Summary: This is a story about Dan's journey moving forward after the demise of his relationship with Blair.

Author's notes:

Katie is the Dan fan girl from Season 3

I haven't seen the Episode 5.24 or some of the episodes preceding it; to be honest I haven't seen much of Season 5, so please forgive any artistic licenses I may have taken.

I struggled with Dan and Blair's Dan dialog and it has taken me four weeks to get to this point. Interested in knowing your thoughts on this section and the rest of the story.

Not beta'd all mistakes are mine.


Moving Forward

Let me not think on't - Frailty, thy name is woman! (Hamlet)

He'd be lying if he said he never thinks of her. He can't help but, think of her; every memory of their time together haunts him.

It is proving difficult not to try rationalizing what happened. He keeps experiencing a hot flush of emotions, it seems to fluctuate between numbness and anger in rapid succession.

No matter how he tries to look at it, the resounding conclusion is that he was used, pure and simple. The thought depresses him.

He takes relish in letting his hair grow knowing that Blair would hate it.

With the rationalizations come melancholic songs. Pulsating vibratos keeps pounding in his head, he especially has a penchant for Grenade by Bruno Mars and My Immortal by Evanescence, even though they are not his typical tastes in music. One good thing about them though is that it pushes him to write with vengeance and gusto that surprises him. He finds it stimulating.

Easy come, easy go

That's just how you live

Oh, take, take, take it all

But you never give

Should've known you was trouble

From the first kiss

Had your eyes wide open

Why were they open?

[Refrain]

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did

To give me all of your love is all I ever asked

Cos what you don't understand is

[Chorus]

That I'll catch a grenade for you

Throw my hand on the blade for you

I'll jump in front of the train for you

You know I'll do anything for you

I will go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes I would die for you baby

But you won't do the same

Grenade by Bruno Mars


Rome is about art and culture, shame he hasn't experienced any of that yet. Dan spends majority of his time in doors with Georgina, writing has become a means of escape for him.

Georgina has a lot to dish, the amount of information she has on people is extremely frightening.

Trying to piece all the information together to come up with a narrative for a novel is much harder than Dan originally anticipated. Trying to explain this to Georgina falls on deaf ears. Georgina is getting impatient and wants the finished story yesterday. He tries to explain to her that though she has given him a ton of juicy information, without putting them together narratively they have nothing, but it falls on deaf ears.

After about a week into their time in Rome, relentless digs are being thrown his way by peppered with a lot of harrumphing due to what Georgina refers to as "the boredom of the writing process".

A few days later while he is out getting coffee and something for them to eat, Georgina leaves without saying goodbye. Her note says something about Lake Como and trying to snag George Clooney; he throws the note in the trash and hopes George Clooney has very tight security.

Georgina has the attention span of a gnat and was always in search of the next shiny thing, where next she could inflict pain or wreck havoc.

Pushing himself he continues to pound away at the keyboard relentlessly.

Two weeks into his trip he decides to take a break; he isn't getting anywhere with his writing and hopes some time away might bring clarity. He decides to go to London to see his sister and immediately purchases cheap round trip ticket to London from a low cost airline Jenny recommended.

Dan arrives in London in the last week of June, and due to the impending Olympics it is absolutely busy. The queue at immigration is the longest he has ever experienced and it makes him wonder if it is just as bad without the euphoria of the Olympics. Getting through security ended up taking four hours, he hopes Jenny hasn't gone by the time he gets out. More importantly, he hopes she isn't too upset by the entire ordeal.

The minute he exits security and gets to the arrivals' terminal, Jenny is waiting for him and holding a big sign that says 'Dan Humphrey'.

"You know you didn't have to hold a sign for me, I know what you look like."

Jenny punches him in the arm playfully and calls him a big dolt.

He laughs and then engulfs her in a crushing hug; he had missed her so much.

They make their out of the airport and head towards what Jenny calls the "tube station" to get the subway/tube to Jenny's place.

As their train departs from the darkened Heathrow Airport station, the glass windows slowly reveal the English landscape; it is lush and green, very picturesque and looks better than anything he had seen in the movies. It lives him with an exhilarated feeling. he is pretty stoked to be here and can't believe he is finally in London.

