Dead and Dinner on the Doorstep
My Entry for The Snarky Sidekick Contest
Many thanks to AllAboutEric for her ninja betaing skills. Much appreciated.
Disclaimer: The universe and all the characters are borrowed from Charlaine Harris's Southern Vampire Mystery series. Thank you.
Summary: Set the night after DR finishes. At her own front door, Pam meets someone, who should definitely be, dead and gone. "F#%k a zombie," Pam says, in surprise. And not much can surprise Pam! What or who could it be? Rated M for language and adult concepts.
"Soooooo Pam," Miriam said, with a satisfied grin, "what's it like to fuck a zombie?"
Miriam lay naked on my bed, sated and smiling, as I unstrapped my hipster harness complete with its hot-pink, plastic penis. Miriam had always enjoyed bright colours. Oh, and powerful penetration! Vampire-assisted speed had only ever added to our playtime pleasure. Nothing new there then!
Of course, I was satisfied, too. Stories, that zombies lacked coordination, must have been greatly exaggerated. There was nothing wrong with Miriam's movements. The way she had stroked and suckled at my clitoral-crowned chasm (yeah, the 'c' word) was nothing short of wicked.
I smirked at our mutual satisfaction. Fuck a zombie! And I had! Miriam was here, as dead as I was, or maybe even deader. I wasn't sure which one of us would win in the 'Miss Most-Undead' stakes. Not that a stake would worry Miriam too much; maybe one to the head would kill her, but certainly not anywhere else - although it could prove to be …. ah, 'unhealing' and unattractive, and not the sort of penetration she preferred.
I dropped the harness to the floor and snuggled up to Miriam's now-cold body. Oh yes, I liked to snuggle - with the right person - every bit as much as a certain undead Viking. In fact, his, was the last cold body I had snuggled with. It felt odd though - Miriam being cold - but I had been planning on turning her dead-cold, the same as myself, anyway! And that's why I could feel her; why I knew she really was satisfied. Our blood connection was alive again, now that both of us were corpses animated magically. My blood; I'd given her so much of it, trying to save her human life, waiting for Victor's okay to the 'turn'. It was a wonder Miriam hadn't turned accidentally. Not that I had been trying to accidentally turn Miriam against Victor's wishes. Oh no! Not me! Not much!
"Come on, spill! What's it like to fuck a zombie?" Miriam urged again.
"I do not … 'spill', Miriam, but as you've just popped my zombie-fucking cherry, you may deserve an answer." I tweaked Miriam's nipple, as I said this, and was a little relieved when it didn't come off in my hand. I still wasn't sure what to expect, still virtually-virgin at zombie-fucking.
"Aw, come on. Don't punish me with silence on the subject, Pam."
"Punish you! Don't be so tempting, Miriam." And she was tempting. Only Miriam could pull off this emaciated, heroin-addict look with style. She could earn a fortune as a catwalk model for Vogue.
Miriam's cool fingers tweaked my nipple, sharply, and then circled it gently. She knew I liked that.
"Ouch! Enough with the torture," I pretended, as the pinches continued. "You've got my attention. So … 'fuck a zombie' … a phrase I use when … surprised. Not that much ever does surprise me. But I've got to admit, I am slightly surprised, to have found myself actually fucking a zombie tonight." Yes, totally.
Miriam laughed while giving my nipple, now crushed-crimson, a final twist. Nice touch! She certainly wasn't a weak, sickly human any longer. "Yup, I could tell you were slightly surprised when I was at your front door with Amelia. You said, 'Fuck a zombie'. I said, 'Yes, please', and that's how we ended up here in your bedroom."
"Well, your memory seems to be intact, Miriam …. almost. Do you remember that I had to tie up a loose end or two, before I could grant your 'fucking' request?"
Miriam bent her head to get a few good licks in, on my sensitized nipple. I wasn't complaining that the conversation had slowed; the muscle-memory in Miriam's tongue was definitely intact too.
After a final sharp nip, Miriam's eyes met mine. "Oh, yeah," she agreed, "we didn't end up fucking immediately. First, you took great pleasure in gagging and restraining Amelia, my bokor, the one who used witchcraft to re-animate me."
"Perfect recall, Miriam. I thought zombies were supposed to be mindless, but there's nothing wrong with your dead old zombie brain."
