Chapter I

Carol walks alone across the misty moor. The wind makes her shiver and her teeth chatter. Andrew appears behind her and puts his arms gently around her. Carol leans her neck against his and feels his lips on her cheek. It is not cold any more. Suddenly, she feels something wet in the hands she caresses. She lowers her eyes to look and screams. It is blood! Andrew's hands are covered in blood. Carol stops hugging him and turns around, terrified. She has time to see Andrew falling to the floor with glassy eyes, his wrists tainted in red. Soon, everything vanishes and Carol wakes up. She remembers then she will not see him again. Never ever. Andrew cut his veins two weeks ago.

Carol looks at the alarm clock in the bedside table. It is only two in the morning. She is unable to remember the last night she slept soundly. She is alone in the bed. Since Andrew's death, John has not tried to share it with her. He said nothing. He just lies down in the couch every night and pretends to fall asleep while he watches TV. Sometimes Lisa covers him with a blanket. Carol sits on the bed, with a sad face. John… he barely spoke to her since that night. In fact, he seems unable to look into her eyes. His silence hurts more than a slap.

The calendar in the alarm clock reminds Carol that today is the day of Andrew's funeral. It got delayed because of the autopsy. Why did they bother to perform it? Will it explain why a man who had everything wished to die? Carol pulls her hair back and gets up from bed. She is thirsty. She decides to go down to the kitchen for a glass of water. To her surprise, John is awake in the couch. Carol hides in the staircase, without daring to enter. John is holding Carol's Wuthering Heights copy, the same one she used to read with Andrew at their shelter in the moor.

"The clown at my elbow, who is drinking his tea out of a basin, and eating his bread with unwashed hands, may be her husband", she hears him stammer.

Carol remembers Andrew's voice, reading those very words. The singing of a nightingale compared to the caws of a crow. She cannot stand it anymore. She runs towards John and wrenches the book away from his hand.

"Stop spoiling it!"

John stares at her like a dog which has just been beaten. He stands up slowly.

"I couldn't sleep. I have an important appointment tomorrow at the bank, about the tenancy". He seems about to cry. "I know how much you like this book. I thought I would read it. Despite what you think, I'm not illiterate."

Carol clutches the book to her chest.

"You think I don't know what's the problem?" John sighs, "The problem is I'm not him. Well, you know what? I'm happy I'm not him. Because when I had the chance to be with you, I grabbed it with both hands… even when it was the worst mistake I ever made in my life."

Without even putting on his shoes, he stormsoutside.

"John, it's cold", Carol says, "You'll freeze to death".

"Hope so!" he shouts and slams the door.

John's rage does not last very long. The cold wind managesto calm it down. He then realises he is outside in the middle of the night, in a T-shirt, and his feet are full of mud. His left temple is hurting again, just where Andrew hit him with the stone. John sits on a stool, next to a barrel full of rainwater. He takes the handkerchief out of his pocket and wets it. He places it against his temple and feels relieved. It is an unbearable pain which appears from time to time. And with it, it comes out the image he would like to forget and cannot: Carol aiming at him with the rifle, yelling at him to let Andrew go.

John hides his head in his hands. He was a fool for building his hopes up, for thinking she would love him. Suddenly, he notices something wet against his knuckles. It is Ian, the dog, licking his hand. John smiles coyly and pets it. He remembers the day Andrew came to brag about his chubby baby. They had more words of praise for the dog than for him. "The grumpy bastard", that is what Carol called him. Maybe that is what he always was for her, John thinks. What is he going to do? He knows he is entitled to half of the farm, but he does not wish to claim it. They say Broadbent wants to hire more staff in a month. Would he give him his old job back? With the money he still has, it will not be difficult to rent a bedsit. Yes, he will lose everything his grandfather left to him, but it is not a very high price if he can sleep again. John holds Ian tighter. His tears wet the dog's back.

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When Carol comes down for breakfast, the couch is empty. John's wedding outfit is hanging from a chair, perfectly ironed. She remembers then she heard him in the shower, before coming down. Carol feels guilty. She seems to be throwing him out of the house little by little. Lisa is in the kitchen, making breakfast. She turns to her.

"Fancy a cuppa?" she asks.

Carol nods. "Do you need a lift to school or are you going with John?"

Lisa gives her the cup and looks at her defiant.

"No need", she says, "Becky is taking me".

"Andrew's wife?"

"She leaves today for the south. She's going to live with her parents. She says she wants to say goodbye. Is that alright with you?"

Carol tries to smile.

"Of course it is. I know she was a good friend to you."

Lisa smiles and then turns to keep with what she is doing. Carol grabs a biscuit and decides to have breakfast outside. It is a warm morning, but she is shivering. She sips her tea and looks through the window towards the interior of the house. She sees John coming downstairs, in a white T- shirt and with a towel around his waist. He stops in front of the couch and starts getting dressed. He gets his trousers and turns to the girl.

"Look the other way, Lisa. I'm taking off the towel."

Lisa seems amused.

"And what I'm going to see? Those ridiculous pink pants you're wearing?"

John gets red and puts on the trousers as quick as he can.

