Chapter 1 - It's Ya Boi, Peeves!

Authoress' Note: So I am currently without a computer to call my own. I originally intended to post this on January 1st, but since I have a computer right now I figured I'd do it bit early. And writing fanfiction on my phone just does not work for me. Enjoy! -MickyTheSupernaturalMouse

Year 1

It all started with Snape's speech to his Gryffindor and Slytherin class.

Now, dearest reader, it's important to note that this does not occur within the confines of the so-called "canon" universe made up of twisted vines of well woven plot with subtle but powerful plot points made clear only years later by someone analyzing it on Tumblr. This is the universe where Hogwarts ended up creating memes about a decade and a half early.

(Of course, the muggle population made memes widespread in the 2000s with the introduction of social media and smartphones but that isn't important to the story. It's the 90s.)

Where were we? Oh yeah: Hogwarts had memes for one reason. Or more simply put, one person.

This person was Hermione Granger. Now, Hermione Granger was extremely smart and she could do a complete rhetorical analysis of "The Scarlet Letter" in thirty minutes that would score a nine on an AP exam by the age of nine, had she lived in America, so it's no surprise that she was able to utilize her knowledge and apply it to her desire for friendship amongst her magical peers.

The first instance was when a kind Hufflepuff student named Hannah Abbott requester Hermione's help in Charms. It was only a week into school but Hannah's specialty was Herbology, not Charms. And Hermione was good at everything she did.

"Hey, Hermione? I was wondering… would you be willing to tutor me in Charms? I didn't really under the theory that Professor Flitwick introduced…" Hannah asked, her feet slightly shuffling across the floor showing her nervousness. She had always been a tad bit shy.

Hermione, who had been reading a book while eating her Eggs Benedict, looked up and while the old, Primary School Era-Hermione would have simply said: "Sure, meet me in the library after the last period.", this was NOT that Hermione.

"Tutor you in Charms? I can teach you to SAUTÉ EXCELLENCE!" Hermione shouted. As she did this, she had stood and pointed at Hannah who was looking like a shocked anime character, and all the heads in the Great Hall - all thousand or so of them, turned to look at the two first years.

The first two to burst out laughing were the Twins. Snape has used that speech for every year, much like how McGonagall always recycled her welcoming speech for first years before their sorting and when explaining the dangers of Transfiguration.

"Well then -" started Fred.

" - I don't suppose that -" George continued.

" - you could teach us -"

" - how to flambé success -"

" - or bake brilliance?"

Ron, Harry, and unbeknownst to the rest of the Hall, Draco, snickered in amusion.


"Well class, we have a special guest today with us," Professor Kettleburn to his fifth year O.W.L.S class for Care for Magical Creatures. "It's Newt Scamander, famed magizoologist and author."

Percy Weasley immediately had a million questions.

"Aw, Professor, you're too kind." Mr. Scamander replied, his eyes drifting slightly to the ground. Even almost seventy years later, Newt still retained the social anxiety from his 20s.

(Not that I blame him. Society is cruel.)

"Mr. Sandwich?" a Slytherin that Percy still didn't actually know the real name of so he just referred to him as "Tight-Jeans Hank" because despite the Slytherin's magical upbringing, he had the strangest fascination with black skinny jeans (which Percy only knew about because of his father and his rigorous Muggle Studies class), questioned.

"His name is Newt Scamander," Percy hissed out. "Not that you know much of anything, Tight-Jeans Hank."

"Nasal Sauerkraut?" Tight-Jeans Hank replied.

Percy's face was red with fury. How could Tight-Jeans Hank possibly not know who Newt Scamander was? He wrote one of their textbooks for crying out loud. He aided Dumbledore in the defeat of Grindelwald in 1945.

(Charlie was a bit of a fanboy and passed his love onto Percy. One could only hear about Newt Scamander's escapades with Porpentina Goldstein and Jacob Kowalski so many times without becoming entranced by them.)

"Newt. Scamander." Percy repeated.

"Oh, I think I understood you that time." Tight-Jeans Hank said.

Percy sighed.

"So it's Nice Sparkler?"

Percy screamed while his class laughed at the interactions between the two. Unbeknownst to Percy, Tight-Jeans Hank was actually Oliver Wood who enjoyed pissing off Percy for the heck of it.

