Have fun guessing who's what and where!
Once upon a time, in a land called Kanto, there
lived a scrawny young girl named Gingerlocks. Her father died when she was very
young and so her jealous, wicked (yet stunningly fashionable) stepmother kept
her in the basement of their cottage in the woods because, quite frankly, she didn't
like her and only married her daddy because he was the head of an evil
corporation. One day whilst Gingerlocks was combing her stepmother's beautiful
long red hair, she asked, "Can I go outside please? I haven't seen the sun for
years." Her wicked stepmother laughed loudly, "Ahhahahaha! You silly little
ginger child. You cannot go out. There are far too many dangers in the forest."
Yeah right. Like she cares if Gingerlocks gets ripped to shreds.
"I'll be careful,"
Gingerlocks whined. Her wicked stepmother cackled. "Very well, you can run an
errand for me. I need some emerald earrings from Australia. Use this map. Go to
the first person you see when you get there and just ask for the Wizard of Oz.
They'll know who you mean." Gingerlocks was thrilled. She packed up her
belongings (a scrunchie and two tazos) and set out on her great adventure.
Meanwhile her wicked stepmother made a quick call ahead… "Hello, wizard? I've
just sent my brat stepdaughter to be your new slave. Make sure that she doesn't
come back."
Gingerlocks was blissfully
unaware of her wicked stepmother's plans as she skipped down the mellow brick
road. She noticed a scruffy young boy propped onto a pole in a field. "What are
you doing?" enquired Gingerlocks. The boy looked up sadly and explained that he
was a scarecrow stand-in. "I'm saving up the money I make so that I can buy a
brain."
"Why don't you come with
me? I'm going to see an Australian wizard. I'm sure he'll have enough power to
give you a brain." The scruffy boy agreed and the two of them carried on down
the mellow brick road. They had only gone a few hundred yards (take that,
metric system!) when they encountered a strange tin man. He was something
cooking inside his torso. "Mmmmmm," said Gingerlocks, "That smells nice." The squinty
tin man sighed. "Yes, but it is missing the most important ingredient –
succulent stantler meat. Oh, if I only had a hart!" Gingerlocks offered for the
tin man to join her on her journey to Australia. "The wizard could find you a
hart, no problem!" The Tin-man agreed and offered to cook them something before
they left. Just as they were about to tuck into their meal a small cat dived in
front of them, stole their food, and ran away. "Whatever shall we do?"
Gingerlocks cried. *poof* "Hello, I am your Fairy Godmother," a voice said.
They gazed up at a blue-haired young man wearing a pink frilly dress. "My Fairy
Godmother?" exclaimed Gingerlocks.
"Yes. Now hurry up and
make your wish: this corset is killing me!"
"Bring that cat and our
dinner back to us." The Fairy Godmother swung his wand (heh heh) and *poof* the
cat appeared before them. "Where's our dinner?" asked the scarecrow boy. The
cat pointed to his stomach sheepishly. "Dats life!" Gingerlocks shook the cat
furiously. "I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO THROTTLE YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW!!!!!!!"
"Now, now Gingerlocks,"
said the Fairy Godmother. "You must be kind to all living things."
"So I can be as cruel as I
want if he's dead?" she blinked innocently.
"YA CAN'T KILL ME!" the
cat yelled. "I'm afraid of death." Gingerlocks grabbed him by the throat. "You
should be more afraid of ME!"
"Oi am. Oim afraid of
evryting. I'm a cowardly liar." The cat showed them his official 'cowardly
liar' badge. The Scarecrow pondered. "If you're a liar, then you must have been
lying just then. Which means that you're not afraid of everything and that
you're not a liar. So then you must have been telling the truth when you said
you were a cowardly liar!" They all stared blankly at him. "Er… Scarecrow? Next
time you want to try and think, count to twenty first," said the Fairy
Godmother.
"But that means I'll have
to take off my shoes," Scarecrow grumbled. They all fell over in that 'oh so
silly' Japanese fashion. "Anyway," said the Fairy Godmother, "The reason I came
here is to warn you of the three challenges that lie ahead." Gingerlocks
gasped. "Three challenges? Fairy godmother, can't you do them for me?"
"Whaddya think I am? A
genie? Please! Some people! However, I'm in a good mood so I'll give you a pair
of Rudy slippers to aid you in your quest." He handed over a pair of red
slippers with a posh boy's face decorated on their heels. "Wow, thanks!"
"I didn't want them
anyway. They clash dreadfully with my dress. Ta-ta now!" And with a *poof* the
Fairy Godmother disappeared. They all stood there for a moment. "Erm," said
Scarecrow. "I may not be very smart. But he just went without telling us what
the Rudy slippers do."
"Dat scarecrow is roit.
