This is a very short fan fiction (compared to my last one). I wrote it in play format, because I thought that that would add to the comedy, rather than trying to insert verbs, and adjectives and all that jazz. Hopefully you laugh a lot while you read it. I had fun writing it. Enjoy!

Characters: Roxas Xion Namine Axel Ansem Sora Riku Kairi Larxene Yuffie Aqua Ven Aerith

Lights come on in small conference room; Ansem rubs hands together and opens the door to the room. Axel, Olette, Pence, Hayner, Riku, Kairi, and Roxas enter room. Everyone begins to look awkwardly at one another.

Ansem: Please, please, everyone sit down (beckons to chairs, characters begin to sit down) good, good… very good… (Creepy laughter ensues- exit room).

Olette: Alright everyone, Ansem's gone so I guess that I'm in charge of this little shindig now. Uh, you with the red hair, what's your name again?

Axel: (nervously, twiddling thumbs) I'm Axel… am I that forgettable?

Pence: You should have just asked him to talk, then his name would have been before the colon and you wouldn't have had to ask him about it.

Axel: (looking around room for an empty chair) is this chair taken?

Olette: Yes. If you haven't noticed I'm sitting in it.

Axel: Terribly sorry- is this seat taken?

Pence: Yeah.

Axel: (filled with anxiety) is there any seat that hasn't been taken?

Hayner: No.

Axel: Fine then. I guess that I can just sit on the floor. (Seats himself in corner)

Olette: Okayyy… Now, onto what we're really here for… (Picks up packet of papers) Wait, where are Ms. Namine, Larxene, Fuu, Aqua… where is everyone else besides who's here right now?

(Everyone in room shrugs, then the door slams open, rest of party walk in. Xion is dressed in gangster clothes; Namine is wearing an expensive silk dress with Pomeranian puppy in handbag, Sora looks really angry, everyone else is normal)

Namine: (English accent) I have arrived. Please inform us what we're here for.

Olette: Okay, I decided that I'd write a play and get us all together again to perform it, like the olden days when we used to work together on the set of Kingdom Hearts.

Namine: God rest its tired old soul.

Olette: Sure. Anyway, Ansem kindly let me borrow his computer to type the whole thing up, but I had to promise to him that I'd take some of his suggestions if he let me use the program.

Kairi: Okay, that sounds fine, can we start reading the script? Who's who, may I ask?

Olette: I think that the cast list is typed in the back. Ansem helped me choose, so… it was kind of a collaborative effort. But, we just couldn't figure out a name for the whole thing yet.

Roxas: Oh, awesome. I'm the narrator. Okay, I'll start off reading… 'Once upon a time, there was a young girl who dawned a red cape in memory of the day she started her period- the mark of her becoming a woman… I can't read this anymore.

Kairi: Gee, Olette- you wrote this?

Olette: Like I said before- it was a collaborative effort between me and Ansem.

Fuu: by 'collaborative', do you mean that Ansem talked as you typed? Very collaborative, Olette.

Olette: Shut up, Fuu. Side characters don't need to infuse their opinions into these matters.

Fuu: Ha. You're no main character yourself.

Xion: Shut up both o' you. Guess who got cast in Kingdom Hearts 'cause o' their bangin' performance in Final Fantasy! Ohhhh!

Fuu: You weren't in Final Fantasy, stupid.

Xion: Helllll to the yeah! I was Yuffie. They made me wear brown contacts fo' that role. And I got a slight tan fo' Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days.

Aqua: You two don't look that alike.

Kairi: It's called a finely tuned computer program. Special Effects…

Roxas: (to Olette) hey, you know how we need a title for this?

Sora: (angrily) let's just call it 'Little Red Riding Hood' because basically, it's the same damn thing as the original story!

Roxas: Nah, I got a better idea. How about 'Little Red ridin' in da' hood? Eh eh? (Looks over at Xion in admiration).

Xion: Boy, you look like you just got back from fightin' in da' hood. What's wrong with yo' pants?

Roxas: What, you mean these tan things?

Larxene: Don't cowboys wear them? I've never met a real cowboy before… are you a real cowboy?

Riku: Gosh Larxene, it's just sad how stupid you are in real life.

Larxene: I don't dwell on the over rated things in life.

Aqua: what, like a brain?

