Not Alone
Kensi couldn't stop thinking about it. Her conversation with Hetty and the gift that she had been given would not leave her mind. There were a number of different ways to approach this and they were all both intriguing and distressing.
"When the time comes for you to hang up your gun. And it will. You'll want more to come home to than a collection of antique weapons."
Kensi Blye did not want to end up alone.
The team had discussed the fact that Hetty was acting strangely, but this morning's conversation had stunned Kensi. Now, at the end of another eventful, stressful, and wholly dangerous day, she tried to grasp and understand what Hetty was trying to tell her.
Kensi's life as an NCIS special ops agent came with certain costs. There was always Sam's favorite – the endless varying of routine. Morning after morning Kensi drove to work by a different route. Day after day she bought donuts from a different shop. She didn't go to Pampered Chef or Mary Kay parties. She didn't go to baby showers for her girlfriends. She didn't hit the malls on weekends with a gaggle of giggling girls. If she shopped it was alone. If she ate out it was alone or with one or more of the team. She never ordered pizza but stopped to pick one up. She didn't call a buddy after work to talk about her day, or report about a first date or plan an evening at the movies. Hell, she even went to movies alone.
These were things that Kensi normally chose not to spend a lot of time thinking about. Yes, she sometimes wished for more friends and a more typical life but she always told herself that this job and the choices that went with it were the right ones for her.
Tonight, alone in her living room once again, she wasn't sure.
Then there was the other part of their conversation. Hetty had responded to Kensi's somewhat negative comment about the men she met by saying that there would be someone in Kensi's life. She alluded to the idea that if Kensi kept her eyes open he would find her.
At this point Kensi was pacing back and forth across her living room. It was Friday night and she was just not in the mood to open a beer and watch TV alone. Again. It was difficult for her to admit, even to herself, that she knew what she wanted to do - but her frustration finally won out.
Kensi took a quick shower. She spent more time on her hair and makeup than she normally did, but it was still fresh and casual. She put on a cream colored top with open lacework across the shoulders and her signature skinny jeans. Then, in a backward way that was very Kensi, she picked up the phone.
Marty Deeks was having a similar evening to Agent Blye's. He could not stop thinking about his talk with Hetty. It pleased him deeply that she wanted him to join NCIS as an agent. It was a big step up, at least in most people's eyes, and would mean a pay increase, among other perks. He was desperately trying to sort out what was most important to him and why he was so hesitant to give up his job with LAPD.
He spent the early part of the evening alternating between walking around his apartment and flopping down on the couch – only to get up and pace around some more.
He finally decided he was hungry and needed to go find something to eat. He showered and dressed in his usual jeans and madras plaid shirt. He was looking for his keys when the phone rang.
"Marty Deeks." His caller id told him it was Kensi and his body responded like it always did when it came to her. Was she all right? Would he have to go into work? Work meant seeing her again, but right now he was hungry…."
"Hey, Deeks. It's Kensi."
When she didn't immediately say anything more, Marty was slightly confused. Her voice was hesitant – not what he was used to- and she didn't mention work right away. He was curious so he willingly played along.
" Hey. What's up with you this lovely Friday night?"
Kensi had thought about this and made a decision, but now, hearing his voice, she felt suddenly nervous and almost shy. She stood up a little straighter and realized how ridiculous that was during a phone conversation. The humor of the thought made her start to relax and she charged on.
"Umm. I haven't eaten and I was just wondering, you know, if you wanted, and if you're hungry and not busy, if maybe you might..."
Marty's laugh was the best thing Kensi had heard in a long time. It was open and genuine and completely honest. When he laughed, she relaxed completely and laughed with him. This situation might be different than usual but this was still her partner, and her friend. She felt a little glow when she thought about it.
Deeks briefly considered giving Kensi a ration about calling him but he was so totally pleased that he couldn't bring himself to spoil the moment – besides; he'd have a chance to give her a bad time later.
"Wow, great timing. I have my keys in my hand and I was just heading out to find something to eat. I was planning to go to the mission afterwards. If you want to go with me, I could pick you up and we could do both. Or whatever." He didn't want to push, this was her lead.
"Sounds good to me," Kensi replied. "But I'm already in the car. Why don't I pick you up?"
Marty chuckled. "Ok, Wonder Woman. I'll be out front."
Kensi zipped into the parking lot and pulled to a stop in front of Deeks. Her driving always made him smile except when it made him grab something to hang on to. He swung open the door and slid into the seat next to her.
"Evenin' Partner," he said with a broad smile, which changed slightly as he looked over at her. "Hey. You look great. Did you want to go someplace nice? I could run back in and change real quick if you want?" He was surprised to realize he was babbling and let out a nervous chuckle.
Kensi heard it too and it made her smile. She wasn't sure why, but his discomfort was charming, and perhaps alarming. She knew he was seeing her in a different way than he did at work. And she didn't mind at all.
"No. It's fine. You look good." Kensi winced as the words left her mouth, knowing that it was an opening Deeks would never pass up. So she waited.
"Glad you think so." That was all? His smile was gentler than she would have expected and he wasn't giving her that all too familiar gotcha look either. Hmm. This night might just be interesting.
"So what's happening at the Mission tonight? Do we need to be there by a certain time?"
