The idea for this just popped into my head and was quickly written.
Post-finale
I never asked for forgiveness.
I should have.
Now, I'll never be able to.
Leaving Lockhart/Gardner was a mistake. The worst part was hurting you.
I can still see your face, the look in your eyes when you confronted me in my office.
Do you remember escorting me to the elevator, telling me you didn't give a damn? As soon as the doors closed, I cried. I cried because then I knew I had destroyed whatever we had.
We never really defined what we had, did we? That's something else we can't do now.
I loved you...and that scared me. I was scared of walking away from my marriage. I was afraid how that would affect my kids. I didn't want all the office gossip that I slept my way to the top.
That's why I left. I ran from you. I ran from my feelings. I ran from what could have been if I hadn't been so afraid.
And for all of that, where did I end a few years later?
Peter and I eventually divorced.
Grace is in college in California. She wasn't happy about the divorce. She's accepted it, but I think there's a strain in our relationship that wasn't there before.
Zach's in France, even further away...and married, a house husband, actually. I think he approves of the divorce the way I approve of his marriage. Our relationship was already strained for a few years, since I found out about the abortion.
My career is a mess.
I lost everything I was trying to save, realized letting it go wouldn't have been so bad, and the part that hurts the most, is losing you.
When I told you that night in New York that that was the happiest I'd ever been, I meant it. The nine months I was with you, I was happier than I had ever been. I think that also scared me. I didn't think that could last. I didn't believe one could go on through life feeling like that. It would eventually wear off or something. Maybe my mother was right, about happiness - the importance of making choices because they make you happy. Maybe I shouldn't have been so stubborn and headstrong about making choices in my life that would prove her wrong.
I should have told you that I loved you when I had the chance.
I should have accepted when you offered me managing partner, not for the title or the position, but because I would have been working with you.
I miss working with you.
I miss you.
I miss what we had.
And I miss what we could have had, but never will.