Roxas: (brightly) I'm still cool, though- right Xion?

Xion: Whatevah'.

Aqua: Okay, can we just get to the script? Who plays who?

Olette: Okay, Aerith plays Red's mother. Aqua is Aerith's friend who looks after Red after Aerith dies. Axel is the wolf, and Xion and Kairi are sisters, and also happen to be Red's best friends. Namine is the fairy grandmother. Riku is the wood cutter. Fuu is the wood cutters sister. Basically, every other person involved is on one of two teams. The woodcutters or the wolves. Terra, Pence, and Leon are wolves. Larxene and Hayner are the woodcutters.

Namine: (gasps) I'm a granny in this?

Roxas: A fairy granny.

Olette: A fairy granny who is 'forever beautiful' according to this. She has also fallen ill from eating 'nasty shrooms.'

Namine: (poshly, sarcastically) my, what talent you have in writing.

Xion: stuff it, princess.

Olette: guys, can we please get back on subject? We need to start reading the play out loud. Okay, we all have our characters, right? Axel, please stop twiddling your thumbs.

Roxas: he has the confidence of an awkward giraffe.

Riku: (knowingly)Idiot. Animals can't feel- so how can they display emotions?

Namine: (shielding Pomeranian) you are either a sick young man, or a fool.

Kairi: It's the latter.

Riku: It is so the former!

Larxene: Oh my gosh, he is smart! He just used 'former' in a sentence! Oh my gosh, so did I!

Aqua: (sarcastically) Yay! Let's get out the awards!

Roxas: Guys, I'm just gonna start. Axel can twiddle his thumbs as much as he wants, I don't care if he looks stupid.

Xion: I'm sensing jealousy over in hur…

Roxas: (throws down script in front of him) I just can't stand really unconfident guys- especially when they just get roles left right and center!

Larxene: Rolls?

Roxas: He was Reno in Final Fantasy, Axel in Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, Kingdom Hearts II, and he was Axel and Lea in Birth by Sleep!

Aqua: You were Ven, though.

Kairi: Yeah, I say congrats to both of you.

Sora: READ THE DAMN SCRIPT!

Roxas: alright, alright… 'Once upon a time, there was a young girl who dawned a red cape in memory of the day her mother was brutally murdered, as a symbol that marked the beginning of her transition from childhood, into the adult world…

Namine: that actually sounded quite good.

Olette: Just keep saying that instead of what was written. Everyone just mark that in your scripts and we can change it as we go along.

Aerith: (enters room abruptly) right, guys, sorry for being so late. I ran into traffic on the way here. Is this next line mine? (Sits down in the seat near where Axel is sitting in the corner, smiles at Axel, Roxas looks jealous)

Olette: Yeah.

Aerith: Okay, here I go. I'm talking to Aqua in this part, aren't I? Okay. 'Oh, friend… It is a nice day isn't it?

Aqua: 'Yes. This kind of weather makes me so horny'… wait, WHAT?

Kairi: You read it right.

Leon: (dreamily) this is great.

Aerith: 'Remember when we experimented in college, Aqua?'

Riku: Woah! We're sure entering unknown territory, aren't we?

Aerith: It was part of the script, I SWEAR!

Riku: I know, I know, I'm just messing with you

Sora: (fuming) read. The. Damn. Script.

Aqua: 'Yeah, I remember Aerith. You look so sexy today.'

Aerith: 'Let's do it- just like old times.'

Aqua: 'Harder than ever before?'

Aerith: 'Oh yeah'.

Leon: 'now ensues some serious tongue action between two girls- improvise as necessary.' Well, come on guys. Let's play by the script.

Fuu: Pervert.

Leon: (leaning over to her) you have no idea.

Aqua: (folding arms across chest) I refuse to act out this next part. No offense Aerith, you're a good looking girl- but I don't run that way if you know what I mean. And I don't do it in public, either.

Aerith: Yeah, I don't think that this 'play' can get any worse than it already is.

Axel: (shyly) the script says that I come in next. I and my gang of wolves crash in… (Axel blushes madly, scratching the back of his head)

Roxas: Just as Aqua comes. Gosh, Axel. Get a backbone.

Aerith: (defensively) I thought it was very gentleman like of him to do that!

Aqua: Yeah, I agree. Go on Axel.

