Inspired by Dreaming of Sunshine by Silver Queen
"Death is the beginning of immortality." - Maximilien Robespierre
New Beginnings
Michael's story
It should have been easy. I should have just done it. It being a simple surgery; It was a simple operation with a low risk. An inguinal hernia. Even without surgery I should have been fine. Maybe it was my fault. I had it for months, but I didn't do anything about it. I had no insurance, I was still in college; but that was no excuse. I should have done something. Should have, should have, should have..
Instead, I ignored it and focused on school, I gave up my foolish dreams of boxing for school. So my mom would stop having to work so damn hard every day. So my family would stop being so poor, so…miserable. To have a better life.
I failed.
I ignored my body and focused so hard on finishing college as fast as possible that my hernia ended up becoming strangulated. Cut off from my blood supply the piece of intestine became necrotic; a festering piece of death that would cause me to die quick and painfully. Only two weeks after graduating I collapsed in pain while hanging out with my brother. The pain was unbearable; it felt like acid was eating through me. All I remember as I scratched the floor in pain was how stupid I was. It seemed like a recurring theme in my life that I would make a mistake that would come back to bite me. Though this time I wouldn't be able to fix it.
After blacking out everything became a blur. I heard sirens, faces, white blinding light. It was like being stuck in a dream, yet the pain was there to remind me that it was real. Not even the painkillers they gave me did anything, I just felt like I was being burned alive from the inside out. The necrosis had spread outside the herniated section and into the larger part of my intestines. If the section wasn't removed it would spread to the rest of my body. I overheard this all while I was being pushed on a stretcher into the surgery room. Before the anesthesia put me under, I remember thinking, "Why was I so stupid?"
That was the last thought of my life.
After that it was darkness. A pitch black so profound I can't find the words to do it justice: it was simply black in the purest sense. Maybe it was because I didn't even have eyes so I couldn't see. Maybe it was limbo, a place in between. Maybe I didn't even exist. Whatever it was it lasted a long time. Days, weeks, months, years. I couldn't tell you how long I spent there alone, but it felt like an eternity. Slowly I felt my mind become relaxed and calm. The closest feeling I could describe it to be was…peaceful. All I needed was to let go…to give in…I lived a good life...Nothing seemed to ever go right, but I always tried my best…A good li…
Then the memories hit me. Living in poverty. Being bullied. Fighting for respect. Fighting in self-defense. Fighting for nothing. Being forced to join a boxing gym. For the first time I felt alive. I trained hard. I wanted to be something. I had talent. Coach said it would still take years. I became Golden Glove Champ. Happiness. Trainer dies. He was like surrogate father. Despair. Twenty and my hopes destroyed. Don't give up. Go to college instead of continuing with other trainers. Bond not the same. I throw myself into school. No money, but work hard at part-time job. Humiliated constantly at both work and college. Struggle on, but in depression. I never give up. My friend suggests weightlifting. Shouldn't have listened to him, weight was too much. I deadlift 300, but after my insides feel like fire. Stupid, so stupid. I wasn't ready. Graduation. Mom happy. I did it. I did it.
I die. Not fair. Not fair.
All wrong.
Life isn't fair. Nothing is perfect. Get over it. I heard a mocking voice say, even though I had no ears.
Rage. All I felt was unbridled rage, even though I had no body. My eyes widened, yet I had no eyes. I breathed deeply even though I had no nose or lungs. I yelled as hard as I could, even though I had no mouth.
I NEVER BELIEVED IN THAT BULLSHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!
A child's mentality. Life is full of misery, this is the truth.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GIVE UP! THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU STOP LIVING!
Says the dead man. You had lost all hope in the end, yet you lecture me about hope?
MY DREAM MAY HAVE DIED, BUT I NEVER GAVE UP LIVING! I NEVER GAVE UP HOPING FOR A BETTER FUTURE!
Again. You lecture me about life? Do you know wha-
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU ARE! YOU HEAR ME?! I MAY BE DEAD, BUT I WON'T DISAPPEAR LIKE A WHIMPERING DOG! I ALREADY LIVED THROUGH ENOUGH ASSHOLES LIKE YOU IN LIFE! I'M TIRED OF IT! I WON'T TAKE IT IN DEATH!
It seemed liked another eternity passed, but it just as well could have been seconds. I had no frame of reference; time might have well not existed. This thing could have been god; worse the devil. Yet, I didn't care. I wasn't satisfied with simply keeling over anymore. I wasn't going to die if it meant fading away with the last thing I hear being insults. I no longer felt at peace, I no longer wanted to simply disappear. I be damned if I was going give this asshole the satisfaction. Do whatever terrible things, but don't belittle me in my last moments.
In retrospect I probably shouldn't have insulted a god-like entity.
Hahaha…oh my. You are an interesting character. Not many people can face the unknown so…eloquently. I have a feeling even if you knew what I was you would not care.
What are ya, god or something?
Ahhh. If only you knew. Hmm. No, I will give you a second chance. You are right, your life was not fair in many ways, as is everyone's. But you refused to give in to hopelessness, even during the worst. This is something I can respect. We will see if you can maintain it.
