I couldn't get the idea out of my head, so I put it down on paper. It is a Swan Queen story, with the usual ups and some very big downs. Probably be 3 chapters, first 2 mainly written. Is dark and angsty, mature warning to be safe. Sorry if you are waiting for me to continue with my other fics, am a bit stuck, have a heavy workload in my day job and I am easily distracted. I will continue "Is this Something" soon - I hope!
I own nothing, as per the usual disclaimer.
Enjoy the read, I think it speaks for itself but if you need background it is about ten years from Season 1, SwanQueen and mentions of the past mainly follows cannon.
Please feel free to leave feedback, I am awful at responding but I read them and take great heart from the kind and positive comments.
She looks at Emma and swallows past the lump in her throat. She is beautiful, her hair catching the light of the evening sun as she is spun on the dance floor. The dress is simple, brilliant white which Regina knows is a stretch but Charles is from the Enchanted Forest and wanted to do everything traditionally. Regina wonders how with Emma's clumsiness she has managed to keep the fabric clean of spills and then shakes her head, none of it matters, she isn't the one dancing with Emma and that is what is stuck in her throat.
She looks again, admiring the way the fabric is tailored and shows her slim figure, her arms are bare and Regina looks at the muscle definition. She shouldn't be torturing herself like this, seeing the slender limbs and pale fingers, the nails lightly painted and pressed against his chest. She tries not to remember when it was her chest, her thighs, her skin they ran so gently over.
She lifts her gaze and studies the blonde's face, her make up delicate and she is smiling. It doesn't reach her eyes but Regina thinks perhaps nothing will anymore. She closes her eyes against the tears she suddenly feels. This isn't the time for what might have beens, briefly she wonders why she is putting herself through this and then she remembers. She is the Mayor, she has the façade to maintain. And really, etiquette dictates she is at the wedding of her town Sheriff and the woman she shares Henry with. A woman, who until quite recently, was her best friend.
That they were once much more than that, more than employer and employee, and so very much more than co-parents is violently pushed away. To linger on that for too long will definitely allow the tears to fall. And besides, today isn't about her, today is Emma's day. She needs to be strong and survive this even if it hurts her heart to sit on the side-lines and watch the one person she had finally let into her heart and her head marry someone else.
Ruby clears her throat and the Mayor swings her eyes up to see sympathy and understanding staring down at her. She wants to look away but that would really be the ultimate weakness. The Wolf knows she is hurting, really, how could she not be, and her ability to hide her broken heart had somehow eluded her over this. Her feelings are still so close to the surface, rough and raw and she has done her best but she knows she has failed to hide them.
Even Snow had looked away from her earlier, not wanting to meet her eyes and see a hurt and damaged woman. Snow thought they had healed the old wounds, that Regina was genuinely happy and deservedly so. She had accepted the relationship her daughter wanted to pursue and felt they were finally becoming a family that nothing could divide.
Snow, to Regina's surprise, had been welcoming and supportive and they had been able to build a solid foundation of friendship, moving forward and away from the past. Both Snow and Charming had forgiven and recognised that Regina was a better person, she had finally left that damaged person behind in the Enchanted Forest for good.
The petite brunette had dearly hoped Regina had found true happiness and she wished her Ex-Step Mother had been able to embrace it and enjoy the obvious love between the two women. But somehow Emma had manged to destroy the relationship and Snow knew Regina hadn't really managed to move on. And now she was battling through this day, one that had opened up all of her feelings for her ex-lover, heightened her connection to the past and her feelings of loss and Snow recognised it all too well. It nearly brought the younger brunette to tears and she couldn't watch as Regina's mask slipped, her eyes glittering briefly with unshed tears that betrayed her perfectly practiced set jaw and fake politician's smile.
And looking around the Mayor realised with shockingly violent understanding that the whole town could see through her mask, her straight back and smart appearance doing nothing to hide her delicate and freshly broken heart. She feels something cold settle on her skin, distinct discomfort at these peasants having ideas and thoughts about her feelings and emotions, but she guesses after the turmoil they have all been through over the last decade there is little point denying her pain. Every single person in the room, except the happy couple, know Regina too well by now. It is a town unlike any other and they subconsciously now all know how to read and react to each other.
They were all closer than any neighbours had the right to be, sharing disasters and loses, intertwined family and weird relations and suddenly she is tired, so very tired. Because everything has been a fight, everything has been about making other people happy. She just hadn't realised it.
