Okay so I was going to wait until I had finished this story but seeing as there hasn't been much fic updates I said I'd fire what I have up now!
Here's the first two chapters. I have a clear enough idea of how and where I want the story to progress. It will be more drawn out than my last one because I want to keep it as realistic as possible. Hope to introduce a character or two that we don't get to see enough of in the show, which will provide pivotal Donna-Harvey development! :) Will update soon. Thanks for reading and god bless your patient Darvey hearts!
Chapter One: Donna
She had finally acted on those unresolved feelings that have been a constant presence in her life since she met Harvey Specter. Burning a hole in her heart for years now. Any longer and it would have killed her. Kissing him wasn't an act of passion or even compassion. It was for her. Probably the third thing shes ever done for herself in their entire 13 year friendship. She had to know if there was something there. For her own sanity. Was it all just for nothing? All this time has there really been nothing there? Do I love him? Now she knew. No. No. Yes.
She realised next that she would have to think about how he had reacted to her kiss. She never expected him to lean in, to let it happen. She was convinced he would pull away. So now instead of just knowing how it made her feel, she unintentionally discovered how he may feel deep inside too. After all this time. However, this does not excite her. It does not trick her into thinking Harvey is ready to run off into the sunset with her. No. Not at all. He would be shocked then angry, that much she knew. He would either ignore what had happened for as long as humanly possible or come knocking one night, demanding answers and apologies. She didn't know which response she would prefer. And she is not going to apologise for who she is.
It was relieving to know that after all this time it wasn't just her. She hadn't fabricated an invisible romance in her head. It wasn't unrequited after all. A man as loyal as Harvey would not let a kiss like that even begin, let alone allow it to last until she pulled away.
Although his current relationship status wasn't on the forefront of her mind in the adrenaline-fueled moments leading up to the kiss, it sure was now. I didn't expect him to kiss me back.. He'll hate me for this.. His mother.. Before she let the guilt take over her entire mind and body, she shook those nagging voices from her head. Harvey needs a wake up call. If this doesn't do that, nothing will.
Remembering that she left her belongings in her office, which he was probably still standing in, she decided to take the elevator down to the IT floor. Knowing Harvey never steps foot in the place. Almost all of the main lights were off as everyone had gone home. Everyone except Benjamin. He was at the bottom of the room in his small office filled with flashing lights and wires and expensive computer equipment.
When Donna noticed he was there she smiled before lightly tapping on the glass door of his room. She was glad to cross paths again, having not seen much of him in the past few months since their business endeavour went south. He didn't have anything to do with the harsh, unforgiving working environment of Pearson Specter Litt's 50th floor. Just a sweet, social outcast with a gift for anything technological.
"Donna?" he murmered, looking up from the half-eaten Egg McMuffin tightly held in his left hand, tapping away on the keyboard with his right.
"Hi Benjamin." she said in an almost whisper.
"Didn't expect to see you down here anymore." he added, freeing up both hands to look at her.
"Why is that?" she questioned, raising her voice slightly.
"You're the COO now." he proudly stated, "You don't have time to be visiting the likes of me?"
"Benjamin! I'll always have time for you. We may not be business partners anymore, but I'd hope that doesn't mean we can't still be friends?" she defended warmly.
"Of course not Donna. We can be friends." he said in that monotone voice of his.
Although he wasn't an exceptional people person like her, the popular extrovert, they understood each other. They had both spent years working their bones off at PSL without getting the recognition they deserved.
"So, what brings you all the way down here then ..friend?" he quizzed, "Hardware troubles? Or does your software need an update 'cause I can do that for you now if you like?" He eagerly rose from his chair.
Any other day she would tease him with dirty tech innuendos that she knew he would pretend not to understand. But not today. She wasn't feeling particularly humorous.
"No, Benjamin." she chuckled lightly, "I just needed to get away. Somewhere peaceful. Where nobody will find me."
He sat back down, "Well you came to the right place. Nothing but peace down here at this time of night." he confirmed, an awkward smile taking over his face.
Benjamin couldn't help but notice how forlorn she seemed, for such a usually spirited soul. He wanted to ask if everything was alright but he couldn't get it out. Even though he had tremendous admiration for Donna, he found it hard to talk emotions, with anyone.
She could almost see those thoughts rolling around in his head and laughed to herself. Another man that's too afraid to ask me how I feel.
She pulled up one of the spare swivel chairs standing dormant in his office to sit closer to him, "I just need a break from upstairs is all." she let out with a sigh, pointing to the ceiling.