The subway/tube is bustling with activity. It is full of people making their way into what Jenny refers to as 'Central London.' There are cacophonies of accents which, he guesses are from different parts of the world however, the one that seems to stand out is the English one, it sounds so dignified.

The amazement and awe must have shown on his face because Jenny hisses at him, "You are such a tourist!" He is indeed. Sending a grin her way, he continues to take everything in awe and with a big smile on his face.

About an hour and a half later they arrive at Shoreditch; their hour and a half journey time had consisted of a variety of subway interchanges. Dan doesn't think he would be able to remember them all if he had to venture out on his own.

Shoreditch kinda reminds him a bit of Brooklyn. It has that arty grimy urban feel to it. Apparently it is an "up and coming" area that caters to young artists, fashion designers, musicians and the like; and its bustling night life makes it one of the trendiest places to hang out. No wonder Jenny likes it here.

Jenny's place is an apartment or "a flat" that she shares with two other people. Jenny's roommates have gone home for the summer holidays, so they the place to themselves.

Dan puts his stuff in Jenny's room and then joins her in the living room cum kitchenette. They catch up while having beverages; coffee for him and tea for Jenny. He is careful to stay away topics about Blair or the fact that they used to be in a relationship, there is no use stirring up bad blood. However, he feeds Jenny's curiosity about the Royal Wedding without dishing out any dirt.

Before they know it is time for dinner. They have fish and chips from a nearby shop; it is an awesome experience that Dan notes in his moleskin and causes him to tick off one of his mental checklist from the his list of things to do in England.

After dinner they meet up with some of Jenny's friends at "The Commercial Tavern".

Dan has never met a bunch of more zany and interesting people in his life. They all obviously adore Jenny which warms his heart especially after the all the stuff that happened in high school, he is pleased that Jenny is finding her place in the world and finally has friends that like her for who she is and not for her zip code or connections.

A few days into his trip, Jenny broaches the subject he has been dreading, "Blair". It catches him unawares.

"So tell me Dan what was going through your head when you decided to date my mortal enemy? Off all people,you had to date Blair Waldorf! What where you thinking?"

He feels stupid, ashamed, like he betrayed his sister by sleeping with the enemy. He definitely feels that there was an element of temporary insanity involved in his behavior, there was no other probable reason.

"How did you…Who told you?" He stutters in disbelief

"Don't dodge the question Dan."

He sighs, "I wasn't thinking, I guess."

"In what universe does Dan Humphrey date Blair Waldorf?"

"I don't know which universe per se, may be one where my body was mysteriously taking over by aliens?" He quips

"Dan!"

"I don't know! I'm still trying to figure it out myself!" Pushing his hands through his hair in frustration he continues, "May be I got carried away in the moment. You know, things were happening around us, we became friends, best friends actually and I honestly thought she had changed. So when she said I had her heart, I believed her and decided to pursue the relationship."

Jenny looks at him in astonishment.

"You know for a long time I thought she didn't return my feelings and then out of the blue she told me that I had her heart…me Dan Humphrey had her heart, and that she chose me over Chuck." He rambles on with contrition in his voice.

"So...I took that as a sign that she cared for me just like her did for her, I didn't know that she was using me…that I was a stopover to Chuck."

"And then she left me without telling me, without even saying goodbye…she just never showed up."

Folding his arms against his chest with a glum look on his face he says, "So if you want to call me an idiot or fool, go ahead I deserve it, I really can't believe I fell for her schemes."

"Oh Dan!"

Jenny tries to console him, telling him that the sheer fact that Blair referred to him as her best friend or said he had her heart meant that she must have cared for him on some level. The Blair she knew only cared about her inner circle (Serena, Chuck and Nate), so what he just told her was huge.

He scoffs at her reassurances; he doesn't want to hear them. Frankly he doesn't care about what Blair may or may not have felt. Actions speak louder than words.

He really doesn't want to discuss this anymore; the entire thing is giving him a headache.

Jenny tries again to stress her point, but he makes some lame excuse to get out of there. Knowing his sister, he knows they are going to have to discuss this again at some point, well rather then than now.

