Title: I don't know
Author: Lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC13
Spoiler: Post 7x07. If you didn't see it and would like to stay spoiler-free, you shouldn't read this.

Summary: What I would like to see after the heartbreak of "That's me trying".

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

A/N: I just couldn't stay stuck for three weeks with the feelings left by the end of "That's me trying". I tried to fix it for my own sake but I hope maybe it'll work for some of you too. This story hasn't been beta'ed. All mistakes are mine and I apologize for them in advance.

Title and lyrics are from a Celine Dion song, probably my favorite of all times, both in English and French version. It hits very close to home for me and I thought it was perfect for this story.


I know what I want, I know what I need
But there's just one thing I must believe
Deep in the night by a dying flame
You will be there when I call your name

I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know.

I don't know…


Chapter 1

If you were to walk by the leather cocoon of that particular first class seat, in that particular Boeing 777, all you would be able to see is a mass of silky blond curls emerging from the blanket the woman was tightly wrapped in.

Leaning against the armrest of her wide seat, her back turned to the empty aisle seat where the love of her life was supposed to be sitting, wrapped in the offered blanket, her legs bend and held tightly to her body, the woman was hiding the silent tears that were running down her cheeks.

Five hours into her long flight, the Carter Madison Grant's recipient had declined the meal tray and all complimentary items. She was drinking just enough to avoid the dehydration.

If you were to walk past that seat and were observant enough to notice the obviously distressed woman in her hiding cocoon, you might wonder what thoughts were plaguing her…

'What have I done?' The blonde was crying silently, her shoulders shaking with her tears but no sound coming out of her. She knew she did the best thing she could but it didn't make it any less painful. She had wanted to ignore the evidence and selfishly bring her love along for the amazing adventure that was awaiting her. But at the last minute, she couldn't. Her analytic mind took over her personal wants and she had to face the truth, she had to leave her heart behind.

...

If four hours later, after a rather uncomfortable nap, like only plane's naps can be, you curiously were to walk by that same seat to see if the woman was still in the same prostrate state, you would have seen a stunningly beautiful woman, her blue eyes made bright from obvious numerous tears. You would have been somewhat relieved to see her sitting up; determinedly writing what looked like a long letter, a few pages already piling up on the empty seat next to hers.

Arizona was writing quickly, her thoughts overflowing and being instantly transferred to the paper in front of her. Her heart poured liberally from the pen, the letter getting longer. She refused to reread what she wrote, refused to censure herself as she turned her thoughts and feeling into the words destined to the woman she loved more than anything.


Callie Torres came home after a boring day at work. The 'big plans' the chief waved under her nose repeatedly after she told him she was leaving with Arizona didn't amount to much. Arizona had been right; he had been trying to mess with her mind. She felt lightly guilty about the whole thing now and was thinking of that 'big plans' trick as the root of her misery.

The dark haired woman put down the handful of mail she grabbed on her way out of the hospital and dropped her bag and leather jacket on a pile of still unopened boxes.

Callie felt grateful for the one good thing that came out of this whole mess. She managed to get her apartment back before her landlord had time to rent it to someone else. He was easily persuaded by the argument that he wouldn't have to do the usual freshen up work and the orthopedics surgeon was now in the endless process of unpacking. A job that would take a while since every time she opened a box she was flooded with happy memories of packing up the same items with Arizona, as they prepared for a new chapter of their shared life. Irremediably she was bursting into tears.

Each time she was easily overseeing the fact that she hadn't been that happy to leave at the time in favor of holding up on the thought that Arizona's presence then was making the whole thing a happy time.

She turned to the half painted wall and the painting material neatly piled up in front of it. Now she could see the yellow hint to the beige color. She picked the yellow beige because it reminded her of her sunny Arizona. 'She really was my own ray in sunshine, why didn't I see that before?' the honey skinned woman wondered for the millionth time.

