APRIL
I had always hated the first day.
Every year of school, college for the first time, medical school, every job that I had taken whether it was working at the small pharmacy in Moline on the weekends for some extra cash, meeting parents of a child I was babysitting for the first time, or upon the start of my professional career and working at the hospital, I had always hated first days. They made my stomach church with nerves no matter how prepared I was for everything facing me. It seemed like no matter how sharp I dressed or how frizz-free my hair was, I always found something about my appearance to nitpick. It's a lot easier to nitpick when I have to wear scrubs, too. Even if it's uniform, nothing about them fits well, even when they're my size.
There was a certain change that came with that kind of first that couldn't be avoided. New people, new surroundings, new expectations – either a combination of them or all of the above. All of them took more time to adjust than I would have liked, no matter how I tried to anticipate them, it seemed like there was always a set of surprise waiting on the other side of the door. There was no peephole for me to try and get a look at, they were just there, waiting to catch me off guard and trip me up. I would do everything that I could to try and predict this one, and I was lucky that I had someone on the inside to try and warn me about the happenings. I wasn't trying to depend on that too much, wanting to maintain and assert some level of independence, but right now, I needed just about every ounce of help that I could possibly get.
Light blue scrubs at new. They brought out the color in my eyes a little more than the ugly orange scrubs that I had been wearing for the past two and half years in my surgical residency at Mercy West Hospital. They don't make me look quite as dead. They don't fit any better but it seemed like there was nothing that was going to be done to counter that.
Nerves fluttered in the pit of my stomach as I stared at my appearance in the mirror for a moment, taking a deep breath. Long, red curls cascaded over my shoulder. My hair had become my signature over the years and I had been a little bit obsessive about making sure that it looked nice whether it was down and framing my face like this, or pulled back for an easy tuck into a scrub cap. Operating at this place on my first day seemed unlikely. Seattle Grace Hospital was bigger, better than Mercy West. I wasn't oblivious to that.
There was a lot to prove. Even though I had been at the top of my class in medical school at Northwestern University, my stellar grades hadn't been quite enough to get me into some of the best programs across the country. Mercy West was a good one, of course, great even. It just wasn't the best. It wasn't a top-five program like Seattle Grace. Interviewing for those positions had always been my big weakness. It was easy to depend on my grades and resume for all of the strengths that were displayed, but I just couldn't muster up the same amount of confidence when it came to talking about who I was as a person, or why I would be the best fit for a program. It was something that I had criticized myself for, well, a lot. It just fed right back into the cycle of knocking down my confidence. Today was one of those days where I was going to need it.
"You can do this," I spoke to myself. "You're a good doctor. You're good. You are the future of medicine."
As much as I don't want to have to bring my clutch for the sake of what other people might think upon seeing it, my little red notebook was tucked securely into my purse. Every phrase that was imprinted inside of it already had a permanent place in my brain. I had memorized pretty much everything in those tear-stained pages from the time that had been spent pouring over it. No one else had seen it except for myself and my boyfriend. Even that had been accidental.
The sound of a horn honking outside of my apartment caused me to jump unintentionally. Agreeing to drive together had been a bit of stressor, even though I knew that he was just trying to help make my first day at the new hospital as smooth as possible. He already worked there. When we were at separate hospitals, it hadn't been weird, the fact that he was a bit older and further into his career. There had been nothing to worry about because he had no influence over my medical and professional education other than what he might throw at me when neither one of us was at work. But now that was more of a question left up in the air.
Bending down, I quickly tied up both of my sneakers and grabbed my phone, keys, and purse. There was a text from five minutes ago that I had missed from him, letting me know that he was there. Pulling the door shut behind me and locking it, I quickly headed down the stairs to his car where he was waiting for me.
"Hi, sorry," I rushed the words out as I got into the passenger seat. "I didn't see your text."
"It's okay, I figured," he shrugged off the words, leaning over to give me a quick kiss on the lips. "I got here early. Wanted to make sure that you weren't late on your first day here."
"Thanks." I smiled, patting the hand that rested on the center console.
Nathan was a good boyfriend, by all counts. Even if he was about a decade older than I was, which didn't seem quite as important given the field that we were in, so much of our life was spent in the education phase instead of real-world experience, he was kind and always patient with me. He had asked me out the first time that we met at a medical conference and it had continued from there. He had plenty of war stories to enthrall me with – it had given me a strong interest in trauma, although he was technically the head of cardiothoracic surgery at Seattle Grace, not trauma.