During his stay at Jenny's there are on some occasions where she has to go out and do her thing. On those occasions where Jenny is out running some errands and has to leave him to his own devices, he ceases the opportunity to explore London on his own and also tries get a good feel for Shoreditch. He really likes the ambience here; it feels like a home away from home.

Having time to himself leaves him time to reflect and helps bring certain things to perspective. One thing that is resounding is the fact that their lives was fine until they became embroiled with the Upper East Side. He didn't know what he was thinking getting involved with that world or wanting to be part of it. The Upper East Side chews and spits you out.

Knew the signs wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool

[Refrain]

So confused,My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

[Chorus]
Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

[Bridge]
So much hurt ,So much pain

Takes a while to regain, What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

Out of Reach by Gabrielle [Bridget Jones Soundtrack]


Distancing himself from the Upper East Side is the first step to recovery. It seems to have done Jenny a well of good and she seems to be in a good place now.

It makes him wonder if moving here would be good for him too. Thoughts to moving here after graduation begin to spring to mind and he decides to discuss this his sister when she gets back.

He broaches the subject with Jenny later that evening and she seems ecstatic about the idea, though she makes a few digs about him cramping her style. He thinks telling their Dad will be the difficult hurdle. Dan convinces Jenny to come back to New York with him. Dad seeing Jenny again might soften the blow.

About two weeks into his trip, Eric arrives en-route to New York from Congo. It's nice that their parents' separation has not caused any weirdness or animosity between them; Dan embraces the normalcy.

Two days into Eric's arrival, Eric gets a call from Lily; Serena is in a coma due to a drug overdose.

Eric decides to cut his trip short. Dan and Jenny don't want him traveling alone, so they decide to travel with him for moral support. Dan has to stopover in Italy first to get the rest of his stuff.

Eric mentions that the fact that Serena is in hospital is hush-hush, Lily wants to keep it within the family, as far as everyone knows Serena is away spending time with their father. So they can't let on that they know or let anyone know that they know.

So on arriving in New York, they say their goodbyes at the airport as going home with Eric might arise Lily's suspicions. They promise to call Eric often and tell him that he is always welcome at the loft if he needs a sanctuary.

Serena's current predicament has him tatters and he can't stop berating himself for not spotting that something was wrong with her. The events at occurred at the Shepherd's party was probably an indication.

He also can't help thinking that maybe "Inside" might have helped speed things up a bit, the very notion makes him scared stiff.

Dan prays desperately for her recovery. He doesn't want the last words they said to each other to be their conversation at the loft. He doesn't think he will be able to live with himself.

There is regular contact with Eric to see how he is bearing up and to find out Serena's progress. There isn't any news at the moment.

Dan desperately wants to see her but, Eric says it isn't possible right now. Notwithstanding, he wishes he could do something, like send flowers or books but, he knows that if he does that Lily would get suspicious. He wouldn't want Eric to bear the brunt of Lily's malcontent.

Serena wakes up a week later; Eric says she can't talk at the moment and is in a lot of pain due to the various tubes inserted into her body but, he will keep him posted on when it is possible to do so.

During the waiting period Dan and Eric come up with a dastardly plan to sneak Dan into the hospital when Lily isn't there. Their plan sees fruition three days later.

Serena looks happy to see him, for this he is glad. He can't help thinking she looks so helpless and frail lying there.

They talk and talk and talk, she is remorseful about what she did and so is he. They forgive each other their trespasses and agree to move on. Serena could never hold a grudge.

She makes him promise to come see her again, he can't deny her anything and he promises to do so even if it means facing Lily.

Dan gets to see her one last time; Serena has decided to check herself into a facility in California. She hopes that the time away from New York will help her heal.

Their last time together is short, and with sadness in their eyes and a crushing final hug they bid each other farewell.

Serena's decision to take some time away from New York, reminds him of the decisions he made in London; with Jenny's help he broaches the subject with his Dad.

Serena's departure and stint in the hospital also makes him think about the expose he and Georgina were penning; he doesn't think he can go ahead with it anymore.

Vengeance is not really his thing.