She had time to think. A lot of time. More than enough time to reflect on the last few months of their relationship. She admitted to herself she hadn't been the best girlfriend. She realized that after the honeymoon period right after Arizona accepted to move in with her, she had switch to 'dragging feet' mode. She's been reluctant to change much of her life to turn it into their life. The painting they never did was one proof of it. Another one was the fact that Arizona had to try to become friend with Mark, someone she admitted she didn't like, for her lover's sake. Of course it was more comfortable for the three of them since her girlfriend and BFF found some common ground. But Callie was astute enough to see, after some soul searching, that sharing so much of their daily life with Mark wasn't the best for their couple. She rather acted like those bachelors who have a hard time letting go of their single life and hanging out with their friends after getting married. Even if mark needed her friendship at the time, she's been unfair to Arizona. Expecting her to accept Mark's presence in their life and space more than it was reasonable.

Callie Torres started to wonder if she wasn't in a good part responsible for the undermining of her relationship with the woman she came to think of as the love of her life.

She tried to stay angry at Arizona. Playing her parting words in her mind again and again. But, more and more, the anger was giving way to a feeling of sadness and despair, and loss, as all she could bring up anymore was the sad face and voice of her lover. The tears in the wonderful blue eyes she loved so much.

Of course the ortho surgeon had a hard time understanding that Arizona had seemingly picked her career over their relationship. In the same position she would turn the grant down. Or would she? She was starting to wonder about that too. If she was that pissed off when the chief implied he had plans for her and refused to tell her about it, would she had the guts to refuse something as big as the Carter Madison Grant? Would she really pick her girlfriend over something as life changing as that grant if it had been her own career in the balance?

Yep she had way too much time to think, she would have preferred to stay in the anger and 'Arizona's the only one at fault' mode.

Callie sat heavily on the closest couch and start going through the mail, unwilling to get busy with the jobs that needed to be done. Neither the painting or unpacking, and the pain either would bring, were appealing right now.

A thick white envelop with unusual stamps caught her attention. At closest inspection she saw it was stamps from Africa and her heart started to pound in her chest. They didn't get in touch since the blonde departure and she wasn't sure if this was a good sign or not. The tall woman wasn't even sure what she wanted, or hoped, for the letter to say.

Callie feverishly tore the envelop open and closing her eyes, took a deep breath.


Dear Calliope,

I almost started this with 'my love' but I got worried that you would just throw the whole thing away on the spot. And I wouldn't blame you; you have every right to be mad at me, and I don't expect any less of you, my fiery woman. Here I go again, I just can't stop myself, can I? Calling you mine…

I'm sitting in this plane and I can't even look at the empty seat where you should be sitting, right there at my side. I know, I know, you're thinking it's my own fault if you're not, aren't you?

It doesn't mean it's not tearing me apart and makes me so miserable that I don't even think about how scared I usually am of flying. Remember the things you had planned to distract me from my fear? I guess I don't need them right now and it makes me want to cry. But I don't have tears left after 8 hours of almost permanent crying.

You must wonder by now why I tell you those things, maybe even getting a little angry over it. Me being the one that left you standing alone in an airport and here I'm doing all that whining.

I just need to tell you everything. It's why I'm writing to you instead of calling. I have so much to tell you and I don't think you'd let me get through with it on the phone. Please, bear with me? Please?

If you read this far, I guess it's time for me to apologize. I know I hurt you but I didn't see any other way. And please know that I have hurt myself just as much.

Leaving you in that airport was the hardest thing I ever done, and hope I'll ever do. It tore my heart in two and be sure that the bigger part of it stayed right there with you.

I just couldn't allow you to come with me, I couldn't. It would have meant the end of us… for good. I know it's compromised as it is but I hope that, maybe, we can work through this. I'd rather live three years without you and keep a chance at spending the rest of my life at your side than taking the risk of loosing you forever. And it's what would happen if you had come to Africa with me. You would have ended up hating me for taking you away from your friends and your promising career in Seattle. Even if I still think Webber was playing with your mind, I have no doubt you're on your way to an amazing career. After all, you're my rock star, aren't you? Sorry; that possessiveness is showing up again. And I feel even more possessive at this minute when you're so far away from me. But, God, it's so hard.

You made me so happy the day you decided to come with me to Africa. You really don't know how tough it has been for me since we heard I won that damn grant. I've been torn so badly. It was giving me the chance to do so much good for those kids. It's everything I wanted since I set my mind to become the best pediatric surgeon I could be.