"Less of the old, please. I'm a barely-born zombie," Miriam said. "Can I still be your snarky sidekick, if I'm a zombie and not a vampire?"
Well, that was the question! Miriam was in excellent shape now - no bits falling off anywhere - and I had inspected her up-close and personally. But didn't zombies rot, then dismember and disintegrate over time? Maybe with enough human flesh, especially brains to eat, Miriam would stay ... healthy? Who knew?
The bed bounced a little. A muffled groan, from the third occupant of the bed, sounded behind me. Miriam and I both turned over to our left - synchronized rolling - to look at Amelia. Her eyes were flashing sparks and if they'd been real, I would have been smoldering by now – burnt to a cinder. Ashy, in fact!
Amelia looked angry and uncomfortable. Good! She was very fortunate not to be drained dry. At that thought, I flashed her my widest, toothiest grin. What was she doing practising some sort of New Orleans' voodoo on my Miriam, by turning her into a zombie? Not that I was complaining right at this moment! But then, there'd also been that bond-breaking business. Amelia was lucky Eric hadn't killed her. Quite the risk-taker was Amelia!
I snapped my fangs fully down and growled.
Amelia struggled, quite uselessly, against the bindings. I hissed. More muffled mutterings followed. The ball gag, filling Amelia's mouth, was preventing any obscenities or nasty little spells escaping. Of course, I had trussed Amelia up before, but not quite like this - not with her legs closed anyway! Her arms were tightly tied together above her head and knotted to the bedpost; her ankles were secured to the bedpost at the bottom of my four-poster. Ah, my four-poster … It was a bit antiquated for my 21st century taste, but the posts just kept coming in way too handy!
Miriam pressed her bony frame against my back and wrapped an arm around me. She got a good tweak in on my neglected nipple. Miriam was always very thorough, but I kept my attention on Amelia. I needed an explanation. Maybe, it would help answer Miriam's question too.
"Amelia, you will explain. Don't tempt me to crush your larynx, by saying something I might not like." I disengaged the gag's strap. "Open," I ordered. Amelia obeyed. I removed the ball and gag at vampire speed and placed my hand lightly across her throat, with just a hint of nail scratching her warm flesh; a warning. The gag was close by too. Interfering witches were fun to play with, but care still needed to be taken. "Watch what you say, Amelia. Just watch it."
"I have been watching it," she snapped.
"Jealous?" I let my hand caress her jaw line. Then, I trailed my index fingernail down her neck and along her collar bone. Amelia shuddered, and it wasn't with arousal as she saw me glance at her throat. I hadn't fed … not yet!
"Tell me, what you have done, Amelia," I stated, returning my hand to her throat. I smelt fear, Amelia's fear. Miriam smelled a lot like me, and not of rotting zombie flesh, not even a little! Fear and me; how aromatically pleasing!
Amelia renewed her pathetic, wriggling efforts. Seriously! It was like watching a worm on a hook, or so I imagined.
"Aw, come on, Pam. Let me loose. I'm getting pins and needles in my hands and feet," Amelia whined.
"Now there's an idea! I'll just get my embroidery case from the nightstand."
"Pam! Stop tormenting me. You need me. I'm Miriam's bokor. I raised her from her coffin at the undertaker. I control her. I ….."
"Are you sure about that last statement? You haven't been controlling much more than your blinking, breathing and bladder, since you arrived at my front door with my dead lover; now … a …. zombie!"
Amelia grimaced a little. Yes, I had made my point without a needle! Damn!
Suddenly, Miriam quivered. She pressed more closely into my back, her razor-sharp hip bones digging in. She held onto my nipple for dear …. life. I'd have matching nipple sensitivity! Yes, Miriam was thorough, but this clinging ... It didn't feel right. Miriam didn't feel right. My blood in her felt … muted. Was Amelia trying some more voodoo-doodoo on Miriam? I decided to take control, to break Amelia's … ah ... concentration.
"Miriam, tickle Amelia's feet." And that's what Miriam did. Mercilessly!
Over the hysterical, sobbing laughter (and that was just Miriam who was thoroughly enjoying her role as torturer), Amelia tried with various incoherent mutterings to make Miriam cease; not decease though. Self-preservation did not seem to be one of Amelia's strengths, but even she appeared to realize I would kill her outright, if anything bad happened to Miriam.
