A/N: I saw some people talking about how now Sam knows what it's like to carry his brother's corpse (in reference to Sam's lines in Paper Moon). And I just thought about how he'd done that before and this wasn't Sam's first experience with Dean's death. But that doesn't make it less painful. We joke a lot about how them dying doesn't even feel real anymore- but I think that's a lie.

Disclaimer: I don't have any claims to Supernatural or any of its characters.

Not the First Time

It's not as if this is the first time this has happened.

Dean's died before.

No, this isn't Sam's first time. This isn't a new experience for him.

The sight of something violating his brother's chest isn't new and the blood flowing from it isn't new. Sam's had to watch before, helpless, full of this need to do something- anything, but left powerless and a failure.

Sam's tried to kill the one responsible before. He's failed at that before too. Still, that never matters as much, obscured by the sight of the blood - all that blood - pouring from Dean's chest, all the life leaking out of him.

Sam's seen all that blood before, seen it soak Dean's clothes and pool on the ground. Dean's blood isn't new to him.

Corpses are common to Sam and he's beheld his brother's before. The need to call out Dean's name even though Sam knows he's gone isn't new. He's done it before, his cries mingled with tears like they were when he was a child and just one call would bring Dean to him - when he was a child and Dean could banish the nightmare and make everything okay.

The disappointment that assaults Sam as his logical mind accepts the fact that this isn't a nightmare Dean can scare away isn't new.

Sam's held Dean's dead body before and been able to pretend he wasn't dead before- still so warm, it's not hard to pretend his invincible big brother is just sleeping.

This isn't the first time he's carried his brother with all the care in the world - carried him carefully as though one touch would break him, as though he wasn't already shattered. No, the dead weight of his brother in his arms isn't new.

None of this is new to Sam. He has experience.

But why should that make a difference?

They say that familiarity breeds complacency, experience fosters acceptance. But that's just about the most idiotic thing Sam's ever heard.

It's all happened before but that doesn't mean he's used to it. It means he knows just how much he can hurt, exactly how the guilt will overwhelm him, how the loneliness will break him, how loss can destroy everything he's held together with safety pins and duct tape inside. Sam knows just how far he'll go to make things right - knows he'll sell his soul for the man who gave him everything.

He knows. And for Sam, knowledge brings fear - fear of how bad things will be. And fear brings pain.

So maybe this isn't the first time. Maybe losing Dean isn't new for Sam.

But why the hell should that make it better- easier?

Life without Dean is Hell and Hell doesn't get easier with time.

Sam would know. He's been there before.