I miss you so much it hurts
I just want you back
but the connection we had
is gone
and cannot be repaired
But hear me now
I love you
and I always will
its just hard
to convey that through words
So I write to you
to tell you I love you
and that I always have
I need you back
and I'm sorry
for the way I am
that wasn't quite what I wanted it
to be
and what you needed me to be.
Depression
I word I resent
because that's all I am
I wish I could change it
for you.
To make you happy
and to let you see me be happy
when I needed to be
was to hard for me
and I'm sorry.
I wanted to be there for you
but I didn't now how
to love
and not hurt someone
I didn't know better
I was scared of losing you
but now I'm scared of losing myself
to my feelings
thoughts
and state of mind.
Now I think I know
I just cannot convey
what I feel for you
in words
and when I write this
I cry for us
all we had
and all we lost.
I loved you
and I still do
but the time just isn't right
but it will be
one day
when I am happy with who I am.
So maybe
just maybe
if we can agree
to just love apart
and together
for as long as you want to
and can take.
We could bend
and never break
but only
if we can survive
long enough for us
to do either.
We could be happy
and by happy I mean really
like when we were
a long long time ago.
The spark has not left
just me
I have left you
because I could not handle my emotions
like I needed to.
I know you probably don't want me
after what I said
I wish I could portray that in words
but they just don't come to me
naturally.
So this is what I wish
for you and for me
to just release the tension
that has come between us
and be happy
like we were before.
Before I wasn't happy
I just sulked everywhere
when I knew I couldn't let you see me
because I knew it would upset you
to see me as such a different person
then what I had portrayed to everyone else
including you.
I didn't want you to see me like this
scared and saddened by the world
that tried so hard to keep me happy
and keep me smiling
It just didn't work.
I love you
and I always have
and always will
I'm just not ready
for you to hold me
and tell me I'm pretty
every day until I told you to stop
because I didn't believe you.
Belief in you
you made me happy
and I love you for that
you beloved in me.
Belief
I had it for a long time
and I still have it
but it has been hidden
by my state of mind
that I cannot control
on my own.
Depression
I don't want to handle it
and let you see me
not be happy
like we were
before.
I wanted for us to be happy
and I wanted to be happy
from the start
but I just wasn't
and I didn't want to put you through that
I knew it would hurt you
to see me in this state
so I kept it hidden
so you wouldn't have to see me
and tell me it would all be ok
when I knew it probably wouldn't be.
Its not because of you
I feel this way
it came like a tornado
things swept up and carried away from me
there was no way for me to stop it.
You were never the reason
I felt this way
about myself and the world
it just happened
and I felt like
there was no way to stop it
and no way to control it.
I felt so vulnerable
being around people
and trying to blend in
and pretend
I wasn't different
in ways no one could see
and the ways
that no one wanted to believe.
I don't know how long its been
since I've been happy
and happy to be alive.
You changed something in me though
I wanted to be alive
and live for you
I tried to hide this side of me
from you
just so I could be happy around you
and no one else.
I wanted my efforts not to fail
but I saw something wrong
with myself
that I knew you would be scared of
and maybe even scared of me
if I were to be controlled
by this alternate state of mind
I might do something someday
something I might regret
but until I do
I love you
and I always will
and that means something to me
and always will.
For our final goodbye
I wish for you
to be happy
and try to keep yourself happy
even without me
and for you not end up like me.
I want you to be happy
and I want you to love
and be loved
by someone who can love you back
no matter what happens.
I love you
and I always will
you have made an impact
on me and my life
in the best way possible.
Don't be sad
that I decided to do what I did
just know
that I love you
in spirit and in body
and I promise
That I love you
And I always will.
And that means something.