Which was just one more thing that I was nervous about upon our hospitals merging together. It had been easy when we were separate. I wasn't sure what was going to change now that we were working at the same hospital. Cardio wasn't a big interest of mine which made things a little easier, I hoped. But there were still going to be rumors and assumptions if it was anything like Mercy West.
"Are you sure that it's a good idea for us to go in together?" I questioned, glancing over at him.
"Why not?" He questioned, clearly much more relaxed than I was.
"I don't want people to just… associate me with you, you know? I know that I've been over here once or twice with you but that was different because I didn't work here back then." The rambles became quickly. "I want people to know me for me and my talents. It's already going to be hard enough to catch up. I know it's more competitive here." It was also a level one trauma center, whereas Mercy West hadn't been one. Maybe I would be better suited for something else like peds if I couldn't keep up.
"You've got to stop underestimating yourself like that, Keps." Nathan glanced over at me for a moment before beginning to drive again. "You're good at what you do. Trust me, I wouldn't be interested in you if you weren't. I know that you're good. You just have to make sure that I'm not the only one who knows it."
Of course, there was also the threat of being fired.
It was unreasonable to expect that Seattle Grace would be able to accommodate every single staff member that was coming over from Mercy West. I knew that going in. People had been let go in batches before the merger had actually happened at Mercy West, at least. I didn't know if the same was true of Seattle Grace. I had made it this far, which should have been some kind of solidifying proof that I would be okay. But the nerves didn't know that yet.
"It's reasonable for me to be worried," I concluded with a sigh. "Most of my peers have already been let go and what if I'm just not prepared to keep up? I've never worked in a level one trauma center before. That's a big jump."
"A jump that you're prepared for." He insisted. "I… I do have to warn you, though. Hunt, the head of trauma… we're not great friends. I've avoided mentioning you since the merger was brought up and I'm hoping that he won't recognize you. I'm not sure if he'll separate or not but I thought that you should know ahead of time, just in case he starts acting like an ass to you."
"And you're just now telling me about this?" The pitch of my voice raised sharply.
"Hey, hey. It might be nothing. He probably won't recognize you. I just don't want you to go in blind." I groaned as he continued speaking, covering my face with my hand for a moment and shaking my head. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail quickly, hoping to minimize the appearance of it.
"I really wish you would've told me sooner, Nathan," I breathed out with a shake of my head.
"I didn't want you panicking about it for longer than necessary." Which is exactly what I would have done, but hearing that didn't change how I felt.
I sighed. "Hopefully he'll forget about it, but that means that we're going to have to be really, really subtle. Or maybe we should just act like we don't know each other at all and he won't notice. At least, not until I prove myself." If I was capable of proving myself.
"Well, some of them are going to know you by name alone." He reminded me.
"Oh boy," I uttered. "It's fine. It's fine. It's going to be fine." I repeated to myself.
"Yes, it is," Nathan confirmed.
Heart pounding away inside of my ribcage much faster than what it should have been, to my relief, Nathan does let me walk in without him. I was glad that I at least knew where to go. That was at least one advantage that I managed to have over some of the few other people who had made it this far. I wasn't looking for advantages over them, though. I just wanted to try and be on the same field as everyone else to even it out.
This hospital was bigger than the one that I was used to. It appeared much more modern, too. I had a facade of blending in for a moment with the scrubs on for this place, which was a relief. No one turned their head to look at me like I was an invader, even though at that moment, that was exactly what I was. A stranger. A virus. All of us were. How far we would get with infecting the hospital and causing any kind of change, or whether we would be gotten rid of, or faced to adapt… that was all very unclear. I just didn't want to get fired. That seemed like an easier goal to focus on.
Navigating my way to the locker room even though I was already in my scrubs for the day, t doesn't take me long to get there. Reed, the other surgical intern left in my class thus far, spotted me and quickly followed. We got along well but she was just as nervous about this merger as I was. It was hard not to be. It seemed like everyone at Seattle Grace was going to get first priority and we were just trying to squeeze into what budget had been given over – it was never enough. The budget was never enough no matter what hospital it seemed like you went to, there was always something sucking away it unfairly. I didn't want to be just another victim of it, attempting to find a job somewhere else. Losing it mid residency would be hard to make up for. I wasn't sure what I would do if I got fired.
"Can't believe we have to make a bunch of room for random new people." A male voice grumbled.
