Ethereal Weapon
Dateline 20XX, September 29th, Fuyuki City
The world was shocked this afternoon when a spokesman (Waver Velvet) from the Magical Pictures Association revealed earlier today that child-actress Ilyasviel von Einzbern was kidnapped earlier this morning by unknown assailants. Little else is known at this junction, and the Fuyuki City Police Department is now accepting tips from the general public.
Ilyasviel was in production for the upcoming film "The Magical Princess and the Mystery of the Kaleido-Prism", but vanished on her way to the set.
"This is a huge tragedy," her grandfather, Justeaze Lizrich von Einzbern said to our star reporter, Bazette Fraga McRemitz. "My granddaughter was a living miracle to us: her movies and acting was going to bring our family to prominence once again! I can only imagine how future generations will view her. Certainly as the holy grail of all child-actors, if not more."
The FCPD are taking an aggressive stance on this, and according to their public relations officer Tohsaka Rin has publicly announced the two officers in charge of the case: Shirou Archer, (who was called back into service after his forced resignation detailed in his best-seller self-biography: "Ethics and Ideals: Why You Shouldn't Have Any",) and Cuchulainn Lancer, world-famous "Super-Cop", who was drafted by Interpol especially for this case.
We here at the Eighth Assembly Publishing hope for this case to be resolved as soon as possible, and until then our prayers go out to friends and family.
This broadcast was sponsored by the DAA-association. Remember children: regular blood donations are every citizen's civic duty!
*Meanwhile, in Fuyuki City*
Vrroooooom!
So said the engine of the cherry-red Jaguar 911, which roared through the streets of Fuyuki City like the chariot of a drunken, angry thundergod. People froze midstride as they heard it approach, and as the sound only grew louder and louder they began looking for cover only for the car to fly past them. (Sometimes quite literally as the car took air once it cleared small rises in the road.)
"Vroooom!" said the driver of said vehicle, namely Cuchulainn Lancer. who then burst into raucous laughter. "Haha! This is great! I haven't had this much fun in a city since that one time S'Cathy and I busted that pharmaceutical smuggling ring a few years back! I was loopy for weeks!"
"You know," Shirou Archer said calmly, completely unaffected by his partner's reckless abandon. "We would probably get in a lot of trouble if you crashed," he narrowed his eyes, spotting someone crossing the road several streets ahead. "... Or hit someone," he added.
"Oh, pish-tosh!" Lancer dismissed, just as the pedestrian threw themselves out of the way with a terrified scream. "It's not like we're moving slow enough or people to get a good look at us, are we? Besides, I thought you had a hot lead on who the kidnapper is."
Archer gave out a long-suffering sigh of somebody who has just realized that he they have been partnered up with someone who was only going to listen to every other word that anybody else was saying and had no choice but to suffer through this. It was either that, or Rin was going to have his *ss. He didn't know how the teenaged girl masquerading as the police department's public relation's officer (a position that hadn't existed until she'd created it, somehow,) would do it, but he knew from experience that such threats were best taken into consideration.
"Just a regular lead," he said patiently. "More of a hunch, really. The owner of the high-society cocktail lounge, Gates of Babylon."
"Eh?" Lancer grunted, never once slowing down even as he turned to look at Archer. "You mean Gilgamesh Godschild? I hear he's rich enough to buy every nation in the world with just his pocket change. Why would kidnap Ilyasviel von Einzbern?"
"Because he has a thing for Lolita?" Archer quipped with a wry grin and an arched eyebrow. When Lancer scoffed at this, Archer gave a small nod and continued. "Gilgamesh likes to play by his own rules, and has been involved in some pretty shady dealings in the past. Nothing that we can prove, of course, but he's still not somebody we can ignore.
Lancer nodded at this, and looked back at the road once more before swerving to the car to the side in order to avoid colliding into a fruit-stand. This in turn would have caused them crash into a streetlamp had Lancer not drifted the car just past it, the scream of the tires as they slid across the pavement managing to overpower that of the engine's roar for just a moment before they managed to regain traction and the car was once more sent barreling through the streets of Fuyuki City.
"Makes as much sense as anything, I suppose," Lancer said with perfect calm, clearly unaffected by his near-brush with death.
"... You aren't going to slow down, are you?" Archer asked, sounding just as unaffected but genuinely curious.
"Nope!" Lancer said, and laughed again. "Life is more fun this way, don't you think? Hey, you think we can hit the Gates up for some drinks while we're there?"
"... Only if I get to drive once we're done," Archer answered, and with an expression of boredom as he put an elbow out the side of the car and rested his head on his fist.
"Jeez, you're no fu- oh hey, is that the place?" Lancer asked, spotting something in the distance.
"Does it look like a giant golden palace with palm-trees?" Archer asked, sounding disinterested.
"Yeah," came the reply.
"Then that's the place."
"Great!" Lancer exclaimed, and quickly buckled his seatbelt. "Grab a hold of something!"
And without further warning Lancer swerved the car violently to the side, causing it to enter into a spin. The world rushed around them in a dizzying blur, all while Lancer laughed madly.
Strangely, this did not result in the car crashing into anything. Nor did it flip over and kill them both. No, what happened was that the car effortlessly spun in between two parked cars and then stopped, completely unharmed.
"Right then," Lancer said, and hopped out of the car. Somehow, in doing so he produced an intricately adorned spear that oozed malevolence like blood from a wound. "Let's go fight crime!"