We're no better off dan before."
Gingerlocks growled, "Well at least you got a meal out of it!" She swung him
around by his tail. Tin-man strutted around in the Rudy slippers. "Do these
make my ankles look chubby, Scarecrow?"
The four of them continued
along the mellow brick road until nightfall. The Cowardly Liar moaned, "Oi
can't go on like dis." Gingerlocks pointed ahead of them. "Look a cottage.
We'll ask if we can stay the night." Tin-man reminded her that they had no
money. Gingerlocks reminded Tin-man that she could charm anyone into free room
and board. Scarecrow reminded Gingerlocks that despite her fairytale-heroine
status, she had about as much charm as a rotting cactus. Before Gingerlocks
could remind Scarecrow of pain, two teenagers wandered over to them. "Hi, I'm
Grethel," said the girl with long blonde hair and cap with an 'R' on it. Come
stay with Hansel and I in the old lady's cottage. She offered it to us
overnight. There's plenty of room for you guys." The boy with brown air nodded.
"Dude, tubular."
"Oh boy!" Scarecrow hopped
enthusiastically. "Hang on," said Tin-man. "An old woman offered you a house.
Overnight. For free."
"Yep!" they answered in
unison.
"Tell me, did she have
warts?"
"Yep."
"Crooked nose?"
"Yep."
"Long fingernails?"
"Yep."
"Yellow-orange hair?"
"Yep."
"It's just as I thought.
That was no lady. That was my ex-girlfriend, Gassidy." Shock! Horror! They all
gasped. "The infamous evil witch!"
Tin-man sighed, "We really had something going. Until she went all evil. But
still…" he punched the air, "… I gave her one! Yeah! Who da tin man? I'm da tin
man!" The others ignored Tin-man and went into the cottage. Two women were
lying on the floor asleep. "Who are they?" Gingerlocks asked Grethel.
"The green-haired one is
Sleeping Duty. She was a cop. She fell asleep during a drugs bust and she
hasn't awoken since. The brown-haired woman is Glow White. A box of washing
powder fell on her head and she is now in a coma." Tin-man burst in. "Maybe a
kiss will wake da ladies!" Gingerlocks grabbed his metal ear. "Oh no you
don't!" Scarecrow looked at Glow White. "She looks so familiar." (!) Cowardly
Liar suggested that perhaps they were part of the challenges. "Yeah!" said
Gingerlocks. "But how do I wake them?" Tin-man yelled, "KISS 'EM!!! Yeah, hot
lesbo action!"
"No, no," said a croaky
voice. "You've got to get Grumpelstiltskin. He'll help you." It was a frog with
curtained-hair, wearing a crown, sat on a table. "Who are you?"
"I'm the frog-prince.
Gassidy promised to kiss me if I gave her my magic mirror. But she ran off to
see some Australian warlock."
They gasped, "The Wizard of Oz! (they do a lot of gasping, don't they?)
"Yeah, him." The frog
scratched his head. "Grumpelstiltskin can be found in the Blood Woods, next to
Carcus River in Vile Tower. "Oh boy! Sounds like fun!" said Scarecrow. They all
fell over.
The four left early in the
morning and followed Carcus River towards Vile Tower. When they reached Vile
Tower there was a guard outside underneath the sign saying 'Grumpelstilstikn's
Vile Tower'. It was a yellow mouse - no bigger than a thumb. "Bonjour! Je
m'appelle Pomme Thumb."
"How are we going to get
past him?"
"Let's use da Rudy
slippas," Cowardly Liar suggested. Scarecrow threw the right shoe at Pomme
Thumb and it hit him square on the head. "Le owch!" They ran into the tower and
up the winding staircase. Grumpelstiltskin was waiting for them. "I've been
expecting you. Especially you, Scarecrow." Grumpelstiltskin licked his lower
lip. Scarecrow whimpered. "He's undressing me with his eyes!" Grumpelstiltskin
laughed. "If you can guess my name then I'll give you a clue as to how to solve
the three challenges."
"We already know your name
Grumpelstiltskin." Gingerlocks chuckled. He clutched at his shirt. "But-but
how?!"
"Your name's on your
fricking door for a start."
"Darn!" he screamed and
stamped through the floor. He fell 18 storeys through the tower. "Dammit!"
huffed Gingerlocks. "We're on our own again." They slunk moodily down the
stairs and looked at their map. Gingerlocks traced her stepmother's marked
trail with her finger. "There's a club not far from here. We can get some food
and drink there." Sure enough, within an hour they had reached 'Porn Cocktail'.
A pink-haired mermaid was removing her seashells for the audience. One old man.
"Er… excuse me," Gingerlocks began.
"Oh, hello there." The man
smiled. "I was just doing some research."