Axel: Okay. (Whole demeanor changes completely- goes from shy&nervous to sexy&confident. All girls crane necks to look over at him) 'Sorry to cut in on you ladies action- but I have some work to do. Your village- and your asses- are mine now. Mind if I join in?'

Pence: (very gentleman like) 'don't forget to save some ass for me, Axel.'

Riku: gee, Pence. When you find a penis tell us all.

Pence: what, so I can give one to you?

Terra: Yeah, Riku- do you like penis?

Riku: shut up, Terra. You haven't talked this whole time- and now you open your mouth to insult me?

Pence: (whispering to Terra) the reason Riku likes it is because he doesn't have one. (Both snicker)

Leon: I and Terra put our arms around Aqua and Aerith. 'C'mon Axel, I'm getting angsty.'

Terra: 'I'm getting antsies in my pantsies.' Damn, that was the worst line I have ever read in my entire life.

Aerith: (frowning at script) it says that I grab Aqua, kiss her, and tell her to 'take Red and run to grandma's house.' Then I sacrifice myself to the wolves- and they eat me 'with sounds of a burning village in the background.'

Kairi: I can definitely take care of the burning village part. I'm good with computers, I could pull up the sound of screaming and mix it with flames- it'll be perfect.

Aqua: I can't say that for the rest of the play, though.

Aerith: it says that Aqua lip syncs to 'Set Fire to the Rain- Joris Van Der Straten Remix' in the background, as the wolves 'eat' Aerith. Then she dies.

Namine: Isn't it extremely illegal in this country to take songs without the consent of the owner. And you have to give them some credit, too, don't you?

Riku: No, I think Jason Derulo did that- and no one's arresting him for it.

Fuu: It's called 'government conspiracy'.

Riku: I would not go that far.

Roxas: Okay, the curtain goes down, and I give a little monologue on what Red's doing now. 'Red's mother met a steamy end at the hands of the dastardly wolves that 'licked her up like she was a lollypop'. Aqua ran away with the young Red, and they both lived in a new village. That is, until they found out grandma was ill.'

Hayner: (wakes up from sleep) a-wah? Grandma's ill?

Fuu: Wait, who is Red? You forgot to tell us.

Xion: It was Kairi, yo.

Pence: No, Kairi is Red's friend.

Olette: Well, Sora is Red of course!

Kairi: (confused) Wait, Red is a boy, now?

Olette: No, Red is definitely a girl.

Riku: But Sora is a boy!

Fuu: He is?

Hayner: Are you serious?

Pence: Dang. (Various murmurs of surprise can be heard around the room. Apparently, the only people that knew the truth were Kairi, Sora, and Riku)

Olette: Oh. I never would have guessed. I'm terribly sorry. (Blushes with embarrassment. Sora jumps on table in anger.)

Sora: (very angry and hurt) you all thought I was a girl this whole time? Well lemme tell you all something- I've got a cock! And it's pretty damn big! I'll show you! (Pulls pants down, and stands back up proudly, whole room screams, Namine shields her dogs eyes, Larxene ogles at Sora)

Xion: Damn, boy! That is big!

Larxene: I've got a really cool way of checking if it's real or not.

Leon: Really? That would be so cool if you could show us, Larxene.

Aqua: (snarky) No- no it would not be cool at all.

Namine: Wait, maybe Red doesn't have to be a girl at all!

Roxas: Little Red Riding Hood has always been a girl.

Namine: We would be working a new audience. Gay men!

Axel: (very nervous) and who would Sora be 'appealing' to the gay male audience with?

Namine: (quite happy with herself) Well, you, of course! The wolf was always the one who ate Red Riding Hood- and the way this piece is going- I think they mean sex when they say 'eat'.

Axel: (puts head in hands in emotional agony) Why am I the one who's having sex with everyone? Why can't I be the narrator?

Xion: 'Cause you're too sexy to be put behind curtains, boy! (Roxas slumps shoulders and glares at Axel)

Fuu: (smiles mischievously) yeah, besides. We know that you really like it.

Sora: F*** this. It's my line. 'Aqua, aqua, there's blood on my panties… f*** you all. (The whole room erupts in laughter).

Aqua: (chuckling) 'you know what that means, dear. You're becoming a woman!' (More laughter) 'Now I'll have to teach you how to please men, come here.'

