Easy Silence


For Berkie. Who is so often the sun when my days are cloudy.


Easy Silence that you make for me

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me

~The Dixie Chicks

She isn't entirely sure what brings it on, or knows why it happens, or why it picks the days that it does. But sometimes the world is dark and cloudy, a heaviness that sits on her chest, makes her limbs feel sore and tired. It wears her out, gives the feeling of traveling through mud. A tinge of grey seems to settle over everything she sees, makes her feel numb, exhausted and emotionally drained.

There is no defining moment that sets her is these moods, no last straw or specific point in time. There is no easy explanation for them, or a simple solution. She finds she must wade through it, feel it, let it drift her along on autopilot until she finds the end and comes out the other side.

Her brain is loud in these moments. The outside world seems dull and mute, but her insides are screaming. Telling her everything she did wrong, highlighting all her mistakes and misgivings, reminding her of what her nightmares are made of.

She thinks of all the ways she has failed and comes up with a hundred new ways that she might. She sees the worst case scenarios played out like a movie inside her head. She can tell you the beginning, middle, and end of each of these stories, so convincing that she almost believes they could come to life at any second. Her mind twists and turns until she'd give anything for it to just stop, for it to just be quiet.

She used to have to fight these days, hide them away, use all her strength and energy to put on a good show, act as though everything was alright. But she doesn't have to do that anymore, doesn't have to pretend that some days are not just horrible for no reason at all. She doesn't have to act like she is fine when she is in fact not.

Because he understands.

He understands her.

He asked the first time if she was okay, wanted to know if he had done something wrong. She told him that he was fine, explained that she wasn't angry, and in a moment of courage she told him about the thoughts in her head and how some days are just dark and heavy, how they weigh her down. He didn't poke fun or make her feel crazy. He simply hugged her and said "I get that."

So now he doesn't poke or prod, doesn't pester her about her mood or hassle her for acting down in the dumps. He doesn't force her to talk about it, or go out of his way to make her feel better. He simply lets her be—but with hugs a little tighter, kisses a little slower and more whispered "I love yous" in her ear.

And when her mind plays loudly on a continuous loop, when it just won't shut up, she can place her body right alongside his, press her face up against his neck, and find the silence she's been craving.

"And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay"


Always love to hear your thoughts.