Rick stood on the back porch of his home overlooking the tall over grown grass in the backyard. It was a spot that he and Michonne have come to consider as "their spot" over the last several weeks. Now however, nothing felt right about this spot, this home, Alexandria; and most of all, he didn't feel right.
It had been one week since the family lost Daryl at the hands of the maniacal leader of the Saviors, Negan. Rick could still see it as clear as day; him on his knees forced to surrender; watching his family around him in clear and present danger. His love. His son. And he had been powerless. Any move he made would have been the wrong move. Fight back and die. Or worst, someone he loves dies right in front of him. Sadly, the latter is exactly what unfolded. He watched as the man he considered a brother was brutally and fatally slaughtered right in front of him.
As Negan and the Saviors walked away as if this was all just a run of the mill day for them, Rick remained on his knees in a paralyzed state, not breathing, not blinking, and not crying; as Negan so generously gave them permission to do. He was just an empty shell in that moment. Then he felt it. Her hands; on his face; smoothing back his hair, then helping him to his feet. Michonne. His Rock.
Speaking of his Rock, he felt her presence before she made herself known. She stopped at the door for a brief moment, and watched him as he watched, well, nothing really. And she knew that he was in deep thought, most likely carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. After a moment she walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his abs, interlocking her fingers in front of him. He loved to feel her strong, yet very feminine arms around him. "Hey you," he said as he absentmindedly rubbed her interlocked fingers with one of his free hands.
"Hey yourself," Michonne said as she placed a soft kiss on his left shoulder. "You've been out here for a while, so thought I'd come and check on you, maybe get you to come inside and have something eat. I just put Judy down, and Carl is in his room. So if you need more alone time I get it. I'll leave you be."
Rick felt her fingers begin to loosen as if she was ready to leave, so he quickly responded. He always felt better with her near. "No, no stay." He said as he stepped to the side so that he can put an arm around her. And in return she repositioned her arms around his waist from the side so that she could now rest her head on his shoulder. "Sorry, I didn't realize I was out here so long," he said as he placed a light kiss on her temple. "I was just out here thinking about stuff, and I guess I lost track of time. Thanks for handling things with Jud-"
"Rick" Michonne chimed in cutting him off. "I know I know," Rick conceded, "I don't have to thank you for taking care of the kids, but"…"well yes that's a given" she piped in, "but that's actually not what I was going to say. I was going to remind you of our conversation from the other day when you promised me you would take the time you need, figure things out, grieve in your own way like we've all been doing, and not make any apologies about it. Do you remember that conversation?" Michonne asked with a hint of a smirk, and an undercurrent of deep sadness on her face.
"I-I do," Rick admitted with a ghost of smile that failed to reach his eyes. "Thank you for allowing me the space, and the time. I know you're grieving to, and Carl…"
"Carl's going to be OK" Michonne offered. "He's tough, and he's resilient, like his dad," she said looking up to gaze in his eyes.
"That's just it Michonne, I'm not feeling very resilient. Something inside me feels broken. I can't explain it. I-" Rick paused. "What?" Michonne said with all the support she could muster, "Talk to me."
"I just keep seeing it," he continued, "all the blood, his face." A single tear trickled down Rick's cheek. Michonne reached up and wiped it away, trying like hell to stop her own tears that threatened to spill. She was determined to stay strong for him. "Every time I close my eyes I see him suffering, I see the faces of our family Michonne, the look of hopelessness on everyone's face. Carl, I couldn't protect him. You. I was supposed protect you." By this time more than a single tear was falling. "I'm supposed to be the leader. This is my fault. Daryl, Denise, all of it."
"Oh Rick," Michonne said as she turned to fully hug him, while losing her own battle with her tears. "It's not, but I know you. You have to feel your way through this. But please believe me when I tell this is not all on you. We all make decisions as a family. Whatever happens we all share the load, the good and the bad. They don't blame you Rick. Carl doesn't blame you. I don't. And Daryl, he wouldn't want you to blame yourself. I know it's hard to see it right now, but when we were out there, we were out of options. I think part of me was trying to will you telepathically to stay calm. I was hoping that our thing that we do, whatever it is, would kick in in that moment and you would read my mind."
As Rick listened to her speak, he wasn't sure whether it was her gentle tone that was soothing him, or just her undying support and belief in him, but he was slowly getting his emotions in order, though he had a long way to go. Her comment about their uncanny ability to read each other's mind even earned her a small, barely audible, chuckle.
"I glanced over to you at one point just as that asshole had that damn bat in your face," Michonne continued. "My instinct was to run over to your direction and kick the shit out of him, but that would've been stupid, and stupid would've gotten you killed. I controlled that urge, and I was hoping with everything I had that you would too. I hoped the same for Carl…he is his father's son after all," she looked up and smiled at him, which instantly resulted in a smile from him. He was coming around.
Turning serious once more she said, "Rick, you did what you had to to keep your family safe. Doing nothing in that moment, not reacting, that was the brave, and the smart thing to do. It was your only option, it was our only option. I know you; you're a man of action. And I know that you feel like you've failed, and that you didn't do enough out there. But the decision to not react was the right one. Yes, we lost Daryl, and that hurts like hell," she said closing her eyes briefly, "but one wrong move from anyone could have meant that we buried more of us, we could be burying Carl. You were not wrong," she ended.
A comfortable silence enveloped the couple as Rick allowed the weight of her words to sink in. They stood still, continuing the embrace they held throughout their talk. On an intellectual level, he knew her points were valid, and although he felt a little better, he still had doubts. Finally he spoke. "Michonne, I don't know how long it's going to take me to clear my head, and feel OK," he said looking down at her as she looked up and gazed into his eyes, "but I do know that I feel better just knowing that you're here. And I know, our mind-reading thang," he gave a light little laugh, "I felt it too. I just felt so helpless out there. I was thinking about you, and Carl; about how maybe I can talk to that fuck Negan, reason with him. Then I looked around at you and Carl, and the two of you were so brave, and calm, but I knew how scared you both must've been on the inside, how scared everyone must've of been. Then I thought to myself, protect them Rick, don't do anything stupid. It's like I heard your voice in my head. But then Daryl and,-…I don't know, it just felt like I made the wrong choice, and I've been second guessing myself ever since. But I know now, and you're right, I had no choice. And I realize now that that is pill that I can't quite swallow. Negan not only took away my brother...our brother," he unlocked one of his hands from his grasp around her and gestured toward her before reclaiming his grasp again, "but he took away our choices. We were damned no matter what."
"I know Rick," said Michonne. "And when we're ready, when they think they have us at full submission, that's when they're going to realize..." "Realize what?" asked Rick. "That's when they're going to realize that they screwed with the wrong people" she warned.