She had tried to make Mother happy, then Rumple, then Henry, then the family she was trying to change for and fit in with, Snow, Charming, and Emma. She has spent her life sacrificing and putting her happiness on the line for the town, to protect the people she had brought here with her curse. She had tried to be enough for Robin, changing again, allowing him to follow his code and to choose who he thought was his wife. She had bent, the effort almost breaking her to let him go and then come back to her when that had fallen apart. She had pushed away her anger trying to see his side of things and be understanding, allowing him to make mistakes because who was she to judge anyone in that regard? And she thought she was happy, but really she had just been floundering, reaching out and trying to anchor herself in a sea of uncertainty.
She had only become grounded and settled with Emma, feeling calm from the minute they had given in to the pull between them and eventually kissed. She had finally realised what the heated arguments and strained friendship were actually about, the unvoiced feelings were deeply buried, denied even but when they broke free they were intense and felt unbelievably right. She finally felt complete as Emma had swept her up in her arms and nuzzled her neck and whispered sweet nothings to her. She had felt her heart relax and everything inside of her that had always been driven to fight, fight, fight had steadied immediately.
As she collapsed into Emma's warm embrace that first time she felt peace like she had never know, not for decades, if ever. Definitely not since riding through sun drenched fields, feeling free as the wind whipped at her face, a temporary escape from her lessons and the pressures of an adult life that seemed to be crowding in on her late childhood. She had let the sun kiss her skin, enjoying the warmth before settling in Daniel's arms and planning a future that never came to pass.
And now, she had sat through a ceremony and watched her blonde lover marry someone else. Someone she knew Emma didn't have one drop of feeling for. But she did understand, because Emma had finally been pushed past her breaking point. Past the point where she believed in love and happy endings. Emma had lost one too many people, been forced to see another loved one hurt or taken from her and she had pulled back. She had run, scared, from her own heart and the fear of being damaged and broken by her feelings and emotions.
So she had picked someone safe, someone who couldn't hurt her if they left her, which judging from the rather plain little man she had just married was highly unlikely. Regina knew why the marriage had been rushed, Charles scared that Emma would change her mind. Even he knew he had no right being with someone like Emma, the Saviour, spontaneous and active, witty with dark experience tainting her humour but still usually buzzing with life and exuberance. He knew he was the complete opposite and someone she had settled for, and yet he embraced it because who would ever turn Emma away? She is stunning both inside and out. She is so loving, hardworking and she is The Saviour, which to the idiot peasants is everything.
So now Regina sits quietly, she has a lovely view of her town celebrating the wedding of their Princess but all she finds herself doing is clasping her hands together tightly in her lap in frustration and forcing her eyes away from the floor. The floor is easy to look at, it doesn't hurt her with images of what might have been, but her Mother's voice still niggles from time to time in the back of her mind. Today it whispers, telling her to look up, that studying the floor is weakness. You can't win a battle from that position, you must meet your enemies eyes and besides, looking down creates improper posture. So she straightens her back and holds her head high as she has always done, watching and praying for this day to be over.
Regina hadn't gone into the relationship blind, she knew Emma was damaged, but so was she and she thought they were strong together and could work through any issues, any problems. That Emma knew the darkness and had struggled was apparent, and it had started long ago with Emma's upbringing. And Regina recognised the irony there. She had been responsible for the hard and harsh times Emma had gone through, it was her curse that had left Emma alone in this world, without parents and forgotten about so she had grown up emotionally stunted. She had spent her formative years forever being passed around, never settling and never being given much love. And that was all down to Regina, so she shouldn't have been surprised when Karma paid her back and allowed that to be what destroyed their relationship.
Just the foster system and the horrors Emma had endured while in it might have been something she could rise above and eventually learn to deal with, but then Neal had shown her a brief glimpse of love before abandoning her to prison and then caused a complete emotional hurricane by reappearing 11 years later, with claims of love and regret before he was once again gone. Friendships with Graham and August were broken and Hook had loved her with his own desperate way but then he was gone as well and Emma still found it within herself to give love another chance and try with Regina.
