The New Girl - A parody of Harry Potter fanfiction. Have fun, don't kill me.
There was movement at the station, for the word had passed around that there was a new girl joining Hogwart's school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
In his usual compartment on the Hogwarts Express with Hermione (and Ron), Harry pressed his nose against the glass and looked out at Platform 9 3/4.
"Do you see her?" Ron asked. No one answered him, because no one ever cares what the sidekick has to say.
"Do you see her?" Hermione asked. As the token love interest, she was slightly more important than Ron was.
"Yes," said Harry.
The new girl was tall, slender, and rather obviously stunning. Long straight raven-black hair fell over her right shoulder. However, on the left-hand side of her head, short platinum hair was gelled into spikes. The reason for this rather bizarre style was that the author couldn't decide which extreme would be cooler, so she had opted out and chosen both.
As the girl turned to face the train, her eyes met Harry's. An electric jolt went through him, and smoke came out his ears (nobody noticed this but Ron, but nobody noticed that Ron noticed because Ron simply wasn't worth noticing). The girl's right eye was silver and her left eye was emerald green. Again, this was due to the indecisiveness of the author.
Harry swallowed; his mouth suddenly dry. He lapsed into a dream sequence . . .
The girl was smiling at him coyly. Out of her right shoulder blade grew a white angel wing, out of her left a black demon's wing. I'm sure you know why this was. She stepped closer to Harry, raising a pale hand to trace the line of his lightening bolt scar. She leaned in slowly, and was just about to kiss him when -
The dream sequence cut at a convenient interruption from Hermione.
"Harry?"
"Mmm?"
"Nothing. I forgot what I was going to say."
"You were going to ask why he was drooling against the window," Ron said, but of course no one noticed because . . . you know by now.
Harry looked back out of the window but couldn't see the girl. Suddenly there was a knock at the door of their compartment. They all turned around.
The girl was in the doorway.
"Hi," she said, not in the least bit shy. "My name's Mary-Sue O'So-cool. What's your name?"
Harry gawped. "You mean you don't know me?"
"No, I only moved into this country a month ago, how could I know you?"
"Never mind," he stammered. "I'm Harry Potter."
"I'm Hermione Granger."
"I'm Ron Weasley."
"Hi Harry, Hi Hermione, pleased to meet you. Mind if I sit down?"
"Not at all."
Mary-Sue sat down, tossing the long part of her hair over her shoulder. Harry tried not to drool.
"Where are you from?" asked Hermione.
"Australia. My family just moved here."
"Did you go to a wizarding school there?"
"No, I didn't even know I was a witch until last Tuesday."
"Really?"
Harry just stared while Hermione kept the conversation going.
"Yes. I'm kind of worried seeing I don't know the first thing about magic."
"You'll catch up," Hermione smiled. "It's only four years work you've missed out on."
"Thanks, you guys are such great friends." And of course this was a perfectly okay thing to say, because this was a Mary-Sue fanfiction after all, and everyone knows that things were allowed to happen that didn't make the slightest bit of sense.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ahem, sorry. Got a bit carried away...
The whole school sat in the Great Hall, watching as Mary-Sue made her way up the centre aisle. Every eye was on her, and many of the boys, and a few girls, were trying hard not to stare. As she reached the teacher's table Dumbledore stood up, smiling widely.
"Welcome back everyone to another fun filled year. As you've obviously noticed, we have a new student with us, Mary-Sue O'So-cool. I'm sure you will all make her welcome. Now, where's that sorting hat got to?" he trailed off, glancing around for the hat.
"Uh, Professor," Mary-Sue pointed, "It's on your head."
"Ah yes, so it is." He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the hat. "Float-osa." The hat floated up, across toward Mary-Sue, then landed on her head. And said nothing.
Silence. Mary-Sue faced the whole school, her hands shaking just a little bit.
Harry realised he was holding his breath. (His face was turning purple.)
Then the hat took a deep breath and spoke.
"She's going to go into . . . "
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To Be Continued!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The author sits back with an evil cackle rubbing her hands together.
"Mwhahahaha!!!!!! This will buy me time to decide which house I, sorry, she will go into!!! Or maybe I should ask the reviewers to vote????"
A pause. The author's conscience speaks up.
"Oh come on, don't have a cliffhanger this soon. You know you want to continue. Just finish the damn chapter already."
"Fine, fine." With a sigh, the author continues typing . . .)
"Gryffindor!" yelled the hat.
The Gryffindors began clapping and cheering like they had when Harry first came, except they said 'We got O'So-cool' instead of 'We got Potter'. The rest of the school sulked for no apparent reason.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ sorry, sorry. I did it again. :b
It was in their first Potions class that Mary-Sue met Draco. You see, the author (who is rather silly) couldn't think of a way to include Draco earlier. Also, she couldn't think of how to make the Potions lesson interesting. So she thought, 'Hell. Let them duel in the middle of class, that will take up time!!!!!'
Draco sneered at Mary-Sue.
"So you're the new girl."
"Yes. I am."
Draco sneered.
"Is there something wrong with your face?"
Draco would have stopped sneering but at that moment the wind changed.
"No, he's always like that," Ron said helpfully. Of course no one noticed.
At that moment Snape entered the room, grease dripping from his hair. He snarled at the class and began to lecture them about something vague and dangerous, but he didn't notice Mary-Sue and Draco glaring at each other in the back row.
"I challenge you to a wizard's duel."
