_BRADY_PLEASE_STAND_UP?
Why can't you be more like CINDY_BRADY,_LADY?"

GREG'S TRIANGLE from Cincinatti won with a perfomance OUT_OF_THIS_WORLD. However, instead
of Hawaii, it was THE_GRAND_CANYON_OR_BUST. Even worse, GREG_GETS_GROUNDED after
THE_FENDER_BENDERS he had with JAN'S_AUNT_JENNY beacause he was DOUBLE_PARKED.

After that, THE_WHEELER_DEALER tried to cheat associates, THE_SNOOPERSTAR and THE_TATTLE_TALE.

"SORRY,_RIGHT_NUMBER," they said after recounting the money. "54_40_AND_FIGHT."

If THE_SUBJECT_WAS_NOSES, let's just say his was broken.

"IS_THERE_A_DOCTOR_IN_THE_HOUSE?" he moaned, then sighed. "TODAY_I_AM_A_FRESHMAN at the
Academy of Music. My next song will be TIGER!_TIGER!"

"OUR_SON_THE_MAN!" he parents exclaimed.