Day 1
"Hey Blue, how's the scratch doing?" James Vega asked Liara while he shoveled mounds of scrambled eggs into his mouth. The mess was unusually quiet for that hour. Only he, Liara, James, Garrus, and Tali occupied the table for breakfast, where the rest of the crew was he had no idea. He liked it like this, a lot more relaxed and he certainly needed some relaxation after that last mission on the Citadel, which had included meeting up with Zaeed who kidnapped the Volus Ambassador.
"Scratch? You wouldn't be referring to the gunshot to the leg I got two days ago, would you Lieutenant?" The asari asked from his right shoulder where she rested her head. Much to the annoyance of the rest of the crew, they had began taking up this position in the mess during meals, and with her legs curled up on the bench they occupied an entire bench instead of just the two seats. Any argument presented to him had been laughed off, being the Commanding Officer certainly had its perks.
"Uh, yeah, that," Vega replied through egg, earning a flick of annoyance from the mandibles on Garrus's face.
"She's fine. She's a cockroach!" He interjected happily, pressing an affection kiss on her crest.
"What's a cockroach?" She asked curiously, fiddling with one of the pockets on his pants, actually tucking it back in, as apparently it was hanging out. She was always fixing his clothes, because like a five-year old, he was always a mess. Or at least that's what she always told him, he thought he looked fine… usually. Thinking about his pocket and not the question, he answered it completely off-hand.
"Oh, they're these big nasty bugs that live on Earth. They're gross," he said, wondering to himself how the pocket was even out in the first place.
His first clue that he made a mistake came when he noticed Vega had stopped inhaling food for a moment and was now staring wide-eyed, glancing from him to Liara. His second clue came from Garrus, who merely mumbled "Spirits." Finally, there was no doubt when Liara sat up and calmly removed his arm, which had been draped over shoulders.
"What, something I said?" He asked, confused as he took a bite of his muffin. He saw Tali shake her head out of the corner of his eyes and mutter something under her breath.
Liara did what she always did when she was upset, she shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I don't know, Shepard, maybe it was when you called me a 'big nasty bug'?"
Now he saw it.
Shit… well I can fix this…just don't shove your foot in your mouth again and you're golden!
"Shit I'm sorry Liara! I didn't mean it like that!" He explained quickly, well aware that he had quite the audience if this went to hell.
"Oh, really? How did you mean it, Love?" She asked, in that rather unsettling cool voice she used whenever he upset her.
"It was a metaphor! Cockroaches are notoriously tough! They can actually live a week without their heads," he explained, happy to see her face softening. Although beginning to be very annoyed with the three spectators shifting their gazes from him to Liara as they talked.
"Hm, ok, you could have explained that better," she chided him lightly, returning to the position they held before. Her underneath his arm and resting her head on his shoulder, him leaning back happily, and utterly relieved.
Bomb diffused. Phew! That was a close one! For a second I thought you would be stuck in that bed alone tonight…
Utterly relieved, he once again spoke without thinking.
"Heh, I don't know why you would think I said you looked like a giant nasty bug, I mean, we've been sleeping together for like three years…sort of," he said happily, but then in horror he realized what he had actually said.
Earlier report was premature. Foot is in fact shoved so far down your throat that it has almost returned to its natural position.
Vega and Tali clearly noticed too, for Vega choked on his breakfast and Tali merely shook her head again. Garrus clearly missed it, as he looked around as if lost.
Once again Liara sat up and removed his arm from her shoulders, before facing him, her face twisted into one of the angriest glares he'd ever received from her. "I must've misheard you, Commander. I know you didn't just imply that you only are dating me because of my looks," she stated flatly. Everything about the statement implied the danger he was in, she used his rank, which she only did these days when he said something incredibly stupid, and whenever her voice went flat like that it was the equivalent of the calm waters before a tsunami.
Shit… Ok, ok, you can still salvage the situation. You ended the Geth-Quarian conflict with a few words… this is definitely something you can pull off…
"That's totally not what I meant! You've been in my head… you know how I feel about you!" He said in a panic, although happy with his argument.
Yes! Yes that was good! Keep going! You got this!
She merely raised her eyebrows, and waited for him to finish.
"You're, um, smart, uh, pretty, uh," he fumbled, suddenly at a lost.