Writing this book means he is just like them. He no longer wants any part of that world, he is happy being plain old plaid wearing Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn. He informs Alexandria of his decision, she isn't happy about it but, he is resolute in his decision.

With thoughts of Serena in a coma no longer at the fore front of his mind, he faces the harsh reality of being back at the loft. There are too many memories of Blair every where; it is as if she imprinted herself in every nook and cranny of the loft. He can't bare it. So he decides to seek refuge in the NYU dorms. His father takes his decision well. Dan sees the tell tale sign of understanding in his father's eyes.

He and his Dad decide that he should look for a dorm room that is singly occupied and has its own bathroom. His father believes that sharing a room would be a shock to the system for someone like Dan who has never shared a room or been away from home.

Looking into college accommodation and masters programs in England colleges keeps him busy and takes his mind away temporarily from his haunted home.

Dan settles for the Second Street Hall accommodation, which provides a room, bathroom and kitchenette.

His Dad and Jenny help him move in a month before college start, as he is keen to acclimatize before the other students start arriving.

Jenny leaves for London a few days later; there isn't a dry eye at JFK. He stays at the loft overnight to keep their father company.

Leaving in college is different from anything he has experienced. Firstly, his living space has dwindled enormously. Secondly, the sheer amount of noise that permeates the walls once the other students started to arrive is enough to make one lose it. Thirdly, do these guys know anything about personal space?

As time goes by Dan begins to get into the swing of things albeit grudgingly.

One good thing about being back in college is the fact that Katie is back doing a graduate program. Having spent a lot of the past year in the Upper East Side, he is pretty out of touch with most people and was finding it a bit tough getting back into the swing of things at NYU. Having Katie there is an enormous help and he is beginning to get back into the swing of things gradually, plus people are beginning to welcome him back with open arms.

Even though he didn't want to admit it in the past, he kinda missed Vanessa last year; and having Katie here for company kinda fills the void; having Katie around fills a lot of blanks.

A Gossip Girl blast of he and Katie is the final crucible. He needs to cut off permanently from everything relating to the Upper East Side. There is nothing holding him back anymore, so he makes the executive decision to change his phone number and email address. The only people who have his new contact details are the people that matter i.e. his Dad, Jenny, his Mom and his friends at NYU.

Dan contemplates giving Nate his new details but, decides against it. They have been drifting apart since the Serena thing, plus it isn't as if Nate cared about his existence or made any attempts to contact him prior to and after Rome. If he wants to cut all ties with the UES, he has to be absolute. That also includes not subscribing to Gossip Girl or anything remotely related to Gossip Girl – Thank God that his friends at NYU have no clue about Gossip Girl; it makes it easier for him to ignore its existence.

He is not entirely absolute though, he tells Jenny that she can give the number to Eric if he asks for it.

Life takes an unexpected turn in October. Blair Waldorf comes barging into his life in a figure hugging red dress and a trail of Channel No. 5 perfume; like barging into his life is her God given right. It's amazing how Blair knows where to find him when she needs something.

Luckily Katie interrupts their conversation and he is able to get rid of her.

He and Katie join the gang at Minetta Tavern. They have an awesome night, the ambience is cool and the conversation flows. It also helps that he drowns his sorrows with a few alcoholic beverages.

Some hours later he and Katie make their way back to his dorm. They are laughing, joking and being handsy i.e. generally having a good time in each other's company. That all comes to a stop when he sees Blair standing there in front of his dorm.

Why is she here? Why can't she leave him alone?

With anger coursing through his veins he advances towards her leaving Katie standing on her own. Blair looks at Katie disparagingly and makes a condescending comment.

They start arguing heatedly. Blair always did know how to push his buttons.

Dan doesn't realize how engrossed he is in their argument until Katie repeatedly attempts to gain his attention. When he realizes this, he leaves Blair side to go to her and apologizes profusely for his lack of manners. He is in the middle of promising to call her as soon as this is over when Blair stamps her foot and make her impatience vocal.

He really needs to get rid of Blair; there is no telling what she could do next. Her theatrics had caused a bit of a scene and there were now a considerable amount of people loitering around the hallway and looking at them with keen interest.