"If they are pink, it is because certain lassie put her fuchsia top in the washing machine with the whites. Do you know that lassie?"

They look at one another and burst into laughter. Even Carol, from outside, cannot help a giggle. Suddenly, Lisa leaves what she is doing and becomes serious.

"John… you and I, what are we?"

John finishes buttoning his trousers.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you my brother-in-law? Or are you my stepfather?"

John looks at her tenderly.

"I'm… a friend who loves you to bits, Lisa".

Carol feels a knot in her stomach. She leans against the stone wall and keeps listening.

"I don't want him for a father", Lisa is saying.

"What are you talking about, little one?" John asks.

"Andrew… I never liked him. I always thought he was a mummy's boy. I don't want him to be my dad", Lisa stares at John, "I wish it were you. I wish you were my dad!"

Outside, Carol is on the verge of crying. John smirks, goes towards Lisa and holds her gently by the shoulder.

"You mustn't say that, Lisa. In any case, he was your dad and you must respect him. Anyway, if I were your dad, I should be in jail."

"Why?"

"I'm eight years older than Carol. It doesn't matter now, because we are both adults, but when she gave birth she was a child. It would have been a crime."

Carol feels something warm sliding down her pyjama top. She realises she spiltthe tea over herself. At that moment, Becky's car appears down the road. Carol does not feel like talking to her, but there is no place to hide. Becky gets out of the car, in an impeccable black dress. She puts her sunglasses as a hair band, looks at her from head to toe, and smiles ironically. Carol feels like an idiot.

"Good morning. Is Lisa ready?"

"She's… she's finishing breakfast", Carol stammers, "She said you're leaving today to go to your parents'".

"There's nothing to keep me here. In any case, there will be nobody left in the house. Mrs. Lawton leaves with her sister today, after the funeral. And Dr. Lawton leaves tomorrow for London."

The door's creakinginterrupts their conversation. It is John, who leaves for the bank. He is wearing his wedding outfit and has just shaved. Becky thinks he looks sad. Carol surprises herself thinking he looks very handsome.

"Good morning, Becky", John says, "I'm very sorry for your loss."

Becky smiles and clasps his hand, thankful. John turns to Carol, he actually looks at her feet.

"I'll take the opportunity to run some errands in the city. I'll be back late".

"Fine."

Carol does not know why she does it. On impulse, she stands on tiptoe and kisses his cheek. He frowns, annoyed. He gets in the car and starts the engine, without looking back even once. The fumes from the exhaust pipe almost suffocate Carol.

"He's not going to stay", she hears Becky speaking next to her.

She does not answer. She twirls the cup between her hands several times, inadvertently. Becky points to the door.

"I'm going to fetch Lisa. Can you keep an eye on my baby?"

Carol nods. After Becky leaves, she looks through the car window. Baby Tom is sleeping soundly in his baby seat. How could Andrew do this to him? How could he leave him? She would have never been able to abandon Lisa. Never, not even at her lowest moments. Tom wakes up and looks at her with his huge eyes. He has his father's eyes.

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John parks the car in the moor and changes his shoes for hiking boots. He walks slowly towards the ruined farmhouse. He always hated that place and now with more motives than ever. He remembers the day after Andrew's death, when Lisa and him went to look for Carol. He could not believe his eyes. That same farmhouse… the place where his wife met Andrew in secret. As a child, John had cursed that place. Now the farmhouse laughs in his face, reminding him it is going to take everything from him once again. John enters. There is stuff from the paramedicsscattered on the floor and drops of blood, at the place where Andrew cut his veins. Other things have been there longer. Two car seats, burned candles, an old duvet full of damp…and there, engraved on the stone wall, their names:

CAROL + ANDREW

Marking their territory. Only it is not theirs. John touches the stone with his hand, angry.

"I was here first."

He goes to the other side of the farmhouse and kneels next to the wall. It has been more than twenty years. Will it be there still? He removes one of the stones and smiles when finding it. Covered in mud, missing a wheel, but with the red and white still intact. His little sister's Starsky and Hutch car. He had hidden it there to make her angry. He twirls it between his fingers. What would Carol say if she knew that farmhouse had been his? If she knew those ruins could have been his family's farm?

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Carol has changed clothes three times. She shakes her head and changes again. She knows she must hurry. It is almost two in the afternoon and the funeral is starting in half an hour. She finally settles for grey trousers and a black knitwear pullover. She will also wear her trench. What will she do about her hair? Will it be better loose or in a bun? She looks at herself in the mirror and feels stupid. She is going to a funeral, not to a party. Andrew does not care about the way she looks. The telephone rings downstairs. Carol grabs her bag and trench, goes down and picks it up, absent-minded.

"Hello?"

It is a woman's voice.

"Ms. Carol Bolton? This is Ms. Grey, from Halifax Bank. I just wanted to know if your husband is feeling better."

Carol frowns, shocked.

"What happened? Is there any problem with the tenancy?"

"No, it's not about that. In fact, we are impressed with the improvements you made in such a short time. I just wanted to know what the doctor told Mr. Standring."

Carol's heart starts beating fast.

"My husband did not come back since this morning", she feels her throat dry. "Please tell me what happened to him."