It felt as though the hairs on the my non-existence back had stood up.
I cannot give you your old life back. The event is set and can never be changed. But I can give you a new life, a new world, new opportunities and a new reality to live life once again.
What are you talking about? What do you mean a new reality? Funny how cursing out a mysterious entity of unknown (of most likely extraordinary) power didn't bug me. What god? Not a problem...Getting revived into a new, unknown world?
Fucking terrifying.
It is only natural to fear resurrection. Death is the final rest, but new opportunities can lead to new dangers…and new despairs…
I felt true fear, a fear that I don't think I ever encountered when I was alive. I had fought multiple times, in the street and the ring. I've been chased down by both police and gang members. All those times added together was no where near close to this fear. How powerful was this thing?
You have no idea the scope of my power. Death is a reprieve, a reprieve you will wish you had taken. Time for new beginnings. Time for new ends. Time for new pain. It will be entertaining to see your actions. Hahaha…
What do you mean? Come back!
Hahaha….
And then silence. The darkness was the same, but for some reason it felt suffocating. I called out into the nothingness, not sure if I was even saying anything. For the…being to talk again, for anything to speak. I felt myself begin to madden. What if I stay like this forever? What if this was the end, this was my death? To be nothing…
Wait, it said I would be reborn, it wouldn't lie to me. Right?
What if it was simply giving you false hope?
I immediately started to panic. For all the courage I had before I felt absolute terror at the prospect of being alone in this...nothing forever; stuck with only my thoughts and painful memories. Trapped forever with my failures and the thought of my wasted of life; never feeling anything ever again but my own mental torture. I started to scream.
For a time I think I went insane. I just yelled and thrashed in the darkness, hoping that something, anything would happen. Nothing ever did though, I was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. It made me appreciate the company of people. That quickly disappeared into jealousy of the living and then rage for how people wasted their lives, never living up to their potential. Just like me.
Just like me.
After a while I just stopped. When I say stop, I mean I just stopped. I stopped thinking, stopped feeling, stopped remembering. I was just an inert…thing. Soon the darkness would take me. Soon I would no longer be me, I would be the nothing that I was trapped in…
NO!
A bright light flashed in front of me, I felt pain. I felt, something, anything, everything! The light was blinding, there was movement, oh god so much movement. And the noise was deafening and, at the same time everything sounded muted, as though I had earmuffs on. I started to cry. Partly from the pain I felt all over my body and the searing, burning pain I felt in my lungs. But that wasn't the main reason for my tears. I mainly cried because I could feel again. I was alive again. I existed.
And I just kept crying and crying until I started to drift off into sleep. I felt myself be put on to something soft, with such care and tenderness I cried even harder. The softness lulled me to sleep. I remember, and I remember it well. The cloth was soft, softer than anything I had ever felt in my life.
I would forever remember the memory of my birth. My rebirth. And forever hold onto that cloth. But most chilling of all, I would remember the words that echoed from everywhere as I slipped into the dreaming…
Hahaha. You can't blame me for trying…
Being a baby was a strange experience, especially since this was the first time I was lucid as a baby. The first few days were a blur, specifically because my eyes were not developed at all. I'm surprised to say, but the sight we take for granted? Yeah, babies have to adapt to it. It felt like I was seeing through beer bottles, everything was out of focus and messy as hell. Anything that wasn't right up to my face was too blurry to make out, but one of the first images I saw was my parent's faces. They shoved me right into their faces any chance they got, and to be honest I didn't mind it. I felt happy every time I saw their faces. They were my parents; even if it was a new life. Though, deep down, my heart still ached for my original family.
I found out my parents were Asian looking, and most likely I was Asian looking. It gave me a clue, but not a clear picture of where I was. All I could do was wait until my body grew more. I was essentially in a blind, deaf and helpless body.
I'd like to say the first few months of my life were interesting, or that being a baby was a fascinating experience, but it wasn't. I felt like I was trapped in a doll that pooped and pissed uncontrollably. That was completely defenseless and that was constantly being taken care of. It felt humiliating until...I resigned myself to it, at which point I just started enjoying it. I was constantly fed, cleaned, and taken care of so I couldn't really complain. I learned through my touch and balance that my mom wasn't the only one taking care of me; there were multiple people that were caring for me. Most likely it was a nanny or babysitter, so I came to the conclusion my parents were somewhat wealthy. I might have been born at home since I never felt like I was in a hospital environment.
Thank god I managed to see my parent's faces. I might have jumped to the conclusion I was born in Bruce Wayne's body. That would have been right up that bastard's alley.
After the first month my hearing developed enough that everything stopped sounding like I had earmuffs on. Unfortunately I found that I did not understand anything anyone was saying, but the language sounded distinctly Asian. Like Japanese, Chinese, Korean and a whole bunch of languages put together. I only knew English and Spanish in my past life, and so I was still stuck having to learn the language. I remember my father playing with me, grabbing me out of the crib and tickling me, making me laugh and smile like a parent ought to. It felt nice to feel loved. I remembered his rough beard and long hair when he rubbed his face into my belly. I always grabbed onto his hair and pulled; he'd laugh and say some words as my mom would unwind my fingers from his hair.