"It's fine. Most of them are probably going to get fired. If they weren't good at enough to get in here in the first place, then they're not going to be good enough to stick around. It's a waste of our time." This time it was a female voice. I sighed quietly.
"We're going to be fine." Another female speaking. "Don't worry about it."
"Still, it's annoying that we have to deal with them in the first place. Hopefully, they'll all be fired soon." The first female said.
Oh boy. This wasn't going to go well.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the locker room and looked around the people that were in it so far. It was three woman – a blonde, a dirty blonde, and an Asian woman – and one male. It was hard to tell which woman had said what, which one I had to really watch out for. Or maybe I just needed to watch out for all of them.
"Hi." My voice comes out higher pitched and quieter than I would have linked and I internally winched at the mousey way that I sounded. I was supposed to come off strong, not… so like me. Ugh.
The two that weren't facing me whipped around to see who I was, all four sets of eyes on me as I took a deep breath. My cheeks were burning red and I was sure that it had to be obvious even with a nice layer of tinted moisturizer on my face. Don't panic. Don't throw up. The mantra repeated a few times in my head. But even repeating it doesn't soothe my agitated nerves.
"I'm uh, I'm April. April Kepner. I'm one of the new surgical residents." I held out my hand and no one took it.
Cristina Yang and Alex Karev. Two names that I only get from the swirling text on the lab coats that they put on. They turn away from me and blocked me out of the little circle that they had formed and I hold back the defeated sigh that I could feel in my throat, trying dos wallow it down. I moved toward one of the empty lockers and don't give another attempting, putting my purse in there and taking off my earrings. They were a gift from Nathan. I'd called them my lucky earrings, little gold four left clovers. So much for that luck rubbing off on me.
A small bump of the elbow was given to me as Reed joined me in the empty locker next to me and I looked up at her, giving her a soft smile. She had much more confidence than me – even tinier than I was, which was saying something, but she was a spitfire. No one walked over her without a fight.
"Are they already being bitches?" Reed whispered to me. I couldn't help but give a snort.
"They're not happy we're here." That was a diplomatic way of saying yes.
"Well, it's not like we're happy to be here anyway," she replied with a pointed look, eyebrows arching up in her forehead. Happy certainly would have been overstating it. "Although lucky you, you get to sneak around with your boyfriend now without having to drive across town."
"That's not funny," I remarked.
Of course, that would be when the others decided to chime in about us.
"Oh, so you're the one dating Riggs?" Cristina seemed to take interest in that and I took a deep breath before turning around and plastering a smile on my face, nodding my head.
"Yes, I am his girlfriend," I stated simply.
"Well, you need to start doing a better job or something in bed, 'cause all of his uptight bullshit with Owen needs to stop." I nearly choked on my words at Cristina's blatant words and my eyes widened for a moment, at a loss for what to say, not even able to defend my boyfriend. Of all of the comments that I had mentally prepared myself for, that hadn't been one. Maybe because I hadn't been aware that he had such a problem with someone else working here.
Silence is the only thing that I could respond with, which earned laughter from the other group of residents. I turned away quickly with my cheeks burning, looking to Reed with wide eyes as if she might offer some guidance. Instead, she just gave me a shrug of her shoulders, like it was my fault.
Yes, dating Nathan was a conscious decision on my part. That much was obvious. But this hospital merger had been the furthest thing from what I wanted and this was just another piece of proof served up to remind me of how hard it was going to be to try and adjust to this new hospital. It had taken me nearly two years to really make friends with the other residents and now that I was halfway through, I wasn't sure if I really had time for that. Which of them were interested in trauma or peds? Who was I going to have to compete with to try and get a spot here? I had too many questions and not nearly enough answers.
Pagers begin to go off and I look at mine. There's not a message on mine but it seemed like everyone else had one on theirs. Great. Just another way that today was getting off to a great start.
Everyone ran off and I stood there for a moment, alone in the room and taking a deep breath. Overreacting wasn't necessary. I wasn't sure why I wouldn't get paged and Reed would, unless… Hunt knew about it. No. The chances of that happening were unlikely. If he and Riggs were at odd ends, then it would have been weird for him to keep up and remember his girlfriend by the last name, especially. I assumed that was how we were going to be addressed here.
Despite not being paged to it, once my purse is down and everything else is out of my way, I head down to the emergency room. Nathan had shown me where it was and at least it was one place that I didn't have to worry about getting lost on my way too. It's just as impressive as my memory told me it was, larger and much more spacious than the one at Mercy West, more trauma and triage rooms, more beds. There was a big nurse's station in the middle of it. This was the kind of place that any aspiring trauma surgeon would want to work in, not the dinky little one that Mercy West had. This was where I needed to find my new home.