Eventually, Miriam did stop, but only because I told her to. There was only going to be one mistress in this room.
"Crap," gasped an exhausted Amelia.
"Not here, Amelia," I said sternly. "I hope that's still within your own control too. Miriam, however, certainly is not."
"Well, she was! Until we got here!"
"Miriam, is that true?"
"Well, maybe. I don't remember much. I knew I was raised from the dead, a zombie. But when you opened the front door I just, sort of, came alive again."
"So Amelia, explain! If you are the bokor, why am I in charge?" I asked. Apart from the obvious, that is!
As she opened her mouth to reply, I slashed my wrist on a fang, and jammed it between her lips, vamp-quick. Shocked, Amelia swallowed my blood, no questions asked – not that she could with a mouthful of me! I felt the slight connection grow; I felt Amelia's horror. Ah, sweet success! I removed my healed wrist and leisurely licked it clean. Yum!
"Yuk! Yuk! Fuck!" Amelia spat. Amelia was a poet and she didn't even know it! I laughed.
"Fuck you, Pam!" Amelia spat again, through blood-stained lips.
"Maybe later, Amelia! I knew my blood would make me more attractive to you, but your immediate desire for me is spectacular," I teased, deliberately misunderstanding. "Now, you will like me more and I will know you better. I'll feel the truth of your intentions and your answers, Amelia. So don't hold back, because I will know."
"Why didn't you just glamour me for answers then? Why blood?" I could feel Amelia's shocked displeasure. These emotions of hers were easy to read and accommodate. They were nothing; nothing compared to feeling Miriam's despair, as she had weakened from her illness. Nothing compared to the feeling of Miriam being gone.
"You know, I can break any blood ties or bonds you might force on me!" Amelia added.
"Only if you are not dead!"
"Aw, c'mon Pam. You know you need me to keep Miriam ... alive."
"That has yet to be determined!" I said. But I could feel Amelia's belief in this statement.
Miriam felt uncertain. She stood like a statue next to Amelia's tied feet. No unattractive zombie-shuffling at all! She looked more vampire than zombie, in her stillness. Nice! It felt good to see her. It felt good to feel her through my blood still alive in her! My blood was still alive in her. I repeated that thought to myself again. Surely my blood should have died with Miriam, if she had died … completely.
I had a very strange sensation. Was it excitement? Maybe? Could I have? Had I managed to begin an accidental turning after all? Fuck a zombie … or not? What had Immanuel said? Miriam had just stopped breathing; although not unexpected, still sooner than anticipated.
I stared harder at Miriam trying to see anything vampiric, apart from her stillness; but I couldn't. As if to aid my scrutiny, Miriam did a little spin on the spot. The tattoo on her left butt-cheek twitched as she turned – 'Pam 4ever', it read. I wondered what we could do about that.
"Miriam, untie Amelia," I said, "I have finished playing … for now." I retracted my fangs. It was time to throw Amelia completely off balance by being nice! Ugh! But 'nice' after 'nasty' often yielded the best results. And she was Miriam's bokor.
I looked at Amelia. "I haven't glamoured you, because I believe you are Miriam's bokor. And I don't want to affect your mind in any way, not while you are using voodoo to animate Miriam."
With Amelia released, the three of us - the witch, the zombie and the vampire (I'm sure there must be a joke about that somewhere) - arranged ourselves. We sat cross-legged, facing each other on top of the bed. Amelia's physical discomfort had disappeared, not that she appreciated the beneficial effects of my blood in her. I could feel her unhappiness, but she was more at ease, not being tied. Not by ropes, at least!
"Tell me, how do you know Miriam?" I smiled. Just a girl's night in. Right?
"I don't know Miriam, not really," she began.
"Really?" I said, not a bit surprised.
"Well, she was in the hospital asleep, when I first met her."
"Go on," I urged. It was like extracting teeth; difficult, but still to be enjoyed. I smiled, flashing only a little fang. I was being nice, after all.
