The Art of Shipping – In which a rather GEN author tries her hand at writing various pairings. First chapter: NaruHina, HinaNaru, ShikaIno, ShikaTema, KakaIru, KakaSaku. Yes, this is complete and utter parody.


Behold, Riya's version of ...

... NaruHina

Naruto walked to the training grounds scratching his head.

"Oh, welcome," Sakura greeted him. "You're five hours late. You beat Kakashi-sensei in lateness. But that's fine, because it's not like we have anything to do. Or any missions to go on." Her eye twitched.

"I had to take Hinata to the infirmary," he explained, a blank look still stuck on his face. "I don't get it, why is she always fainting around me? Am I doing something wrong?"

"Not at all," Kakashi told him, calmly turning a page in his book. "That's just what some girls do when they want what's in your pants."

Sakura rubbed her face in her hands and narrowly resisted aiming a punch at her sensei, if only because he might actually take it head-on to prevent his precious book from being scuffed.

Naruto tilted his head to one side. After a long silence, he dug his hands into his pockets and brought them out, staring at the assorted collection of stuff he'd discovered. "Hmm, I've got ramen tokens, some string, and this old sock that I still have to wash." He looked up, "which of these does she want?"

Kakashi's book dropped to the ground. Sakura banged her head against the tree she leaned on.

"I bet it's the ramen tokens," their idiot teammate went on thoughtfully. "They're limited-edition."

.

... HinaNaru

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Naruto turned around, hands clasped loosely behind his head. "Hinata-chan! Why did you ask me to meet you here?" They stood in training ground eight, under the shade of a maple tree.

"B-Because this seemed like a good place to t-tell you," she tapped her fingers to together. "You see, I a-asked Neji-nii san and he said that if there's something I want, I should just t-take it."

He grinned, and gave her a thumbs up, "that's great advice!"

"So t-that's why you're going to be my l-lover." She stared ahead determinedly.

He blinked. "Lover?"

Hinata nodded sharply. "We're g-going to go on d-dates-"

"Wait wait wait-"

"-and d-do ecchi stuff-"

"Oi, isn't this a little fast?"

"-and right now, I made us a r-reservation at my favorite sushi bar. Because I t-tried to like ramen but it d-didn't work. So w-we're going to g-go eat sushi together."

He scratched his head. "But we aren't dating yet-"

"W-we are now!"

"But-"

"You h-have no say in this, N-Naruto-kun!"

.

... KakaIru

It was on a rather bright day that Umino Iruka dismissed his class of terrors with a great sigh of relief. He watched as the brats – the bright young potential of the shinobi world – filtered out of the classroom, leaving him thankfully alone. The undiluted silence was blissful.

That was when he noticed that there was a presence at the window. Iruka was unusually perceptive for a chunin – it came with being Konoha's residential paperwork ninja – and quickly realized that this person wasn't exactly trying to hide himself, at least not very well. He spun around to see one Hatake Kakashi propped up lazily against the windowsill, book in one hand.

"Ah, Kakashi-san. I haven't seen you in a while," he smiled. "How have you been doing?"

There was a long pause before the man answered. "Reading."

Iruka winced. His former taichou's nefarious literary choices were well known among lesser shinobi. Most simply brushed it off as another piece of evidence supporting the theory that shinobi-strength was directly proportional to lunacy.

Despite his better judgment, he smiled politely, "I see. Anything other than Icha Icha Tactics?"

"Maa … yes, actually."

Iruka brightened.

"… Jiraiya-sama released a new book."

Iruka sighed. Well, it was only to be expected. He ran a hand though his hair, "well, what is it this time? More about Jio's adventures with nurses?"

Kakashi wordlessly held up the cover of the book.

It read, "Icha Icha Academy"

"It's actually the best one in the series. I thought I would visit to see how you were doing-"

Iruka ran.

.

... ShikaIno

"Oi, Shikamaru, get off your lazy butt. We have to leave in ten minutes."

"Eh? Why ten?"

"Because everything closes at nine, baka!"

"Then we'll start in two hours."

"At eight-thirty?!"

"Exactly. You're a shinobi, you can run quickly."

"I like to shop at my own pace!"

"This is turning out to be troublesome. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer Chouji? I'd even go to the trouble of setting you up with him."

"I asked Chouji first and you purposely ruined our date!"

"…"

Ino sighed, and pulled at his arm. "In your actions, the fact that you went to the trouble to do that is as much of a declaration of eternal love as you're ever going to give. Get up, I need at least two hours."

"No. I'm not going to help you shop for clothes. I did not sign up for that. I really don't care what you wear as long as it's not too troublesome to take off."

.

... KakaSaku

On Sakura's eighteenth's birthday, her kind, considerate sensei had decided to give her a present that would help enlighten her mind and expand her horizons.

The still-wrapped copy of Icha Icha Paradise sat untouched on her desk.

But since he was no longer her sensei, and since Naruto and Sasuke were now joined at the hip in more ways than she liked to consider, he didn't let the topic drop. So during their team-seven training sessions (which involved Sasuke and Naruto engaging in epic battles while he and Sakura sat under a tree in a lull of light conversation) …

"For the last time, sensei, I'm not interested in reading those books," Sakura huffed.

He gave her a saddened look. "But I need someone to discuss plot theories with, and Gai won't go anywhere near it."

"Plot? What plot? It's all just smut!"

"There is an interesting plot interwoven into that 'smut', Sakura. And now that you're eighteen and they won't throw me in prison for it, it's time you recognized literary value."

"I'm not a closet-pervert like you, sensei," she shot back. Although, the ever-present claws of curiosity had already latched onto her.

"Maa, I recognized the budding pervert in you immediately. Remember that one day when we camped by the borders of Tsuchi for a mission with Naruto, and you made all those interesting noises in your sleep?"

