It's all stumbling apologies for weeks. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

It's tears falling in the middle of the night and Clary knocking on his door. He lets her in and curls up in her arms because she's a stranger and not one of his siblings and she knows knows knows.

It's all the mornings waking up, shivering, with Clary next to him and soothing words it'll be okay okay okay.

It's all the dial tones and voice mails and sometimes he calls just to hear his voice one last time time time.

It's hard work during the day and pretending that you don't care care care.

It's the snap of the phone when he breaks it because he's so damn sick of the tears and he's never going to take you back back back.

It's the screaming and fighting while they stand off the to the side knowing he needs to let out his emotions before he breaks breaks breaks.

It's the slamming of doors and the voices calling after him but can't they see that he doesn't fucking care right now now now?

It's the empty feeling of heartbreak as he runs down the streets. He doesn't care that he may or may not hit people and he doesn't care that they yell at him because can't they see that he just needs a release release release?

It's when she finds him; she just sits there and doesn't say a word. She lets him curl into her side and bury his face into her soft red hair and imagine that it's him holding onto him like they do every night in his bed. She runs her hands up and down his arm and lets him cry and release all the pent up emotions that he can't seem to control control control.

It's the shock when he finds them on the street corner under the flickering streetlamp. He opens his arms and just stands there. He can't move from her side. Finally, she pushes him forward and he stumbles into his arms that welcome him for the first time in what feels like years years years.

It's the jolt of seeing all his things at his apartment in a bag with a note that tells him he's sorry for breaking his phone phone phone.

It's the warmth of the bed and the relief that he's there in the first place place place.

It's all the apologies for hours from both of them and they laugh and cry and he just can't wake up from the dream dream dream.

It's they mumbled "I love you"s and kisses and hugs and when he wakes up in the morning and finds himself in his arms he cries cries cries.

It's the explanations of what happened and the promises that he's actually going to let him in and trust him for once once once.

It's the fact that he doesn't care anymore and he just wants him. He doesn't care about his past and he can figure out the future when it comes. But for now-

"I'm never letting you go again, because I can't live without you."