"Okay, okay," Amelia said, "I get the point! The last time Bob and I visited Sookie, we …. ah …. left a little earlier than expected, so Bob decided to visit Immanuel on the way home. Bob and Immanuel had met at the Natural Hair Show in New Orleans and Bob wanted to visit Immanuel's salon – Death by Fashion. As it turned out, he was going to the hospital to be with his sister, Miriam, so we followed him there. Immanuel told us that Miriam was waiting for you to turn her. He was surprised when he found out I knew you. And now I'm starting to wish I didn't."
"I can arrange for you to forget all about me, Amelia," I said helpfully. "Just not yet! Go on," I encouraged a pale-looking Amelia. She was one mixed-up blood bag; fear and regret swirled through her veins, but she was being honest. So far, so good!
"Well, after getting back to New Orleans, Immanuel kept in touch with Bob. He called us when Miriam passed. He said you hadn't been able to turn her in time; you hadn't been able to say goodbye, because she died in the daytime. So I thought I'd be nice and give you a chance to say goodbye, by practising my ..."
I cut in. "So on impulse … without asking anyone … you thought you would practise your voodoo-juju on my Miriam. Are you very skilled at raising zombies, Amelia?"
"Well … um … that would be a no. Miriam is my first."
"So, zero zombies raised, ever before! Wasn't it a little experimental then? Risky, even?"
"Um, maybe, but I knew it should be easy. Miriam was freshly passed and I placed her body in stasis, as soon as I arrived at the undertakers today, so she would ….. ah, keep. She hadn't even been dead for 24 hours when I reached her." Amelia was quite proud of herself, and I could feel her good intentions (ick), but there was something else.
"What else did you intend? What are you afraid of?"
"Geez, Pam, what do you think? When I texted you a couple of nights ago to ask if Eric was going to kill me over the blood-bond breaking, you texted back: 'No, he won't, but I might'. So I thought I would try and make it up to you. Like I said – 'do something nice'. I raised Miriam, so you could say goodbye."
"Aw, aren't you sweet, Amelia? You wanted to suck up to me!" Amelia shuddered at the 'suck' word. She was so funny.
"Believe me, I am regretting any kind of sucking up now."
"I know, I can feel it," I reminded her, "but sucking is not your problem. It is your 'impulse issues', as Dear Abby would call them, that will get you killed one day. Let me reassure you. I'll only suck you dry, if something bad happens to Miriam now." See, I was being sweet too, giving good advice.
Amelia didn't feel reassured though. She was worried, but strangely still at ease as well. I wondered if my vampire-blood whammy was kicking in, making her feel safe in my presence, no matter what was happening.
"So then, Amelia, what has gone wrong? Why can't you control Miriam?" I asked.
"I don't know," she wailed. "It's like my magic has been on dim, since we got here."
"No juice in your juju?" I quipped.
"Not enough to be able to control Miriam, like a good bokor should," she said. "Miriam was definitely dead; is definitely a zombie, but it's like something else is animating her as well. And that something has more … juice. Miriam doesn't even seem as zombie-like here, not like she did before we got to your house. She's just so well put-together, physically and mentally, around you."
My gaze swept over Miriam's slight form. "Very nicely put-together," I agreed. Miriam smiled, her brown eyes looking huge in her small face. She was feeling good in death. I knew that feeling.
"Amelia, how much do you know about vampire blood magic?"
"More than I would like to," she grimaced. "You really can feel me?"
"Yes, Amelia, I can. Why would you be surprised by that? Your research into blood bonds must have revealed much about vampire blood and its effects."
"Yeah, but research and reality are two different things," she said, pouting.
"Exactly," I said. "So, as Dear Abby says, always think before you act, Amelia. So, thinking about blood magic …."
"What do you want to know?" I could sense Amelia's eagerness to be helpful now. My blood was certainly topping up her own natural tendencies.
"I can feel Miriam through my blood," I said slowly. Amelia's face was a picture, a gasping, gawping-fish picture. Quite unattractive! But I had her hooked, with interest and blood. "My blood is alive in Miriam, as if she had never died. I felt it as soon as I opened my door to you."
Amelia composed herself, thankfully. "Well, that can't be right. If a person dies without being turned, the blood magic dies too. So Miriam should not be attached to you, not magically anyway."
"But she is. My blood lives on in her." I glanced at Miriam and tried to send her a blast of lust through my blood. Our blood tie only seemed to be getting stronger in death.