The older woman knew they had been happy, deliriously so at the beginning. Because they understood each other, they could talk to each other about anything and their magic had rejoiced at their union, making everything just a little more intense and feeling perfect. There had been so much to smile and laugh at, the darkness for once seemed to slip away and both of them felt younger, more relaxed and finally free. There were still daily struggles but they were muted because they were so involved in the other person, drawing strength from each other. Regina had never felt so loved and wanted and the warmth Emma created just standing by her side filled her completely. No-one could deny the love that clearly shone from her eyes when she looked at the blonde.
The whole town had seen it and were happy for them, something Regina would never have thought possible, but she had been embraced as their hero and with Emma telling her she deserved it she found she could walk with her head held high and enjoy the unfamiliar feeling of being wanted and respected. She guessed she should have known better, because there never is a happy ending for the villain. Her sins would away catch up with her, but she thought that finally she might have given up enough- she had sacrificed ample things during her life - so she had desperately hoped the scales were balanced again. As time went on she had begun to believe she would be allowed this.
But whatever she gave wasn't enough to keep her lover, because Emma couldn't get over the past. No amount of physical comfort, being held and whispered words of affection eased Emma's fear. And Regina wished she could provide that, be more for the blonde, because Emma did that for her. She believed when she was told she was beautiful and she felt safe in the younger woman's strong arms. It tore her apart to know Emma wasn't completely happy and that when things were calm and quiet she would brood on the past and gently push Regina's help away.
The older woman had spent her life struggling for acceptance but she finally felt it with Emma and it broke her heart to know that Emma couldn't let go of the past fully and be completely content with her. But even knowing there were bumps along their road and they both still had demons, both still had nightmares that couldn't be erased by long and soul baring conversation between them, Regina had thought they would make it. She had believed the lie that was their True Love.
They had tentatively started out with the Sheriff moving in and their routine changed but neither woman minded. Regina enjoyed cooking for the 3 of them, Henry loved having both his mothers' under one roof, and Emma had managed to quickly grasp Regina's aversion to things being dirty, untidy and messy. She would lovingly joke about the older woman's meticulous filing system for her clothes, teasing her constantly with a twinkle in her eye, and the brunette let her, even laughing too.
Whether it was piles of clothes that weren't in the laundry hamper, or dishes in the sink, Emma soon learned to clean up after herself. She understood the laundry schedule (only someone like Regina would have one, but apparently the ordered way she lived her life extended to 2 coloured washes a week, Tuesday and Saturday, whites Monday and Fridays) and she volunteered to get the groceries twice a week. The Mayor was well aware this was a ploy, it was mainly so the blonde could sneak things crammed full of sugar and added colours, chocolates, desserts and ice cream into the house without Regina being able to complain before it was too late.
And they worked at it, ironing out small disputes. Kissing and making up when Emma's teasing became a little too much and Regina got as the blonde called it, "humpy." It had been a house filled with laughter and joy and it was well over a year when the cracks started to appear.
The first thing that caused a ripple in their relationship was the death of Gepeto. He was elderly but thoroughly enjoyed his job, loved crafting with wood, but ultimately it had put a strain on his heart and he had fallen down one morning clutching his chest. Later they would find out it had been mercifully quick and likely he had been dead before he hit the floor but Emma had been first on the scene, quickest to respond and having to give the old man CPR.
Everyone agreed it was from natural causes and the funeral was a celebration of his life, and most of the town took heart that a super villain hadn't struck him down. And yet it had eaten at and bothered the blonde Sheriff, she felt personally responsible for not saving him, not getting there quickly enough. The fact everyone told her Gepeto had lived a full and long life did little to ease her guilt. Emma felt she had failed as Sheriff, in her duty to protect the people in her town.
Losing someone to natural causes, their heart giving out, didn't make it any easier for Emma to take, she just saw another loss. She saw the long list of people resting under the ground that just kept growing and upsetting her more every day. And Regina noticed the effect almost immediately within her lover. She tried to open the blonde up and get her to talk through why this bothered her so much but she just shrugged it off and kept changing the subject. Regina recognised the blonde's stubborn streak and her desire to deal with her problems herself. She had once opened up and told the brunette she felt weak if she couldn't cope, couldn't find a way out on her won. She had always been on her own, always had to rely on her instincts and to open up and share her problems felt alien to her.
Regina had only wanted to help, but she saw Emma set her jaw and knew it was a lost cause. Getting frustrated the older woman knew she had to reign her emotions in, anger wouldn't help here. She was fairly certain Emma needed to talk to someone and she knew there were things that she had confided to Archie about and his help and support had been invaluable. She trusted the man with the soft voice and gentle nature, she hoped she could convince her lover she could also. When she mentioned it to the blonde she had grudgingly agreed, because it was obvious there was something bothering the younger woman and Regina, being Regina, refused to let it go.