But then it meant leaving you behind. How was I supposed to do that? It meant living with my heart inside of my chest and thousands of miles away for three years.

But you took the decision to join me and it all became perfect. For those few weeks I literally was the happiest woman in the world. Having it all…

I now realized I lived in denial for quite a while in this. I can think back to numerous occasions where you showed you weren't happy with this plan. I think I, unconsciously, selfishly choose to ignore it. Like I said, I was so happy I was rather blind to anything else, including your true feelings. Not the first time it happened huh? I'm sorry. But denial is so comfortable.

Even that last morning at the hospital, remember? I asked you if you wanted to talk about something. I'm sorry to say but you were in such a crappy mood that day that even from the depth of my denial I couldn't ignore it. But you declined to talk. Why did you, Callie? For that matter, why didn't you tell me you didn't really want to go to Africa from the get go. I thought we were passed that stage. Maybe we could have worked something out. But you didn't so, selfishly, I stayed in my happy pink bubble, subconsciously refusing to see you weren't in it with me. And yes, I let it go. And yes, I was wrong to. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I let go of your snappy remarks and went with it.

It's when we made it to the go away party that it became obvious I missed something. And something big.

It might be strange to say this in the middle of an explanation/apologies letter but I have to tell you, Torres; your behavior sucked. I was hurt but the worse part was that it made me see that I needed to face the truth and asked myself some questions.

Was this how things would be between us from now on? You had been short and snappy for a while and at any other times I would have called you on it. But I was so happy that I refused to let your mood affect me. I thought the stress of moving and the anxiety of the separation from everything and everyone you knew was the reason for your reaction. But it wasn't, was it?

I'm blaming myself, believe me. We should have addressed this sooner. I do know you wanted to be with me, even if you didn't want to move to another continent. But I had to face the truth; how long would being with me been enough for you? How long before you start resenting me for bringing you out there? Before you start having regrets? Before we start seeing only the bad side of things? Before you start blaming me for all the things you were missing at home. How long before we forget the love we have for each other?

At the end I couldn't have that. I couldn't live with the knowledge that you hate me. I dare to hope that you do not hate me at this point, that you're just very pissed and angry at me.

I hate the things I said to you in that airport. I hate myself for hurting you. I hope that hate I'm feeling will be enough of it around that you don't need to hate me too.

Please understand that I've done what I had to do. To make you stay behind. What I had to do to make sure you'd stay happy. Even if it meant you were happy far away from me. God knows I want to be the one and only one making you happy. God knows how imagining you being happy far away from me is killing me. But your happiness meant more to me than anything else.

Allow me to say that I don't know how I'm going to live without you for three years. I'm aware I might have destroyed us for good and that you might not even be there in three years. I really can't believe I told you we were already done. I felt like someone else was talking through my mouth. Though, to be totally honest, I was slightly pissed off at your behavior too. I guess it helped me to find the coldness I needed at the time.

As you can see, I've been thinking about my own responsibility in this situation, and since, I've found some solutions I could have proposed. I could go to Africa and train local surgeons who would take over the actual work. The grant would cover that without a doubt. And the kids would receive the help they need…That's only one of the solutions I can think of right now.

I have so much more to tell you but I'm running short of paper. I just have one thing to add: I love you, Calliope. I love you so much. So much I had to let you go. I love you so much I had to let you be happy without me. I love you. I can't say it enough; I can't stop writing it, thinking I might never be able to again. Not if you don't give me the chance. I love you. And I hope you'll have the heart to forgive me.

I miss you already. Be happy my love.

Yours forever

Arizona


Callie was sobbing by the time she reached the end of the letter. Her tears were smudging the words on the white paper between her shaking fingers. She ran the back of one hand over her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself.

She got up and turned on the laptop she left on the coffee table and went to her desperately empty bedroom to change while it was booting up.

She soon emerged from the room wearing her painting clothes, she had some work to do, but first…

The honey skinned woman grabbed the laptop and sat back on the couch; she opened her email program and typed the message she hoped would fix her life for good. Bypassing the subject line like that extra second would cost her precious time, she wrote:

To: ArizonaAwesomeRobbins
From: BadassTorres
Subject:

Come home as soon as you can. I'll be here.
I love you.


TBC