Miriam confirmed it. "Gotcha," she said, with a very zombie-like eye roll; white orbs glistened in her white face. Ah, Miriam's eye roll trick, always performed when …. orgasmic. The very first time she had come for me, I thought I had killed her as those eyes had rolled right back. I'd been pissed; dead blood-bag disposal was such a chore. Of course, her heartbeat had given her away! Then I'd made her pay for that little trick by seeing how many more times, I could make her do it. A lot was the answer! Miriam's eyes had been spinning. And she'd liked it!
"Back atcha," Miriam said. And I could feel her lust for me. For corpses, our connection was hot!
Amelia was continuing. "Well, I would have to say that if the blood magic is still alive in Miriam, and she is dead, then she ... must … be … turning."
The discordant tones of 'Victor's Deception' from the Corpse Bride soundtrack broke into the conversation. It was my phone. I really needed to change that ringtone! Ha! Was there a 'Victor's Dead' track somewhere?
"Eric?" I answered.
"What is going on, apart from sex? There is a …. presence in our blood. And it is not Sookie's, unfortunately!"
"Miriam is here, Eric." Dead silence. "You know Amelia?" Even deader silence. "She raised Miriam as a zombie from her coffin, so that I could say goodbye. Wasn't Amelia sweet?"
"Is she dead then, the witch?" I'd never heard Eric call Amelia that before! But surprisingly, Amelia did seem to have 'skills', particularly when trying to be …. helpful. Useful! For me to know, that is.
"No, I should not have used the past tense in that phrase – not yet anyway! She is Miriam's bokor. I have given Amelia a little blood for control purposes. I am helping with her impulse issues. Can you feel her?"
"No. Too little blood and too far away. I may have had to punish you severely if I could feel the witch, Pamela. So ... it must be Miriam …. who is a zombie! Do you feel her?"
"Oh yes! I have felt her and fucked her," I explained. "My blood is still very much alive in her. I can feel it very clearly, now she is raised and near me."
"You should get Miriam back inside her coffin, Pamela. If the blood is still alive, she may be turning. I don't know how successful it will be, since she has been raised once by the witch, but our blood is strong. Give her more. It could strengthen the turn."
Now I knew what excited was. Me! It was all so unexpected. Amelia's research and Eric's knowledge led to the same place. Right here to Miriam turning!
"Don't drink from Miriam yourself, Pam. In zombie form, her blood may be toxic. Amelia, is still with you? She may be of use … for a change."
I got the message. Useful! And Amelia did so like to help. If I gave Miriam a lot of blood, Amelia could make up for it … and some other things. It sounded like a plan I could get used to. "I've got it."
"Once Miriam is safely back in her coffin, stay near. I don't know how long an accidental turn - with interruptions - will take. Miriam had one full night dead; this is her second. She may have been going to rise sometime tonight."
"Eric, Amelia put Miriam in stasis for part of the day, to preserve her body. Would that stop the turning's magic?"
It was my-little-helper, Amelia, who answered first. "Oh! It definitely stops it. Just mention Jake Purifoy to Eric." Jake, a werewolf, had turned successfully (sort of, but that was another story) after being under Amelia's stasis in Hadley's flat. Eric had told me about it, as Sookie had been injured. Again!
I didn't need to repeat anything though. Eric heard and understood. "Tomorrow would seem more likely then. Mustapha is dumping the bodies," Eric added finally. Aw, he was being nice.
Eric was talking about the humans who had died at Fangtasia, during the Regent-killing concert last night. Victor, the Wannabe-King was dead, but I say 'Long Live the King'! And I meant Bubba. It had been a brilliant evening: the singing - superb, the fighting – ferocious and the killing - complete. Sookie and I taking out Victor together; it had been poetry in motion. But Eric knew how I hated dumping dead blood-bags. He was initiating Mustapha into collateral-damage disposal.
"I'll tell him to collect Miriam's coffin in the van and bring it to you, as soon as he gets back from the dead-dumping at Sookie's."
"Sookie's?" I drawled. What was Eric saying?
"Yes, Sookie's." Then he explained. "There's a fairy portal in her woods. Corpses can be passed through it. They are finished off on the fairy side. Total disposal." How convenient! Some girls had all the luck! But that was Sookie for you, always so surprising.
"And you know this, how?"