Quickly saying goodbye to Katie, he opens his front door, practically drags Blair inside and shuts the door behind them.

Dan clenches is jaw and crosses his arms against his chest and utters, "What are you even doing here? I thought I made my self clear earlier."

"I came here to tell you about Serena's overdose but, obviously you booty call with the lumberjack is more important."

He doesn't understand how she can talk about something as serious as Serena's situation then riddle it with an insult about Katie. He is going to ignore the insult and focus on the fact that she may have just found out about her best friend and was looking for an avenue to lash out.

"I already know about Serena." He responds more quietly, putting his key on the desk.

He doesn't know how his comment about "already knowing about Serena" leads to another argument, but somehow it does. Frankly he doesn't know what he does or does not owe her, and from his view point he owes her nothing.

In a matter of seconds Blair goes from huffy to sad and doe eyes and he finds himself feeling sorry for her again. Part of him wants to wrap her his arms around her and console her, telling her that everything will be alright. Another part of him knows that if he succumbs to his baser instincts, he will be ensnared in her web of deceit; he refuses to slip.

Dan is not sure what prompts him to mention sleeping with Serena at the Shepherd party; he thought she knew about it.

Blair slaps him hard; man can she pack a punch.

He can't believe she has the effrontery to act like the wounded party here. She dumped him without having the decency to tell him that he had been dumped. Yet in typical Blair fashion she thinks she has the right to take the moral high ground. He is the wounded party!

He is really trying to hold his tongue; he is not going to give her the satisfaction of having him lose it. So he turns away before she attempts to hit him again and walks towards the window. He comes to a stop in front of the window and gazes out of the window, dejectedly and absentmindedly thinking that the view from his room was terrible.

The room is filled with an eerie silence.

Breaking the silence he says softly, "You don't have the right to traipse in here and act like the wounded party. You lost that privilege when you couldn't be bothered to let me know that it was over."

"If you could just let me explain…"

"There is nothing to explain, I loved you and you didn't return my feelings, case closed. I was ok to have around when it suited you and when you no longer had a use for me you walked away without sparing a thought for my feelings."

"But, Dan…"

He laughs bitterly, "So why are you really here and don't tell me it is because you cared so desperately to tell me about Serena."

She rambles on about how she really could do with a friend and how things did not pan out as she expected and how she found out about Serena after she got home following her first visit here.

He interrupts her, "So I'm guessing that may be things didn't work out with Chuck and now you want good old Dan to make things better?"

He lets out a deep sigh and continues, "You made your choice and now you need to lie on it. You can't expect things to be the same after what you did."

"Dan..."

"And as far as I'm concerned we are done here."

"Dan, if you could just let me explain..."

"Goodbye Blair."

She leaves after that, the door shuts with quietly in her wake.

A lonely tear he didn't realise he had been holding makes its way down his cheek.

Blair Waldorf is the devil.

You were my sun, you were my earth

You didn't know all the ways I loved you, no

So you took a chance, made other plans

But, I bet you didn't think they would come crashing down, no

..

[Chorus]

Cry me a river

Cry me a river

Cry me a river

Cry me a river

.

Cry me a River by Justin Timberlake


Her impromptu visit has him spooked and he keeps expecting her to show up again unannounced. Luckily for his sanity she doesn't.

Some gifts from her land on his door step about six months later; he sends them back to her unopened. He cannot be bought. She hasn't apologized for what she did.

A letter swiftly follows, he doesn't know if he is ready to hear anything she has to say.

After a few weeks of avoidance, he lets himself read it. He doesn't want anything clogging his mind when he is trying to focus on his finals.

Reading it doesn't salvage anything, nor does it make him feel less used or remotely better, her apologies came too late. He compartmentalizes his feelings after that and makes graduating cum laude his main focus.

After graduation, he is accepted on a graduate program at Bath University, England.

He and Katie promise to keep in contact, but long distance makes it difficult to stay in touch and their relationship flounders.

Masters leads to a PhD at Oxford University, and the PhD leads to a job as a lecturer at Bath University, where he meets Emily Bosworth, a fellow lecturer.

Emily heals the fragments of his broken heart giving him the capacity to love again.

The End