I didn't help their relationship that over this point, Regina really didn't understand her lovers reaction. Gepeto was liked but Emma hadn't really been close to him, her behaviour was a little odd and it worried the brunette. Sadly she mused, understanding the reaction and behaviour of her lover only hit her later, once everything had unravelled and it was too late.
Thankfully after a few weeks of talking with Archie Emma did pick up and seem more like herself. She had gone into the first few sessions nervous and unable to settle. She had struggled to open up and relax, but after several hours the blonde finally recognized Archie wasn't a threat and wasn't going to judge her. She began to talk freely and the sessions became a proper conversation rather than Archie trying to ask probing questions and Emma clamming up or giving him a clipped and terse response he would associate more with the woman's lover.
The next thing that put more strain on their relationship was a freak accident and it had upset Regina greatly, but it had almost destroyed Emma.
Walking Pongo one day Archie had bent to tie his shoe lace. He had the dog leash wrapped round his arm and when Pongo had been frightened by a car horn blaring from a passing truck he had run and pulled Archie over. Somehow he had hit his head on the sharp edge of the sidewalk and fallen head first into the road, the blow knocking him out. He spent a few hours unconscious in the hospital but had woken with amnesia and gaps in his memory. When Whale had done a brain scan it became clear the fall had caused a clot and Archie had suffered a small stroke. It wasn't a major stroke and Archie was physically healthy, he would easily be able to care for himself and return to his life, but there was slight damage to his brain and it meant he would never be able to take a therapy session again. His career was over.
And Emma had been at a critical junction with her therapist. Her barely healed scabs that were the wounds of her past were so raw and close to the surface. Archie had been in the process of pulling the scabs off, letting the long festering wounds see daylight. Then with his words and constant care the next part of the therapy was to allow them to be cleansed, flushed clean so they no longer itched and bothered Emma so badly. He knew as did Emma that although this would still leave behind a scar, after all no-one can forget their past or escape from it, all you can do is find acceptance. But the metaphorical wounds and gashes Emma had would finally begin to heal properly and no longer be so painful and tender for her.
But he had left her, like everyone else always seemed to and she was probably more vulnerable now than if she had never been to see him at all. Regina hated the way fate worked, Emma was trying valiantly to hold herself together but Regina saw the tears more often when she was tired, late at night she felt helpless when Emma turned away from her arms and the comfort she wanted so badly to give to her lover. And she didn't know what the solution was. It wasn't like they had someone else qualified in Storybrooke and even if Emma left town for counselling elsewhere it would have to involve telling the new therapist a whole bunch of half-truths and lies about Emma's background. Someone well qualified would probably see through the fabrications and really, everything would be made up from her choice of lover and their back story to her life expectations, her parents and her job. Sure Emma was Town Sheriff, but she was also Saviour and Princess, the White Knight to a town of fairy tale characters. At least Emma had been able to be herself with Archie, the magical mature of Storybrooke and the twisted past was part of his history too. Someone from outside would never get that and Regina felt lost without a way to help Emma. The nights became longer, making love became infrequent and when the blonde eventually found fitful sleep Regina would often cry herself, knowing something so good was slipping away and vowing to herself she wouldn't let it go. Not this time.
They struggled on but with Henry leaving for college it just felt like another gaping hole, another loss to the blonde. Regina started to catch her staring into space and being more and more distracted and detached. She began to feel real fear grasp at her when she realised the connection she had with the blonde was becoming severely strained.
When Regina had been walking home late one night, she was hit by a drunk driver who mounted the curb with his car. He had been so smashed he hadn't been able to get much speed up and the damage to the Mayor had been thankfully light. She had been battered and bruised in hospital, knocked unconscious from the blow to the head, but Whale was certain she was fine. He even made some kind of joke about Regina's sense of dramatic and her timing, which had Emma practically reaching to punch him. Despite David and Snow reassuring their little girl that everything would be fine and that Regina was just taking her time to heal and get out of her Mayoral duties for a few extra days Emma couldn't relax or accept the humour they were trying to lighten the mood with.