Kairi: would you look at that? More sex.

Aqua: After that I call over her two friends to 'help her out'. There's a threesome then, with Kairi involved. Apparently, Xion's the innocent one, she just kind of stands outside. (Xion does fist punch in the air)

Pence: Hey! I've got an idea! How about we see which character goes the longest without having any sex?

Riku: Well, story wise, it would have to be Namine, because she's like an old woman now. I'm sure in the end that the wolf will get her in bed. That would be, what? 100 years without sex?

Kairi: Riku. Say 'grandmother' to yourself, think about it, and then come back to us.

Riku: What? Oh…oh yeah.

Pence: (leaning over to Terra again) this is the reason he didn't talk too much in Kingdom Hearts.

Riku: I told you to shut up Pence!

Aerith: The winner is going to be Roxas, because he's the narrator.

Namine: (thoughtfully) Oh yes. That makes sense.

Larxene: Aww. Poor Roxas- we can get together before the show, how about it?

Roxas: Hmph. Whatever.

Terra: (slyly smiling) we all know who he really wants, though.

Riku: Roxas and Xion sittin' in a tree. F-u-c-

Roxas: SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! I DON'T EVEN LIKE XION! SHE'S UGLY! (All the girls in the room gasp, crossing their arms over their chests).

Xion: Well, now you ain't nevah gettin' any ah' dis' smokin' hot bod. (Snaps her finger, and brings her head around, Roxas immediately regrets what he's said)

Namine: You're not getting any of this either!

Kairi: Or this!

Fuu: Or this.

Aqua: He wasn't getting any of this to begin with.

Roxas: No, wait, c'mon, guys! I can change! Just give me a chance!

Aerith: (stands up) Can I just get everyone's attention for a quick moment? (Everyone looks at Aerith) It is apparent that this is not really a play, or a musical, or anything near a proper piece of substantial, performable literature.

Aqua: Yeah, it's all just Ansem's own little personal porn. This sucks.

Kairi: Yeah, the first time we're all brought together, and we have to suffer through this sexist, crude, little game Ansem has set out for us.

Fuu: I always knew that he was a creep.

Sora: (finally staying calm instead of getting angry) Wait a minute. I just remembered something. When we were shooting Kingdoms Hearts II, we got a shot of me, naked, coming out of the memory replenisher at the beginning of the game. In the end, Disney said no to the shot because it was 'inappropriate'.

Hayner: That means that Ansem knew that you were a boy!

Axel: (begins to cry) I can't deal with this anymore.

Larxene: Guys, we just want to give up on ourselves. Ansem has given us a challenging script, and we should definitely think about doing it.

Pence: (laughing) Oh, you know, I bet at the part when Sora would have been with Axel- I bet that he says 'what a big cock you have' instead of teeth.

Fuu: (flatly) How ever did you figure that out?

Namine: (stands up angrily) Well, I'm not going to stick around to figure out what my part says. Obviously Axel 'eats' me. Quite frankly, I think this stupid porn is completely beneath me, and I will not even stand to be in the same room as this script- or any of you for that matter. You are what you associate yourself with. And I will not associate myself with the likes of you lot. Goodbye. (Pomeranian growls and Namine nods snobbishly, and then exits the room. Everyone is silent for a minute.)

Aqua: I never liked her. C'mon Aerith, let's go out on a shopping spree or something.

Aerith: Yeah, I sure do need it. (Both exit)

Fuu: See you all- never, I guess.

Axel: (bravely goes over to Xion) I never got to ask you this on the Final Fantasy set- or the Kingdom Hearts set. But, do you want to go on a date?

Xion: (smiling) Mm. Sugah', I thought you was nevah gonna ask. (Both leave).

Roxas: Hey, wait for me you two!

(One by one, everyone leaves, until Olette is left alone in the room, Ansem enters again just as the last person leaves.)

Ansem: (dejectedly) where did everyone go? Have they acted out the script yet? Did they find it satisfactory?

Olette: (looks at Ansem expressionlessly, and then throws the script in front of him.) Keep your damn computer. I'll write my own script by hand. And I won't be needing any suggestions either. (Exits room, leaving Ansem alone.)

Ansem: (scratches head, then flips through script once more, sighing.) Well, I thought it was good. I guess I'll just have to direct it myself.

THE END