"Jannalynn Hopper, Alcide's lieutenant rang. She wanted to let me know I owed the Pack a favour! Sookie shot Sandra Pelt today; Jannalynn finished the Pelt Were off. Then they put her body into the portal. Sookie's idea!" Eric was proud. Sookie may loathe violence, but she was a survivor. I imagine Sandra Pelt had underestimated my friend. "I told Jannalynn that Alcide owed us - considering the shaman shit he pulled on Sookie, without my consent."
For certain, I thought. "So Sookie shot both Pelts in the end."
"So she did. Sookie is quite the expert at killing supernaturals! But back to the creation of a supernatural, your child. I'll contact Mustapha now. Remember - plenty of blood and get Miriam back into that coffin." As if I would forget!
Snap! And he was gone. The call concluded, I placed the phone on my nightstand. Maybe 'New Arrival' from my Corpse Bride soundtrack would work as a ringtone. Or perhaps, 'According to Plan', if it all did go ... according to plan.
I regarded Miriam and stroked her cheek. She'd have to die again, either way.
"Eric thinks you may be turning. How does being my vampire snarky sidekick sound, Miriam?"
Amelia spoke up first, though. "Sookie shot someone?"
"Yes, today she did. And last night, together, we killed Victor – Loser, as I now think of him. We decapitated him … half way each …with a sword … through blood, bone and gristle."
Amelia looked a little sick once more, actually zombie-like in pallor, but Miriam, the zombie, was thrilled. She punched the air in victory. "Yes," she smirked. "I only wish I had been there to see it." Ah, sentimental!
"Can we celebrate? Fuck a zombie again, Pam? It may be your last chance, if I'm turning," Miriam pointed out. "And if this turns out to be our final goodbye, just as Amelia planned, then I will have loved every fucking minute of it."
"Or fucked, almost every loving minute of it, Miriam?" There, I'd said that word. I knew she got it.
"Ditto on the fucking loved comment!" Miriam replied.
Amelia fidgeted, drawing our attention. "So where do I fit into all this … this fucking?" she asked. Amelia felt interested, not fearful or sickly any longer. My blood had certainly warmed up her 'whammy'. I could feel that she liked me better. Pleasing me would please her, too.
"Where would you like to fit, Amelia?" I asked. Miriam and I had always enjoyed three-in-a-bed.
"Do you think I could zombie-fuck too?" she asked, hesitantly. "It was quite the show you two put on, while I was all tied up."
I felt lust all round. It coursed through me, heating my blood. I basked in the warmth. Eric had said I would get to like feelings, and he was right.
I smelled arousal …. times three.
You do the math!
We'll do the …
The next night
I watched Miriam's coffin, as it rested on the trestle next to my bed. The grains of salt used by Amelia in the 'dezombification' process glistened on its surface. I waited.
Dear Abby had no advice for this particular situation. The conception of my first child had been plagued by …. ah, complications, and now all I could do during the 'birth' was push or open a coffin lid. I waited.
Then my blood stirred. A new presence simply rippled through me, taking its place deep inside my very being. My child!
I pushed the coffin's lid open. Salt fell away. Done!
Immediately, Miriam's vampire glow illuminated the candlelit room. Well, that was a relief! And I hoped that she didn't have any left-over, flesh-eating tendencies in her new form or a certain witch would be dead meat. My eyes skimmed over Miriam's tiny, coffined body. She was beautiful; waif-like and ethereal in death. Looking good, Miriam, I thought! I'd always had excellent taste. And then she opened her big, brown eyes! And snapped down … the most enormous fangs!
I almost said, 'Fuck a zombie' in surprise, but that may have caused some confusion.
So I smirked and said, "Fuck! A vampire!" to my fully-fanged friend. No doubt about it!
"Yes, please," Miriam lisped.
"Me too ... or three," requested Miriam's first meal. Amelia, my helpful witch, was tied to the bed, legs akimbo!
Isn't vampire blood a wonderful thing?
So, no more fucking zombies!
The End
A/N I have added another two chapters. The next is from Amelia's POV. It is her thoughts while being tied up and watching Pam and Miriam get to know each other again. The last chapter is from Miriam's POV as she makes the most of her unexpected time with Pam. It ends just before F&*k a Zombie begins. Both chapters are sexual in nature...they are all in bed!;)