She was swinging wildly between anger and abject despair, her helplessness was palpable and it worried Snow when Emma refused to sit and listen to her parents, she felt she was watching her daughter fall apart before their eyes. Charming had stepped up and dealt with the drunken man, because he was frightened his daughter might have killed him. There was a look like a trapped animal might have in her eyes and from his past life at the Animal shelter he was well aware of the danger that posed.
Emma would swiftly go from agitated to broodingly dark and quiet. The tension was coming from her in waves and the switches between the two states were rapid, showing how little control the blonde was really in. And all of it confused Snow and Charming because Regina was fine, she just needed time. It was an extreme reaction, Emma losing the ability to be patient and use rational thought. She was a ball of confused emotion and Snow was thankful Henry was away and not having to witness this. It verged on hysteria and upset Snow greatly that as a mother she couldn't calm her child. She prayed for Regina to awake and talk some sense into her daughter, she obviously needed it.
By the time the brunette came back to the world of the living Emma had made a drastic and dramatic decision. She had been scared, so very frightened and that was how she justified her decision to herself.
Snow had to tell Regina that part, that Emma had basically broken into pieces and was a shadow of herself after the car had run her down. Snow confessed to her in a whisper that she hadn't recognised her daughter in those 2 days, she had taken herself and wrapped barriers and walls round herself until she no longer seemed clear headed or rational. Snow stopped short of questioning her daughter's sanity, but Regina had looked deeply in her lovers eyes when she woke up and knew instinctively Emma had been badly unbalanced in that moment.
And Snow had to tell her because Emma had been there to see her wake up, had stayed just long enough to check that Regina was on her feet and Dr Whale had confirmed she would make a full recovery before the blonde was dropping the bombshell that they were over. The words, "I can't do this anymore" still haunted her, she closed her eyes and saw Emma's back as she walked briskly down the hospital corridor and out of Regina's life and she always felt the tears threaten.
That Emma had walked away was bad enough, but to leave her when she was recovering from being hit by a car, when she was physically hurting and without a backward glance, even Regina thought that was cold.
Regina was released from the hospital and came home to a hastily emptied house, Emma seemed to have grabbed a holdall and shoved as much of her stuff as she could find in it. That her Ex was running was clear to Regina, but she didn't know what to do about it. When she had put the first load of laundry on and one of Emma's socks had fallen out, left behind in the frantic escape the blonde had made for herself she sat and looked at it for almost an hour, tears streaking her face but almost unnoticed in the catatonic state she was in.
And even then, feeling the absence of Emma so keenly, she didn't hate the younger woman. She wanted to reach out to her, to console her, to try and salvage something. She guessed she was in denial that it was over, but she hoped that if Emma was close maybe they could move past this and rekindle things. She couldn't believe that what they had shared, what had felt so right and perfect to her, could just die overnight.
But die it had, Emma had run, shutting Regina out and leaving her to deal with her heartbreak in a house that suddenly felt so very empty. She had lost Henry too, and maybe she had held onto the blonde too tightly after his departure and that had been a contributing factor in all of this, but now all she had was a mansion which echoed hollowly, the quietness magnified without Emma's exuberance.
She had expected Emma to run completely, leave Storybrooke and set up somewhere new, but she didn't. Regina wondered if she felt that this was home, with her parents here and it would always be where Henry returned to. And maybe Emma still wanted to be near her, she tried to crush that ember of hope but it refused to die and knowing Emma hadn't completely left kept her awake at nights. In the light of day she told herself it wasn't important and she would get on with her life, but at night, when it was cold and lonely she struggled.
So Regina had learned to exist, each day a bit at a time. She often found herself waking and reaching out to the empty side of the bed, reaching out for warmth and comfort that has long gone. She sometimes cried so hard she was sick but she soon realised all she was doing was damaging her body, her muscles aching, her head pounding and none of it eased the stabbing and sharp pain in her chest. She ate because she knew she had to, Henry rang every day to make sure, but her appetite was gone. She had a kitchen clear up, a fridge and freezer purge, the cheese, chocolate, cookies all thrown away as a reminder that Emma had been such a very big part of everything and now was gone, their relationship had rotten away much like the food in the trash would soon be.
Snow came by more, and Regina saw the disappointment in her eyes that her daughter would behave like this. Snow had understood the feelings Regina had were real and knew the love had never been forced, this, the separation, that was what was forced. But Emma wouldn't discuss it, she had built a wall so high that no-one was getting in. Not Snow, not Charming, not Ruby, she sent them all away if Regina's name was mentioned in anything more than passing.