"Research?" Tin-man
exclaimed. "I wanna do research!" The old man explained that this was his club
and that he had to 'interview' all the strippers. "They call me King Charmless.
Why are you all here?" They explained their predicament. "Challenges, eh?" he
pondered. "The only thing I can think of is the giant who lives over yonder."
He pointed at Club Yonder. A chubby teenager was sat on it. "If you can move
him off of Club Yonder, they'd be very grateful." They all stared at the giant.
"It's hopeless," Gingerlocks groaned. Cowardly Liar winked at them, then went
over to the giant. "Hey dere! What's your name?" The giant looked at the
Cowardly Liar glumly. "Retchett."
"An what ar ya doin ere?
Wit a body loike dat you shud be in da club, not on it!" The others listened
from afar. "What is he talking about? The guy's a manatee!" Tin-man exclaimed.
"What a cunning plan! He's
doing what he does best – lying."
Meanwhile, Cowardly Liar continued his conversation, "…and dose abs! Dere
magnificent!" Retchett agreed to get down from the club's roof after Cowardly
Liar had promised him that he would receive a glazed ham. Satisfied that their
task was complete, they set off again towards Oz.
Oz was a beautiful city. But
they did not have time to gaze at the lovely sights. They hurried to the
wizard's castle. Just before they reached the gate, Gingerlocks noticed her
stepmother and Gassidy leaning against the castle walls having a cigarette.
"Stepmother!" she gasped. Her stepmother turned round. "Shit! You little brat,
I cant believe you got here!"
Tin-man said, "Damn, Gingerlocks. Your stepmother is a fine piece of ass!"
Gassidy smashed her magic mirror over his head. "What about me, huh?"
"Y-you're c-cute too."
Suddenly there was a loud fanfare and a voice over a tannoy announced, "The
Wizard of Oz approaches!" They all looked around awaiting his arrival. "Ahem,"
ahemed someone. They looked down. It was a small… evil… egg. "FEAR ME!!!" it
boomed. Scarecrow whined. "That's it? I came here just to get my wish granted
by an Easter-egg reject?!" The wizard growled, "I said FEAR ME!!!" They all
frowned at him. "Y'know," said Gingerlocks, "We still haven't eaten yet…"
"You wouldn't dare,
wench!" the wizard jumped onto her head and sucked out her life essence.
"Oh my god!" said Tin-man.
"He killed Gingerlocks"
said Scarecrow.
"You bastard?" said
Cowardly Liar. They realised that they weren't that upset by Gingerlocks'
demise. "I shall kill you all!" the wizard cried, bouncing up and down. "Suffer
my wrath." He began to punch Gassidy's foot. "Erm…" she said, looking at the
others with a bewildered expression. The wizard stopped. "Why isn't this
working?" *poof* The Fairy Godmother appeared. "Ha! I put a hex on you, wizard.
Now you cannot commit any more evil crimes." The wizard cried. "PRRRRRIIII!!!"
"Oh quit your whining,"
said the Fairy Godmother as he hit him away with his wand. Tin-man tapped the
Fairy Godmother on the shoulder. "How come you're here? Gingerlocks is dead."
"No she's not. She's just
weakened. She'll wake soon." They were far from ecstatic at hearing this.
When Gingerlocks woke up,
her Fairy Godmother told her that they had completed the challenges. "We have?"
"Yes. You killed
Grumplestiltskin, got rid of Retchett the Hungry and you got to Oz."
Gingerlocks was pleased to hear this. "Now I must leave," said the Fairy
Godmother.
"But why?"
"Coz I've got a hot date
with a frog-prince!" he squealed. "See you around!" With a *poof* he
disappeared. Cowardly Liar, Tin-man and Scarecrow crowded around Gingerlocks.
"Your Fairy Godmuvva granted ar wishes!" Cowardly Liar said. "Oi've got free
therapy for moy phobias."
"And I've got a gun. I can
shoot my own hart from now on."
"Wow!" Gingerlocks smiled.
"How about you, Scarecrow? Did you get a brain?" He put his hands over his
moving crotch in embarrassment. "Sort of," he said in a deep voice.
And they all lived happily ever after (except the wizard).
Starring...
Misty as Gingerlocks
Jesse as the wicked stepmother
Togepi as the Wizard of Oz
Ash as the Scarecrow
Brock as the Tin-man
James as the Fairy Godmother
Meowth as the Cowardly Liar
Deliah as Glow White
Samuel as King Charmless
Tracey as giant
Butch as the frog-prince
Cassidy as witch Gassidy
Pikachu as Pomme Thumb
Jenny as Sleeping Duty
Joy as the little mermaid
Domino as Grethel
Mondo as Hansel
Gary as Grumpelstiltskin
Giovanni as the dead father of Gingerlocks
