LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN
AN: Dean has returned from Hell. I was inspired by reading A Piece Missing by Celinenaville. Thanks for writing such an amazing story. I am looking forward to see where you're going with it. The title is inspired by a Garth Brooks' song of the same name. The song is about dating again, for the first time, after a divorce or a heavy breakup. I thought the title described Dean's situation. I thought that these few lines worked the best.
I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh, like it's going out of style
Look into your eyes and pray, that you can't see
That this learning to live again, is killing me.
Dean was back, well physically he was back. Emotionally he was still in the pit. The nightmares, the night sweats, the drinking. His mind was still reliving what his body had escaped. The only thing that kept things at bay was alcohol. So he drank, a lot, too much. He was…he didn't know why he was topside. He had no idea how he got out of the pit. And he had no idea who had gotten him out. The hand mark on his shoulder told him that it was somebody special. He just had no idea who.
But still, it had taken awhile for Sam to convince Dean that he had no part in getting him out. The younger Winchester had made no deals, insisting to Dean that no demon would deal. And after a while, Dean believed him. The brothers soon found out the demons were running scared. They had no idea what had gotten Dean out and it had freaked the hell out of them, no pun intended.
For Dean, the night terrors were the worst. It was always the same. He would snap awake and bolt straight up in bed, a scream dying on his lips. His body would be soaked in sweat, and he would be trembling from the remainders of the nightmare he had just had. And Sam…Sam would always be there, with his big green eyes, full of concern, ready to help. And for that Dean was very grateful, more than he could ever say.
Sam had noticed a change in his brother also. His normally brooding brother, brooded even more. And he seemed to always be drinking. Both of them drink, true. But it was never to excess, never to the point where they lost control. It was…it was not smart. They needed to be on guard pretty much all the time, against supernatural threats, but, a lot of time, against human threats as well.
Dean would find himself staring into the bathroom mirror, just staring for long periods of time after he had taken a shower. He looked at the mark on his shoulder, and he marveled at the fact that his body was not scared. Dean remembered the beatings and the tortures he had received. And he was amazed at the fact that his body showed no signs.
Dean was keeping a huge secret from his brother, from everybody. He had not been able to talk about it in the months that he had been back. He didn't know if he would ever be able talk about it. But the weight of what he had done, how he had been broken made him feel like the lowest, most worthless human being on Earth.
Dean picked up the bottle, again. He took a long swig. He put the bottle down when he noticed his brother, with his big, concerned eyes, staring at him.
"What?" Dean asked, in a tone he had not meant to use.
Sam just shook his head. He knew his brother's tones and moods. This was not the time to try to talk to him, about anything.
"What?" Dean asked, again, in a tone not as harsh.
Sam just shook his head again.
Dean huffed out a breath. "I'm drinking too much, and I'm being an ass! Does that about cover it?"
Sam surprised Dean. He crossed the room in two strides and pulled his brother into a hug. He stepped back before Dean could push him away. But not before he whispered. "Tell me, whatever it is. Please?"
Dean hadn't pushed his brother away this time. He had actually missed the human contact, more than he realized. Nobody hugged him in hell that was for damned sure. The only real human contact he had gotten, since he had been back, had been one-night stands. And aside from the physical pleasure, they had not been terribly satisfying.
Dean Winchester was not a man to admit weakness, especially to Sam. And he was probably the one person who could help him most. But Sam couldn't know that person that Dean had become in the pit. He couldn't know that Dean had been broken. He couldn't know that Dean had, himself, after what seemed like years of being tortured and standing strong finally gave in. Sam couldn't know that Dean had tortured souls like he had been tortured and that he had liked it. His little brother could never know that Dean had enjoyed inflicting pain on those poor people. Dean couldn't tell him that he had lost what made him human. He had lost what had made him Dean Winchester. And, in all honesty, he was not sure that he even deserved to have it back.
Maybe he deserved to walk through this life as a self-loathing empty shell. Maybe that was all he could or should expect, after what he had done.
TBC