"Fine," Mary-Sue said. Despite only knowing she was a witch since last Tuesday, she seemed to know exactly what a wizard's duel was. "Hermione's my second."
"Harry's my second."
"What?" Harry frowned. "We're enemies. Why should I support you?"
"Uhh . . . " Draco blushed. Suddenly Harry noticed how attractive Draco was . . .
"Hold on!" Hermione yelled. Snape went right on teaching, pausing only to deduct 50 points from Gryffindor. "Harry, until thirty seconds ago, you hated Malfoy's guts. Don't tell me you - "
"Sorry, but I do. I love him. Malfoy, uh Draco, I love you."
At that moment the wind changed again and Draco stopped sneering to smile sweetly at Harry.
"Wonderful, now I can declare openly my love for you instead of hiding in the closet, ahem, I mean shadows. No longer must I write unsigned love letters to you, I can sing my poetry to the world!"
"Hey," Ron protested, "I'm in love with Harry. You can't love him."
"Hey," Hermione protested, "I'm in love with Harry. You can't love him."
"I can so!"
"No you can't," Mary-Sue pulled out her wand, glaring at them all. "I'm his one true love! Why do you think I even turned up in this stupid story?"
Snape seemed about to add something to their discussion when Harry raised his wand too.
"No way Professor. I draw the line at Hermione, if you try say you love me I think I'll be sick."
"And he won't be the only one," but of course no one noticed Ron's rather bad joke.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor Potter," then Snape returned to growling at his class.
"Okay," Draco reasoned. "Who votes we duel for Harry's love?"
"Oh man, not again." All heads turned as a teenage boy in muggle clothes appeared in the doorway. He ran his hands through his nondescript mousy brown hair. "I am so sick of having to fix this up. Won't you kids ever learn that you can't break all these rules?"
"Who are you?" asked Mary-Sue.
"I'm Blake Reality. I'm sorry that I have to ruin your little game here, but this time it's gone way too far."
(The author gapes at the screen as her hands continue typing independent of her brain (though that was hardly a rare occurrence).
"What's that evil boy doing in my work of art?")
"Thank God someone's here to sort all this out," Hermione smiled.
"You're as guilty as the rest," Blake snapped. "I am really getting sick of you all acting so stupidly."
Blank faces faced him. He sighed, pulling out his wand from the belt of his jeans.
"Okay, I'll fix Ron first."
"Oh my God!" Ron yelled. "You can see me?"
"Of course I can see you."
"Is he talking to himself?" Mary-Sue whispered to Hermione.
"Fix-up-atum!"
"Hey!" Harry stared at the red haired boy who was suddenly beside him. "Who are you?"
"Ron Weasley, I'm your best friend."
"Pull the other one."
"You're next Harry," Blake raised his wand.
"Next for what?"
"Fix-up-atum!"
Harry froze. Slowly, a look of intelligence formed in his eyes. He looked around the room, dazed. "Ron!" he cried. "I know you! Why didn't I recognise you before?"
"You were under a curse Harry," Blake explained. "The curse of the bad fanfiction."
(The author's eyes roll back in her head as her fingers continue to type against her will.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")
One by one, Blake fixed the others. Draco leapt away from where he'd been draped over Harry, Hermione's IQ raised above average again, and Snape realised there was a strange boy in his classroom and that no one was listening to him rant about daisies.
"Now," Blake turned to Mary-Sue, who raised her arms above her head.
"Please don't hurt me!"
"Oh come off it. We all know you couldn't possibly exist."
"Wha-why not?" she stammered, still looking impossibly gorgeous.
"Well, just look at yourself." The other students looked closer at the new girl. "You're smarter than Hermione, more powerful than Harry, a better friend than Ron, and you can face off Draco without even losing your cool. Plus you're impossibly gorgeous. I'm sorry Mary-Sue but you're just too good."
"Oh. Darn."
"Plus you're incapable of swearing."
"I am not!"
"Enough of this. Fix-up-atum!"
With a poof, Mary-Sue O'So-cool disappeared from the face of the earth. Blake smiled.
"Sorry to interrupt your class Professor, but I had to lift a curse. Bye now!"
And he left.
(The author sits forward, breathing heavily. She regains control of her hands and attempts to repair the story. But at every attempt, pain lances through her fingers and she cannot delete what Blake Reality did.
So she gives up and just writes her author's notes at the end.)
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Well, I hope you enjoyed my oh so wonderfully cool ficcy! ^_^ I loved Mary-Sue, did you? And Draco and Harry would be so cute together huh? Pity nasty-person Blake spoiled things for them ... grrrrr.
Aaaaany way, PLEASE REVIEW THIS FIC! IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME! I'll give you cookies if you do, or donuts, or chocolate, or apples if you're on a diet.
Aaaaand seeing I am so amazingly cool, if ne1 criticises my work of art I will either delete their review or flame them right back, mwhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luv yas!
REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!
~ The Author
(Now for the REAL author's apologies - This is purely in fun, and not meant to offend anyone. It's simply a collection of some things that bug me in fanfiction writing, specifically the Harry Potter fandom. Please don't take it to heart, but if you do . . . flamers will be arrested on grounds of arson. ::smiles sweetly:: I hope you enjoyed this, I certainly enjoyed writing it. Oh, and Blake Reality isn't meant to be me, although I'd love to pop up and make all Mary-Sue's disappear for good. See you 'round.)