Things were awkward around town, both women avoiding each other as much as was possible. Regina found she knew Emma's schedule, after years of being friends and over a year of living together she knew almost instinctively where her Ex would be and made plans so she didn't pass her in the mornings. It had to be that way because shortly after her release from hospital Regina had sought out Emma and tried to argue and reason with the woman she loved. She had refused to let her go without a fight, she wasn't proud, she had even begged but Emma just turned around with tears in her eyes and asked her to stop. And because she still loved her passionately and didn't want to hurt her anymore, she had respected that and walked away, her heart crumbling in pieces. She suspected Emma's was too, but more than that Emma was lost, not knowing what to do or what she wanted anymore. For so long she had fought and Regina recognised the broken look in her eyes. She was tired of fighting, she just wanted it to be easy and to not hurt.
And Regina could try and explain that easy didn't make you happy. That giving in to the negativity would only hurt Emma herself in the long run. Regina more than anyone knew that, how when you weren't true to yourself you allowed your nature to be twisted and bad things tended to happen. She was certain Emma wouldn't end up as The Evil Queen, but she could end up with regrets and decisions that she knew were a mistake, all because she had lost herself and her will to fight.
Regina knew life wasn't easy for people like herself and Emma, they didn't seem to have the luck Snow and Charming did, who always seemed to land on their feet and be able to find one another. She had long ago stopped being jealous of them, this was her life and she was going to make the best of it. She had spent years not doing that, but it hurt her to see Emma making the mistakes she had and giving up on happiness because of fear and anger that life was going to take it all away from her. But she still walked away because being close to Emma and continuing to be rejected, well it hurt her in a way she couldn't describe.
Not even Henry had been able to get anywhere, Emma had dug in and become stubborn over this. It was her life and she was going to live it the way she wanted. And Henry was equally stubborn and protective of Regina and he had tried and tried to get his blonde mother to see reason.
Regina knew of his frustration, because he wasn't here today. He had refused to stand by and watch his other mother do this. Her grown up son knew more about love than Emma apparently and he had never been one to hide from the truth. He had blatantly called his mother a coward and told her to stop deceiving herself over this sham relationship. He had called bullshit and then refused to back down, and Regina had a strange sense of pride even if she was desperately sad that Emma's relationship with her son was suffering and she herself could have done with her son's company today. She really could have used his strong and wide shoulder to lean on.
Instead she had Snow watching her from across the room, the look blatant, Snow never could do subtle but there was care in the glances and if Regina could have she would have smiled her thanks at the other woman. Snow had told her of the Wedding too, Emma hadn't had the courtesy to even do that. Snow had held her hand and told her over tea and then as Regina rose to try and leave the room before she openly cried in front of her Ex-Step Daughter Snow had stood before her and blocked her path. She had held her close as she had cried, and Regina realised that you found comfort in the strangest places, that sometimes people who had promised family and that they would be there for you didn't always lie. Sneaky bandits could change and be trusted after all.
She knew Snow would never alienate her daughter, never pick her Ex-Step Mother's side, but she hadn't thrown Regina away either. She was still there for her and she pulled the woman closer as her tears fell against the skin of her neck, trying to find an anchor in the turbulence that was her damaged heart and soul. And she was grateful, so glad someone still cared for her, even if it wasn't in the all-consuming way her daughter had.
And it seemed with Snow's friendship also came a wolf that seemed comfortable to sit in silence with her rather than dancing with Tink and Belle. Regina sighed audibly.
"Regina" Ruby started but the brunette just shook her head.
"Don't Ruby, there is nothing to say."
"But you know this is a mistake, don't you? Snow and David know it, I know it, Henry is so angry he isn't even here. How can you not know it?"
"I do, but it isn't my decision. She made her choice, and I do understand it in a twisted kind of way. She couldn't lose anyone else she loves, I managed to break her so she feels she has to settle and to be without love. To have security rather than unrestrained passion and she says that will be enough for her."
"She is the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, she is the product of True Love. Do you really think this will really be enough for her?" Ruby indicates the half-hearted dance going on somewhere at the back of the room and deep down Regina knows the answer, but she tried to make it work with Emma and she tried to fight for their relationship. She can't keep being rejected, she has some pride and some self-worth and if she doesn't, begging clearly indicating she had sacrificed all of that, she has some sense of self-preservation that has kicked in now her heart no longer aches.