He turned to her then, mustering up every empathetic cell in his body. Wanting to be more like the woman sat opposite him. Knowing how great she is at deciphering other people's feelings and responding appropriately, "Want to talk about it?" he asked, putting his desktop in sleep mode to show his interest in her. A small act coming from anyone else, but it felt oddly thoughtful coming from someone like him, who eats, sleeps and breaths computers.
"Not sure there's much I can say." she replied, placing her elbow on his desk and catching her chin with her palm, tapping it slightly with her dark nails. The very nails that were gliding through his hair just moments earlier. Before sliding down to measure his perfect jawline. Making him jolt his head back ever so slightly in utter astonishment.
"The mighty Donna Paulsen with nothing to say? Highly doubt that." Benjamin said, interrupting her most recent memory, his tone getting sweeter by the second. She wondered if he'd been using 'The Donna' lately because he seemed slightly better at conversing now than he had before. Maybe the smart little machine had taught him a thing or two.
"Stranger things have happened, Ben." she joked, knowing he preferred to be called by his full-name. Slightly hoping that this would distract from the questions he was beginning to ask. Not fully sure if she herself was ready to talk about what had happened.
"Okay.. like what?" He wasn't giving up. He could see her eyes were hurting, badly.
Donna slouched back on the chair and put her feet up on the desk. Relaxing. Like she used to do as a secretary. But now, as COO, there seemed to be no time for downtime, "I kissed somebody that I shouldn't have kissed." she stated, staring into space, deep in thought.
"Why?" he asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
"Why ..did I kiss him?" she uttered in response.
"Why 'shouldn't' you have kissed him?" he corrected.
She pondered for a moment before coming up with a reply, "The answer to that should be because he has a girlfriend ..but for some reason the answer that keeps coming back to me is ..because ..now things can never go back to the way they were."
Donna remembers the time she told Rachel that she hadn't slept with Harvey 'because you can never go back'. Even though she had actually slept with him and they did manage to go back to being friends. She found it amusing how, after having sex with one another over a decade ago now, they had been able to put that aside and work together again, remaining great friends in the process. But how now, after only kissing him, she felt like they could never go back to being purely platonic with each other again. Too much has been hinted at in the last few years, without actually being said. And that kiss was just confirmation, for them both, that she isn't happy with their relationship as it stands. She wants more. She needs more. And now it was clear, to them both, that that 'more' is not going to be filled with a job promotion.
"Well wasn't that much obvious when you thought about engaging in the kiss, Donna?" he questioned.
His bluntness caught her off guard for a moment before she realised the truth behind it. Reaffirming what she already knew. Things couldn't go back to normal now. But she was kind of glad at that. Things needed to change. She wanted them to change. No more being comfortable as buddies. Best pals. Partners in crime. Not unless it also came with another kind of label. Girlfriend. Wife. She was adamant that she did not want to spend another 13 years wondering if he loved her back. If there could have been something more.
"Yes, Benjamin. I guess it was.." she realised.
After a moment of him gazing at her and her gazing into space, he commented again, "Well then there's only one other question I can think of asking.." he said furrowing his brows, "Do you want to kiss him, again?"
She hated how quick the answer came into her head and tried to steer the conversation away from having to respond to his question, "Actually there's another question I can think of.."
"Does he want to kiss you ..again?" Benjamin guessed, correctly.
Donna let out a silent laugh, just exhaling bursts of air from her nostrils, and smiled sadly. Her hands formed a subtle thumbs up towards Benjamin, "Bingo."
"Any man that doesn't have an immediate 'yes' answer to that question is a fool, Donna." he comforted, ignoring his own desire to reach out and take hold of her hand to show his support.
She took in her friends words and was glad that she had come here. He showed kindness when she needed it the most. His statement made her think of some of the men in her life who have loved her, and who she subconsciously pushed away, to focus on the one that didn't love her enough. So it seemed.
"Donna, if there's anything I can do for you, to help make you feel better, anything at all, you just say the words." he assured her.
"Actually.." she trailed off. "I left my coat and bag upstairs in my office. I don't wanna go back up there yet in case h-"
"He's there?"
She realised for the first time that Benjamin knew it was Harvey that they were referring to all this time. He's not as clueless about relationships as I thought.
"Say no more Donna. I'll go right now, you can wait here and I'll be right back." He stood up rather rapidly, delighted with having something practical to help her with. Having reached his peak level of emotional support.
"Thank you, Benjamin." Donna smiled, before watching him take off like he was chasing an ice-cream truck, much to her amusement.
The redhead sat there quietly, more at peace with her soul in that moment, than she had been the entire last decade.
Either way, I'll be alright, she thought.
