Captain Barbossa and his Monkey

One day aboard the Black Pearl, Captain Barbossa sat debating whether to molest his first or second mate. His faithful monkey, Jack, sat beside him giving himself a manicure.
"Do you think my barnacle acne makes me look bloated?" Barbossa asked Jack.
Well, monkeys don't talk and Barbossa is an opium addict so Jack just kept on filing away on his nails.
"Uh. Alright then."
Barbossa was deeply hurt by the silent treatment that Jack was giving him so Barbossa went up to the front of the ship and thought about flower arranging. You see, Barbossa acted all tough but he really wanted to be more feminine. Lately he had been wearing a silk scarf underneath his huge hat and blush on his cheeks. Suddenly Jack came up to him.
"I'm sorry Barbossa."
"Oh you can talk!"
They stood together at the front of the ship.
"Here close your eyes and put your arms out, don't worry I won't let you go.
"Oh Jack!"
They kissed.
"I'm king of the world! WOOOOOH!"
"Shh Jack someone will hear you!" -Later-
Jack and Barbossa were enjoying each other's company in Barbossa's quarters when Barbossa had an idea.
"Jack I want you to draw me in this, and only this."
Barbossa held out his Aztec gold coin.
Jack took out a sketchpad and drew Barbossa and his barnacle acne. Jack was kind of disgusted by Barbossa's naked body but he drew him anyways.

-The Next Day-
Jack and Barbossa had spent the night massaging oil into each other's hair and Jack gave Barbossa a facial and brushed his teeth because lets face it, he needed it. Badly. Anyways, Barbossa decided that when he got to Port Royal he was going to undergo a sex change operation and change his name to Rose.
"I'm getting off with you Jack."
Unfortunately, tragedy was about to strike. A huge ice cube was floating around the port. The Black Pearl was heading straight at it. When the lookout dude realized they were going to hit, he didn't do anything because he had a hangover and was pregnant. The Black Pearl ran right into the ice cube and began to sink.
Barbossa and Jack were thrown into the ocean and Barbossa or "Rose" floated upon a random piece of floating door.
"Never let go Jack never let go."
Well Jack was already dead since he overdosed on Barbossa's opium
"NoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!" Barbossa floated on his piece of door until he reached Tahiti and ran away with a parrot. They had bastard children till Barbossa's testicles fell off. The End.