She reddened and promptly threw a handful of grass in his face, "don't remember those things!"

"Try it. You only have to read the first issue. I'm quite certain that you'll like it. And then I can discuss my theory of why Jio and Miyu will never be together."

"Argh!"

When she returned to her apartment after training, the book looked back at her from the desk. Menacingly. Questioningly. Challengingly.

She read the damn thing.

Next day afternoon, training ground seven, amid the sounds of Naruto and Sasuke's epic battle of quotidian:

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"What is it, Sakura?"

She cleared her throat, before bringing out the book she'd been hiding behind her back. She opened to a dog-eared page. "Your theory is wrong. That 'red glint' that Jiraiya-sama writes of here is Jio's family heirloom ring, and Miyu has found it. Then according to the legend, she will become his wife. Katsue, however, will probably end up running off with her lover from Kaminari."

There was silence in the shade beneath the tree. Kakashi held the book between trembling fingers.

"Oh," Sakura stated. "I've kind of just ruined your life, haven't I, sensei?"

He nodded wordlessly.

She flipped hastily to a different page. "But on the bright side, he and Katsue have a bond! She's the first person to ever do … um … this," she jabbed her finger at the paragraph detailing the act, "with him. I mean, he has loads of smut scenes with Miyu, but they never do … whatever's happening here."

His shoulders relaxed infinitesimally, "maa, well they have that, at least. I should ask Jiraiya-sama about your theory. Maybe that red glint was actually referring to the necklace her previous lover gave her. It was red, wasn't it?"

"Purple," she winced.

"Ah."

There was silence once again. After a long while of lip-biting, Sakura turned towards him and held the book up. "Um, sensei?"

"Hm?"

She pointed to the same paragraph, "how exactly do you … um … do this thing? Have you ever …?"

Kakashi blinked.

.

... ShikaTema

Summit building on neutral land, five hundred kilometers west of Hi no Kuni. Meeting of the Five Kage:

The five kage had gathered for the sole purpose of discussing new international treaty papers after the war, since the old ones were frankly quite outdated. What had they decided after three hours?

Nothing. Not a single thing. In fact, the Tsuchikage hadn't been able to get a single word in since the beginning.

Why?

Because the Kazekage and Hokage had their own issues to grace the meeting with.

"I will not," Gaara enunciated, "allow Temari to leave Suna. She is my sister and council member, and she is an integral part of Suna's continued operations."

"Well, that's too bad for you, kid," Tsunade seethed. She had one arm propped up against the table, and was returning her most potent glare. "Shikamaru is staying put."

The silence that graced the room was deadly. Finally, the Mizukage sighed and rubbed her face. "Just tell the two to break it off, Kazekage, Hokage. If they're going to cause this much trouble, then I think it's fair to sacrifice their relationship for the greater good."

Two sets of eyes were turned on to her with looks of stunning intensity.

"… On the other hand, true love is a great force that should never be tampered with. Please, continue wasting our time. We really have nothing better to do."

The sets of eyes returned to glaring at each other. In the other seat, the Raikage – who had little brain-matter to his name – was utterly confused and unable to read between such fine lines.

"There is no issue," Tsunade said slowly. The table cracked slightly under her hand, "Shikamaru and Temari will live in Hi no Kuni where they are supposed to. Shikamaru will retain his position as my head of Strategy, and Temari will be offered Jonin status."

"I disagree, Tsunade-sama, because that would include my sister not being on my council where she has always wanted to be."

"Well your proposal would allow my head of Strategy to be in a troublesome foreign country far away from his inherited duties. May I bring up that jonin position in Konoha is harder to achieve than the same position in Suna, Kazekage-sama?"

"I could add that since there are less jonin of Suna, we value them more, Hokage-sama."

The silence fell again.

"So lemme get this straight," the Raikage looked up for the first time. He pointed, "Your council member just proposed marriage to your head of strategy, and now you two are arguing over which country gets to keep both of them."

Four solemn nods.

"Well that's simple, send them both to us. That fan-wielder seems like an interesting addition to Kaminari's forces. And Rikudou knows we need more brains," A said matter-of-factly.

"I second that," Terumi Mei raised a hand. "Although we all know he's just trying to increase his military strength, at least he's open about it."

Tsunade did not agree. The desk cracked a little further, "you know, Kazekage-sama, I think there are other ways to decide which of us has the honor of keeping these two."

Sand began to rise from the floor of the room, "I agree, Hokage-sama."

"Well, there we go," Mei crossed her arms. "They're going to fight. Didn't those two idiot jonin think about our trouble when they decided to get married?"

Five days later, a newly wedded shinobi couple was packing their things and moving to Tsuchi no Kuni.


(If you wonder, Tsuchikage-sama snapped.)

"Epilogues":

Kakashi gave Naruto the Talk. Because clearly not even travelling with Jiraiya could lower this admittedly loveable idiot's complete resilience to maturity.

Iruka went to file harassment charges. The female-receptionist told him he was lucky and kicked him out of the complaint office.

Ino starts wearing spandex. Very troublesome.

Sakura proceeds to have a completely unrequited relationship with her sensei and all the fanboys squeal like crazy.

Shikamaru and Temari settle permanently in Tsuchi. Gaara and Tsunade lick their wounds by themselves and try to maintain the remains of their dignity.

(This is not to be taken seriously, especially if you ship something I might have teased.)

I'm also turning this into a challenge. Review with any pairing and I will write a snippet of it. Any. I'm serious. I shall challenge myself and my writing skills to tackle it, no matter how weird. I mean, as long as both sides are of the same species and don't have too much of an age difference, I'll try it. The exception to the age-difference thing is Madara, since he's kind of actually immortal. And kind of really hot.

(I take shipping to a whole new level.)