Meanwhile, Newt laughed at the various bad variations of his name. Tina would laugh at them, especially Nasal Sauerkraut.


"What is exactly is a Hufflepuff?"

It started off as a simple rhetorical question between Justin Finch-Fletchley and Cedric Diggory. It ended up becoming a meme.

"Well the first thing you need to know is that Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders." Cedric started. It was an inside joke in Hufflepuff started by a muggle born decades ago. "But anything can really be a Hufflepuff. A Niffler could be a Hufflepuff. A Slytherin could be a Hufflepuff in extremely rare circumstances and under the influence of mind-altering drugs."

He pointed to a potted plant. "That's a Hufflepuff."

And while inside jokes tended to stay within the confines of the Common Room, this one didn't.

"So what book are we looking for?" Susan Bones asked her lab partner, Padma Patil.

"Uh, 'The Beginner's Guide to Potion Making'." Padma replied.

"Sounds like it's a Hufflepuff." Susan offhandedly said.

It was a meme by dinner.

Year 2

While Draco did have a habit of saying "Potter!" whenever he wanted to get the (admittedly cute) Gryffindor scum's attention in First Year, it wasn't until their second year until he was screaming it across the Great Hall at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

It became so commonplace that what originally was: "Really, in front of my salad?" looks, everyone continued eating as if nobody had every shouted.

"POTTER!"

"WHAT?!"

"YOUR BREATH STINKS!"

"SO DOES YOURS. GET A BREATH MINT."


"LOCKHART!" someone screeched one morning in the Great Hall at breakfast as the golden haired liar strode through the aisle waving to his admirers.

Harry rolled his eyes and said to Ron: "I'm Lockhart. I just went to this town that somewhere in this mountain that I don't know the name of but it was really pretty but anyways when I was in this town I met this chick who complained about these birds that constantly stole the shingles from her roof because they were under the control of this dragon named Mushu but that's not the point and so her husband told me that the only way to get rid of this mind-controlling dragon was to give it water from the Fountain of Youth so I went to Peru to get water from the Fountain of Youth but in order to get that I had to wrestle a werewolf on the full moon and trample a Hippogriff with a flock of Thestrals who were spooked by this niffler who tried to steal all the gold in this Aztec temple that was there because he was allergic to the salt in the Pacific Ocean so I took the niffler back with me and the water to this mountain and after getting rid of the dragon the birds still took the shingles so the niffler went Super Saiyan on the birds and that's how I broke into Gringotts."

"That story was wild from beginning to end." Ron whistled. "Do you breathe?"

"Oxygen isn't required."

"Nothing you just said is able to be correct, Harry." Hermione chimed in.


"So what do we have due tomorrow?" Harry asked.

"Oh nothing much," Hermione started. "Just two projects for McGonagall, a lab for Snape, three essays for Flitwick, a rhetorical analysis on each of Lockhart's books for Lockhart, and I think that there's four tests tomorrow in Herbology. It's a good thing I started yesterday or I wouldn't get finished in time and be able to study for the Herbology exams."

"I think I'd rather be petrified." Ron whimpered. "I haven't started on anything."

Year 3

"Trust me. All cats are Minnie McGonagall." - Sirius Black


"Excuse me, are you Hermione Granger?" a Ministry employee asked as Hermione entered McGonagall's office.

"No, I'm Fred." Hermione replied. She was able to hold her countenance for about thirty seconds before bursting out with laughter. "Sorry, it's an inside joke. Is this about my classes for this year?"


"Now these lovely creatures are Hippogriffs." Hagrid told his first (OH MY MERLIN, MY FIRST CLASS!) class of students. "Very proud creatures, Hippogriffs are."

"Oh my Merlin," Lavender exclaimed. "They're leggy birbs!"

(That was trending by lunch.)


The only good thing that came with Remus Lupin's resignation was the fact that Colin Creevy had witnessed the most iconic moment of history and managed to record it AND capture Harry and Ron's gobsmacked expressions and Malfoy's utter shock.

Colin posted it all around the school for all to witness.

Gryffindor House led a parade for Hermione with her sitting on a chair from the common room transfigured into a throne and Percy conjured up a crown for her to wear. Crookshanks curled up on her lap for her to stroke and she was lifted up as if she was in a palanquin and shown off around the school. Fred and George (unbeknownst to Hermione, of course) bedazzled the back of Hermione's robes to said "Head Bookworm 1993" in red and gold.