It just feels numb, and she doesn't need Emma (or anyone else) telling her to move on, she doesn't need anything anymore because it is all shades of grey and pain. Ultimately she gambled and she lost again and she has to keep going for Henry and for her friends, friends like Snow and Ruby who haven't left her alone today when it would be so easy to ignore the sad and lonely woman sitting in the corner struggling not to cry.
"Charles is a good man, she could have done worse." Regina manages to get out of her tight throat because that is at least true. He is a safe choice, has a good job and his history isn't soaked in blood. Instead he had been a background character with no real input in any story. He is a little dull if Regina had to put a label on him, he is steady but lacks vibrancy and even she knows Emma will struggle to find common ground and have a fulfilling conversation with him after the initial few months are over.
"But he isn't you." Ruby cuts quickly to the problem. "And she doesn't love him."
Regina quirks her eyebrow at the other woman, "I think one of me is quite enough Dear, this town couldn't handle more than one and we have tried that in our twisted history." She thinks there is very little they haven't experienced, so much that has passed before her eyes in her life and still she feels empty. She has had decades, and each chance has slipped through her fingers. Sometimes because of her own anger and mistakes, but sometimes not and she can sit there and wish things were different, but they aren't.
Ruby puts her hand on Regina's arm and it shows the depth of change in the Mayor, because she doesn't flinch. Human contact is something she has come to understand, there is comfort in the gesture and she wishes she could take it, but her walls round her battered heart can't come down. If they do then she is lost, she barely has the strength for today but she will manage and when she is alone tonight she will give in and cry but until then she is the Mayor, she is Regina and she is strong.
Ruby sees the show and knows it is just that but doesn't press her. And she is grateful, because her composure is wavering and she needs to leave soon because there is only so much she can put herself through and still get up the following morning.
"Don't give up on her." Ruby practically whispers and Regina can't speak. She looks straight ahead and lets Ruby continue to speak quietly because if she even moves an inch at the moment she feels everything will crash down around her and the whole town will see her emotional collapse.
"She's lost, but she won't always be. You spent years lost but you came back to us. When she realises this as the mistake that it is, please Regina, don't turn her away." Ruby pleads Emma's case and Regina wishes it was that easy, because part of her would welcome the blonde back into her arms in a heartbeat. Only her heart doesn't exactly beat anymore, it is stifled and muffled and Emma did that, and to allow her back into her life after that, well it could be considered reckless if not downright crazy.
"How can I trust her again?" Regina breathes out. She should be angry at the meddling, at the way people are trying to manipulate her, but instead her words hold no bite, because she is honestly asking. How can she know Emma won't just warm her bed for a few days or months and then get spooked and run again? Because Regina has been hurt too, more than she ever thought possible and she can't go back and willingly put herself through that again.
"Trust your heart Regina."
"I don't know if I can." She says sadly, the admission costing her nothing and she wonders when it became this easy to be honest. When did she start trusting these people around her who had at one time been her enemies? It all boiled down to a young boy with shaggy hair and his annoying and determined mother and she hates the way things are now for all three of them.
"Give it time." Ruby smiles at her and she is able to meet the other woman's eyes and return a rather half-hearted and pathetic smile. This is so far from how she imagined the future, but she is strong, she is a survivor. And maybe Ruby is right, in time she will feel better and will cope with seeing Emma and Charles together. Maybe she was expecting too much of herself today and she has been at the wedding long enough to do her town duty.
Ruby walks out with her, and while the hug she gives her isn't quite as easy and spontaneous as the ones from Snow, the Queen feels the unspoken words, the promise to be there if Regina ever needs her. And because things aren't like they were during the curse, the older woman knows Ruby so much better and understands her history and that when she offers comfort it is from a place of understanding. She knows heartbreak and loss and she has always been so much more than a scantily clad waitress. She has had some hideous experiences and come out the other side of the hardships so Regina knows she can accept the words and contact without feeling pitied.
Her heels click against the sidewalk as she leaves the music and bustle of the reception. There is a bottle of scotch at home she plans to open and her bed is calling her, the soft pillows and silk sheets will welcome her tired frame when she falls into it later, she has no doubt. Her head is high, her heart empty but this is her life now. So she walks with dignity and poise and doesn't look back.