"Uh, hi," I greeted one of the nurses nervously. "Which one is Dr. Hunt?"
"Him." A judgmental glance over was given my way as she pointed him out.
"Thank you." I politely kept the smile on my face.
Taking a deep breath and letting it fill my lungs, I bounced over to the other surgeon. I didn't see any of the residents following him around, which may or may not have been a good thing. He could have already assigned them to whatever was going on in the emergency room today, or maybe none of them were particularly interested in trauma surgery as I was. The latter seemed like a bit of wishful thinking.
"Hi, Dr. Hunt?" I started, trying to keep my voice firm.
"Yes?" He replied, turning back to face me. He was tall, about Nathan's age, another redhead.
"Hi!" I chirped out, just a little too high-pitched. "I'm April. Dr. April Kepner. I came with the merger over at Mercy West, a third-year surgical intern over there. I've actually been doing a lot of work in trauma over there so I thought this would be a good place for me to go ahead and get started today." The rambling is mostly kept under control, though the too hopeful smile isn't.
"Huh." Dr. Hunt's brow furrowed as he stared down at me skeptically for a moment and I attempted to keep the smile from faltering across my expression under such scrutiny. "Riggs' girlfriend, right?" Dang it.
"Yeah, uh, that's me." I chuckled awkwardly and cleared my throat before continuing. "But I don't want or expect any special treatment, I'm a resident just like everyone else and I know that. And I really like trauma. Cardiothoracic is a little overrated and flashy if you ask me, but trauma is much more gratifying at the end of the day, so I doubt I'll even spend a lot of time around him while we're here at work." There was the exact ramble that I was trying to avoid in the first place.
Hunt snorted, shaking his head at me. "That's the last thing that you're going to get around here."
What was that supposed to mean?
I don't open my mouth to ask about it and instead keep that same smile plastered painfully across my face and nod my head. I wanted to try and make the best possible impression on him even if it seemed like my chances were already in the toilet, given the painfully tense relationship that he had with Nathan. I didn't want to be in the middle of it, that was the absolute last thing that I wanted, but it already appeared that I wasn't going to have much of a choice in that particular matter. I would have to find a way to suck it up and prove that I was talented enough for him to give me a fair chance.
"Well, I'm here and I'm ready to work. Where do you want me?" I asked.
"We had some burn patients come in early. Sloan and Avery could probably use some help with them." He suggested, looking down at the tablet in his hands as he spoke instead of at me.
"Right, okay." Not exactly thrilling but I didn't want to have a bad attitude. "And uh, are they… somewhere here or in the burn unit?" I asked.
"Burn unit."
Right. I didn't know where that was, but I wasn't about to tell him that.
Giving him one more smile that almost certainly didn't reach my eyes, I turned on my heel and set off to find the burn unit as quickly as possible. Avery must have been one of the other girls who had been in the locker room, one of the blondes. Sloan I had heard about some from Nathan, he was the head of plastics. Good to make a strong impression on, but not necessarily a top priority compared to some of the other department heads in surgery.
It took a little too much focus to not squirm while waiting on the elevator to reach the right floor. Following the sighs, it doesn't take long to find it. There's a man in navy blue scrubs – either Sloan himself or an attending. Someone more important than me in my light blue scrubs.
"Dr. Sloan?" I tried, putting a sweet smile on my face.
He turned around and without any subtlety in the words, checked me out. My cheeks burned again. It seemed like this was the only situation all day where having a boyfriend who worked at the hospital might actually help.
"Hi," I said with a faltering smile. "I'm Dr. April Kepner. One of the surgical residents from Mercy West who came over here in the merger. Dr. Hunt said that you might need some help with removing debris from some of the burn victims who came in earlier today?" My eyebrows raised up hopefully.
"Ah, yeah – wait a minute, you said Kepner?" I nodded. "Nathan's girl?"
"Yep." I popped the syllable. "That's me. But I know the drill. No special treatment or anything."
"Uh-huh," he chuckled, looking me over once more and giving a shake of his head. Something about this was amusing to me. "Well, Avery's already in there working on Mr. Williams, but I'm sure that he could use an extra set of hands with Mrs. Williams. Get gowned up and get in there."
Finally!
