"Okay, Levi. How about this. I'll trade you Baltic and Oriental for Pacific. Plus $100."
"That's the worst deal I've ever heard. And last turn Hanji tried to buy Pennsylvania from me with $75 and no rent on a space of my choosing."
"Hey! That was not a bad deal, you were just too stupid to accept!" Hanji defended, leaning across the board to flick me in the nose.
I can no longer remember which of the two idiots before me had suggested that we play Monopoly, but nevertheless we were sat on the floor around my coffee table an hour into a game. It seemed like Hanji would soon be out, however. She was down to $100 with only Vermont and Short Line Railroad to her name, and house rules stated no mortgaging of properties. Eren was doing better, though not by much. I, however, owned about half the board and held all the orange spaces.
"No deal, Eren. Unless you're willing to give me Atlantic, there's not a chance in hell you're getting Pacific," I told him, crossing my arms and resuming the process of organizing my money.
Eren huffed, but picked up the dice. "Fine, be that way. But you'll crack. I have a plan," he said rather coolly, shaking the dice and tossing them onto the board. He rolled a seven, and moved to Tennessee. "Shit," he hissed.
"That'll be $550, thank you very much."
Eren groaned, pulling out his one $500 bill and a fifty. I held out my hand and he placed it in my palm. "No fair, you only have that monopoly because you tricked me into giving you New York," he said. Dramatically, he flopped backwards onto the ground, stretching out on the carpet.
I reached across and grabbed the dice, but before taking my turn I set them down in front of me. "Hanji. I want to make you a deal."
Hanji, who had been laughing at Eren, turned to me and smiled. "Just the words I've been waiting to hear, Levi." She pressed her hands together and surveyed her properties quickly before looking up at me and nodding.
"You look like you're moving into a tight spot, hm?"
She glanced at the board and terror flashed in her eyes. She was sat on Vermont, about to head into the snake pit of rent and houses until she reached Illinois.
"Here's what I propose: I will give you completely free rent on all of my spaces, if when you finally go bankrupt, you agree to give me all of your properties. As a token of gratitude, I will also give you an extra $50 every time you pass go," I said. Eren bolted up and stared at me in disgust.
"You can't - no, you can't just give her an extra fifty for passing go. That's stealing from the bank!" Eren protested. He was on the verge of yelling, I could tell. He was practically shaking with it.
I, however, was composed. "I wasn't going to steal from the bank," I said, holding up my rather large stack of fifties. Eren looked like he wanted to continue arguing but couldn't find an argument, whereas Hanji was looking positively delighted.
"You're speaking my language, baby! Deal!" she said, grinning wide.
I picked up the dice and rolled. I really needed anything but a four. If I hit a four, then I'd land on Park Place. Eren had managed to coerce Hanji out of Boardwalk, and he had scraped up enough to buy a hotel on each. Rich as I was, I wasn't too concerned, but it would be a significant dent in my money that I wasn't looking forward to.
Of course, because I needed anything but, I rolled a four. Eren let out a loud hoot, and begrudgingly I forked over $1500 in rent. He stuck out his tongue at me and I considered grabbing it and yanking.
It was Hanji's turn, now, and she rolled a seven. She moved her game piece to the property, and her face fell. She'd landed on a railroad, of which Eren owned three. It would cost her $100 and she would go bankrupt.
Eren shot up and started dancing around the living room. Hanji looked a me, a hard expression on her face, and handed me her two properties that she'd promised. "Sorry I couldn't make good on our deal," I said solemnly.
She nodded once, holding eye contact. "Me too. But this just means you have to win."
Hanji went to sit on the couch while I arranged the new properties with my existing ones. "Oi, brat. It's your turn. Stop stomping and come and roll the dice."
Eren, to his credit, complied. He ended up rolling onto one of his spaces, and his turn ended there.
I picked up the dice, confident in my next roll, and-
Snake eyes.
It took all three of us about five seconds to process this turn of events. I hit the realization first, slamming my head on the table and knocking over the stack of Chance cards. Hanji hit it next, groaning something about failing her.
I looked up and watched Eren. He was the last to realise, his eyes darting between Boardwalk and my pile of money that was no where near $2000 after landing on Park Place the turn previous. His eyes widened, and I half expected him to resume his dancing, but he surprised me by folding his hands on the table.
"I'll make you a deal, Levi."
"Your deals are the worst."
"Do you wanna go bankrupt?"
"…No"
Eren grinned so wide I thought his cheeks might tear. "Excellent. Okay, so we both know you're in a little predicament. I'll give you two options. Option one is that you give me all your properties, with the exception of Pacific, because you love it so much."
"I'd be bankrupt in three turns," I argued, but he held up a hand, silencing me.
"Your other option is a little different. Your other option is that you SUCK MY DICK I WON YOU FUCKER!" he yelled, jumping into the air and making some rather obscene motions towards his crotch.
Frustrated, I picked up all my money and shoved it at him. It was meant to be an angry gesture, but Eren just picked up the money and began shouting "Make it rain!".
"Okay, I'm done. Eren, since you won, it's only fair that you clean up the board. Hanji and I are going to pick a movie," I said, plopping onto the couch next to Hanji. I picked up the remote and started sifting through Pay-per-View movies. I didn't know which one we would end up watching (and honestly I didn't care), but I did know one thing for sure.
I was never, ever playing Monopoly with Eren ever again.
