Have you ever read something that killed you inside? Like a text message or someone else's status. Everything was going fine until you accidentally came across something you didn't want to read. Or found out something you were better off not knowing. It's almost as if it was posted just to purposely hurt you. But you constantly read it over and over again to torture yourself. It sucks how one little thing can ruin your whole day. The words "In a relationship." sped through my mind. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid to wait and take it slow. This is how it always ends anymore. But he was the only one I truly wanted. All of the other guys didn't hurt me as much. He doesn't even know it. He probably never will. I kept going through his Facebook feed and seeing them, together. Together was the worst right now. Pain is all I could feel. What happened to our walks we were going to take? What happened to us hanging out and me gushing all over you. Guys never take a hint. They are always clueless. But hey, this is life. People get screwed over. The good ones always get the short end of the stick. Why does she get to have him? Why does he have to go through all of the bullcrap with her? I can clearly see that she is using him for his money and fame. I could never do that. Love is all I want to give and take from him. Why couldn't he just see the glimmer in my eyes when he smiled that perfect smile. Ah the way he smiles and runs his fingers through his hair is intoxicating. It's so hard because he'll never see me like that. I'm just a the girl who cares too much and always ends a story with "I'm sorry.". Why couldn't he see the best parts of me, when all I could see the best parts in him. I was blinded. Blinded by love as people would call it. Some people would call this puppy love. Some people would call it a heart break. I call it a tragedy. She doesn't deserve him even on his worst days. I may sound bitter but he deserves so much more. I just wish I could just let it all out of me. Tell him everything. But how could I when tears flowed at the mention of his name. I scream in my head, wishing he would see her for who she really is. He's talented and wonderful, it's almost too much for me to stand. He loves her so much. Why is he so confident in who he loves when i'm so lost? I remember when I looked into his ever-changing eyes and saw the most wonderful shade of brown. He was watching a show, I decided to watch ahead just so I could watch him as he watched the show. He laughed and crinkled his eyes up, he looked genuinely happy. I saw some fleck of gold in his eyes even. Then he turned and looked into my blue-green eyes and I couldn't hear a sound he made. I just shook my head and kept it to myself that I was in love.
He needs to fall in love with someone who wants him, who understands him even in the madness; someone who helps him and guides him through the pain and suffering of this universe; someone who is his support beneath his feet, someone who is his hope. Fall in love with someone who talks with you after a fight. Fall in love with someone who misses you and absolutely wants to be with you. I wish he wouldn't see her only for her looks and body. Who even gives a fuck about about sex? People act like it's the most important thing humans do, but come on. You know what's important? Who would you die for? Who do you wake up at five forty-five in the morning for, even though you don't even know why they need you? Looks only take you so far. It's who you are deep within your soul. That should only matter. How pure is your soul.
When I make a mistake, I know it, I feel it, I tear myself apart, I lose sleep, I don't stop thinking about it. When I say 'I'm sorry." I mean it. I'm my own toughest critic. I've seen stuff that she has done. She could cheat on him with four guys in one night and not feel a slight of grievance. I'm not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, sometimes I get really mad and upset so I need a minute to cool off but I would never abandon anyone. I don't leave people. And I think that's why it always hurts so bad when people leave me. I randomly catch myself thinking about him. How his day is going, if he's eaten today, How she treated him today, things like that. I would honestly love to know how he's doing. Again pain flowed at the thoughts every time. I'm not an expert on love but I'm pretty sure that I love him and I always will. Hopefully one day I can ask him all of these questions I am asking myself when he crosses my mind. I should hate him, I should be angry because he loves her and not me, I should be angry that he treats me like a child, giving me hope for a future that he knows I so desperately wanted. But then I remember the words he said to me, the way he made me feel when the weather was warm, and my god, I wish I didn't have to love him, but I find it impossible to stop. How about we blame love on the disasters of the world. Love has killed more people than any disease. When you truly love someone, you will fight, wait, hope, and even kill for. It's a feeling that makes you completely blind. We just follow the voice that leads us to our loves. No matter what they do, their name is engraved letter by letter in your veins, it runs through your blood. No matter what we do there is no runaway; you're just stuck on a railway waiting for the train to demolish you. And as we drown in our own thoughts, we wonder if our hearts were still beating or if it was just a sound in our ears. If I could fly, I would becoming right back home, into your arms, where I feel the most safe.