A real, gleeful grin finally spreading on my cheeks, I quickly went to grab a gown and slid into it, pulling on a pair of gloves over it. Even if removing debris from burn patients wasn't the most enthralling task in the world, it was a lot better than doing nothing, or dealing with drunks in the emergency room. It'd be a nice test to make sure that my vision was still as sharp as I thought it was.
Sloan had disappeared somewhere and I don't ask around for where Avery or the Williams was, peeking around at a few of the rooms. I didn't see either of the women that I had seen earlier today in the locker room, which might have been for the best, even if it was a little confusing in the context of what he had said to me a few moments ago. The only other person that I see working is a man in light blue scrubs like me, hunched over a male patient and working on removing debris from his injury. Hm. Weird. I don't think too much about it as I push open the door to the room and pull it shut behind me before starting with my little intro spiel again.
"Hi there, I'm Dr. April Kepner, I–"
Suddenly, I froze.
Blinking in surprise, as the male glanced up at me when I began speaking, it was a familiar face staring back at me. My heart raced inside my chest and no amount of breathing exercises or meditative thoughts would have had the power to slow it back down at that moment. My breath was caught in my throat until my insides burned just enough to seek in a little fresh air through my nose. This was not really happening. I had to be imagining it. Or maybe it was another one of the far too creative nightmares that my brain had piled together in preparation for this day. Maybe I was dreaming. Pinching my thigh subtly, nothing about what I was staring at changed. I hadn't seen that face in… just over ten years now. That had been the last time that I had seen Jackson Avery with my own two eyes.
"Hey, berry." It had been over ten years since I had heard that nickname from anyone. He sounded almost the exact same as he had then, maybe his voice just a hair deeper. He looked different – he had buffed out and his hair was shaved short now, instead of the handsome curls that he had when he was a child and teenager. Those beautiful eyes were the exact same, staring at me with something that I couldn't recognize. That was new.
I'm sixteen years old and somehow, this was the first date with a boy that I had ever been on.
Libby had dated around when she was in high school. She had been overwhelmingly popular with everyone, smooth, luscious hair and perfectly straight teeth, two things that I desperately wished to have as naturally as she did. I had never been popular with those crowds, no matter how I wanted to be. Instead, I was one of the nerds, nose buried in a book and only approached if someone needed help with homework or essay assignments.
That meant that I pretty much had one male friend, the only person in our group who certainly didn't belong in our group. Jackson belonged in every group in the school, though. He was the captain of the football team even though he was rather lean compared to a few of the guys. He was charismatic and won just about everyone over with a little bit of effort, nowhere near the amount that I had to put in to get people to be willing to talk to me. And somehow, he was one of the nerds, too. I knew that he had medical school aspirations even though he didn't tell most people that because of the expectations that came with being an Avery. His family was famous, apparently. I knew that they had a big, rich family foundation.
Despite that, our date wasn't big and fancy like I thought he might want.
A checkered picnic blanket was spread out between us and there was a basket that I was sure he had snuck behind my back and gotten from my mom because I knew I recognized it from somewhere. Mom adored him, thought that he was perfect in every way possible. She had since we were six.
"I can't believe you brought wine! That's so naughty, Jackson." I laughed with a shake of my head.
"Well, I also brought some Coke, because I figured there was a good chance you'd refuse to drink the wine." He chuckled, pulling out two glass bottles of the soda a moment later and a bottle opener. He opened up both of them and handed one over to me.
"What else do you have in there?" I scooted closer to him, our thighs pressed against one another's.
"I brought ham and cheese sandwiches, one with way too much mayo specifically for you. Those cheeseballs that you liked, pretzels, strawberries of course, and two pieces of apple pie."
I couldn't help but smile as he listed strawberries. That was how we had met, over strawberries. It had been in Kindergarten. Apparently, strawberries were his favorite food at the time and he had taken to just stealing one of mine whenever he thought that I wasn't paying any attention. Had noticed most of the time, at least, I thought I had. But I had never said a word or tried to stop him just because I wanted to be nice. After a week or two of that, I'd asked Mom to pack me an extra box of strawberries for the nice boy with curly hair. Everything after that felt like ancient history.
"Hey, Jackson." My mouth was completely dry as I stared at him. "It's uh, it has been a while."
Thank God that both of the patients in the room appeared to be momentarily asleep or unconscious.
"Yeah, it has," Jackson agreed as his head turned away from me, with his tone suddenly turning darker than before. "I believe that's your fault."