Year 4

Due to the plethora of portkeys present in their fourth year, all the students started to point at random objects and claim to their friends that it was a portkey. A 'fun' challenge created by the "Do-It-For-The-Vine" Gryffindors was to touch the item pointed out by another and try to let it go before the "portkey" disappeared.

While everyone came out of it relatively unharmed, the challenge was shut down by the teachers when wizards from the Ministry in charge of organizing the events accidentally left a portkey laying around and two idiots did the challenge.

Letting go of a traveling portkey is not a good idea and can cause some major disembowelment.


"Today, we'll be learning about blast-ended skrewts." Hagrid tried to start his lesson.

"More like power bottoms." snarked Malfoy, watching one of the skrewts explode.

"Can't you just leave one magical creature with its actual name?" Hagrid cried. The entire school refused to call Hippogriffs anything other than 'leggy birbs'. It was so bad the most recent publication of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them included an updated Hippogriff entry… with one of their alternate names being 'leggy birbs'.

ONE YEAR LATER…

Edition #49 of FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM

Blast-Ended Skrewts - "Power Bottoms"

Year 5

"And Professor Twelranry -" whatever Umbridge was about to say was cut off by Ron Weasley looking like he was about to have a spazzim.

He was holding his Divination book - closed - and was waving it around in the air.

"AHHHH!" He screamed. "Professor! ON TUESDAY YOU WILL DIE OF AN INFECTED PAPERCUT!"

Umbridge's What-The-Hell look was well worth the detention he received though he could lived without Twelranry's praise of his seer abilities.

And on Tuesday, Umbridge was admitted into the hospital wing because she received many papercuts… all of which mysteriously became infected.

She didn't die.

Sadly.


"Professor, if I could make a speech?" Draco Malfoy asked one day after Professor Umbridge was appointed Headmistress.

"It's quite fine with me." Umbridge responed.

Draco smirked. While he and Potter certainly didn't get along (except for a few very intense make-out sessions in broom closets at all hours of the night that sometimes turned into bordlerine horizontal tango), he figured he could do this for him.

Besides, even he didn't like Umbridge and Potter and Dumbledore weren't exactly on the best of speaking terms at the moment…

"Dearest fellow students of Hogwarts. We have lost one of our most profillic mentors within the past couple of days. Professor Albert Penseive Walbert Beatrice Tanya Umar Lemon Sherbet Flamingo Richard Dumpsterfire was a truly inspirational teacher…"

All of the teachers - even the staunchest of Dumbledore's supporters - were crying with laughter at the end of Malfoy's two hour long speech which managed to horribly roast Dumbledore while still seeming like he was praising his accomplishments. Umbridge actually passed out due to lack of oxygen, so she was actually human and not completely toad, and Harry's face was red from his laughing and was streaked full of tears due to his laughter. His stomach ached from the two hours he spent laughing at Draco's speech.


Nobody really knew why by whenever Peeves entered a room from some point after the twins left, he just would always announce his presence by screaming out "It's ya boi, PEEVES!"

Year 6

"Now, we are actually going to talk about making up your own charms." Flitwick announced one day. "Does anyone have any ideas on how this is done?"

Hermione's hand stretched high into the sky while Ron huffed and said: "Can't you just say something like 'Make-Me-Bloody-Ancient-iosa' or something?"

"Mr. Weasley, I had hoped your six years at Hogwarts had taught you something more than just 'Wingardium Leviosa'. And that is not how charms are made. Hermione?"


"So, a shack gets to scream and it's all normal and haunted but when I do it, I'm disturbing class and a nuisance.'

Year 7

"You think this is the year with no memes?" asked one terrified fifth year.

"Nah. They'll come up with something." replied an equally terrified fourth year.

"I forgot on how much of a nuisance this damn tree was!" Hermione cried as she tried to get to the knot that froze the tree.

One of the branches whacked Harry right on his butt. "Spank me harder, Daddy." he muttered.

"WHAT?" Hermione and Ron yell, looking at Harry.

"Huh?" Harry responded.

"I feel like a terrifying meme was just created."