It was when I was three months old that I finally knew where I was. My eyes had developed enough to see past a few inches and I saw a symbol hanging above the door to my room. The background was red, and in the middle was a black, tear shaped fire symbol.
It was the fire nation symbol.
I was in Avatar: The Last Airbender.
I was born in the fire nation to noble parents.
Oh fuck.
Clement's story
"Shotgun!" John called as soon as he ran out of the bar, running towards the parking lot like he was on a boat that was about to capsize. Behind him were both Eddie and Clement. Eddie was the clown of the group. Even though his face always seemed angry, he could make anyone laugh. His size didn't help matters; he was around six feet tall and overweight for his height. Clement on the other hand was taller, darker, quite handsome, very much in shape and very much drunk. John was the odd one of the group. While Eddie was brown and Clement was as dark as midnight, John was as white as paper and as thin as a toothpick. He was tall, lanky and nerdy looking; something that could not be said about the other trio was an odd group, one that seemed impossible at first glance; yet they were as close as any group of friends could be.
The three of them had and various others had planned to hit a bar in celebration of John's birthday. Everyone else had left around twelve. The trio on had stayed until three in the morning.
"Hell no I'm shotgun!", Eddie shouted as he ran towards the car, only to slip and fall forward. He caught himself before he smashed his face on the asphalt. The big guy simply stayed there on the floor thinking it was good place to sleep. Clement simply shook his head and laughed. John, on the other hand, laughed uncontrollably and hurled insults at his big friend.
"He can't get up, fucking moron! Hahaha!"
"That's what she said." Eddie instantly came back in response. Insults were passed around between them more than compliments most of the time.
"Oh my goooood. Just get in the car already!" Clement said, obviously feigning anger at his friends. The ride back was thirty minutes away and John lived fifteen minutes away from the bar to begin with. He didn't want to stay in a parking lot forever.
"You mad Clement?" John said in his typical internet troll attitude. As much as they treated each other like crap, this was typical behavior for the group.
"Shut up and get in the car before I make you walk."
"You won't!" John said before hopping into the car. Eddie entered as well after deciding the middle of a parking lot wasn't comfortable enough to sleep.
Clement had drank his fair share of alcohol. He was always good at holding his liquor, but even he underestimated his ability. He may have been a talented athlete, but the road didn't care. His car didn't give him any protection as he swerved onto the wrong lane and into a truck.
And now he floated in the aether: the void where nothing existed, yet where he now resided. It was here where his thoughts began to wander.
Why did I do that? Why did I drive?! If Clement could have he would have punched himself. But he was simply a mind. And as such he was helpless to do anything but think.
Tsk, Tsk. Such a waste of potential. All ended in a single, ill-thought out decision. Such a waste. Yet, such sweet despair...
Clement agreed. It was a stupid idea. He had never driven drunk before, but thought it wouldn't be so hard. He had felt fine. He had severely overestimated himself when he decided to drive. Now he was simply dead.
So quiet. So unlike your friend, hahaha.
Friend? What did he mean by friend? John? Eddie? Did they die too? He could handle dying from his own mistake, but his friends?! How could he do something so stupid! Clement simply wanted to disappear…
Ah. You will not have that choice. Because I will be giving you a new life, a new beginning. Your friend passed by here not too long ago. Rather belligerent, but very strong willed. He had... convinced me to give him another chance at life. I am rather bored and could use some entertainment.
What was it talking about? Strong willed and belligerent? That sounded more like John than Eddie, he always spoke his mind.
But reincarnation? The situation was so beyond anything he had ever encountered that he didn't know what to say, so he simply stayed quiet.
I will take your silence as a yes. Not that you had any choice to begin with. Hehehe. I am an abstract deity, a being composed of an idea or concept. I represent Despair, and your despair has drawn me to you and your friend. There is no afterlife in this part, so you mortals simply fade away into nothing. You and your friend are one of very few that were capable of existing in the nothing, even if it is for such an infinitesimal amount of time. You should feel honored someone such as I would take interest in you little things.
How is that possible? For Clement it felt like eternity had passed before the voice spoke to him. How could it say almost no time had passed?
Hahaha. My, the aren't you the quiet one... So tiny and insignificant, yet you creatures may provide some entertainment. Even beings such as myself become bored. And it is not every day that creatures like you can survive outside a reality.
Clement felt a chill. It shouldn't have been possible. He had no body, yet he felt a gamut of emotions pass through him. Fear, loneliness, confusion, sadness and countless more. But the most powerful of all was despair.
You do not know despair yet! Behold! True despair!
And Clement saw the truth of the universe. The infinite infinities that composed everything. Infinite lives. Infinite worlds. Infinite choices and infinite consequences. An infinite number of deaths and an infinite number of births.
And in the end they all amounted to nothing.
He began to cry. He flailed out and grasped. He held on and gripped hard. He was born again.
Yet he wished he were dead.
