~ . you are the hole in my head . ~
I keep thinking of you. Even when I'm not. It's such a bizarre feeling. Like the thought of you always lingered just below the surface of others thoughts. Daily thoughts, professional thoughts. Deep thoughts and those completely mundane. It's like a heartbeat – you don't hear it unless you stop and listen really carefully. But it's always there, every single second.
As a scientist I know that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction. That's probably why it is so overwhelming – because it travels through my veins. It's almost as if I had you in my blood. I can't forget this feeling even for a moment.
I have been sure that I'm already too old for that. That it won't ever happen to me again. But there is this thing about love – one never knows if the first one is the last one, or the last one is the first one. I didn't plan to fall in love with you. I'm not even sure how it actually happened. When I first met you I get this funny feeling. It was like the first sip of champagne I had in my life – it went straight to my head making me completely light-headed. Then, as I have been getting to know you, I have become more and more aware what a truly wonderful man you are. And I was falling in love with you more and more every day...
''Jo... Jo!'' Your voice cut into my thoughts and I lift my head to look at you. ''Are you here with me?'' You ask. Your head is tilted to one side and you watching me carefully. I can feel a heat wave traveling through my body as if you could hear my thoughts and know about what I have been thinking.
''Yes... Yes, I am.'' I nod my head and you smile.
''Did you hear anything that I just said?'' You ask and my eyes drop.
''Well... umm...'' Suddenly, I don't know what to say. It doesn't happen often. Usually I can come up with some witty response in a flash. But somehow being near you drains my mind from all rational thoughts. All, but this one that I can't silence no matter what I do.
''OK, I'll repeat.'' You say. Your voice is sharp, it has this bossy tone that you rarely use while talking to me. I raise my eyes and meet your gaze. You may sound harsh, maybe even slightly annoyed, but your eyes are smiling. And they still do when you tell me what you want me to do.
That's probably why I can't get you out of my head. Even when I sleep, I dream about you. Almost as if my mind was missing you. The sight of your face. The sound of your voice. The touch of your hands. When we're together I pick up those little pieces and then I treasure them in my mind. I'm pretty sure they go unnoticed by everybody else. But for me they mean the world. And when I'm alone, I let my imagination toy with them. They are so tiny, almost as they weren't there at all. Like grains of sand. But with time even a grain of sand can't be turned into a pearl.
~ . to be continued . ~