Marty watched her as he answered. "Fridays are family night. After dinner they show a movie for the adults and one for the kids. The people that need to can do laundry or fill out paper work while some of the other folks baby-sit. At nine o'clock we serve dessert. It's a really nice break, especially for moms with kids. "
Kensi glanced sideways at him as he spoke. She was impressed once again by all the time he spent helping other people. He never said much about it at work and the rest of the team had no idea of this caring, alter ego. Kensi would never have known either if he hadn't taken her with him on Christmas Eve after she got smacked in the head with a frying pan. She was sure he had done it so that he could keep an eye on her, but it had been a pleasant experience and she'd come away with a new appreciation for her partner.
"Does that sound okay? You could just drop me at the Mission after we eat, if you're not into helping out tonight. No pressure."
"It sounds great. I enjoyed the last time we did this." Kensi threw him a quick smile, " And I might be more help without a head injury."
They both laughed and then spent a few minutes deciding where they wanted to eat.
As Kensi deftly navigated toward their chosen destination, Marty noticed that her driving was less intense than usual. She seemed relaxed. He grinned as he wondered where this new, softer version of his partner had come from
They were soon seated at a booth in a fish and chips place not far from the beach. It had been there for years and was very different from the typical flashy chains that had been built more recently. There was lots of dark color and wood, with slightly cheesy nautical decorations, but the food was always excellent. They both ordered halibut and chips with a beer.
While they waited for their food they made small talk and enjoyed their drinks.
About halfway through the meal Kensi finally brought up the subject that had been on her mind all evening.
"What did Hetty say to you?"
"If I tell you, do you promise to tell me what she said to you?" Kensi knew that Deeks was serious about his question, so she took a moment to think about it. This was uncharted territory for them but she had made up her mind to act on some of the thoughts and feelings that she had ignored for so long. Her talk with Hetty had set something in motion. It was time.
"I promise."
Silence hung in the air as Deeks worked out his answer. He loved his job with NCIS. He was happier working with this bunch of people than perhaps he had ever been during his career in law enforcement. He was still unsure of why he was struggling with this whole thing but he knew Kensi played a leading role in both his happiness and his concern. He had considered more than once what he would say to her if they were ever to have a serious conversation like this one…
"She prepared the papers I need to sign to become a federal agent. She signed off on everything."
Deeks was looking at his hands while he spoke. When he raised his eyes to meet Kensi's, she wore a confused and questioning expression.
"Sooooo, is that good," she asked quietly.
"That's the problem. I don't know."
As he said the words, Marty realized that how they sounded and swiftly tried to clarify.
"I hope you know that I love my job with NCIS. I think I finally might have a place on this team." He paused and waited until she met his eyes and saw the teasing smile he had for her. "I really like the people I work with." He waited again and this time got an amused squint in response. "For a long time I thought I would never be accepted, never really fit in. But I think some of the team kinda like me now and the others begrudgingly value my work and are even occasionally glad I'm there."
They both laughed a little and Kensi started to speak but Deeks reached out and took her hand gently. "No. Let me finish." Kensi looked down at their joined hands and was silent as she waited.
"I wanted to be a cop from the time my dad was arrested for the first time. The officers that came to the house were professional with my dad, but they were really kind and supportive of me and especially my mom. I decided right then that I would do that for other people when I got the chance. I'm not sure I can function as a person if I'm not a cop."
"I've waited so long to get to this point in my life that I'm afraid to change anything in case the whole thing falls apart. I wonder if it's just as good to keep things the way they are, you know? What I have now, and maybe what we have now," he waved his hands between them, "seems pretty good to me." Deeks reached up and raked his hand through his hair in frustration. "But, I want to be permanent with this team. I do not want any chance of losing my connection with you." Realizing how that sounded Marty started to deflect but changed his mind and just looked at Kensi.
They were both quiet. For maybe the first time in their partnership there was nothing between them but honesty. It was different but not uncomfortable. Their eyes were locked as they searched for answers. Without realizing that he was doing so, Marty had turned Kensi's hand over on the table and was stroking his thumb slowly up and down her palm.
"Your turn."
Kensi dropped her eyes and watched Marty's hand move above hers. His words had cleared up a number of things for her. She was relieved that he wasn't going to run from all of this – from her. That understanding alone was a relief and made her thoughts much easier to share.
With a small smile and a sigh, she began. "Hetty told me that I didn't want to end up alone when I hang up my gun. I think she was really saying that she didn't want me to end up like her." Kensi looked up to check Deeks' reaction. He was listening intently and wore a slight frown. His hand had stopped moving on hers and she gave it a tiny push to remind him. He looked down at their hands and shot her an amused looked as he resumed his gentle caress.
"I told her I didn't meet many nice guys. She said I wasn't looking in the right places and if I quit trying so hard to find "him", "he" might find me."
After a brief pause, she added, "It really made me admit some stuff to myself. I think she has serious regrets. I guess I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life"
Later, when they pulled into the parking lot at the mission and got out of the car, Deeks walked up beside her and slipped his hand into hers. He knew that they hadn't really decided anything during their conversation, certainly hadn't made any declarations of intent to each other. For all he knew things would go back to the way they'd been before or maybe they'd get worse. But tonight they were together and he wanted her to know that he was happy and that was good enough for right now. She squeezed his hand and bumped him gently with her hip.
"Let's do this thing."
Hi again. Just a little story that's bouncing around in my brain. I haven't figured it all out yet. Would love to hear what you thnk. Shall I continue?