Eloquent. So eloquent. You are an inspiration to all who may consider the courting of a woman…
Her eyes began to narrow dangerously as he continued to fumble.
"I, um, er, love you?"
WHY? WHY DID YOU ASK IT LIKE A QUESTION!? THAT WAS A STATEMENT! A SERIOUS FUCKING STATEMENT THAT YOU MEANT AND YOU SAID IT AS IF YOU WERE ASKING HER WHAT TOPPINGS SHE WANTED ON THE PIZZA! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
In response, she nodded to herself and began to scoot out of the bench. "Hm, I don't know, excuse me," she said calmly.
"Wait, Liara, come on!" He called after her as she began walking away. She didn't even look back as she rounded the corner to head who knows where.
Now he found himself sitting alone, with three pairs of eyes just staring at him. "Shit," he muttered to himself, but the others apparently took that as an invitation to give their two cents.
"Huh Shepard, that was impressive. Truly, I've never seen someone sabotage their own relationship with such efficiency," Garrus said lightly, sipping on some dextro shake.
"Shut up Garrus," he growled grumpily, although he knew he was right.
"You Bosh'tet. I've seen more tact from krogan," Tali said annoyed. He expected that reaction from her, she was Liara's best friend, and like little sister to him. She had a very protective instinct when it came to their relationship. The one he had just torpedoed.
He merely gave a noncommittal grunt and waited for what would surely be the most constructive comment from Vega.
"Hm, maybe you should lay off on metaphors in the future Loco," he said, shoveling the last of his eggs into his mouth.
"Hey, it was a good metaphor! And I like metaphors anyway; I'm not going to just stop using them!" He protested.
"Well, they clearly don't like you," Vega retorted with a snicker.
"Noted," he said grumpily, and slouched into the bench in defeat. He sat there for a moment until he noticed Vega was glancing from him, to the rest of his muffin, and back to himself.
"Uh, seriously?" he asked exasperated.
"What? I'm hungry," the Lieutenant said defensively.
"Fine, take it," he sighed.
"Hm, something tells me Liara won't be doing any of that for a while," Garrus said before breaking into a fit of laughter, earning him a hard elbow to the gut from Tali and a high-five from Vega.
"Ok, new orders, anyone who makes some wise-ass comment about my relationship is getting spaced," he said seriously, but the turian's laughter only intensified at the only partially serious threat.
"Commander, it occurs to me that the method you utilized to drive Doctor T'Soni away could be amplified and applied to the Reapers," EDI's voice interrupted them over the intercom, Joker hysterically laughing in the background, earning renewed laughter from James and Garrus and even a small giggle from Tali.
Great, so not only am I in the dog house, but the entire ship knows about it. Not to mention I can't very well space the ship iteslf…
"That was a-," she began before he cut her off angrily.
"A joke, I know!" He hissed, although he doubted anyone heard him over the laughter.
Finally, after about two minutes straight of everyone laughing at his expense, and him looking pointedly away from them, the uproar died down enough for Tali to speak. "Ok, well I'm going to talk to Liara. She seemed rather upset," Tali said and began to push herself off the bench.
"Wait, shouldn't I go ta-," he began before she interrupted him.
"No, I think you should stay here, and possibly consider not talking ever again," she matter-of-factly, earning renewed snickers from James and Garrus as she walked away.
He put his head down in defeat as Garrus called after her, "See you later when we, um, check the engines."
After she was gone, there was finally blissful silence before James broke in. "So Scales, you've been checking the engines, a lot. It's funny, I thought you only knew guns," he said seriously, clearly missing it, a point that EDI saw necessary to correct. Despite the silent and frantic waving by Garrus.
"Weapons Specialist Vakarian is using the phrase 'check the engines' as a euphemism for sexual intercourse. He and Chief Engineer Zorah have been engaging in a sexual liaison since shortly after she arrived on the Normandy," the synthetic voice pointed out calmly, which was contrasted spectacularly by Joker laughing himself hoarse the background.
"Oh, thanks EDI," James said sheepishly, making a point not to look at Garrus.
"Yes, thank you, EDI," Garrus said sarcastically.
"You are quite welcome, Specialist Vakarian and Lieutenant Vega."
